Musing On Marriage (tm) For Better or Worse

Several years ago, I wrote an article titled “So Did You Mean It When You Said,” asking if you were serious when you vowed, “For better or for worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and health,” and so forth. It remains, to this day, one of my favorite Musings on Marriage (tm).

The wedding vows, those words which create the foundation of our marriage, are so beautiful and heartfelt when we’re in love with a shared vision of an endless future together, but they seem to mock us with awful cruelty when things go terribly wrong. And, sadly, things go terribly wrong far too often.

The thing about vows and promises, covenants and pledges is that we make them for the hard times. No one needs to promise fidelity when there is no temptation. There’s no point. One promises fidelity for the day our head is turned, our heart misses a beat, and our interest, in someone who is not our spouse, is piqued. This is the day we were talking about when we said “forsaking all others”. Our vow of fidelity is far less about walking down the aisle, away from our past, than it is about taking a deep breath and walking away from temptation, without looking back. I’d further suggest that it compels us to go straight home and have a heart to heart with our mate to let him or her know there was an incoming threat.

“But she’s going to be jealous and insecure!” you say. Yup, she might.
“He’s going to be angry and accusing.” Mm hmm, also a possibility.

But here’s the thing about vows: they are not about the other person.

The vows we take are about us and how we pledge to behave. We don’t say, “forsaking all others unless you start making eyes at the tennis coach.” We don’t agree to “love, honor, and respect as long as you are nice to me.” We promise to forsake all others and love, honor, and respect – period. Vows are not conditional.

And yet…

originally written and published for Marriage Advocates -  follow the link below to continue reading

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Musing on Marriage(tm) Betrayed Wives Club - Reality Check

So Barbara Walters had an affair. A kiss on the cheek from the Dalai
Lama and a ….. well …. you know …. from former US Senator Brooke. A
married man with two children. And then there's Eliot Spitzer,
Superhero for Morality, caught with his pants down in a brothel. Not
to mention Larry Craig whose "wide stance" got him a bit more than he
bargained for in his fifteen minutes of fame. And Oprah, Queen of the
Underdog, whose bulldog tenacity for saving everyone and everything
apparently did not kick in when she decided to dally with someone
else's hubby.

And we, the mundane of the world, are all aghast and adizzy at the
foibles of the rich and famous. Like the proverbial train wreck, we
can't look away as we hang on every little whisper waiting for the
next round of juicy details. How old (gasp!) was this overpaid
prostitute? Really? He was the first African American senator? How
many knocks did it take to entice the vice officer out of his stall?
We're like eight graders whispering and passing notes with heightened
intensity as we ignore the reality beneath the prurience.

Standing in the shadow, if we care to look, we can see them: The
Betrayed Wives Club. Or, The Wounded and Left for Dead Spouses Club.
Or, The Children of Cheaters Club.

We all know that sex sells. I get why the media focuses on the lusty
details of sexual betrayal (all the while shaking their heads and tsk
tsking for good show). But, really, when it comes right down to it,
glorifying infidelity as just another bit of celebrity chatter is as
offensive as reporting the details of a child murder using the format
of a slasher flick. It denies, completely, the dignity of the real
people whose lives will never be the same. The ones who live day in
and day out with the reality of having their choices stolen and their
lives shattered by betrayal from their inner circle.

Spitzer's wife, Silda, stood by him as he apologized to his
constituents in front of a packed crowd of microphones and flashbulbs.
The same microphones and flashbulbs that dashed off to vie for the
first interview with the "high class call girl". Where was the rush to
explore the agonizing pain of a wife betrayed? Where was the
discussion of the loss of innocence of his two teenage daughters? How
does one begin to piece the shattered remnants of a family back
together after this sort of loss? Does anyone really care? To the
hundreds of thousands of betrayed partners (and their children!)
around the country it doesn't look like it.

Imagine, if you can, the torment of standing in the checkout line at
your local grocery, unable to escape from the screaming headlines
heralding the birth of yet another celebrity "love child" (Shiloh,
anyone?) while your still-married-to-you hubby is expecting a bundle
of joy with some woman he met on the job and has shacked up with on
the other side of town. Or how about the panic-attack tunnel vision
nausea that comes with tuning into Letterman's lighthearted banter
about the Larry Craig fiasco (can you imagine the horror his wife must
be enduring?) or the double trouble family of New York's Vito Fossella.

Infidelity doesn't happen in a vacuum. It's not a victimless event.
People get hurt. More than hurt – they are traumatized in a way no one
should ever endure. Marriages are shattered. Children are ripped from
carefree lives. Real, live, breathing, human beings are brought to
their knees with the pain and grief of it all. Treating it as a joke,
or something to bandy about intellectually, is as immature and selfish
as the betrayal itself. As one woman put it so eloquently, "People who
have not experienced infidelity will not understand how watching
Barbara Walters casually talk about her affair, with no remorse, for
me is like watching someone recount raping someone as a once pleasant
memory."

