Musing on Marriage(tm) (Good) Advice in a Country Song

He said: "Just think it over, and write me a list,
"So we can figure out what we both deserve."
She hardly could believe it, that their love had come to this:
Dividing an' deciding his and hers.
But she grabbed a paper napkin, an' asked the waitress for a pen.
An' one by one, she wrote down what she wanted most from him.

"Honesty, sincerity, tenderness and trust.
"A little less time for the rest of the world,
"And more for the two of us.
"Kisses each mornin', 'I love you's' at night,
"Just like it used to be.
"The way life was when you were in love with me."

Honesty, by Rodney Atkins, ©2003


Ok, my little country music loving skeleton is out of the closet and
exposed in all its glory. But I heard this on the radio again this
morning as I was folding laundry, and really, how could I resist??
Last night was, after all, the Country Music Awards.

The number one thing I preach at my coaching clients day in and day
out is the need for honesty. Honesty is the only tool we have for
opening the door to change in our marriages. But this song speaks to
more than just that. Honesty is only the first step. If men and
women are going to find happiness and fulfillment in their marriages
then there are certain things that must happen.

You must be honest with each other. You must spend time alone
together doing things they both enjoy and connecting with each other.
You must connect on an intimate level and meet each other's emotional
needs. And what are those needs? Intimate affection, the kind that
lovers share. Connected conversation, the kind that says I enjoy
hearing what goes on in your mind. Time spent doing enjoyable things
together.

When we are dating and falling in love those things seem to come so
naturally, so easily. But when our marriages are in trouble those
seem to be the last things we want to do. We want our feelings to
change first and then we'll be willing to change how we behave. The
question then becomes something along the lines of the chicken and
the egg conundrum. Which comes first?

It seems impossible to spend time with and meet the needs of someone
whom we really don't like all that much. It seems false and awkward
and just plain wrong. We feel like a phony. And, if our marriage has
slipped that far, our spouse probably thinks we are a phony as well.
But if we don't spend time together and we don't meet each other's
needs the chasm between us seems to yawn ever wider and our hope of
bridging it erodes with each passing day.

Often I find myself wanting to get out the megaphone (too many cop
shows during my formative years) and shout – "Put down your weapons.
Back away from the sarcasm and the verbal jabs." Sometimes I spend
weeks or months just trying to negotiate a truce and restore some
level of calm. But once that is done there are still two people who
stand on the opposite sides of the canyon without any idea of how to
restore feelings of love. Most don't believe it can happen.

So what comes first the feelings or the behavior, the chicken or the
egg? We seem to think that if we can change our attitudes and our
feelings that our behavior will follow. I disagree, I believe we need
to actively change what we are doing and how we are interacting and
that given time our feelings and attitudes will catch up. My
experience has shown that if husbands and wives put down their
weapons call a truce and then begin to do the things that look like
they are a loving caring couple that love and care will eventually
grow.

Sure it feels awkward at first. So did walking and talking. So did
the first day on a new job or the first week away at college. So does
a first date. Practice makes permanent. Couples who commit to the
time and the changes needed to restore their marriage will be
rewarded time and time again. And it will feel:

"Just like it used to be.
"The way life was when you were in love with me."

Penny

Musing on Marriage(tm) If it Feels Right ... It's Probably Not

In my coaching practice I specialize in helping couples in all stages
of infidelity.
From discovery where the faithful spouse is devastated and usually
working alone with me through recovery where both spouses and I craft
a strategy to pick up the pieces left in the wake of the affair. For
as long as I've been doing this I've insisted that saving a marriage
rocked by infidelity requires that both partners do things which are
counter intuitive.

Over the last couple of years as I've added more and more non
infidelity cases to my list of clients I've come to the conclusion
that this is true of all marriages. Crafting and maintaining a happy
and fulfilling marriage requires that we check our instincts and
intuition at the door and create patterns which go against the grain.

If like me, you grew up in the seventies and eighties… a product of
the "Feel Good," and "Me," generation much less the nineties where
new age thought and getting in touch with oneself really blossomed,
the whole idea of not acting on our instincts and emotions can seem
like downright blasphemy. For the most part couples nowadays are a
product of a philosophy that puts how we feel above any other
information. If it feels right then we must do it, and if it's
awkward or uncomfortable then it must be wrong.

Unfortunately if we adopt that attitude in marriage we'll find
ourselves in a mess pretty quickly. In romantic relationships our
instincts and emotions will take us on a wild see saw ride in short
order. Instead of speaking honestly about how we feel and what we'd
like we'll pretend that everything is fine, because we don't want to
cause conflict. Or if we are to the breaking point by too much
pretending (or not enough sleep) we'll tell our spouse exactly what
they need to do and what we think of them if they don't…. neither of
which is being honest, it's simply being rude.

And heaven help our spouse if they choose to be honest and we are on
the instinct and emotion path. He or she will most likely be in for a
heft blast of defensiveness topped with enough irritable intimidation
to make them back off. None of us wants to hear that everything we do
isn't perfect; our first instinct is to defend against the idea of
change with whatever weapon is handy.

The idea of setting aside those emotions, speaking honestly and
negotiating to a solution that is good for both parties is so counter
intuitive that virtually no one does it without a serious learning
curve. Wherever you are on that learning curve, just becoming aware
of the patterns or making real progress toward change pat yourself on
the back for getting there. Marriage, like life, is a journey. This
moment offers you the option of making the best possible non
intuitive choice for creating the marriage of your dreams. If it
feels wrong, it may very well be the right thing to do.

All the best!
Penny