Musing On Marriage (tm) For Better or Worse

Several years ago, I wrote an article titled “So Did You Mean It When You Said,” asking if you were serious when you vowed, “For better or for worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and health,” and so forth. It remains, to this day, one of my favorite Musings on Marriage (tm).

The wedding vows, those words which create the foundation of our marriage, are so beautiful and heartfelt when we’re in love with a shared vision of an endless future together, but they seem to mock us with awful cruelty when things go terribly wrong. And, sadly, things go terribly wrong far too often.

The thing about vows and promises, covenants and pledges is that we make them for the hard times. No one needs to promise fidelity when there is no temptation. There’s no point. One promises fidelity for the day our head is turned, our heart misses a beat, and our interest, in someone who is not our spouse, is piqued. This is the day we were talking about when we said “forsaking all others”. Our vow of fidelity is far less about walking down the aisle, away from our past, than it is about taking a deep breath and walking away from temptation, without looking back. I’d further suggest that it compels us to go straight home and have a heart to heart with our mate to let him or her know there was an incoming threat.

“But she’s going to be jealous and insecure!” you say. Yup, she might.
“He’s going to be angry and accusing.” Mm hmm, also a possibility.

But here’s the thing about vows: they are not about the other person.

The vows we take are about us and how we pledge to behave. We don’t say, “forsaking all others unless you start making eyes at the tennis coach.” We don’t agree to “love, honor, and respect as long as you are nice to me.” We promise to forsake all others and love, honor, and respect – period. Vows are not conditional.

And yet…

originally written and published for Marriage Advocates -  follow the link below to continue reading

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Musing on Marriage (tm) My Grown Up Christmas List

I stumbled yesterday into a little antiques and used bookstore in the tiny town where I live. Somewhere between the books on Civil War heroes and the vintage prints at the back of the store I started to cry. In spite of all the holly jolly cheer blaring at us from every direction, there is a special kind of sadness that comes with the holidays.

Virtually all of us have experienced losses that seem to rise to the surface during the holiday season. The empty chair, the face no longer seen ‘round the hearth, the haunting scents and melodies that remind us of happier times, not to mention the increased stress we all feel this time of year.

For those in the midst of marital trauma, the holidays can bring painful to a whole new level. Partners caught in the triangle of an affair deal in heartbreak the way department stores deal in glitz, and the ordinary stresses of everyday life can get the best of us and our marriages. This drama and heartbreak can make surviving infidelity during the holidays seem an impossible task. It’s no accident that most divorce filings occur in January, but you can take steps right now to make sure you don’t become one of those statistics.  Below are some tips for navigating with grace and dignity – even, or perhaps especially – when it seems you just can’t face one more day. I call it the Grown Up Christmas List.

originally written and published for Marriage Advocates follow the link below to continue reading

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Is My Spouse Cheating? 10 Red Flags

Is My Spouse Cheating? Ten Red Flags

You're certain something isn't quite right and yet you can't put your finger on what it is. Or perhaps your spouse has become so distant you cannot seem to reach him or her. It may even be that your partner has moved out or told you that he/she is no longer in love with you. You suspect that there may be someone else and yet if you've had the courage to bring it up with your mate the suggestion has been adamantly denied. Are there signs that a

spouse is having an affair? The answer to that is yes. Be careful not to confuse signs with proof.

"I'm not in love with you anymore."
When someone tells me that his or her spouse said this, a big warning bell goes off in my head. I consider this to be one of the most consistent things unfaithful men and women say to their partners. My immediate thought is, "If s/he is not in love with you - who is s/he in love with?"

This statement suggests that a person is comparing how he or she feels about the spouse to the heady feelings of infatuation caused by an affair. Turbulently intense feelings of obsession and connectedness in the early days of relationships are caused by biochemical reactions in our brains - when this is triggered by someone outside the marriage it overrides the deeper feelings of connectedness, attachment, security, and enjoyment within the marriage. The straying partner seems to develop immediate amnesia regarding feelings for his or her spouse in the chemically induced rush or new infatuation.

"We're just friends.

Next to "I don't love you," this statement ranks as one of the most predictable statements wayward men and women make. A typical pattern is spending more and more time with a "friend" either at work or possibly at a recreational activity. This person is often described as someone who has "a lot in common" with the spouse, and who "understands" things the spouse is going through in her or her life. This could be anything from dealing with a boss or coworker to major life altering experiences. Either way, it's a warning sign

A sudden need for privacy Things that in the past were never hidden suddenly become "private". A computer becomes password protected with 1 minute of inactivity. Bank and credit card statements are redirected to a work address. Phone records disappear. Looking in a purse or wallet for something as innocent as a pen or insurance card creates an enormous scene with you being accused of snooping, invading personal space, and even attempting to control your spouse.

"I need my space to decide what to do about our relationship."

Frequently men and women who are involved with someone outside their marriage will say this as a way to ensure more privacy. A sudden desire to move out of the home (or to force you to move out!) is often an indication that there is someone else in the picture and that the spouse is seeking ways to have more freedom to come and go without question. Straying partners come up with all sorts of reasons why they need to separate from their spouse. I look at this as highly suspicious. Mitigating circumstances would include verbal or physical abuse or addiction on the part of the other spouse (you).

A change in work habits.

Working late, going in at odd hours, or putting in significantly more time can all be indications that a spouse is unfaithful. Certainly all of us are subject to increased work loads, so watch for other signs as well.

Spending a lot of time on the computer.

The ease with which one can have secret email accounts has allowed infidelity to blossom at alarming rates. Chat rooms and online dating services increase the problem exponentially. Pornography is huge business and sexual addiction is rampant. More and more women are cheating online. This goes hand in hand with a sudden need for more privacy. Social networking sites such as facebook are cited in a growing number of divorce cases.

Spending (and hiding) a lot of time on the phone, especially the cell phone.

Many affairs occur primarily on the phone or the internet. Many of us seem to be connected at the ear to our phones these days. This in itself is not suspicious but hanging up suddenly, erased call details, unavailable phone records, and defensiveness about any of those things is.

Inconsistencies in the details. Behavior that does not add up.
Not being where he or she said was expected to be. Missing time. Money that cannot be accounted for. Receipts for things which you don't have. Missing clothing. Clothing that does not belong to your family. Being caught in little lies about the details of the day.

New lingerie or other intimate items of clothing.
One of the things I get asked frequently is whether to be concerned about a sudden interest in Victoria's Secret apparel after years of big white underwear and sleeping in t-shirts. If it's not being worn for your benefit, then the answer to that is a resounding, "Yes!" On the flip side, women, be concerned about the sudden unexplained appearance of new clothes in your husband's closet. If he's a shopper and a dresser, not a concern. But if he's gone from his high school t-shirts to silk and wool and you didn't buy them for him, look for other clues. Could be that he got a promotion and now wants to dress for success - could also be that someone else is dressing him. Or undressing him.

Your fears and suspicions.
If you find yourself needing to find excuses for your spouse's behavior or needing to convince yourself that your mate would never cheat on you then that in itself is a warning sign. Your intuition about your life is frequently one of the best indicators available. If you suspect your spouse might be cheating on you, do some investigating and then confront him or her with what you've found. Do it in a way that is calm and courteous. Ask for honesty. Be prepared for lies. It is a sad fact that people having affairs become brilliant liars - people who never told a lie before in their lives. Trust your gut.

Remember, warning signs are indicators. It's up to you to stay congruent with your integrity. Double check what you think you see. Discuss your concerns with your partner. Get a second opinion from a professional who understands the dynamics of affairs.

copyright Penny R. Tupy 2003

Penny is a professional marriage coach specializing in infidelity addiction and abuse. For one on one assistance in implementing these concepts and techniques or for other marital help she can be reached at at 651.775.8302

Meditations on Marriage - The Small Things

"I long to accomplish a great and noble tasks, but it is my chief duty
to accomplish humble tasks as though they were great and noble. The
world is moved along, not only by the mighty shoves of its heroes, but
also by the aggregate of the tiny pushes of each honest worker." --
Helen Keller

~*~*~*~*~*~*

We look to the big deal in our relationships. The biggest bunch of
flowers, the exotic vacation, the expensive gift. But life is in the
small things -- and marriage most of all. The most heroic spouse is the
one who, day after day, lives his or her Values with compassion.

