Musing on Marriage(tm) Divorce is Not the Same as Unmarried

I specialize in infidelity, so by nature the clients that I have are
under tremendous strain and anxiety. Their marriages appear to be DOA
when the find their way to my door and yet, in spite of the
appearances of death, people come to me for hope in reviving and
restoring their relationship with their mate. But eventually, almost
without fail, the day will come when my client will call me insisting
that they need to file for a divorce in order to get the straying
partner out of their life so the pain will finally stop.

As an advocate for the marriage I do what I can to encourage them to
take care of themselves, detach from what their spouse is doing, and
stay in the marriage. But the conversations that I have around that
entire topic have triggered some thoughts about marriage, divorce,
covenants, and the unmaking of such.

Marriage is a covenant. A solemn promise given with one's word of
honor. Major religions view it as such and most of us still get
married in a religious rite of some kind. The promises that we make
form something bigger than the sum of the bride and groom. A marriage
becomes a thing in and of itself, created from two but embodying a
oneness. Swirling the essences of two human beings into an energy all
its own. Intimacy in way that is unknowable until one has lived it.

If that is the case then there is more to becoming unmarried than a
simple piece of paper signed by a judge and filed with the county
court. A divorce decree can sever the legal commitment and
attachment. Property and assets can be divided up in a way that is
cut and dried – finalized with a few transactions and a couple of
signatures. But a marriage is more than a legal contract. If it were
not then we would not see the outpouring of political action on the
part of the gay and lesbian communities asking to be granted the
right to marry.

Becoming unmarried means taking apart the covenant. Reclaiming one's
own energy and giving back that of the former mate. That's not so
easy to do when a marriage ends with anger, hurt, recriminations or
just plain sadness, as most do. Becoming unmarried means detaching
emotionally, physically, and spiritually from the spouse. If there
are children involved it becomes virtually impossible to achieve all
three of those layers of detachment. Physical attachment will linger
as long as the children live. Emotional attachment goes very deep
even in the most painful relationships and we carry that attachment
with us beyond the untying of the legal bond. Spiritual attachment…
ahhh…. that is the heart of the covenant and the hardest to undo. I'm
not sure it's possible for most people to achieve.

When we are hurting in our marriages, like anywhere else, it is only
natural that we look for a way to escape the pain. Society paints
divorce as a somewhat unpleasant but generally easy way out of
marital difficulty. It's not. There is no easy way out. The dynamics
we have created with our spouses rarely change once the piece of
paper is filed at the courthouse. Couples still argue over the care
of the children, still obsess about the affair partner and the
relationship the former spouse has with them, still need to negotiate
about holidays and family events. Divorce does not remove the
connection from our hearts or our lives.

The only things that change when a divorce is finalized are a few
financial details and perhaps where each person lives. That's it. The
pain, the loss, the frustration, the ongoing dealings with that
person remains much the same until we undo the covenant. Achieving
that requires difficult internal personal work and a shift in
consciousness. Probably as much or more work than staying in the
marriage. Interesting thought, staying in the marriage……….

Penny

Musing on Marriage(tm) So Did You Mean It When You Said

"For better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or
poorer, til death us do part."

Most of us said something very like that when we took our wedding
vows. And most of us took those vows in front of family, friends, and
a representative of our God in our faith community. And not only did
we say those things in that manner, but we spent an awful lot of
time, effort, and money getting to the moment when we did so.

A wedding is a lot of beautiful ritual and tradition – not to mention
yards of lace and tulle, bushels of flowers, and layers of cakes –
with one thing being the defining center which ties it all together.
The vows. Those few words about sickness and health, better or worse.
So I'm wondering. Did you mean it?

When all was said and done, the dress bought, the cake baked, the tux
fitted and the DJ hired – did you mean it? The part about sickness
and health, better or worse? How about the richer or poorer part?

Every week at least one client, and usually several more than that,
tells me that they just can't do it anymore, that they have to file
for divorce. It could be that they've discovered their spouse is
addicted to drugs or gambling. It might be that he or she is
oblivious to my client's needs in the marriage. And, because I
specialize in infidelity it is often because the spouse is having an
affair and the pain is tearing the heart out of my client, the
person they once vowed to love and honor and cherish, forsaking all
others.

Whatever the cause of the pain, it is very real and very heart
wrenching. This is when the chips are down and we see what it is we
are made of. Hardship is no joke and our natural instinct as humans
is to survive – to remove ourselves from the pain and the threat it
makes to our happiness and security. Run! Get out! Save yourself! Our
emotions and our instincts give us a hearty push and our friends and
family are not far behind.

If being married was easy, there would be no reason for taking vows.
Vows are something we take in order to show our commitment to some
aspect of life that is difficult to perform or carry out. Vows are
promises that show our determination to go against the flow when it
seems going with the flow is the only option available. Remaining
true to our vows in the face of pain and tragedy is what makes us
fully responsible adults in a world that lauds irresponsibility.
Staying faithful to promises we made forges the steel in our souls.

"But she isn't honoring her promises." "He never treated me with
honor and now he's living with someone else." "I have a right to end
this marriage because of what he has done to me." Funny thing about
the promises we make at weddings – they really aren't about what the
other person does or does not do. Our wedding vows are all about us
and our commitment to the marriage. A commitment that is explicitly
stated to be not only in times of joy and laughter but in the deepest
darkest moments of our lives. A commitment to stick it out come hell
or high water regardless of the pain and suffering. Til death us do
part.

I also know that there comes a time when we need to concede defeat.
When the courts and the legal system cannot be fought or when it
truly happens that the marriage cannot be saved. But these are
decisions that should me made in the cold light of rationality after
every option has been tried and has failed. And I would say that
includes at least a year of separation and no contact before coming
to that decision.

I know that many of you are suffering and fighting against seemingly
insurmountable odds in your marriage right now. It seems that the
easy and perhaps only way out is to end the marriage. It seems
incredibly unfair to watch the days and the months go by wondering
when you will have a life again. It is for moments such as these that
you spoke those words and sealed your promise of commitment in front
of witnesses. So I just have to ask one more time, did you mean it?

All the best,
Penny