C'mon America. Let's reclaim our integrity and our compassion. The
next time we hear another one of -those- news bites let's do a reality
check and remember the silent majority of pain behind the slick
sexiness of reporting for ratings.

Penny Tupy is a professional marriage coach and the founder of
Marriage Fidelity Day. She can be reached for coaching or interviews
at 651.775.8302. For more of her caustic humor on topics of great
import visit her on the web at swww.symcinc.com

Musing on Marriage(tm) On Being Judged

I got an email this week from a fellow marriage advocate and writer.
I'd initiated a conversation with the person to exchange information,
hoping to grow the village and benefit both our passions in this
business of saving marriages. Early in our conversation I mentioned
that I'd been the one to initiate and force a divorce in my first
marriage – something that haunts me daily when I see the effects on
my kids and on all the kids I see in situations where their families
are falling apart. And, something that I speak of very openly. It's
part of why people relate so well to me as a coach and writer.

As many of you know, this is why I'm so committed to this work. My
personal feeling is that if adults want to mess up their lives and
create a lot of pain and chaos for themselves they have every right
to do so. I feel sadness and compassion for them and will do whatever
I can to help, but as adults in a free society, they have the right
to make those kinds of choices. But once there are kids involved the
picture changes. If you read my Musing on staying together for the
kids you know that I feel very strongly about the obligation of
adults to protect and safeguard our children.

I failed at doing that. I admit it fully – have for years. And those
of you who know me well know how deeply having failed at that hurts
me. It's guilt and a sadness I know I'll never get over. It is the
one thing, the only thing that will make me cry with exactly the same
ease and swiftness as talking about the death of one of my children
many years ago. It haunts me in moments of lightheartedness and it
keeps me awake long into the night. The pain of a parent seeing the
suffering of a child, especially suffering the parent has caused, is
possibly the deepest pain we can endure.

The work that I do with couples whose marriages are not only on the
brink but falling through space brings me into daily contact with
kids whose lives are in the frenetic chaos of falling apart. I see, I
feel, I taste their pain and their terror. I watch from a distance as
they do the things my kids did when my marriage ended – the
rebellion, the failing grades, the adversarial positions they take,
the ending of their childhood. In contrast, I watch other families –
intact families – and their children. The stark difference between
the kids of families falling through space and those whose lives are
stable and secure is more pronounced than the difference between
night and day. Being a front row observer reminds me daily of the
wages of my choices. It hurts – and it makes me more determined to
stand up, speak out, and work to save and heal marriages in any way
possible.

So, this email that I got, in response to a request to combine a
couple of resources for saving marriages said this: "I feel very
uncomfortable seeing someone involved in this work if he/she is the
one who forced the divorce. It's usually the other way around---folks
get into this work because they had a divorce forced upon them."

Wowwww….. you can imagine how that was a knife twisting in my gut.
Not only was I being judged for mistakes of the past, but my ability –
no – my right to move forward and make amends through my work was
challenged, questioned. All the pain and guilt and sadness poured
over me in tidal waves that I hadn't experienced in a long long time.

Why am I telling you this? It's not to gain sympathy or to have you
say, "There, there, P, we know you do good work and we appreciate
it." No, it's to bring to awareness the terrible destruction that
comes of judging another person. At SYMC we are, to the person,
insistent upon and dedicated to the idea that we don't get to judge.
I don't care what you've done in the past – truly. I care about what
you are doing right now and whether your actions are leading you to a
life of more integrity and better choices.

Had an affair in the past? Addicted to some other substance? Anger
and abuse issues? Divorced one, two, three, four times? Sorry to hear
it, it must have been painful for everyone. Now, let's talk about
what you learned and how you can take that knowledge and wisdom and
craft a better life. What can you do to make amends? What are you
doing to ensure you never make the same mistake again? Not just for
you and your family, although you need to start there, but for the
rest of the planet as well.

Judging people, much like labeling, keeps them stuck. Judging
oneself – refusing to grant forgiveness for the things you've done in
the past – keeps you stuck as well. In fact, it's a wonderful way to
avoid the painful process of growth and renewal. If you take the
position that you did such and such and because of it are unworthy to
do something like --- oh, say marriage advocacy ---- then you're
allowing yourself to stay in a place that is less than where you
should be going. You're enabling a lifestyle of mediocrity less than
wonderful choices.