What humble thing can I do today with the same passion and thought
given to larger acts?

In love,

P

Meditations on Marriage - Courage

"It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure,
to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer
meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for
in movement there is life, and in change there is power." -- Alan Cohen

What, in my relationship, am I holding onto pretending it affords me
security? Where do I refuse to take a risk -- a risk that could be the
first move toward healing, laughter, joy, and love? Where am I grasping
when I could be reaching out with an open hand?

Today, let me be courageous in releasing those things that no longer
serve me or my marriage. Let me, instead, release my illusion of
security that I can be open to learning, growth, and transformation.

In love,

P

Musing on Marriage(tm) Post Election Reflection

No matter what your preference for winner, this was an historic moment
in the making. At the end of the day we would have either the first
female VP or the first African American president. Truly a day to pause
and reflect on how far we've come. Not to mention the, possibly record
making high, voter turnout (I just looked ... numbers are still coming
in and there's some debate about how to interpret them).

Yes, we can. We always could. And it was far less about who sat in the
Oval Office than it was about getting involved, being heard, and caring
more about the fate of our nation than we do about who wins the next
sports championship.

It seems to me ... if we are to reclaim and rebuild a country of
integrity, strength, and compassion ... then We The People need to step
up to the plate and do the work.

When I went to bed, immediately following Obama's acceptance speech,
popular vote was still running pretty close to 50/50. That means half of
we who voted are waking up with their dreams in the loss column this
morning. Both McCain and Obama stressed the need to come together in
unity to begin the work of healing and growing.

We, here in the healing marriages community, get this. Just as it takes
both partners joining hands and hearts and spirits to craft a marriage
of strength and fulfillment, just as it takes engagement and curiosity
and action from both partners, just as it takes the hard work of growth
and integrity to make a marriage work, so too does it take all that to
craft a nation in keeping with the vision of our founding fathers .... a
vision of freedom and responsibility never before seen in history.

So this morning, this day after the culmination of an historic race and
election, I challenge each and every one of you to look deep inside and
in the words of John Kennedy, "Ask not what your country can do for you,
ask what you can do for your country." And then do it.

Yes, we can.

P

Musing on Something That's Sort of Like Marriage But Isn't Quite - Civil Unions and Domestic Partnerships

Ok. I have to say I'm not quite sure I get it. In fact, I'm pretty
sure I don't. Why are we splitting hairs over a word?

What word, you ask? Well…. marriage.

California recently upheld the right of same sex couples to marry,
stating in the majority opinion: "Upon reviewing the numerous past
California decisions that examine the underlying bases and
significance of the constitutional right to marry, the opinion
explains that the core substantive rights embodied in the right to
marry "include, most fundamentally, the opportunity of an individual
to establish — with the person with whom the individual has chosen to
share his or her life — an officially recognized and protected family
possessing mutual rights and responsibilities and entitled to the same
respect and dignity accorded a union traditionally designated as
marriage."

It continues: "in contrast to earlier times, our state now recognizes
that an individual's capacity to establish a loving and long-term
committed relationship with another person and responsibly to care for
and raise children does not depend upon the individual's sexual
orientation, and, more generally, that an individual's sexual
orientation — like a person's race or gender — does not constitute a
legitimate basis upon which to deny or withhold legal rights."

Core substantive rights embodied in the right to marry….. an
officially recognized and protected family …… same respect and dignity
….. traditionally designated as marriage. Sexual orientation …. does
not constitute ….. basis upon which to deny or withhold legal rights.

It makes total sense to me. So much so that I can't conceive of a
paradigm where one's sexual orientation could possibly be the basis
upon which legal rights are denied.

One argument against same sex marriage insists allowing gay and
lesbian partners the protections of marriage will somehow endanger my
marriage. Uhmm … ok …. Could someone please explain this to me because
I can't quite seem to grasp it.

I can understand the possible risk to my marriage of … say … no fault
divorce laws, legalized prostitution, rampant pornography, epidemic
crass consumerism, addiction, cultural acceptance (celebration, even!)
of infidelity, or a work "ethic" that undercuts our couple time. But
I'm not quite grasping how supporting the rights of other human beings
to create and protect a family will harm mine. Seems to me if we
really want to protect marriages we'd be speaking out about the real
risks rather than some smokescreen fantasy created to promote the
agenda of a religious mindset.

And now we get to the crux of the matter, don't we?
Senator McCain in his appearance on Ellen shortly after the California
court decision had a smooth, politically correct statement on the tip
of his tongue, "Well, my thoughts are that I think that people should
be able to enter into legal agreements, and I think that that is
something that we should encourage, particularly in the case of
insurance and other areas, decisions that have to be made. I just
believe in the unique status of marriage between man and woman."

Hair splitting, I say. A contract that gives (almost) the same rights
as marriage. Only instead of lace and flowers one arrives in a similar
place with lawyers and paperwork. That's not to say you couldn't have
a civil or religious commitment ceremony to mark the event; you could.
The difference is, from what I can tell, the solemnization of the
union cannot be made legal by virtue of this ceremony …. as it can for
straight couples. Why on earth not? Is there something that makes same
sex couples so different that we have to offer them a tortuous,
roundabout, coldly legal, method of getting to almost (but not quite)
the same place of creating and protecting their families?

Or is it fear and prejudice? Fear and prejudice and …. religious
beliefs? Fear and prejudice can, and have over and over again, be
addressed by looking closely at same sex couples, their children, and
their interactions with society. We know now that these families do
just as well in all those areas as straight families. We are, after
all, wonderfully complex beings regardless of our sexual orientation.
That seems to leave religious beliefs as the central disagreement. And
that is a problem.

In the US, thanks to the First Amendment, we have the right to freedom
of religion. We also have a freedom from religion. We can believe
whatever we want. What we cannot do is impose, via law or government
action, our religious beliefs upon another. No matter how deeply we
believe marriage is between a man and a woman because our god or
religious text says so, we absolutely cannot make laws which deny a
segment of the nation's couples and families the same rights as
others. The right to create, protect, and nurture, in the same way, a
long term familial relationship with a person of his or her choosing.

I know the day is at hand when we will be as aghast at this denial of
rights to same sex couples as we now are at the identical past
discrimination against interracial couples not so very long ago. From
now on when I say Musing on Marriage it's for every family … gay or
straight.

Musing on Marriage(tm) Betrayed Wives Club - Reality Check

So Barbara Walters had an affair. A kiss on the cheek from the Dalai
Lama and a ….. well …. you know …. from former US Senator Brooke. A
married man with two children. And then there's Eliot Spitzer,
Superhero for Morality, caught with his pants down in a brothel. Not
to mention Larry Craig whose "wide stance" got him a bit more than he
bargained for in his fifteen minutes of fame. And Oprah, Queen of the
Underdog, whose bulldog tenacity for saving everyone and everything
apparently did not kick in when she decided to dally with someone
else's hubby.

And we, the mundane of the world, are all aghast and adizzy at the
foibles of the rich and famous. Like the proverbial train wreck, we
can't look away as we hang on every little whisper waiting for the
next round of juicy details. How old (gasp!) was this overpaid
prostitute? Really? He was the first African American senator? How
many knocks did it take to entice the vice officer out of his stall?
We're like eight graders whispering and passing notes with heightened
intensity as we ignore the reality beneath the prurience.

Standing in the shadow, if we care to look, we can see them: The
Betrayed Wives Club. Or, The Wounded and Left for Dead Spouses Club.
Or, The Children of Cheaters Club.

We all know that sex sells. I get why the media focuses on the lusty
details of sexual betrayal (all the while shaking their heads and tsk
tsking for good show). But, really, when it comes right down to it,
glorifying infidelity as just another bit of celebrity chatter is as
offensive as reporting the details of a child murder using the format
of a slasher flick. It denies, completely, the dignity of the real
people whose lives will never be the same. The ones who live day in
and day out with the reality of having their choices stolen and their
lives shattered by betrayal from their inner circle.

