Is My Spouse Cheating? 10 Red Flags

Is My Spouse Cheating? Ten Red Flags

You're certain something isn't quite right and yet you can't put your finger on what it is. Or perhaps your spouse has become so distant you cannot seem to reach him or her. It may even be that your partner has moved out or told you that he/she is no longer in love with you. You suspect that there may be someone else and yet if you've had the courage to bring it up with your mate the suggestion has been adamantly denied. Are there signs that a

spouse is having an affair? The answer to that is yes. Be careful not to confuse signs with proof.

"I'm not in love with you anymore."
When someone tells me that his or her spouse said this, a big warning bell goes off in my head. I consider this to be one of the most consistent things unfaithful men and women say to their partners. My immediate thought is, "If s/he is not in love with you - who is s/he in love with?"

This statement suggests that a person is comparing how he or she feels about the spouse to the heady feelings of infatuation caused by an affair. Turbulently intense feelings of obsession and connectedness in the early days of relationships are caused by biochemical reactions in our brains - when this is triggered by someone outside the marriage it overrides the deeper feelings of connectedness, attachment, security, and enjoyment within the marriage. The straying partner seems to develop immediate amnesia regarding feelings for his or her spouse in the chemically induced rush or new infatuation.

"We're just friends.

Next to "I don't love you," this statement ranks as one of the most predictable statements wayward men and women make. A typical pattern is spending more and more time with a "friend" either at work or possibly at a recreational activity. This person is often described as someone who has "a lot in common" with the spouse, and who "understands" things the spouse is going through in her or her life. This could be anything from dealing with a boss or coworker to major life altering experiences. Either way, it's a warning sign

A sudden need for privacy Things that in the past were never hidden suddenly become "private". A computer becomes password protected with 1 minute of inactivity. Bank and credit card statements are redirected to a work address. Phone records disappear. Looking in a purse or wallet for something as innocent as a pen or insurance card creates an enormous scene with you being accused of snooping, invading personal space, and even attempting to control your spouse.

"I need my space to decide what to do about our relationship."

Frequently men and women who are involved with someone outside their marriage will say this as a way to ensure more privacy. A sudden desire to move out of the home (or to force you to move out!) is often an indication that there is someone else in the picture and that the spouse is seeking ways to have more freedom to come and go without question. Straying partners come up with all sorts of reasons why they need to separate from their spouse. I look at this as highly suspicious. Mitigating circumstances would include verbal or physical abuse or addiction on the part of the other spouse (you).

A change in work habits.

Working late, going in at odd hours, or putting in significantly more time can all be indications that a spouse is unfaithful. Certainly all of us are subject to increased work loads, so watch for other signs as well.

Spending a lot of time on the computer.

The ease with which one can have secret email accounts has allowed infidelity to blossom at alarming rates. Chat rooms and online dating services increase the problem exponentially. Pornography is huge business and sexual addiction is rampant. More and more women are cheating online. This goes hand in hand with a sudden need for more privacy. Social networking sites such as facebook are cited in a growing number of divorce cases.

Spending (and hiding) a lot of time on the phone, especially the cell phone.

Many affairs occur primarily on the phone or the internet. Many of us seem to be connected at the ear to our phones these days. This in itself is not suspicious but hanging up suddenly, erased call details, unavailable phone records, and defensiveness about any of those things is.

Inconsistencies in the details. Behavior that does not add up.
Not being where he or she said was expected to be. Missing time. Money that cannot be accounted for. Receipts for things which you don't have. Missing clothing. Clothing that does not belong to your family. Being caught in little lies about the details of the day.

New lingerie or other intimate items of clothing.
One of the things I get asked frequently is whether to be concerned about a sudden interest in Victoria's Secret apparel after years of big white underwear and sleeping in t-shirts. If it's not being worn for your benefit, then the answer to that is a resounding, "Yes!" On the flip side, women, be concerned about the sudden unexplained appearance of new clothes in your husband's closet. If he's a shopper and a dresser, not a concern. But if he's gone from his high school t-shirts to silk and wool and you didn't buy them for him, look for other clues. Could be that he got a promotion and now wants to dress for success - could also be that someone else is dressing him. Or undressing him.

Your fears and suspicions.
If you find yourself needing to find excuses for your spouse's behavior or needing to convince yourself that your mate would never cheat on you then that in itself is a warning sign. Your intuition about your life is frequently one of the best indicators available. If you suspect your spouse might be cheating on you, do some investigating and then confront him or her with what you've found. Do it in a way that is calm and courteous. Ask for honesty. Be prepared for lies. It is a sad fact that people having affairs become brilliant liars - people who never told a lie before in their lives. Trust your gut.

Remember, warning signs are indicators. It's up to you to stay congruent with your integrity. Double check what you think you see. Discuss your concerns with your partner. Get a second opinion from a professional who understands the dynamics of affairs.

copyright Penny R. Tupy 2003

Penny is a professional marriage coach specializing in infidelity addiction and abuse. For one on one assistance in implementing these concepts and techniques or for other marital help she can be reached at at 651.775.8302