Meditations on Marriage - The Small Things

"I long to accomplish a great and noble tasks, but it is my chief duty
to accomplish humble tasks as though they were great and noble. The
world is moved along, not only by the mighty shoves of its heroes, but
also by the aggregate of the tiny pushes of each honest worker." --
Helen Keller

~*~*~*~*~*~*

We look to the big deal in our relationships. The biggest bunch of
flowers, the exotic vacation, the expensive gift. But life is in the
small things -- and marriage most of all. The most heroic spouse is the
one who, day after day, lives his or her Values with compassion.

What humble thing can I do today with the same passion and thought
given to larger acts?

In love,

P

Meditations on Marriage - Courage

"It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure,
to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer
meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for
in movement there is life, and in change there is power." -- Alan Cohen

What, in my relationship, am I holding onto pretending it affords me
security? Where do I refuse to take a risk -- a risk that could be the
first move toward healing, laughter, joy, and love? Where am I grasping
when I could be reaching out with an open hand?

Today, let me be courageous in releasing those things that no longer
serve me or my marriage. Let me, instead, release my illusion of
security that I can be open to learning, growth, and transformation.

In love,

P

Musing on Marriage(tm) Post Election Reflection

No matter what your preference for winner, this was an historic moment
in the making. At the end of the day we would have either the first
female VP or the first African American president. Truly a day to pause
and reflect on how far we've come. Not to mention the, possibly record
making high, voter turnout (I just looked ... numbers are still coming
in and there's some debate about how to interpret them).

Yes, we can. We always could. And it was far less about who sat in the
Oval Office than it was about getting involved, being heard, and caring
more about the fate of our nation than we do about who wins the next
sports championship.

It seems to me ... if we are to reclaim and rebuild a country of
integrity, strength, and compassion ... then We The People need to step
up to the plate and do the work.

When I went to bed, immediately following Obama's acceptance speech,
popular vote was still running pretty close to 50/50. That means half of
we who voted are waking up with their dreams in the loss column this
morning. Both McCain and Obama stressed the need to come together in
unity to begin the work of healing and growing.

We, here in the healing marriages community, get this. Just as it takes
both partners joining hands and hearts and spirits to craft a marriage
of strength and fulfillment, just as it takes engagement and curiosity
and action from both partners, just as it takes the hard work of growth
and integrity to make a marriage work, so too does it take all that to
craft a nation in keeping with the vision of our founding fathers .... a
vision of freedom and responsibility never before seen in history.

So this morning, this day after the culmination of an historic race and
election, I challenge each and every one of you to look deep inside and
in the words of John Kennedy, "Ask not what your country can do for you,
ask what you can do for your country." And then do it.

Yes, we can.

P

Musing on Something That's Sort of Like Marriage But Isn't Quite - Civil Unions and Domestic Partnerships

Ok. I have to say I'm not quite sure I get it. In fact, I'm pretty
sure I don't. Why are we splitting hairs over a word?

What word, you ask? Well…. marriage.

California recently upheld the right of same sex couples to marry,
stating in the majority opinion: "Upon reviewing the numerous past
California decisions that examine the underlying bases and
significance of the constitutional right to marry, the opinion
explains that the core substantive rights embodied in the right to
marry "include, most fundamentally, the opportunity of an individual
to establish — with the person with whom the individual has chosen to
share his or her life — an officially recognized and protected family
possessing mutual rights and responsibilities and entitled to the same
respect and dignity accorded a union traditionally designated as
marriage."

It continues: "in contrast to earlier times, our state now recognizes
that an individual's capacity to establish a loving and long-term
committed relationship with another person and responsibly to care for
and raise children does not depend upon the individual's sexual
orientation, and, more generally, that an individual's sexual
orientation — like a person's race or gender — does not constitute a
legitimate basis upon which to deny or withhold legal rights."

Core substantive rights embodied in the right to marry….. an
officially recognized and protected family …… same respect and dignity
….. traditionally designated as marriage. Sexual orientation …. does
not constitute ….. basis upon which to deny or withhold legal rights.

It makes total sense to me. So much so that I can't conceive of a
paradigm where one's sexual orientation could possibly be the basis
upon which legal rights are denied.

One argument against same sex marriage insists allowing gay and
lesbian partners the protections of marriage will somehow endanger my
marriage. Uhmm … ok …. Could someone please explain this to me because
I can't quite seem to grasp it.