Spitzer's wife, Silda, stood by him as he apologized to his
constituents in front of a packed crowd of microphones and flashbulbs.
The same microphones and flashbulbs that dashed off to vie for the
first interview with the "high class call girl". Where was the rush to
explore the agonizing pain of a wife betrayed? Where was the
discussion of the loss of innocence of his two teenage daughters? How
does one begin to piece the shattered remnants of a family back
together after this sort of loss? Does anyone really care? To the
hundreds of thousands of betrayed partners (and their children!)
around the country it doesn't look like it.

Imagine, if you can, the torment of standing in the checkout line at
your local grocery, unable to escape from the screaming headlines
heralding the birth of yet another celebrity "love child" (Shiloh,
anyone?) while your still-married-to-you hubby is expecting a bundle
of joy with some woman he met on the job and has shacked up with on
the other side of town. Or how about the panic-attack tunnel vision
nausea that comes with tuning into Letterman's lighthearted banter
about the Larry Craig fiasco (can you imagine the horror his wife must
be enduring?) or the double trouble family of New York's Vito Fossella.

Infidelity doesn't happen in a vacuum. It's not a victimless event.
People get hurt. More than hurt – they are traumatized in a way no one
should ever endure. Marriages are shattered. Children are ripped from
carefree lives. Real, live, breathing, human beings are brought to
their knees with the pain and grief of it all. Treating it as a joke,
or something to bandy about intellectually, is as immature and selfish
as the betrayal itself. As one woman put it so eloquently, "People who
have not experienced infidelity will not understand how watching
Barbara Walters casually talk about her affair, with no remorse, for
me is like watching someone recount raping someone as a once pleasant
memory."

C'mon America. Let's reclaim our integrity and our compassion. The
next time we hear another one of -those- news bites let's do a reality
check and remember the silent majority of pain behind the slick
sexiness of reporting for ratings.

Penny Tupy is a professional marriage coach and the founder of
Marriage Fidelity Day. She can be reached for coaching or interviews
at 651.775.8302. For more of her caustic humor on topics of great
import visit her on the web at swww.symcinc.com

Musing on Marriage(tm) The Spirit of a Woman

She `does for' everyone else.

She stumbles out of bed every two hours to sit in the rocker with the
nursing infant, heavy eyed and hollow with sleep deprivation. In the
morning she juggles corn flakes and juice while packing lunches,
signing permission slips, and writing notes to the teacher. During
her lunch hour she runs errands for the household. Husband needs
fresh razor blades, daughter has a project at school requiring poster
board and special markers, and the cat can only eat a certain food
found only in one store which is, of course, inconveniently located.
Lunch hour is a misnomer – she doesn't really stop to eat lunch.

She works at a job she may or may not love. Her dream of making a
splash in the world has become more tied up with caring for family
than with being a superstar or Nobel Prize winner. Not that she
doesn't still dream, she does, but the sparks of her passion are now
tied up with her desire to uphold and nurture the dreams of those she
loves so deeply.

In the evening, she pulls together a meal from remnants of leftovers,
a little pasta, and a can of fruit cocktail. Because she retains a
hint of yesterday's values she insists the children put their napkins
on their laps and learn to hold their forks in ways that seem foreign
to their little hands. It's a nightly battle whose wages are whining
and excuses. She smiles through gritted teeth and pounding head and
distracts them from the whining with a question about their day.

On autopilot she averts disaster constantly scanning the horizon for
looming threats. "Is there enough money in the school milk account?
Do the boots from last year still fit? – It's going to snow this
weekend. We need to make a special stop for a birthday gift for the
child's friend – do you know what he likes?" She schedules dental
appointments, well child visits, eye appointments, and keeps the
immunization records up to date. She finds missing library books in
the final rushed moments before the bus comes so her daughter can
exchange it for a new one today at school. She knows the shoe, shirt,
pant, and hat size of every member of the family – and she has an
internal radar that reminds her to keep everyone in clothes that fit.

When she signed up for this thing called marriage and family she
believed she was joining a team. She had a dream, a vision, of
partnering with this man for life in a venture they would carve out
together. Certainly she knew that each of them would play different
roles at different times but always she thought of it as a team. A
team where both players and all their parts would be honored for its
importance and value. A team where the weight was shifted and
distributed as conditions and situations warranted.

If it was a second marriage that dream vision was tinged all at once
with loss and renewal, death and rebirth. She'd dreamed the dream
once before and watched it wither. But hope was strong and took root
once again with a new love, a new life. In his eyes she saw the
promise of being cared for in the way she cared for everyone else.

But she forgot, or never knew, that love and caring, nurturing and
guiding don't have a spot on the bottom line. They don't get counted
in the same way when the conversation about the "good of the family"
is used to deny her the sustenance needed to feed her spirit. Her
giving is a shadow presence – demanded of her without words –
unrewarded and overlooked in the urgency of doing what is "for the
good of the family."

And so as the years unfold and she finds herself alone and pregnant,
alone in the middle of the night with a sick child, alone with the
worry about the mundane trials of life, alone with her lost dreams,
conversations never spoken, and empty hopes, she begins to grieve the
loss of the dream.

Once she'd been young and vital staring with anticipation at all that
life could offer. Smart, talented, passionate, witty, quiet,
outrageous, brilliant, tentative and confident all at once she could
have been anything she wanted. She chose love. She chose to give of
herself to those who held the essence of her heart. Her husband, her
children, her parents, her friends, and even those far removed whose
cause she cared about. She volunteers, she works, she mothers, and
she does her best to support her husband. She gives of herself and
she gives herself.

She puts aside her thoughts of fame and fortune knowing the deeper
mystery. That fortunes in gold cannot compare to fortunes of the
heart. That fame and acclaim of celebrityhood pale next to being
Known by the loves of your life. That the deepest satisfaction of
life comes of sharing most intimately all that you are with another
person.

As a child she wished this from her parents and as she grew she came
to see that she must leave their embrace and pursue the dream
elsewhere. When she held her babies in her arms she knew that she
held them for only a brief moment in time and they too would leave
the nest – as she had done. With her friends and other loved ones she
gave of herself knowing that it was gift. She understands at the
deepest level that this is What Women Do – they give. And in their
giving they manifest the force that gives life to the planet.

All she asks in return for this gift of nurturance and life is that
she be loved and cherished, honored and held safe by one person. Her
husband. She doesn't ask that he sacrifice his dreams or aspirations,
she stands ready to support him in all those things. She only asks
that he look into her eyes, take the time and energy to know her
deeply, and that he engage with her as a partner in this life they
build together. She asks that her contribution be given a place of
honor and that he participate with her in crafting a home. This is
the food that keeps alive the Spirit of a woman.

But now her youth is faded, the fine lines show on her face, her
waist has thickened. She's tired and she's sad inside. She still
gives to family and home and she still wishes for knowing and
intimacy. But she is contemptuously told she's "unbelievable" when
she asks for engagement or support. Her pleas for partnership die on
her lips. She wonders if she made the wrong choice all those years
ago – if what she saw as the mystery of love was nothing but a cruel
trick of the light.


Until at last she finds herself one chilly morning in the darkest
time of the year sitting across from him in a coffee shop. The walls
painted in colors of earth, wood tables and mismatched chairs filled
with students and couples and families. Clattering and chattering
fill the air while the sound and aroma of grinding coffee make up the
background. And he says to her, this man who insists her desire for
teamship, for engagement, for true partnering is outrageous, too much
to expect of anyone, that he is excited to be back at work this week.
That not only did he do an exceedingly good job leading his
colleagues over the past two years but that he is motivated to do
even more this year. That he revels in his reputation as the
powerhouse who gets things done. That his participation and
engagement on several teams have made a positive and lasting impact.
And in that moment time stands still. The sounds and aromas colors
and textures of the little coffee house become flat and empty –
silent as if all life was suddenly sucked away. In the silent
emptiness that remains she hears it, the final dying sigh of her
spirit as it falls slowly, forgotten and alone, into the abyss.

Musing on Marriage(tm) The Stories of Our Lives, Intentional Ethics

I took my son to a cardiologist this morning. It's not the first time
I've done so, nor will it be the last. My son has a congenital heart
defect virtually identical to the one that took the life of his older
brother at birth, twenty years ago. But unlike his older brother's,
the defect in Nathaniel's heart is mild requiring nothing more than a
visit to his doctor every two years. In time as he grows and changes
that may change as well. The day may come when he needs significant
intervention including open heart surgery to replace the unruly
valve. But not today. Today he is an active and vociferous ten year
old.

