Musing on Marriage(tm) Marital Cancer

Last year, just about this time as the air was cooling and the trees
were turning from summer green to a duskier color in anticipation of
Autumn's paintbrush, I was diagnosed with the one of the rarest forms
of cancer known to humanity.

For most people, just the word itself is enough to send tremors of
fear crashing through every cell in their body. The world as you know
it comes to an end while you face this intruder and strategize ways
to neutralize its potential to cause harm or even loss of life. No
one would think to suggest that cancer is a benign condition that can
just be tolerated without risk.

What I want to tell you today is that there is an incredibly virulent
form of disease at work in your marriage. One that is every bit as
threatening to the life of your marriage as cancer is to the life
your body. The name of that disease is conflict avoidance.

Conflict avoidance, however, is a myth. The only way to avoid
conflict is to die – otherwise we simply postpone it. And then, it
tends to come back and bite us in the, well…… you get the picture.
When that happens, small issues that might have been worked out with
a little effort and creativity become much larger issues with added
resentment and irritation built into the mix.

Most of us don't really like conflict. It's a natural instinct to
want to avoid having to face it. Most of us don't really like being
ill either, but both sickness and conflict are parts of the human
existence – and as such – need to be addressed. Preserving our
physical health or our marital health means there are things we need
to just do, even when they're a bit unpleasant or even downright
frightening.

Let's take a relatively emotionally neutral subject and look at what
happens when the issue is avoided. Let's say Sally is married to
Manuel. Sally likes to spend at least an hour a day playing euchre on
the computer with a bunch of other women. Manuel's not all that
thrilled with it, but he doesn't want to rock the boat and raise the
issue with his wife.

Some of the excuses I hear for conflict postponement and that Manuel
give are:

"I don't want to hurt his/her feelings."
This is admirable. We should all strive not to hurt feelings. But
that's not really what's behind this excuse. What we're really saying
is , I don't want to face the possible unpleasantness and backlash
that might result in letting my spouse know I'm unhappy. Or, I don't
want to face my own feelings of distress that arise when I talk about
my desires that conflict with my spouse's. That's not kindness, it's
fear.

Manuel keeps silent because he fears his wife will cry and rant at
him and that their weekend will be ruined. It's a great strategy –
for her – she gets what she wants and he suffers silently. The
problems is as his irritation builds he'll begin to snipe at her,
making pointed little comments that will indeed hurt her feelings and
lead not to resolution but to more fighting and more disconnect in
their marriage.

"She has a right to have fun with her friends."
Perhaps. Depends on the friends and the sorts of fun she's having.
The problem is that when one spouse is having a great time and is
offending or irritating the other one in the process the marriage
takes a hit.

Sally does have a right to have friends. But unless there is an
understanding that friendships must complement the marriage rather
than detract from it, where is the line? At what point do friendships
decrease the quality of life by intruding into the most essential
relationships of marriage and family? Sally has a right to have
friends as long as her friends and her activities with them don't
offend or hurt her spouse or her marriage.

Avoiding this issue out of some misguided loyalty to a cultural
construct which does not protect marriages is a dangerous strategy.

"She's going to be really upset with me."
She might. And children are really upset when we deny them the latest
gadget or treat at the checkout. We all understand the need as
parents to set boundaries in the face of a child's upset, the same is
true of marriage. The difference is that as adults relating to each
other in an intimate relationship we need to work as a cooperative
team rather than as an authoritarian figure and a child.

Team work requires complete information. No one in their right mind
would think a task force at work could do its job effectively if one
or more members withheld vital information about the status of the
project. Doing so out of fear of one member of the team being upset
sabotages the efforts of the team as a whole and guarantees greater
upset all around. Conflict postponement.


There are things Manuel can and should do to minimize Sally's upset.
Going at her with guns blazing is not going to helpful. He needs to
remain calm and courteous and approach his wife with an attitude of
cooperation. Saying, "Your priorities are out line, can't you see
that the house and the marriage are suffering while you have a merry
little time playing stupid games," is NOT going to be helpful. It's
going to start a fight.

But, saying, "Gee honey, I know you enjoy your time with your
friends, but I'm lonely and missing you – what can we do to work this
out better?" is going to open a discussion about the time on the
computer, both their needs, and if they work together lead them
towards a solution which eliminates resentment.

"I've already told her how much this bothers me and she doesn't
care." Well, first, we don't know if she cares or not, unless she has
specifically said so – and even then we only have her word for it.
Additionally, feelings change over time and hers may have as well.

