Musing on Marriage(tm) (Good) Advice in a Country Song

He said: "Just think it over, and write me a list,
"So we can figure out what we both deserve."
She hardly could believe it, that their love had come to this:
Dividing an' deciding his and hers.
But she grabbed a paper napkin, an' asked the waitress for a pen.
An' one by one, she wrote down what she wanted most from him.

"Honesty, sincerity, tenderness and trust.
"A little less time for the rest of the world,
"And more for the two of us.
"Kisses each mornin', 'I love you's' at night,
"Just like it used to be.
"The way life was when you were in love with me."

Honesty, by Rodney Atkins, ©2003


Ok, my little country music loving skeleton is out of the closet and
exposed in all its glory. But I heard this on the radio again this
morning as I was folding laundry, and really, how could I resist??
Last night was, after all, the Country Music Awards.

The number one thing I preach at my coaching clients day in and day
out is the need for honesty. Honesty is the only tool we have for
opening the door to change in our marriages. But this song speaks to
more than just that. Honesty is only the first step. If men and
women are going to find happiness and fulfillment in their marriages
then there are certain things that must happen.

You must be honest with each other. You must spend time alone
together doing things they both enjoy and connecting with each other.
You must connect on an intimate level and meet each other's emotional
needs. And what are those needs? Intimate affection, the kind that
lovers share. Connected conversation, the kind that says I enjoy
hearing what goes on in your mind. Time spent doing enjoyable things
together.

When we are dating and falling in love those things seem to come so
naturally, so easily. But when our marriages are in trouble those
seem to be the last things we want to do. We want our feelings to
change first and then we'll be willing to change how we behave. The
question then becomes something along the lines of the chicken and
the egg conundrum. Which comes first?

It seems impossible to spend time with and meet the needs of someone
whom we really don't like all that much. It seems false and awkward
and just plain wrong. We feel like a phony. And, if our marriage has
slipped that far, our spouse probably thinks we are a phony as well.
But if we don't spend time together and we don't meet each other's
needs the chasm between us seems to yawn ever wider and our hope of
bridging it erodes with each passing day.

Often I find myself wanting to get out the megaphone (too many cop
shows during my formative years) and shout – "Put down your weapons.
Back away from the sarcasm and the verbal jabs." Sometimes I spend
weeks or months just trying to negotiate a truce and restore some
level of calm. But once that is done there are still two people who
stand on the opposite sides of the canyon without any idea of how to
restore feelings of love. Most don't believe it can happen.

So what comes first the feelings or the behavior, the chicken or the
egg? We seem to think that if we can change our attitudes and our
feelings that our behavior will follow. I disagree, I believe we need
to actively change what we are doing and how we are interacting and
that given time our feelings and attitudes will catch up. My
experience has shown that if husbands and wives put down their
weapons call a truce and then begin to do the things that look like
they are a loving caring couple that love and care will eventually
grow.

Sure it feels awkward at first. So did walking and talking. So did
the first day on a new job or the first week away at college. So does
a first date. Practice makes permanent. Couples who commit to the
time and the changes needed to restore their marriage will be
rewarded time and time again. And it will feel:

"Just like it used to be.
"The way life was when you were in love with me."

Penny

Musing on Marriage(tm) Monday, Monday

Monday morning. Another back to work, back to school, back to the
same routine week. Or not. You have the power and the opportunity to
make this day different. To change the course of the week and in so
doing your life and your marriage. Beginning today.

What would it take for you to be happier, more content in your
marriage? Something you would like more of from your spouse? Maybe
something less? Something you want changed. Whatever it is the
process of getting from here to there is pretty much the same and it
begins with that internal shift we talked about last week.

No matter how much in love you are, your partner cannot read your
mind. So the first part of effecting positive change in your
marriage is (surprise!) honesty. Letting him or her know what it is
making you unhappy and asking for the specific change you desire.

"But I have been honest!" you insist. Perhaps. But let's look at
what honesty in marriage is all about. Nowhere in our society is
real honesty modeled or taught. Ohhhh…. We here rude opinions and
judgmental proclamations masquerading as honesty. Saying, "That's
not very nice," or "Get off the coach and help me," or "I can't
believe you said/did/think that." is not honesty. Expressing your
opinion about your partner's shortcomings is not honesty. It might
be a truthful reflection of your opinion, but it's not a factual
statement about anything other than the internal musings of your
brain.

Honesty is only about you. And although you can be honest about your
thoughts and opinions, they are still subjective states of mind. The
only truth you can utter without question or argument is how you
feel. To express how you feel in reaction to an event is honesty. "I
feel when ," is
an honest statement. It is all about you and your emotional reaction
to life around you.

This kind of honesty is the primary building block of creating the
marriage you desire. And once again this is about changing your
interaction in the marriage. It's not about changing your spouse.

Making honesty a habit takes awareness. It's one of those changes in
behavior that leads to the internal shift. For today, be aware.
Listen to the world around you….. do you hear honesty? Or do you
hear opinions, judgments and demands? Challenge yourself to speak
three honest statements to your spouse, "Honey, I feel when