When we finished at the doctor my husband and I took Nathaniel out
for a little snack at a nearby Caribou. Sitting there watching him my
vision changed, just for a moment, and I realized something, looking
at this sparkly eyed creature in front of me. In the book of his
life, through those mischievous brown eyes and the spirit behind
them, we are but the supporting cast and he is the main character.

And then, looking around the coffee shop I held that thought about
each of the people I saw. The brand new mother at the table next to
me holding an infant so small it could hardly have been real. And the
baby itself, his little mouth pursed in contentment as his eyes slid
with baby like slowness around the room. The older couple, well
dressed, who seemed to hold each other in an awareness that didn't
allow for the rest of us. The barista behind the counter. The man
with the computer at the other end of the store and the moms with a
couple of small girls seated not too far from him. Behind me were two
women studying what looked to be a nursing textbook. Each of them
unique never to be repeated or replaced beings. Each of them the main
character in the book of their lives. And we, the others in the
coffee shop, simply supporting cast, perhaps not even that, perhaps
only extras, there to fill the space as they did whatever it was they
came to do at a coffee shop on a brisk October morning.

As we got up to leave I said to my son and my husband, "Say goodbye
to all these people, we'll never see them again." And they, my son
and my husband, looked at me as if I was a bit off and laughed and
rolled their eyes at me. But it's true. We may cross paths with these
people again, but it's unlikely. And, even if we do neither of us is
going to remember a brief shared time at a coffee house somewhere in
suburbia.

But each person leaving that coffee shop today will continue to write
the book of his or her life. Each will continue to play out the role
of the main character, telling the story from his or her point of
view as the years unfold and life moves forward. And each of us will
simultaneously play supporting roles and the parts of extras in the
books of many others at the same time we are writing our own stories.
Each of those roles interconnected with the lives and stories and
roles of the people around us whose lives we touch. Even if only for
a moment.

And in all that, when we really examine it, we must come to profound
realization of how much we are all alike in our humanness. We live,
we love, we laugh, we cry. Our experiences are universal. Some of us
are heroes, some are villains, and many are somewhere in between. But
we are completely and without reservation human. It is only when we
recognize that we are all the same that we can begin the quest for an
intentionally ethical lifestyle. When we see that others are the main
character of their own story we can afford them the honor and the
dignity that is their due simply by virtue of our shared humanity.

When we can see that – when we can look around a coffee shop or a
playground, or an online community and we can see each person's story
as unique and extraordinary we can move outside ourselves to a place
of profound respect. This is what SYMC seeks to do in our work with
infidelity. See that each person in the triangle plays a leading
role. And that each individual is uniquely and completely human with
all the tendencies toward good and evil that each of us carries. Each
person in the triangle laughs and cries, loves and hates, hurts and
is hurt in return. And each person writes the story of the affair
from his or her point of view. When we honor that, and only then, can
we reach out with love and compassion to each of the members of the
triangle. We can only talk about ethics and harming none when we
carry a deep respect for the person whom we are confronting,
comforting, or advising.

An oft quoted directive says, "Do unto others as you would have them
do unto you." And yet, that doesn't adequately address an internal
drive to honor another. That statement is about us – about what we
would like, or not like as the case may be, rather than about an
objective respect for another. If, therefore, I like being laughed at
I would base my decision on whether to laugh at someone else on my
feelings or wishes. But, if instead, I take the position of "harming
none" I am forced to look beyond myself, my likes and dislikes, and
toward the better good of those around me.

If I avoid conflict at all costs, a dangerous game in marriage, I
might assume that it is best to allow others to play the same
avoidance game. I would be doing unto another as I would like done
unto me. But avoiding conflict is harmful in the long run. In order
to search for a truly ethical position on any subject we must first
recognize the spark that exists in all of us and then seek a way to
honor each that spark as we honor our own.

Will our book, the story of our own life portray us as a hero? A
villain? A person to admire or to fear? The answer to that lies in
how we touch the lives of the others within that story. Do we hold
the vision of respect and dignity in highest regard? Do we seek
choices and solutions that are only for the better good? If so then
although we will certainly need to make difficult choices and take
unpopular actions when all is said and done and the final page is
turned we can only inspire respect and honor in those whose stories
will follow.

Musing on Marriage(tm) Marital Cancer

Last year, just about this time as the air was cooling and the trees
were turning from summer green to a duskier color in anticipation of
Autumn's paintbrush, I was diagnosed with the one of the rarest forms
of cancer known to humanity.

For most people, just the word itself is enough to send tremors of
fear crashing through every cell in their body. The world as you know
it comes to an end while you face this intruder and strategize ways
to neutralize its potential to cause harm or even loss of life. No
one would think to suggest that cancer is a benign condition that can
just be tolerated without risk.

What I want to tell you today is that there is an incredibly virulent
form of disease at work in your marriage. One that is every bit as
threatening to the life of your marriage as cancer is to the life
your body. The name of that disease is conflict avoidance.

Conflict avoidance, however, is a myth. The only way to avoid
conflict is to die – otherwise we simply postpone it. And then, it
tends to come back and bite us in the, well…… you get the picture.
When that happens, small issues that might have been worked out with
a little effort and creativity become much larger issues with added
resentment and irritation built into the mix.

Most of us don't really like conflict. It's a natural instinct to
want to avoid having to face it. Most of us don't really like being
ill either, but both sickness and conflict are parts of the human
existence – and as such – need to be addressed. Preserving our
physical health or our marital health means there are things we need
to just do, even when they're a bit unpleasant or even downright
frightening.

Let's take a relatively emotionally neutral subject and look at what
happens when the issue is avoided. Let's say Sally is married to
Manuel. Sally likes to spend at least an hour a day playing euchre on
the computer with a bunch of other women. Manuel's not all that
thrilled with it, but he doesn't want to rock the boat and raise the
issue with his wife.

Some of the excuses I hear for conflict postponement and that Manuel
give are:

"I don't want to hurt his/her feelings."
This is admirable. We should all strive not to hurt feelings. But
that's not really what's behind this excuse. What we're really saying
is , I don't want to face the possible unpleasantness and backlash
that might result in letting my spouse know I'm unhappy. Or, I don't
want to face my own feelings of distress that arise when I talk about
my desires that conflict with my spouse's. That's not kindness, it's
fear.

Manuel keeps silent because he fears his wife will cry and rant at
him and that their weekend will be ruined. It's a great strategy –
for her – she gets what she wants and he suffers silently. The
problems is as his irritation builds he'll begin to snipe at her,
making pointed little comments that will indeed hurt her feelings and
lead not to resolution but to more fighting and more disconnect in
their marriage.

"She has a right to have fun with her friends."
Perhaps. Depends on the friends and the sorts of fun she's having.
The problem is that when one spouse is having a great time and is
offending or irritating the other one in the process the marriage
takes a hit.

Sally does have a right to have friends. But unless there is an
understanding that friendships must complement the marriage rather
than detract from it, where is the line? At what point do friendships
decrease the quality of life by intruding into the most essential
relationships of marriage and family? Sally has a right to have
friends as long as her friends and her activities with them don't
offend or hurt her spouse or her marriage.

Avoiding this issue out of some misguided loyalty to a cultural
construct which does not protect marriages is a dangerous strategy.

"She's going to be really upset with me."
She might. And children are really upset when we deny them the latest
gadget or treat at the checkout. We all understand the need as
parents to set boundaries in the face of a child's upset, the same is
true of marriage. The difference is that as adults relating to each
other in an intimate relationship we need to work as a cooperative
team rather than as an authoritarian figure and a child.

Team work requires complete information. No one in their right mind
would think a task force at work could do its job effectively if one
or more members withheld vital information about the status of the
project. Doing so out of fear of one member of the team being upset
sabotages the efforts of the team as a whole and guarantees greater
upset all around. Conflict postponement.


There are things Manuel can and should do to minimize Sally's upset.
Going at her with guns blazing is not going to helpful. He needs to
remain calm and courteous and approach his wife with an attitude of
cooperation. Saying, "Your priorities are out line, can't you see
that the house and the marriage are suffering while you have a merry
little time playing stupid games," is NOT going to be helpful. It's
going to start a fight.