Even so, Manuel may be right and he may have repeatedly shared with
Sally his irritation about the game playing. In that case he needs to
reevaluate how he is sharing that information. The first concern is
whether or not he's being honest about his feelings and needs or
whether he's being rude and demanding. If he's expressing his
feelings honestly in a way that is courteous and calm then it may be
that he needs to do a better job of asking for input into change or
for change itself.

"Sally, I'm unhappy about the time playing games on the computer," is
a great start. Honest, calm, courteous. But it doesn't ask for
action. The next step is asking for input, "It's causing some
friction between us and I'm wondering what we can do to find a
solution."

If Manuel does all of that repeatedly over a period of weeks and
months – without losing his temper and without being disrespectful
towards Sally in the process – and there is still no change then he
has valuable information about Sally's willingness to protect the
marriage from her own self-interested actions. Depending on the
severity of the offense (obviously cocaine use is more problematic
than bridge with friends) he will need to decide what actions to take
at that point.

But, if he hides his head in the sand and never addresses the issue
of the computer games he will find himself becoming more and more
irritated with his wife. He is lying to her about himself and he
becomes the threat to the health of the marriage by not allowing her
the opportunity to make changes in her actions in order to keep the
relationship strong and on track.

Conflict postponement is one of the greatest threats to marital
health. Some consider it to be the greatest factor predicting
divorce. If you are concerned about being good to your spouse and
your marriage then you will put away a desire to `be nice' and
concentrate instead on being honesty and courteous.

Conflicted yours,
Penny

Musing on Marriage(tm) Lose the Guilt!

It's interesting to me that we have little compunction about
expecting our spouse to do things for us or in the manner that we
prefer, regardless of how they feel about it, and yet we get queasy
at the idea of vetoing an idea that we don't particularly care for
because it might make our mate feel bad. On the one side of the
equation we don't care if they feel bad as long as we get what we
want and on the flip side we tremble at the possibility that they
might feel the tiniest resentment at the possibility of not having
things their way.

The see saw effect. The I-win/you-lose, you-win/I-lose swinging back
and forth with each partner keeping score and both certain they are
getting the short end of the stick.
We all recall with ease the times we gave in and did something or
went along with something that was in some way objectionable. We have
a much harder time calling to mind the times when our mate did the
same. In fact, we're probably likely to say that he or she always
gets their way and we are always the one to give in.

If marriage was nothing more than a profit and loss statement, this
method might work. We could chart out our days on a spreadsheet and
keep an accurate record of who got what when. But it's not. Life is
not an accounting program and love doesn't fit neatly into a
spreadsheet. It is complicated by the fact that we feel. And how we
feel about our spouse is directly related to his or her behavior. So
that means, if we give in and agree to things which are
objectionable or offensive to us in one way or another, eventually we
won't like our partner all that much at all.

And if we don't like him or her, we're probably going to get to the
point where we really don't care how he or she feels. And when we get
to that point we're going to do all kinds of things that make him or
her feel bad. The only effective way to guard against that happening
is to speak up and not give in on the things we don't care for. In
other words, lose the guilt.

Much of what we need to do if our marriages are to be successful is
counter intuitive. Our emotions beg us to do anything to make our
spouse feel good. Until the resentment hits. And then our instincts
urge us to lash out and either demand a quid pro quo sacrifice or to
withdraw. None of that is conducive to crafting a harmonious and
joyful relationship. We do that by Living in the Center.

The Center is that place between instinct and emotion. The place
where we explore what our partner wants and needs, compare that to
our own feelings and desires and then work to find a solution that
takes both those things into account. To do this well, we need to be
aware of the guilt we're likely to experience the first several times
we need to deny a request, and to recognize that it is in our
spouse's best interest to protect the feelings we have for him or her
by not acquiescing to their every desire.

In the end, it's not a whole lot different than the hard choices we
need to make as parents. We are often faced with vetoing a request
from our children. The only real difference is that our spouse is not
a child but an equal partner in the marriage. That being the case we
need to make an important distinction. When we tell our spouse that
something doesn't work for us and that we wouldn't be all that happy
with a particular choice, we are not denying permission. As adults we
have the right to choose to do whatever we like. Instead we are
simply being honest about how we would feel and asking that those
feelings be taken into account when decisions are made.