I can understand the possible risk to my marriage of … say … no fault
divorce laws, legalized prostitution, rampant pornography, epidemic
crass consumerism, addiction, cultural acceptance (celebration, even!)
of infidelity, or a work "ethic" that undercuts our couple time. But
I'm not quite grasping how supporting the rights of other human beings
to create and protect a family will harm mine. Seems to me if we
really want to protect marriages we'd be speaking out about the real
risks rather than some smokescreen fantasy created to promote the
agenda of a religious mindset.

And now we get to the crux of the matter, don't we?
Senator McCain in his appearance on Ellen shortly after the California
court decision had a smooth, politically correct statement on the tip
of his tongue, "Well, my thoughts are that I think that people should
be able to enter into legal agreements, and I think that that is
something that we should encourage, particularly in the case of
insurance and other areas, decisions that have to be made. I just
believe in the unique status of marriage between man and woman."

Hair splitting, I say. A contract that gives (almost) the same rights
as marriage. Only instead of lace and flowers one arrives in a similar
place with lawyers and paperwork. That's not to say you couldn't have
a civil or religious commitment ceremony to mark the event; you could.
The difference is, from what I can tell, the solemnization of the
union cannot be made legal by virtue of this ceremony …. as it can for
straight couples. Why on earth not? Is there something that makes same
sex couples so different that we have to offer them a tortuous,
roundabout, coldly legal, method of getting to almost (but not quite)
the same place of creating and protecting their families?

Or is it fear and prejudice? Fear and prejudice and …. religious
beliefs? Fear and prejudice can, and have over and over again, be
addressed by looking closely at same sex couples, their children, and
their interactions with society. We know now that these families do
just as well in all those areas as straight families. We are, after
all, wonderfully complex beings regardless of our sexual orientation.
That seems to leave religious beliefs as the central disagreement. And
that is a problem.

In the US, thanks to the First Amendment, we have the right to freedom
of religion. We also have a freedom from religion. We can believe
whatever we want. What we cannot do is impose, via law or government
action, our religious beliefs upon another. No matter how deeply we
believe marriage is between a man and a woman because our god or
religious text says so, we absolutely cannot make laws which deny a
segment of the nation's couples and families the same rights as
others. The right to create, protect, and nurture, in the same way, a
long term familial relationship with a person of his or her choosing.

I know the day is at hand when we will be as aghast at this denial of
rights to same sex couples as we now are at the identical past
discrimination against interracial couples not so very long ago. From
now on when I say Musing on Marriage it's for every family … gay or
straight.

Musing on Marriage(tm) Betrayed Wives Club - Reality Check

So Barbara Walters had an affair. A kiss on the cheek from the Dalai
Lama and a ….. well …. you know …. from former US Senator Brooke. A
married man with two children. And then there's Eliot Spitzer,
Superhero for Morality, caught with his pants down in a brothel. Not
to mention Larry Craig whose "wide stance" got him a bit more than he
bargained for in his fifteen minutes of fame. And Oprah, Queen of the
Underdog, whose bulldog tenacity for saving everyone and everything
apparently did not kick in when she decided to dally with someone
else's hubby.

And we, the mundane of the world, are all aghast and adizzy at the
foibles of the rich and famous. Like the proverbial train wreck, we
can't look away as we hang on every little whisper waiting for the
next round of juicy details. How old (gasp!) was this overpaid
prostitute? Really? He was the first African American senator? How
many knocks did it take to entice the vice officer out of his stall?
We're like eight graders whispering and passing notes with heightened
intensity as we ignore the reality beneath the prurience.

Standing in the shadow, if we care to look, we can see them: The
Betrayed Wives Club. Or, The Wounded and Left for Dead Spouses Club.
Or, The Children of Cheaters Club.

We all know that sex sells. I get why the media focuses on the lusty
details of sexual betrayal (all the while shaking their heads and tsk
tsking for good show). But, really, when it comes right down to it,
glorifying infidelity as just another bit of celebrity chatter is as
offensive as reporting the details of a child murder using the format
of a slasher flick. It denies, completely, the dignity of the real
people whose lives will never be the same. The ones who live day in
and day out with the reality of having their choices stolen and their
lives shattered by betrayal from their inner circle.