But, saying, "Gee honey, I know you enjoy your time with your
friends, but I'm lonely and missing you – what can we do to work this
out better?" is going to open a discussion about the time on the
computer, both their needs, and if they work together lead them
towards a solution which eliminates resentment.

"I've already told her how much this bothers me and she doesn't
care." Well, first, we don't know if she cares or not, unless she has
specifically said so – and even then we only have her word for it.
Additionally, feelings change over time and hers may have as well.

Even so, Manuel may be right and he may have repeatedly shared with
Sally his irritation about the game playing. In that case he needs to
reevaluate how he is sharing that information. The first concern is
whether or not he's being honest about his feelings and needs or
whether he's being rude and demanding. If he's expressing his
feelings honestly in a way that is courteous and calm then it may be
that he needs to do a better job of asking for input into change or
for change itself.

"Sally, I'm unhappy about the time playing games on the computer," is
a great start. Honest, calm, courteous. But it doesn't ask for
action. The next step is asking for input, "It's causing some
friction between us and I'm wondering what we can do to find a
solution."

If Manuel does all of that repeatedly over a period of weeks and
months – without losing his temper and without being disrespectful
towards Sally in the process – and there is still no change then he
has valuable information about Sally's willingness to protect the
marriage from her own self-interested actions. Depending on the
severity of the offense (obviously cocaine use is more problematic
than bridge with friends) he will need to decide what actions to take
at that point.

But, if he hides his head in the sand and never addresses the issue
of the computer games he will find himself becoming more and more
irritated with his wife. He is lying to her about himself and he
becomes the threat to the health of the marriage by not allowing her
the opportunity to make changes in her actions in order to keep the
relationship strong and on track.

Conflict postponement is one of the greatest threats to marital
health. Some consider it to be the greatest factor predicting
divorce. If you are concerned about being good to your spouse and
your marriage then you will put away a desire to `be nice' and
concentrate instead on being honesty and courteous.

Conflicted yours,
Penny

Musing on Marriage(tm) It Takes Two

One person can't save a marriage. Both partners need to be on board.
Both need to work at it. Both need to care. Both need to……

Bunk.

One person can make a tremendous difference in the atmosphere of the
marriage – in the day to day dynamics that define what the marriage
is all about. One person, making internal shifts that take
responsibility for one's part of the marital dynamics can (and often
does) make all the difference between a marriage that is happy and
fulfilling and one that is a dismal failure.

Oftentimes when my husband and I are having a bad day (or week or
month) one of us will make a conscious decision to step of the path
of ickiness and move to a better place. More often than not, it's my
husband who does that – he being much less pigheaded than I. He'll
stop midsentence, take a deep breath and say or do something to move
us somewhere less adversarial. It is absolutely a case of one person
making a difference, particularly because I could stay stuck in
pigheaded nastiness for quite some time.

Several years ago, when things with us were stuck and I was blaming
everything that was wrong with our lives on the past misdeeds (real
or imagined) of my husband, I had a moment of epiphany. Out of the
cosmos I was hit with the reality that my problem with the marriage
was nothing to do with what Steve did or did not do – it was entirely
about my regrets about my past choices and how they got me to where I
was that day. How freeing! Suddenly I wasn't waiting for him to
change in order for our marriage to be good. With a shift in attitude
I could let go of the past and focus on today – and only today.

Alright – so I hear you already shaking your head and muttering under
your breath that those are times when both partners are committed to
the marriage and to staying in it. Perhaps you're right. So let's
look at some of the tough case scenarios – anger/abuse, infidelity,
other addiction. Those are times you say when one person can't save
the marriage – when the destructive acts of one are too powerful or
too terrible to overcome.

At some point you are right. But I believe that point is much farther
down the road than most of us are willing to admit. It requires far
less work on our part if we can push the blame off onto someone who
is so obviously trashing the marriage instead of turning toward the
mirror and asking what we can do.

Now, I'm not talking about being nice. This is not about meeting
needs, being warm and fuzzy to your mate, or about biting your tongue
and living with a relationship that is less than desirable. I don't
do nice. I'm talking about deep, internal, difficult, personal
changes. The sorts of things that when I ask you to do them you tell
me you "can't." I'm talking about things like confronting conflict
rather than avoiding it. Being honest when you're hurting or upset.
(No shouting and fighting is not addressing conflict or being honest –
I mean calm, collected, courteous, grown up, vulnerable honesty.)
Intervening in an affair or addiction. Leaving an abusive situation.
Calling 911 and pressing charges when you are threatened or harmed.
Getting a restraining order. Refusing to enable or to play along with
a destructive situation. Tough love. Really really tough love.

When people get courage and the become willing to fully address the
things that are hurting the marriage they can make a tremendous
difference. Alone. When they take a stand for themselves and their
boundaries – when they protect their marriage the way a mother bear
protects her young – without malice and without sentimentality – they
can and they do make a difference.

I'm a big fan of pain. Without pain most of us would not change our
course of action. When we make our partner comfortable in his/her
destruction of our marriage we become as great a threat to the
marriage as the one who is cheating, addicted, or abusive. When we
refuse to enable those things, when we rock the boat, make waves, and
address our own fears of conflict we steer the rudder of our own
destiny. Only after doing so can we say that our actions made no
difference to the saving of the marriage.

Saying that it takes two is correct in the end. But as a first step
argument it's nothing more than a way to avoid the pain and the work
of our own internal changes.

P

Musing on Marriage(tm) Death of a Hero

Superman died yesterday. Christopher Reeve, best know for his role as
Superman and later as an activist for spinal cord and central nervous
system research, died at the age of 52 of complications from an
infection. He was a hero not only on stage and film but in real life
as well. After a tragic accident on horseback in 1995 left him
paralyzed Reeve worked ardently as an advocate for research that
would allow not only himself to walk again but the millions of others
who suffer from similar injuries. Reeve became a real life hero of
greater proportions than Superman could ever dream of being. He was
the epitome of grace under duress.

This morning, as I heard the news on the radio, the DJ made a comment
I think was echoed in the hearts of many of Reeve's admirers around
the world, "I really believed he would walk again." Such was the
unwavering faith of the man in the wheel chair. So much so that he
inspired belief in what today is still impossible.

But Reeve was a hero in more than just his faith in the ability to
find a cure or the way he inspired others to hang on to hope. He was
a hero in that he remained, to the end, gracious, upbeat, committed
to life, and committed to living fully. He modeled the kind of
courage and dedication we ask for from individuals and couples when
their marriages are in deep crises or when they face the reality of
the struggle to recover and heal day in and day out. He didn't give
up.

``I refuse to allow a disability to determine how I live my life. I
don't mean to be reckless, but setting a goal that seems a bit
daunting actually is very helpful toward recovery,'' Reeve said of
his determination to walk again and the steps he was willing to take
to get there. Thanks to Reeve's dedication and persistence there is
hope for millions of people that never existed before.

When I worked as an EMT I was so often struck by how quickly life
changes. Between one heartbeat and the next everything we thought was
true about our lives can change. A car crash, a heart attack, being
thrown from a horse, or stumbling across a spouse's infidelity – in
one breath life will never again be the same.

So what do I want to say about this? I want to say that no matter how
terrible it seems, how impossible, improbable, or lost, the cause may
appear until one takes a final breath there is hope and there is work
to be done. Knowing what steps to take and when to take them may be
as difficult as doing the actual work. Overcoming one's own
resistance and habitual thought patterns might be a big part of the
picture. Learning to own our own feelings and reactions rather than
blaming others is incredibly demanding and usually painful. Healing a
marriage rocked by trauma of any sort is a journey of one day at a
time.

And yet – we can look to Christopher Reeve for hope and
inspiration. "Everyone" said he would never walk or feel again. With
an incredible amount of determination mixed in with new medical
experimentation, he was able to breathe for longer and longer periods
without a respirator. He was able to lift at least one finger. He
increased the strength in his arms and legs. And, he regained
sensation in other parts of his body. Every one of those things
was "impossible" before. Call me the eternal optimist but I believe
that had he lived he would have walked.