If there is any guilt to be felt in this equation, it would seem to
me to belong with the partner who knowingly ignores the other's
feelings or who isn't honest about how they feel in the first place.

All the best,

Penny

Musing on Marriage(tm) If it Feels Right ... It's Probably Not

In my coaching practice I specialize in helping couples in all stages
of infidelity.
From discovery where the faithful spouse is devastated and usually
working alone with me through recovery where both spouses and I craft
a strategy to pick up the pieces left in the wake of the affair. For
as long as I've been doing this I've insisted that saving a marriage
rocked by infidelity requires that both partners do things which are
counter intuitive.

Over the last couple of years as I've added more and more non
infidelity cases to my list of clients I've come to the conclusion
that this is true of all marriages. Crafting and maintaining a happy
and fulfilling marriage requires that we check our instincts and
intuition at the door and create patterns which go against the grain.

If like me, you grew up in the seventies and eighties… a product of
the "Feel Good," and "Me," generation much less the nineties where
new age thought and getting in touch with oneself really blossomed,
the whole idea of not acting on our instincts and emotions can seem
like downright blasphemy. For the most part couples nowadays are a
product of a philosophy that puts how we feel above any other
information. If it feels right then we must do it, and if it's
awkward or uncomfortable then it must be wrong.

Unfortunately if we adopt that attitude in marriage we'll find
ourselves in a mess pretty quickly. In romantic relationships our
instincts and emotions will take us on a wild see saw ride in short
order. Instead of speaking honestly about how we feel and what we'd
like we'll pretend that everything is fine, because we don't want to
cause conflict. Or if we are to the breaking point by too much
pretending (or not enough sleep) we'll tell our spouse exactly what
they need to do and what we think of them if they don't…. neither of
which is being honest, it's simply being rude.

And heaven help our spouse if they choose to be honest and we are on
the instinct and emotion path. He or she will most likely be in for a
heft blast of defensiveness topped with enough irritable intimidation
to make them back off. None of us wants to hear that everything we do
isn't perfect; our first instinct is to defend against the idea of
change with whatever weapon is handy.

The idea of setting aside those emotions, speaking honestly and
negotiating to a solution that is good for both parties is so counter
intuitive that virtually no one does it without a serious learning
curve. Wherever you are on that learning curve, just becoming aware
of the patterns or making real progress toward change pat yourself on
the back for getting there. Marriage, like life, is a journey. This
moment offers you the option of making the best possible non
intuitive choice for creating the marriage of your dreams. If it
feels wrong, it may very well be the right thing to do.

All the best!
Penny

Musing on Marriage(tm) Monday, Monday

Monday morning. Another back to work, back to school, back to the
same routine week. Or not. You have the power and the opportunity to
make this day different. To change the course of the week and in so
doing your life and your marriage. Beginning today.

What would it take for you to be happier, more content in your
marriage? Something you would like more of from your spouse? Maybe
something less? Something you want changed. Whatever it is the
process of getting from here to there is pretty much the same and it
begins with that internal shift we talked about last week.

No matter how much in love you are, your partner cannot read your
mind. So the first part of effecting positive change in your
marriage is (surprise!) honesty. Letting him or her know what it is
making you unhappy and asking for the specific change you desire.

"But I have been honest!" you insist. Perhaps. But let's look at
what honesty in marriage is all about. Nowhere in our society is
real honesty modeled or taught. Ohhhh…. We here rude opinions and
judgmental proclamations masquerading as honesty. Saying, "That's
not very nice," or "Get off the coach and help me," or "I can't
believe you said/did/think that." is not honesty. Expressing your
opinion about your partner's shortcomings is not honesty. It might
be a truthful reflection of your opinion, but it's not a factual
statement about anything other than the internal musings of your
brain.

Honesty is only about you. And although you can be honest about your
thoughts and opinions, they are still subjective states of mind. The
only truth you can utter without question or argument is how you
feel. To express how you feel in reaction to an event is honesty. "I
feel when ," is
an honest statement. It is all about you and your emotional reaction
to life around you.

This kind of honesty is the primary building block of creating the
marriage you desire. And once again this is about changing your
interaction in the marriage. It's not about changing your spouse.

Making honesty a habit takes awareness. It's one of those changes in
behavior that leads to the internal shift. For today, be aware.
Listen to the world around you….. do you hear honesty? Or do you
hear opinions, judgments and demands? Challenge yourself to speak
three honest statements to your spouse, "Honey, I feel when