Spitzer's wife, Silda, stood by him as he apologized to his
constituents in front of a packed crowd of microphones and flashbulbs.
The same microphones and flashbulbs that dashed off to vie for the
first interview with the "high class call girl". Where was the rush to
explore the agonizing pain of a wife betrayed? Where was the
discussion of the loss of innocence of his two teenage daughters? How
does one begin to piece the shattered remnants of a family back
together after this sort of loss? Does anyone really care? To the
hundreds of thousands of betrayed partners (and their children!)
around the country it doesn't look like it.

Imagine, if you can, the torment of standing in the checkout line at
your local grocery, unable to escape from the screaming headlines
heralding the birth of yet another celebrity "love child" (Shiloh,
anyone?) while your still-married-to-you hubby is expecting a bundle
of joy with some woman he met on the job and has shacked up with on
the other side of town. Or how about the panic-attack tunnel vision
nausea that comes with tuning into Letterman's lighthearted banter
about the Larry Craig fiasco (can you imagine the horror his wife must
be enduring?) or the double trouble family of New York's Vito Fossella.

Infidelity doesn't happen in a vacuum. It's not a victimless event.
People get hurt. More than hurt – they are traumatized in a way no one
should ever endure. Marriages are shattered. Children are ripped from
carefree lives. Real, live, breathing, human beings are brought to
their knees with the pain and grief of it all. Treating it as a joke,
or something to bandy about intellectually, is as immature and selfish
as the betrayal itself. As one woman put it so eloquently, "People who
have not experienced infidelity will not understand how watching
Barbara Walters casually talk about her affair, with no remorse, for
me is like watching someone recount raping someone as a once pleasant
memory."

C'mon America. Let's reclaim our integrity and our compassion. The
next time we hear another one of -those- news bites let's do a reality
check and remember the silent majority of pain behind the slick
sexiness of reporting for ratings.

Penny Tupy is a professional marriage coach and the founder of
Marriage Fidelity Day. She can be reached for coaching or interviews
at 651.775.8302. For more of her caustic humor on topics of great
import visit her on the web at swww.symcinc.com

Musing on Marriage(tm) The Spirit of a Woman

She `does for' everyone else.

She stumbles out of bed every two hours to sit in the rocker with the
nursing infant, heavy eyed and hollow with sleep deprivation. In the
morning she juggles corn flakes and juice while packing lunches,
signing permission slips, and writing notes to the teacher. During
her lunch hour she runs errands for the household. Husband needs
fresh razor blades, daughter has a project at school requiring poster
board and special markers, and the cat can only eat a certain food
found only in one store which is, of course, inconveniently located.
Lunch hour is a misnomer – she doesn't really stop to eat lunch.

She works at a job she may or may not love. Her dream of making a
splash in the world has become more tied up with caring for family
than with being a superstar or Nobel Prize winner. Not that she
doesn't still dream, she does, but the sparks of her passion are now
tied up with her desire to uphold and nurture the dreams of those she
loves so deeply.

In the evening, she pulls together a meal from remnants of leftovers,
a little pasta, and a can of fruit cocktail. Because she retains a
hint of yesterday's values she insists the children put their napkins
on their laps and learn to hold their forks in ways that seem foreign
to their little hands. It's a nightly battle whose wages are whining
and excuses. She smiles through gritted teeth and pounding head and
distracts them from the whining with a question about their day.

On autopilot she averts disaster constantly scanning the horizon for
looming threats. "Is there enough money in the school milk account?
Do the boots from last year still fit? – It's going to snow this
weekend. We need to make a special stop for a birthday gift for the
child's friend – do you know what he likes?" She schedules dental
appointments, well child visits, eye appointments, and keeps the
immunization records up to date. She finds missing library books in
the final rushed moments before the bus comes so her daughter can
exchange it for a new one today at school. She knows the shoe, shirt,
pant, and hat size of every member of the family – and she has an
internal radar that reminds her to keep everyone in clothes that fit.

When she signed up for this thing called marriage and family she
believed she was joining a team. She had a dream, a vision, of
partnering with this man for life in a venture they would carve out
together. Certainly she knew that each of them would play different
roles at different times but always she thought of it as a team. A
team where both players and all their parts would be honored for its
importance and value. A team where the weight was shifted and
distributed as conditions and situations warranted.