I also believe that most marriages can be saved. Not by what your
spouse may or may not do – but because of the changes you make.
Impossible you say? The ads for the Reeve's first Superman movie
said "You will believe he can fly." I did. I also believe he would
have walked. Both impossible feats. I believe in the power of thought
and hope and persistence. I believe in you.

P

Musing on Marriage(tm) On Being Judged

I got an email this week from a fellow marriage advocate and writer.
I'd initiated a conversation with the person to exchange information,
hoping to grow the village and benefit both our passions in this
business of saving marriages. Early in our conversation I mentioned
that I'd been the one to initiate and force a divorce in my first
marriage – something that haunts me daily when I see the effects on
my kids and on all the kids I see in situations where their families
are falling apart. And, something that I speak of very openly. It's
part of why people relate so well to me as a coach and writer.

As many of you know, this is why I'm so committed to this work. My
personal feeling is that if adults want to mess up their lives and
create a lot of pain and chaos for themselves they have every right
to do so. I feel sadness and compassion for them and will do whatever
I can to help, but as adults in a free society, they have the right
to make those kinds of choices. But once there are kids involved the
picture changes. If you read my Musing on staying together for the
kids you know that I feel very strongly about the obligation of
adults to protect and safeguard our children.

I failed at doing that. I admit it fully – have for years. And those
of you who know me well know how deeply having failed at that hurts
me. It's guilt and a sadness I know I'll never get over. It is the
one thing, the only thing that will make me cry with exactly the same
ease and swiftness as talking about the death of one of my children
many years ago. It haunts me in moments of lightheartedness and it
keeps me awake long into the night. The pain of a parent seeing the
suffering of a child, especially suffering the parent has caused, is
possibly the deepest pain we can endure.

The work that I do with couples whose marriages are not only on the
brink but falling through space brings me into daily contact with
kids whose lives are in the frenetic chaos of falling apart. I see, I
feel, I taste their pain and their terror. I watch from a distance as
they do the things my kids did when my marriage ended – the
rebellion, the failing grades, the adversarial positions they take,
the ending of their childhood. In contrast, I watch other families –
intact families – and their children. The stark difference between
the kids of families falling through space and those whose lives are
stable and secure is more pronounced than the difference between
night and day. Being a front row observer reminds me daily of the
wages of my choices. It hurts – and it makes me more determined to
stand up, speak out, and work to save and heal marriages in any way
possible.

So, this email that I got, in response to a request to combine a
couple of resources for saving marriages said this: "I feel very
uncomfortable seeing someone involved in this work if he/she is the
one who forced the divorce. It's usually the other way around---folks
get into this work because they had a divorce forced upon them."

Wowwww….. you can imagine how that was a knife twisting in my gut.
Not only was I being judged for mistakes of the past, but my ability –
no – my right to move forward and make amends through my work was
challenged, questioned. All the pain and guilt and sadness poured
over me in tidal waves that I hadn't experienced in a long long time.

Why am I telling you this? It's not to gain sympathy or to have you
say, "There, there, P, we know you do good work and we appreciate
it." No, it's to bring to awareness the terrible destruction that
comes of judging another person. At SYMC we are, to the person,
insistent upon and dedicated to the idea that we don't get to judge.
I don't care what you've done in the past – truly. I care about what
you are doing right now and whether your actions are leading you to a
life of more integrity and better choices.

Had an affair in the past? Addicted to some other substance? Anger
and abuse issues? Divorced one, two, three, four times? Sorry to hear
it, it must have been painful for everyone. Now, let's talk about
what you learned and how you can take that knowledge and wisdom and
craft a better life. What can you do to make amends? What are you
doing to ensure you never make the same mistake again? Not just for
you and your family, although you need to start there, but for the
rest of the planet as well.

Judging people, much like labeling, keeps them stuck. Judging
oneself – refusing to grant forgiveness for the things you've done in
the past – keeps you stuck as well. In fact, it's a wonderful way to
avoid the painful process of growth and renewal. If you take the
position that you did such and such and because of it are unworthy to
do something like --- oh, say marriage advocacy ---- then you're
allowing yourself to stay in a place that is less than where you
should be going. You're enabling a lifestyle of mediocrity less than
wonderful choices.

None of us is perfect. We all make mistakes. Some yield greater and
more serious consequences. But, for as long as you have breath and
spark within you, the possibility, no, the obligation to learn from
your mistakes and to use that learning as a stepping stone to
something more exists. The obligation to allow others the same chance
to grow and heal and make amends exists as well.

There's a poem (that half an hour of online searching cannot find)
which talks about our fear, not of failing, but of being truly great.
Don't let your mistakes or those of anyone around you, impede or
dissuade you from greatness. Stop judging and take positive action.
What small thing can you do today on your walk toward greatness?

Penny

Musing on Marriage(tm) Woodlands or Fields?

I live in rural western Wisconsin, a bucolic paradise of quickly
disappearing family dairy farms and little towns that have never
heard of Starbucks or Target. (I didn't say I liked it, I said I live
here ….) Anyway, as I was saying…. This is a beautiful spot on the
planet, rolling hills, woods, fields, pastures, and picturesque
farmsteads for miles and miles.

A couple of years ago when one of my boys was in Cub Scouts we had an
opportunity to take a ride in a small plane with one of the other
scout's dad who generously offered his plane and his time. We flew
from the little airport about 40 miles from us up over our little
town and back along the river – seeing quite a bit of the surrounding
countryside.

What an eye opener! Driving along the highways or county roads you
roll past miles and miles of fields and pasture with the occasional
hill of trees in the distance. From the vantage point of a car (or
pickup!) this part of the world is mostly open fields with a few
wooded areas tossed in for good effect. But from the air – with a
larger, farther reaching view, an entirely different picture presents
itself. In reality the woods are enormous, covering more than half
the surface of the earth in comparison to roads, fields, and
pastures. Who knew!? Not being a bird, or having a plane of my own, I
had no reason to think the landscape was any different than what I
saw from the highway. That little jaunt in a twin engine prop plane
changed my vision of where I live.

So what's that got to do with marriage? Glad you asked. The having to
do with marriage part is all about a shift in awareness – of seeing
things from a different perspective and realizing that simply because
you have always seen things in one way or another does not mean that
it is the only way to see those things.

In the early months of my career as a coach, Harvey*, whom I had
mentored on and off over the course of a year, asked me to coach him
through a difficult time in his marriage. His wife had moved out of
the house after having had an affair and she was on the verge of
filing for divorce. Her primary complaint about the marriage was
Harvey's anger and control tactics. She told him that over the course
of their 20+ year marriage she had been mostly unhappy.

Now, if you do work with couples experiencing infidelity you know
that a re-write of history is common, and perhaps that's what
Harvey's wife was doing. However, having mentored Harvey for close to
a year and then working as his coach it was readily apparent that he
did have problems with both anger and control. He would rant at me at
least once a week, twist things around, becoming both demanding and
disrespectful – I could see why his wife complained and I believe
that she had been truly unhappy.

Harvey, on the other hand, just couldn't see it. He said something to
me that since that time a whole host of men have said about their
wives' version of their marital history "When is she going to wake up
and realize that she's wrong and that we had lots and lots of good
times?" Harvey was just like me rolling along in a car across western
Wisconsin – seeing only the open fields with the trees in the
background. He didn't have the point of view to see that the trees
really covered a much greater part of the landscape than the fields
visible from the road.

Other versions of Harvey's statement are – "But I have pictures of
us at where she is smiling and laughing," or "I
remember going to and that she had a good time,"
or "We had lots of times where she was happy," or any number of
versions of the same refrain.

Interestingly, I only get this insistence that the past was wonderful
from men whose partners have left. And, even more interesting is
almost without fail these are men who have demonstrated problems with
control, anger, and abuse – verbal or physical. I have not (at least
as of today) heard a woman say the same thing about her spouse who
has pulled back from the marriage. There's probably a whole week of
Musings on the difference between men and women and how they react to
emotional situations, but that's for another time.

What I want to highlight today is the need to accept and validate
what the other person is saying about his – or in these cases her –
reality. Harvey's wife and the wives of many other men are seeing the
marriage from the air. To them, the good times are tiny open fields
edging the highway but the overriding picture of the marriage is a
forest of hurt and sadness. When they look back at their years of
being married they see little pockets of smiles, mostly at events or
activities maybe on holidays, and endless miles of tears.