None of us is perfect. We all make mistakes. Some yield greater and
more serious consequences. But, for as long as you have breath and
spark within you, the possibility, no, the obligation to learn from
your mistakes and to use that learning as a stepping stone to
something more exists. The obligation to allow others the same chance
to grow and heal and make amends exists as well.

There's a poem (that half an hour of online searching cannot find)
which talks about our fear, not of failing, but of being truly great.
Don't let your mistakes or those of anyone around you, impede or
dissuade you from greatness. Stop judging and take positive action.
What small thing can you do today on your walk toward greatness?

Penny

Musing on Marriage(tm) Holes in the Roof

I love houses. Always have. A favorite weekend recreation is to tour
the semi annual parade of homes or to check out the newest open
models in the upscale developments around the area. During my
thirties I was an avid member of the National Trust for Historic
Preservation; my fun reading was made up of publications such
as "Early American Life" and "Preservation." I've lived in an old
house, built at the turn of the last century, and in an historic
house of a modern sort – built in the `40's with design elements
which were decades ahead of their time. For several years I had a
recreational decorating and design business. I helped restore a
Victorian, once facing condemnation, to near museum quality
standards. I've painted concrete floors to look like marble, designed
my kitchen from the walls out, and made strategic suggestions for the
structural elements of our current state of remodel. I love houses.
And in fact, when I travel to other parts of the country I am far
more likely to photograph the residential architecture than I am to
record the family on vacation. (Much to the chagrin of my children in
later years..)

So, what does this have to do with marriage? Well, I live in the
upper Midwest where Mother Nature mesmerizes us with thunderstorms,
floods, and tornadoes this time of year. Not long ago I watched a
newscast about a house that was damaged when a tree came through the
roof of a house in one of our many storms. (The man sleeping just
under the spot where the tree entered the house was unharmed but
definitely shaken!) It got me thinking about the correlation between
marriage and houses.

A marriage is much like a house. When it's new, everything is well
kept. It's clean. The roof is good, the plumbing works well, the
floors are level and unscathed. But inevitably, over time, things
begin to break down. If one owns an older or historic home there are
always things which clamor for attention – similar to a marriage
that's been neglected or damaged by thoughtless choices, independent
living and outright harmful actions. A marriage in trouble is much
like a house needing significant repair.

It could be that the plumbing needs to updated, the wiring changed
from old glass fuses to code compliant breakers, the walls may be
cracked and the floors might need to be shorn up to make them level
again. A marriage may have issues and conflicts surrounding in-laws,
money, sex, child rearing, hobbies, or even pets. Like a house that
needs significant work, those things need to be addressed in small
steps, with thoughtful planning and oodles of frustrating starts and
stops.

But what happens when a storm sends a tree crashing through the roof?
No matter what the state of the home prior to that event, all work
needs to stop and energies must be redirected toward emergency
repair. The tree needs to be carefully removed, the roof repaired and
any other structural damage investigated and repaired before work can
resume on the pre-existing conditions.

This is exactly the same dynamic that occurs in marriage when there
is infidelity. The marriage may need serious repair work in and of
itself. But once an affair sends a tree crashing through the
sheltering structure of the relationship all efforts directed at the
underlying problems take a back seat to the emergency measures
brought about by the affair itself. There's no point in attempting to
fix the cracked walls and outdated electricity in the marriage when
there is a tree protruding into the bedroom and the inner structure
is exposed to the elements.

The affair partner must be completely and permanently removed from
the relationship in the same way the tree must be removed from the
roof. It's a horribly difficult and painful process. Often the affair
partner has been a long time friend of one or both spouses. The loss
of the friendship and the betrayal that is felt is heart wrenching,
no matter what leg of the triangle one is on. But a friendship that
has intruded into the intimate structure of a marriage can no longer
be considered a friendship. Boundaries have been breached, and there
is no way to return to a state of innocence. None of the needed
repair work to the marriage can begin until this step is complete.
Intermittently ending and resuming contact with an affair partner
creates the same kind of damage as picking the tree up off the roof
and dropping it back on again – it creates larger holes and more
damage.

Once the affair partner is no longer in the picture, the hard work of
repair can begin. First and foremost the gaping holes left by the
affair must be mended. Depending on the length of the affair and how
far into the emotional bonding of the marriage the affair partner was
allowed to intrude, repair work could be replacement of the entire
roof or simply a minimal patch job. The longer the affair, with the
marriage being exposed to the damage of wind and rain, the more
repair will be needed. The holes left by infidelity are things such
as damaged trust, resentment, the inevitable withdrawal felt by the
straying spouse when the affair ends, and stress on the underlying
structure of the marriage.