If it was a second marriage that dream vision was tinged all at once
with loss and renewal, death and rebirth. She'd dreamed the dream
once before and watched it wither. But hope was strong and took root
once again with a new love, a new life. In his eyes she saw the
promise of being cared for in the way she cared for everyone else.

But she forgot, or never knew, that love and caring, nurturing and
guiding don't have a spot on the bottom line. They don't get counted
in the same way when the conversation about the "good of the family"
is used to deny her the sustenance needed to feed her spirit. Her
giving is a shadow presence – demanded of her without words –
unrewarded and overlooked in the urgency of doing what is "for the
good of the family."

And so as the years unfold and she finds herself alone and pregnant,
alone in the middle of the night with a sick child, alone with the
worry about the mundane trials of life, alone with her lost dreams,
conversations never spoken, and empty hopes, she begins to grieve the
loss of the dream.

Once she'd been young and vital staring with anticipation at all that
life could offer. Smart, talented, passionate, witty, quiet,
outrageous, brilliant, tentative and confident all at once she could
have been anything she wanted. She chose love. She chose to give of
herself to those who held the essence of her heart. Her husband, her
children, her parents, her friends, and even those far removed whose
cause she cared about. She volunteers, she works, she mothers, and
she does her best to support her husband. She gives of herself and
she gives herself.

She puts aside her thoughts of fame and fortune knowing the deeper
mystery. That fortunes in gold cannot compare to fortunes of the
heart. That fame and acclaim of celebrityhood pale next to being
Known by the loves of your life. That the deepest satisfaction of
life comes of sharing most intimately all that you are with another
person.

As a child she wished this from her parents and as she grew she came
to see that she must leave their embrace and pursue the dream
elsewhere. When she held her babies in her arms she knew that she
held them for only a brief moment in time and they too would leave
the nest – as she had done. With her friends and other loved ones she
gave of herself knowing that it was gift. She understands at the
deepest level that this is What Women Do – they give. And in their
giving they manifest the force that gives life to the planet.

All she asks in return for this gift of nurturance and life is that
she be loved and cherished, honored and held safe by one person. Her
husband. She doesn't ask that he sacrifice his dreams or aspirations,
she stands ready to support him in all those things. She only asks
that he look into her eyes, take the time and energy to know her
deeply, and that he engage with her as a partner in this life they
build together. She asks that her contribution be given a place of
honor and that he participate with her in crafting a home. This is
the food that keeps alive the Spirit of a woman.

But now her youth is faded, the fine lines show on her face, her
waist has thickened. She's tired and she's sad inside. She still
gives to family and home and she still wishes for knowing and
intimacy. But she is contemptuously told she's "unbelievable" when
she asks for engagement or support. Her pleas for partnership die on
her lips. She wonders if she made the wrong choice all those years
ago – if what she saw as the mystery of love was nothing but a cruel
trick of the light.


Until at last she finds herself one chilly morning in the darkest
time of the year sitting across from him in a coffee shop. The walls
painted in colors of earth, wood tables and mismatched chairs filled
with students and couples and families. Clattering and chattering
fill the air while the sound and aroma of grinding coffee make up the
background. And he says to her, this man who insists her desire for
teamship, for engagement, for true partnering is outrageous, too much
to expect of anyone, that he is excited to be back at work this week.
That not only did he do an exceedingly good job leading his
colleagues over the past two years but that he is motivated to do
even more this year. That he revels in his reputation as the
powerhouse who gets things done. That his participation and
engagement on several teams have made a positive and lasting impact.
And in that moment time stands still. The sounds and aromas colors
and textures of the little coffee house become flat and empty –
silent as if all life was suddenly sucked away. In the silent
emptiness that remains she hears it, the final dying sigh of her
spirit as it falls slowly, forgotten and alone, into the abyss.

Musing on Marriage(tm) The Stories of Our Lives, Intentional Ethics

I took my son to a cardiologist this morning. It's not the first time
I've done so, nor will it be the last. My son has a congenital heart
defect virtually identical to the one that took the life of his older
brother at birth, twenty years ago. But unlike his older brother's,
the defect in Nathaniel's heart is mild requiring nothing more than a
visit to his doctor every two years. In time as he grows and changes
that may change as well. The day may come when he needs significant
intervention including open heart surgery to replace the unruly
valve. But not today. Today he is an active and vociferous ten year
old.