If these husbands want to change the tide of the marriage – if they
hope to have a chance of enticing their wives back they need to stop
arguing about whether or not she was happy. A dozen (or a thousand)
pictures of a smiling woman do not a happy marriage make. Instead
they need to accept that her reality, although different from theirs,
is as real to her as his is to him. Instead of waiting for her
to `wake up' these husbands must accept at face value what she is
saying – she was unhappy, the marriage was not a wonderful place for
her, and then he needs to do something about it.

Changing one's vision of reality is often difficult. Unless we can
experience what someone else is experiencing it's virtually
impossible for us to know what it's like. We can imagine – but we
struggle to hold in our consciousness a point of view different than
our own. This, I believe, is why I see this phenomenon in men with
control problems. Control and the ensuing anger come from the idea
that our way is the only way and that we have a right to insist on
getting our way at any cost to the other person. Tunnel vision. The
inability to understand that there is a way to view something that is
different from our usual position. Rigidity.

Today, three or four years after my eye opening ride in that plane, I
sometimes forget that there are vast expanses of woods beyond the
fields and pastures that line the highways of rural Wisconsin. But
when I stop to think about it, I know they're there. In my minds eye
I can envision the hills and bluffs covered with trees. If your wife
is telling you she's unhappy – that she's been unhappy for a long
time – don't argue! Just because you see things from the front seat
of the car doesn't mean that another reality doesn't exist. Fly with
her – ask her to tell you about her reality. And then ask her what
you can do to make the next leg of the trip one that is much more
satisfying for her. And then, do it.

Happy Flying,
Penny

*Name changed to protect privacy and confidentiality

Musing On Marriage(tm) Staying Together "For the Kids"

Before the "me" generation of the late 60's and 70's married couples
with children tended to stay married for a lot of reasons that aren't
as powerfully present in today's world. Women now make up nearly 50%
of the workforce in the US and we generate more than half of the US
economy. Women are not as likely to stay married due to financial
dependence as they were in the past. Women are also better educated
and less dependent overall. The sexual revolution of the 60's and
70's made it possible not only to remove pregnancy from sex but it
also displaced the idea of sex only within marriage and not until
marriage. Religion, which played a strong role in keeping couples
together has become less and less of a motivating force. Some studies
suggest that the rate of divorce is higher in the "Bible Belt" than
elsewhere. The Catholic Church, once the last holdout against
divorce, now takes a circuitous route to acceptance with the
annulment process – claiming the marriage was never valid to begin
with. And even those Catholics who divorce without seeking an
annulment find acceptance – if not in their home parishes in
neighboring Christian communities. The untouched factor for many
years continued to be staying together for the sake of the kids.

We've all known couples who were passionately unhappily married but
who gritted their teeth and stuck it out. For the kids. The parents
who couldn't stand the sight of each other but who sat down to dinner
each night as a family, celebrated holidays as a family, attended
school functions as a family, and created a stable home – as a
family – from which the children would inevitably move away from and
into their own lives as adults. These parents stayed together,
sacrificing the best years of their lives – pouring the hearts and
souls into their work and their hobbies to avoid the pain of their
failed marriages – mostly because they believed doing so was in the
best interest of the children.

Were they right? I don't know that there's a definitive answer to
that. What I do know is the carnage I see day after day in the
divorced families where staying together for the sake of the children
no longer is an option. In fact, the concept itself seems to be
disappearing from our consciousness. Now we hear about the need for
self actualization. The need to find oneself or to pursue one's
passions (often that translates to the person waiting in the wings).
The need to realize one's own dreams, even if that means shattering
the lives of the people closest to oneself. We don't talk much,
anymore, about staying together for the sake of the children, and
when we do it's in pitying tones for those who choose that route. As
if they've somehow failed the rest of us by their dedication to the
wellbeing of their offspring.

The pendulum has indeed swung in the other direction. Which of course
raises the question of whether there is a middle ground – a place of
balance between self and other. At what point does one sacrifice too
much of self for another, even ones' own child? And at what point is
one being selfish is pursuit of personal fulfillment? Is staying in
the marriage purely for the sake of the children something to be
looked down on or even feared?

Should we stay in a miserable marriage solely for the sake of the
children? I think the question needs looking at in a slightly
different light. Would I ask someone to stay in an unhappy marriage
just for the children without doing anything proactive to change the
marriage? No, I don't think so. But then, I wouldn't advocate going
to work just for the paycheck without actively participating in the
job one was hired to do. Both seem to be a recipe for frustration
verging on madness.

So let's change the question around a bit. Is the welfare of the
children reason enough to stick it out and work on an ill marriage,
even if there seems to be no feelings and no hope? To that I say a
resounding, Yes!

I'm really not picky about the reasons why people choose to stay in a
marriage, giving it another shot at recovery. In fact, it seems to me
that honoring one's obligations as parents, guardians, and nurturers
of the next generation is one of the better reasons to do so. What I
don't want to see is the old paradigm of staying for the kids and
enduring a life of misery. Stay for the kids – and then work hard and
work smart to effect positive change in the marriage.

Musing on Marriage(tm) Infidelity and the Egg

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the King's horses
And all the King's men
Couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again

I'm often asked why people who have affairs must permanently end all
contact with their affair partner if their marriage is to recover and
heal. After all, they were often friends with the lover prior to the
affair and they don't want to lose the friendship along with all the
other losses an affair leaves in its wake.

There are lots of quick and easy answers to that question. Ongoing
contact is offensive and painful for the spouse, the affair is likely
to rekindle, true healing of the marriage can't begin while the
involved spouse is still emotionally connected to the affair partner.
They are all valid reasons and there are good scientific reasons to
back them up. So what more is there to say? I had a sudden visual
image the other day that spoke to me about this issue and I'm hoping
I can relay it in a way that makes it clearer.

The vast majority of affairs occur with someone we know. A close
friend, co-worker, or even family member. Prior to an affair, even
relationships as close as long term friendships retain a level of
distance. Shirley Glass (Not Just Friends, 2003) describes it well
when she speaks about the walls healthy marriages have erected around
the couple to protect them from outside risks.

Intimacy requires vulnerability. As an affair couple moves along the
continuum from friendship to lover layers of protection are peeled
away. Topics that were off limits become primary areas of
conversation. Touch that is reserved for the marriage is now
exchanged with someone outside the marriage. Looks that pass between
lovers are different than those that pass between friends and that
layer or protection is now peeled away as well. Little by little, the
walls that surround and protect the marriage are breached. The layers
of distance are stripped away leaving the partners open, vulnerable,
and intimately known at a level deeper than merely friendship.

When couples connect at this level they come to know each other in a
way that cannot be reversed. They cannot unknow what they have come
to see beneath the layers. Nor can they disconnect entirely from the
intimacy that knowing creates.

When the affair ends, as most do, the layers of protection are gone.
Just as all the King's Horses and all the King's Men couldn't put
Humpty Dumpty together again – neither can we replace the layers
covering the deepest most vulnerable parts of our being. We have
been seen and we cannot remove the memory of that vision. An orange,
once peeled, is forever revealed. The same is true of the human heart
and soul.

Years later, an old flame – long forgotten and newly met – can touch
us in ways someone who has not known us so deeply has no power to do.
We know the inner core of our former loves, and they ours. This is,
at the primal level, the reason contact with an affair partner must
permanently end. That knowing – that depth of connection – cannot be
undone. To remain in contact is to ever put the marriage at risk. To
remain in contact sabotages our ability to recreate that level of
knowingness and intimacy with our mate.

This is why our spouses are so offended and threatened with continued
or renewed contact. They intuitively sense the missing protective
layers of unknowing. They instinctively recognize the connection that
has been created and the danger is poses to the marriage. They know
in their depths that as long as contact continues healing cannot
fully occur.

Friends can easily become lovers. But the reverse is not true. Lovers
cannot easily become "just" friends.