Marriages rarely end in divorce due to the affair itself. But failure
to repair the damage from the affair will almost without fail lead to
complete destruction of the marriage. Marriages end because there
the gaping holes remaining which continue to expose the relationship
to more harm. Some couples can do the repair work themselves. These
are the calmly methodical sorts who can read about the necessary
measures and implement them in without becoming bogged down in the
emotional tug of war recovery always entails. For most couples, as
with homeowners, hiring a professional is indispensable in making
sure the repairs are done well and in a timely manner.

As the holes are patched, the shingles replaced, and the structure
found to be intact attention can once again be turned to the problems
which existed before the tree made its untimely entrance into the
lives of the homeowners. Those issues and conflicts may have become
larger or more serious because of the damaged caused either directly
or indirectly by the crisis of the storm – that's the nature of
destructive events; they have far reaching consequences. Time,
patience, persistence, and good professional help can make all the
difference in repairing a storm damaged home or healing a marriage
torn apart by an affair.

Wishing you clear skies…
Penny

Musing on Marriage(tm) Married and Alone

Couples. Everywhere. The world seems to be made of pairs and they are
all around us. That's great if we are part of a twosome ourselves,
but sadly it isn't always the case. Sometimes even the staunchest
supporters of marriage and those of us most wanting to be married
find ourselves alone. And then the coupleness of the world at large
seems to be a cruel joke played out before out eyes.

In my coaching practice I most often deal with husbands and wives who
are alone due to the infidelity of their spouse. Perhaps the straying
partner has initiated a separation to be with the affair partner or
the faithful spouse has separated to protect themselves from further
pain. Sometimes a husband or wife who has been unhappy for years
chooses to take a break from further neglect and separates. And of
course there are instances of abuse where safety dictates that the
abused spouse separate for safety reasons. In between those are a
host of other causes for married aloneness, but the result is the
same. Married. Alone.

Unlike death, married aloneness leaves you in a nowhere land of being
committed to a partner who is not present. Such a state rules out
dating and other activities that could threaten your continuing
commitment to the marriage and your partner. And unlike death, there
is no closure. There is the constant wondering, waiting and weighing
of every decision you make, every action you contemplate. In short,
you obsess. And you hurt.

The natural instinct is to worry and fret behind the scenes. To call
your friends and family for updates on what your spouse might be
doing. To drive by where they work or their new living quarters. To
show them that you are changing and improving…. Without really
showing them… passively staying in view with a, "Look at what your
missing," sort of energy. All of those things are normal instincts.

But as we talk about daily, the things we need to do to craft a
successful marriage or repair one that is wounded are counter
intuitive. If we follow our instincts in almost any marital pursuit
we'll be going down the wrong path. Being a married alone is not any
different. Instead of holding on so tightly, this is the time to
detach. Not from the marriage and not from your spouse, but from the
situation which has led to the separation. Hold tight to the desire
for a strong and healthy relationship with your mate. Wrap it up, put
it in a safe place in your heart, and then move on.


Take a class. Reinvest in a former hobby or explore possibilities of
new ones. Volunteer somewhere. Nothing helps revive the heart and
revitalize the soul as does the satisfaction of helping someone else
in need. Put some energy into friendships that might have grown
stale. Read a book that `s purely entertainment and has nothing to
say about marriage an relationships. Get out of the house. Join a spa
or health club. Get a new hairstyle. Make something with your own
hands. Write a book or a short story. Get a life!! The only caveat is
that friends be same sex and advocates for your marriage.

Moving on will not hamper your efforts to save the marriage once your
spouse decides to reconsider the marriage. On the contrary doing so
will reenergize you and speed the healing process. You will be
calmer, more centered, and feel better about yourself, all of which
make you a better partner in any relationship. Worried that he or she
won't like the changes you're making? Don't be, it's all negotiable
when the time for reconciliation occurs.

What's the first step? Get out of your usual rut. Instead of staying
home and trying to break into his email, why not call a friend and go
to a movie. Rather than writing long painful essays in your journal
about how much you miss her, why not get out the hammer and saw and
do a little work on the deck. And best of all, take some time to
really be with your kids if you can. They need you now more than
ever. Go to a park, read a story, play a game. This kind of comfort
will reap benefits for years to come.

All the best!
Penny


Today's Musing on Marriage is dedicated to the memory of Shirley
Glass. Ms. Glass was a well known and widely respected psychologist
and researcher who spent her career redefining the therapeutic
community's understanding of infidelity, as well as helping countless
couples to heal through her clinical work and her writings. Ms.
Glass' research was impeccable and far reaching and the conclusions
she put forth affect our understanding of the dynamics of infidelity
and the steps needed for recovery. Her passing on October 8th of this
year leaves a gaping hole in the world of those working to repair and
heal marriages everywhere.
She will be missed.