When we finished at the doctor my husband and I took Nathaniel out
for a little snack at a nearby Caribou. Sitting there watching him my
vision changed, just for a moment, and I realized something, looking
at this sparkly eyed creature in front of me. In the book of his
life, through those mischievous brown eyes and the spirit behind
them, we are but the supporting cast and he is the main character.

And then, looking around the coffee shop I held that thought about
each of the people I saw. The brand new mother at the table next to
me holding an infant so small it could hardly have been real. And the
baby itself, his little mouth pursed in contentment as his eyes slid
with baby like slowness around the room. The older couple, well
dressed, who seemed to hold each other in an awareness that didn't
allow for the rest of us. The barista behind the counter. The man
with the computer at the other end of the store and the moms with a
couple of small girls seated not too far from him. Behind me were two
women studying what looked to be a nursing textbook. Each of them
unique never to be repeated or replaced beings. Each of them the main
character in the book of their lives. And we, the others in the
coffee shop, simply supporting cast, perhaps not even that, perhaps
only extras, there to fill the space as they did whatever it was they
came to do at a coffee shop on a brisk October morning.

As we got up to leave I said to my son and my husband, "Say goodbye
to all these people, we'll never see them again." And they, my son
and my husband, looked at me as if I was a bit off and laughed and
rolled their eyes at me. But it's true. We may cross paths with these
people again, but it's unlikely. And, even if we do neither of us is
going to remember a brief shared time at a coffee house somewhere in
suburbia.

But each person leaving that coffee shop today will continue to write
the book of his or her life. Each will continue to play out the role
of the main character, telling the story from his or her point of
view as the years unfold and life moves forward. And each of us will
simultaneously play supporting roles and the parts of extras in the
books of many others at the same time we are writing our own stories.
Each of those roles interconnected with the lives and stories and
roles of the people around us whose lives we touch. Even if only for
a moment.

And in all that, when we really examine it, we must come to profound
realization of how much we are all alike in our humanness. We live,
we love, we laugh, we cry. Our experiences are universal. Some of us
are heroes, some are villains, and many are somewhere in between. But
we are completely and without reservation human. It is only when we
recognize that we are all the same that we can begin the quest for an
intentionally ethical lifestyle. When we see that others are the main
character of their own story we can afford them the honor and the
dignity that is their due simply by virtue of our shared humanity.

When we can see that – when we can look around a coffee shop or a
playground, or an online community and we can see each person's story
as unique and extraordinary we can move outside ourselves to a place
of profound respect. This is what SYMC seeks to do in our work with
infidelity. See that each person in the triangle plays a leading
role. And that each individual is uniquely and completely human with
all the tendencies toward good and evil that each of us carries. Each
person in the triangle laughs and cries, loves and hates, hurts and
is hurt in return. And each person writes the story of the affair
from his or her point of view. When we honor that, and only then, can
we reach out with love and compassion to each of the members of the
triangle. We can only talk about ethics and harming none when we
carry a deep respect for the person whom we are confronting,
comforting, or advising.

An oft quoted directive says, "Do unto others as you would have them
do unto you." And yet, that doesn't adequately address an internal
drive to honor another. That statement is about us – about what we
would like, or not like as the case may be, rather than about an
objective respect for another. If, therefore, I like being laughed at
I would base my decision on whether to laugh at someone else on my
feelings or wishes. But, if instead, I take the position of "harming
none" I am forced to look beyond myself, my likes and dislikes, and
toward the better good of those around me.

If I avoid conflict at all costs, a dangerous game in marriage, I
might assume that it is best to allow others to play the same
avoidance game. I would be doing unto another as I would like done
unto me. But avoiding conflict is harmful in the long run. In order
to search for a truly ethical position on any subject we must first
recognize the spark that exists in all of us and then seek a way to
honor each that spark as we honor our own.

Will our book, the story of our own life portray us as a hero? A
villain? A person to admire or to fear? The answer to that lies in
how we touch the lives of the others within that story. Do we hold
the vision of respect and dignity in highest regard? Do we seek
choices and solutions that are only for the better good? If so then
although we will certainly need to make difficult choices and take
unpopular actions when all is said and done and the final page is
turned we can only inspire respect and honor in those whose stories
will follow.