Musing on Marriage(tm) If it Feels Right ... It's Probably Not

In my coaching practice I specialize in helping couples in all stages
of infidelity.
From discovery where the faithful spouse is devastated and usually
working alone with me through recovery where both spouses and I craft
a strategy to pick up the pieces left in the wake of the affair. For
as long as I've been doing this I've insisted that saving a marriage
rocked by infidelity requires that both partners do things which are
counter intuitive.

Over the last couple of years as I've added more and more non
infidelity cases to my list of clients I've come to the conclusion
that this is true of all marriages. Crafting and maintaining a happy
and fulfilling marriage requires that we check our instincts and
intuition at the door and create patterns which go against the grain.

If like me, you grew up in the seventies and eighties… a product of
the "Feel Good," and "Me," generation much less the nineties where
new age thought and getting in touch with oneself really blossomed,
the whole idea of not acting on our instincts and emotions can seem
like downright blasphemy. For the most part couples nowadays are a
product of a philosophy that puts how we feel above any other
information. If it feels right then we must do it, and if it's
awkward or uncomfortable then it must be wrong.

Unfortunately if we adopt that attitude in marriage we'll find
ourselves in a mess pretty quickly. In romantic relationships our
instincts and emotions will take us on a wild see saw ride in short
order. Instead of speaking honestly about how we feel and what we'd
like we'll pretend that everything is fine, because we don't want to
cause conflict. Or if we are to the breaking point by too much
pretending (or not enough sleep) we'll tell our spouse exactly what
they need to do and what we think of them if they don't…. neither of
which is being honest, it's simply being rude.

And heaven help our spouse if they choose to be honest and we are on
the instinct and emotion path. He or she will most likely be in for a
heft blast of defensiveness topped with enough irritable intimidation
to make them back off. None of us wants to hear that everything we do
isn't perfect; our first instinct is to defend against the idea of
change with whatever weapon is handy.

The idea of setting aside those emotions, speaking honestly and
negotiating to a solution that is good for both parties is so counter
intuitive that virtually no one does it without a serious learning
curve. Wherever you are on that learning curve, just becoming aware
of the patterns or making real progress toward change pat yourself on
the back for getting there. Marriage, like life, is a journey. This
moment offers you the option of making the best possible non
intuitive choice for creating the marriage of your dreams. If it
feels wrong, it may very well be the right thing to do.

All the best!
Penny

Musing on Marriage(tm) Negotiation

Negotiation. I love negotiation. Always have. Even as a child I would
wheel and deal and wheedle to see what it would take to get what I
wanted. Generally this was something along the lines of a ride to a
friend's or an overnight stay with Grandma but the process was always
the same. What would you (almost always my mom) need in order for
this to happen?

From the time I was ten my mom was a single parent working more than
full time to support three kids. As a teenager growing up in a home
with little financial resources I figured out pretty quickly there
was no free ride. If I wanted something that took time or money I
needed to figure out how to make it happen, and I needed to get Mom
on board with my plan. There was an awful lot of swapping cleaning
chores for permission to spend the weekend with a girlfriend, and
bigger teenage necessities (such as the every teenager's lifeline,
the stereo – with 8 track, cassette and turntable!) meant I had to
get a job. I babysat for neighbors from the time I was 12, worked at
DQ the day I turned 15, and had a full time retail job at 161/2. To
this day I can clean a bathroom from top to bottom in twelve minutes
flat and I'm willing to work as hard as I have to if the reward is
something I really want. But I drew the line at things which were
objectionable to me. There was no way I would have agreed to clean my
brothers' rooms and I refused to eat food that looked like glob.
(Every mother's number one negotiating plea… "Eat this and you can do
"

And that is the crux of the negotiation. Is the reward worth the
effort? Are you offering your partner something that is really
attractive to them? Are you getting something that warms your heart
and makes you smile? And is the trade off something that is not
offensive, objectionable or painful for either party? Are you both
happy with the outcome? My mom got her house cleaned and I got to
spend the weekend with my best friend giggling and talking about boys
and make up.

Before I hung out my Coaching shingle, I worked at a small
corporation in the Twin Cities. I was hired to design, set up and
implement the Customer Service department. Part of those duties meant
I needed to deal with former disgruntled customers who owed us lots
of money. One in particular had a nasty beef with our company. It
seems that they had received some inferior goods and that in the
transition of growth no one at our company had handled their
complaints. Product sat on their dock unusable, and they owed money
to my company, and no one was budging. By the time I was hired
(almost a year into the mess) threats of lawsuits were flying fast
and furious. Then it got dumped on my desk, with the statement
to, "Clean this up."

My boss insisted that we needed to get payment and if they threatened
to sue we would simply threaten more. Well, I thought I'd do a little
investigating first before getting attorneys involved and before bad
press about our company spread through the industry. So I called the
loudest angriest voice making the threats for our former customer.

And I listened. What happened? And then what? Where is the product
now?
Then I validated. Yes that is terrible. I can see why you would be
upset. I wouldn't be happy if I had to deal with this either. I'm
sorry no one's handled this before.
Then I asked. If I could fix this, what would it take? Is there a way
you would be willing to make payments on your balance owing for goods
you have accepted and used? What would have to happen with the
product in question? Who else do we need to get involved?

That led to a meeting with my boss and our CEO. I told them that I
could get back payment for goods received, but that we would need to
do something with the product they were declining. And that argument
over whether or not that particular batch was good was in no one's
best interest, it hadn't worked in a year, and that eating a little
of the balance was better than taking an entire loss and going to
court on top of it.

Then I went to our customer's CEO and the manager I'd spoken with
earlier. Here's what we're willing to do. Here's what we'd like. Is
there any way that can work for you?

In the end, they paid every cent of the balance on product they'd
accepted. We credited them for the rejected product, and they handled
the disposal (a large expense in itself). But that's not the end of
the story. In the weeks that followed as I continued to talk with the
first manager, the most angry and threatening of the contacts I'd
made, I convinced him to give our company another chance. (Remember,
this is after a year of threats of legal action.)

Within months they were agreeing to use us for testing new product
releases. They set out very strict quality and time requirements
placing us on probation. (Implementing the question – what would it
take?) We passed with flying colors. And the company that everyone
wrote off as lost became our biggest customer. To the tune of over a
million in sales for the first half of the year.

This is all about negotiation. And it doesn't matter if it's at home
or in the workplace, the elements are the same. What is the issue?
How does the other person feel about it? What do they need to make it
work? What are you willing to do that will work for you as well? Is
there some way to bridge any remaining gaps? Listen, validate,
offer, and look for solutions that take your needs AND the other
party's into account.

A million in sales is nothing compared to having a happy and
fulfilling marriage. What are you doing to make that a reality?

All the best!

Penny