Musing on Marriage(tm) Holes in the Roof

I love houses. Always have. A favorite weekend recreation is to tour
the semi annual parade of homes or to check out the newest open
models in the upscale developments around the area. During my
thirties I was an avid member of the National Trust for Historic
Preservation; my fun reading was made up of publications such
as "Early American Life" and "Preservation." I've lived in an old
house, built at the turn of the last century, and in an historic
house of a modern sort – built in the `40's with design elements
which were decades ahead of their time. For several years I had a
recreational decorating and design business. I helped restore a
Victorian, once facing condemnation, to near museum quality
standards. I've painted concrete floors to look like marble, designed
my kitchen from the walls out, and made strategic suggestions for the
structural elements of our current state of remodel. I love houses.
And in fact, when I travel to other parts of the country I am far
more likely to photograph the residential architecture than I am to
record the family on vacation. (Much to the chagrin of my children in
later years..)

So, what does this have to do with marriage? Well, I live in the
upper Midwest where Mother Nature mesmerizes us with thunderstorms,
floods, and tornadoes this time of year. Not long ago I watched a
newscast about a house that was damaged when a tree came through the
roof of a house in one of our many storms. (The man sleeping just
under the spot where the tree entered the house was unharmed but
definitely shaken!) It got me thinking about the correlation between
marriage and houses.

A marriage is much like a house. When it's new, everything is well
kept. It's clean. The roof is good, the plumbing works well, the
floors are level and unscathed. But inevitably, over time, things
begin to break down. If one owns an older or historic home there are
always things which clamor for attention – similar to a marriage
that's been neglected or damaged by thoughtless choices, independent
living and outright harmful actions. A marriage in trouble is much
like a house needing significant repair.

It could be that the plumbing needs to updated, the wiring changed
from old glass fuses to code compliant breakers, the walls may be
cracked and the floors might need to be shorn up to make them level
again. A marriage may have issues and conflicts surrounding in-laws,
money, sex, child rearing, hobbies, or even pets. Like a house that
needs significant work, those things need to be addressed in small
steps, with thoughtful planning and oodles of frustrating starts and
stops.

But what happens when a storm sends a tree crashing through the roof?
No matter what the state of the home prior to that event, all work
needs to stop and energies must be redirected toward emergency
repair. The tree needs to be carefully removed, the roof repaired and
any other structural damage investigated and repaired before work can
resume on the pre-existing conditions.

This is exactly the same dynamic that occurs in marriage when there
is infidelity. The marriage may need serious repair work in and of
itself. But once an affair sends a tree crashing through the
sheltering structure of the relationship all efforts directed at the
underlying problems take a back seat to the emergency measures
brought about by the affair itself. There's no point in attempting to
fix the cracked walls and outdated electricity in the marriage when
there is a tree protruding into the bedroom and the inner structure
is exposed to the elements.

The affair partner must be completely and permanently removed from
the relationship in the same way the tree must be removed from the
roof. It's a horribly difficult and painful process. Often the affair
partner has been a long time friend of one or both spouses. The loss
of the friendship and the betrayal that is felt is heart wrenching,
no matter what leg of the triangle one is on. But a friendship that
has intruded into the intimate structure of a marriage can no longer
be considered a friendship. Boundaries have been breached, and there
is no way to return to a state of innocence. None of the needed
repair work to the marriage can begin until this step is complete.
Intermittently ending and resuming contact with an affair partner
creates the same kind of damage as picking the tree up off the roof
and dropping it back on again – it creates larger holes and more
damage.

Once the affair partner is no longer in the picture, the hard work of
repair can begin. First and foremost the gaping holes left by the
affair must be mended. Depending on the length of the affair and how
far into the emotional bonding of the marriage the affair partner was
allowed to intrude, repair work could be replacement of the entire
roof or simply a minimal patch job. The longer the affair, with the
marriage being exposed to the damage of wind and rain, the more
repair will be needed. The holes left by infidelity are things such
as damaged trust, resentment, the inevitable withdrawal felt by the
straying spouse when the affair ends, and stress on the underlying
structure of the marriage.

Marriages rarely end in divorce due to the affair itself. But failure
to repair the damage from the affair will almost without fail lead to
complete destruction of the marriage. Marriages end because there
the gaping holes remaining which continue to expose the relationship
to more harm. Some couples can do the repair work themselves. These
are the calmly methodical sorts who can read about the necessary
measures and implement them in without becoming bogged down in the
emotional tug of war recovery always entails. For most couples, as
with homeowners, hiring a professional is indispensable in making
sure the repairs are done well and in a timely manner.

As the holes are patched, the shingles replaced, and the structure
found to be intact attention can once again be turned to the problems
which existed before the tree made its untimely entrance into the
lives of the homeowners. Those issues and conflicts may have become
larger or more serious because of the damaged caused either directly
or indirectly by the crisis of the storm – that's the nature of
destructive events; they have far reaching consequences. Time,
patience, persistence, and good professional help can make all the
difference in repairing a storm damaged home or healing a marriage
torn apart by an affair.

Wishing you clear skies…
Penny

Musing on Marriage(tm) R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Respect, gratitude, admiration, appreciation…. We all need it in some
form or another, and in intimate relationships the craving to be seen
as someone special can make or break the relationship. Shirley Glass,
the late expert and researcher on infidelity, talked about the
powerful attraction of seeing oneself reflected in the eyes of
another in a way that showed that self as attractive, desirable,
adored human beings.

I love movies in general and particularly as a way to see human
dynamics at work. I've been known to suggest viewing films as diverse
as "Winnie the Pooh" and "Miracle" in order to highlight something
we've talked about in a coaching session. Recently I've been
suggesting love stories where the chemistry is good and asking that
special attention be given to the way people look at one another when
attraction is in the air.

There are lots of things that we talk about as needs in marriage.
Conversation, sex, engagement in the marriage, commitment, money,
help with the home, parenting. All of these are things that we choose
to give to our partner of our own free will. Certainly a partner who
is meeting needs for us as well and who is avoiding hurting us in the
process is likely to make us more motivated to meet those needs, but
we can (if we choose) meet those needs regardless of how our mate is
acting.

The same cannot be said of honor or esteem – the acting out of
respect. Meeting that need requires that our mate be or do something
to earn our estimation. It's a concept we understand well in business
and even in other personal relationships. If we want someone to think
(and act as if ) we're pretty cool, then our actions need to be
congruent with the respect we desire.

For example, most of us would not expect glowing reviews and daily
pats on the back from our boss if we spent the greater part of each
day surfing the net, playing solitaire, or chatting up our coworkers
at the water cooler. We don't expect teachers to hand out A's and B's
to students who consistently lose their homework to the "dog," blow
off tests, or sleep through class. We don't vote for public officials
whose record of achievements is spotty or who have betrayed the
public trust with unethical acts. Nor do we opt for the second date
with someone who shows up late, dresses like they're ready to do
garden work, behaves rudely, and ignores for the greater part of our
time together. We don't admire people whose actions and behaviors do
not engender our respect.

Somehow that understanding of what it takes to be admired disappears
when romance enters the picture. If it the outcome wasn't so
important I would be tempted to laugh out loud and the sheer
disbelief at some of the things I hear. Husbands and wives who bend
over backwards to excel at parenting, their career, or other aspects
of their lives seem to believe that marriage requires little or no
effort on their part. And, that their spouse should show them
appreciation, admiration, and esteem simply because they're there.

Respect, the pre-requisite for honor and esteem – for that look of
delight in the eyes of a partner – must be earned. These are a few
actions guaranteed to make sure that doesn't happen:

• Coming home from work and plopping in front of the tv while
your mate takes care of the cooking and the homework
• Knowing the intricacies of setting your vcr or cable
recording device but claiming to be incapable of running the
dishwasher
• Refusing to have sex for months on end until everything in
the marriage is "just right" (it can't be "just right" without sex)
• Lack of attention to personal grooming, health and fitness
• Irritating habits - anything from smoking to knuckle
cracking to poor table manners and spending habits
• Breaking promises and commitments
• Anger, control, abuse
• Putting the job, the in-laws, the car, the yard work, the
kids' activities ahead of the marriage and your spouse

The list is, of course, endless and unique to every couple. But the
concept is the same. If you crave the admiration of your mate, if you
need to see yourself reflected in his or her eyes as someone special
and wonderful, then YOU need to act the part in order for that to
happen. In order to be respected and admired, one must first be
respectable and admirable.

All the best,
Penny