Musing on Marriage(tm) Infidelity and the Egg

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the King's horses
And all the King's men
Couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again

I'm often asked why people who have affairs must permanently end all
contact with their affair partner if their marriage is to recover and
heal. After all, they were often friends with the lover prior to the
affair and they don't want to lose the friendship along with all the
other losses an affair leaves in its wake.

There are lots of quick and easy answers to that question. Ongoing
contact is offensive and painful for the spouse, the affair is likely
to rekindle, true healing of the marriage can't begin while the
involved spouse is still emotionally connected to the affair partner.
They are all valid reasons and there are good scientific reasons to
back them up. So what more is there to say? I had a sudden visual
image the other day that spoke to me about this issue and I'm hoping
I can relay it in a way that makes it clearer.

The vast majority of affairs occur with someone we know. A close
friend, co-worker, or even family member. Prior to an affair, even
relationships as close as long term friendships retain a level of
distance. Shirley Glass (Not Just Friends, 2003) describes it well
when she speaks about the walls healthy marriages have erected around
the couple to protect them from outside risks.

Intimacy requires vulnerability. As an affair couple moves along the
continuum from friendship to lover layers of protection are peeled
away. Topics that were off limits become primary areas of
conversation. Touch that is reserved for the marriage is now
exchanged with someone outside the marriage. Looks that pass between
lovers are different than those that pass between friends and that
layer or protection is now peeled away as well. Little by little, the
walls that surround and protect the marriage are breached. The layers
of distance are stripped away leaving the partners open, vulnerable,
and intimately known at a level deeper than merely friendship.

When couples connect at this level they come to know each other in a
way that cannot be reversed. They cannot unknow what they have come
to see beneath the layers. Nor can they disconnect entirely from the
intimacy that knowing creates.

When the affair ends, as most do, the layers of protection are gone.
Just as all the King's Horses and all the King's Men couldn't put
Humpty Dumpty together again – neither can we replace the layers
covering the deepest most vulnerable parts of our being. We have
been seen and we cannot remove the memory of that vision. An orange,
once peeled, is forever revealed. The same is true of the human heart
and soul.

Years later, an old flame – long forgotten and newly met – can touch
us in ways someone who has not known us so deeply has no power to do.
We know the inner core of our former loves, and they ours. This is,
at the primal level, the reason contact with an affair partner must
permanently end. That knowing – that depth of connection – cannot be
undone. To remain in contact is to ever put the marriage at risk. To
remain in contact sabotages our ability to recreate that level of
knowingness and intimacy with our mate.

This is why our spouses are so offended and threatened with continued
or renewed contact. They intuitively sense the missing protective
layers of unknowing. They instinctively recognize the connection that
has been created and the danger is poses to the marriage. They know
in their depths that as long as contact continues healing cannot
fully occur.

Friends can easily become lovers. But the reverse is not true. Lovers
cannot easily become "just" friends.

Musing on Marriage(tm) Infidelity and the Cat

My cat got in a fight the other night. A raucous screeching fight
that jerked us awake at 2am. When you share acreage with coyotes,
eagles, rabbits, pheasants, and stray cats, as we do, the sounds of
nighttime hostilities are not all that unusual. But the unmistakable
absence of the cat the next morning along with the bits of fur near
the patio confirmed my worst fears. He'd tangled with something more
than he'd bargained for.

We spent the day checking outbuildings and walking paths in the
woods – hoping against hope to find him. Preferably in one piece. To
no avail. Finally, at about 4pm, he sauntered on to the patio, took a
sip from the dog's dish and walked into the house as if nothing had
happened. But by evening it was clear he was not feeling well. Our
usually friendly and active pet planted himself in a spot in the
front hall – not moving except to turn around once in a while.

The family conferred and it was decided that unless he was greatly
improved by morning we'd be visiting the vet the next day. When
morning came he was still holding fort in his spot in the hallway,
refusing food, and feeling warm to the touch. I called the vet.

Unlike most cats I've had, Mischief likes to go for rides in the car.
But he's really not all that thrilled about visiting the vet. A
shaved head (to get a good look at his wounds), thermometer reading,
and shot of penicillin later, he was a very unhappy kitty. The vet
sent us home with a bottle of once a day antibiotics and instructions
to clean the wound daily. Yes, a very unhappy kitty indeed.

I have this theory that you can tell when pets are feeling a whole
lot better because they fight like crazy to avoid taking their
medication. This time was not any different. The first day – not a
problem. The second day – he managed to get a good dig into my son's
arm with his claws in the process. The third day – the first attempt
sent the dropper scuttling across the kitchen floor, the second
attempt he spit out all over me and my son. After that, he wouldn't
come near me the rest of the day and treated all attempts on my part
to be friendly with complete disdain.

The fourth day – today – I couldn't bring myself to try again. He was
looking good, acting well, and still mad at me for the previous day's
attempt. I decided not to even try. And then, my son came to me
holding the cat. "Mom, we need to give Mischief his medicine – aren't
you going to do it?" he asked.

"Well, uhmmm, I was thinking I wouldn't, " I said.

"But I want to make sure he's better."

"I know, " I sighed, "but I don't want him to be mad at me again…"

And that's when it hit me. This is exactly what happens to my clients
when I ask them to do what I know is needed to help create the
conditions that bring about an end to their spouse's affair. They
love their mate and don't want him or her to be mad at them. They
want to be the nice one, the good guy, the one who is loving and kind
and supportive. Not the one upsetting their partner's world with all
kinds of unpleasantness.

A sick cat well on the mend is a small issue. I can deal with the cat
being mad at me – he'll get over it – he's a cat, and I feed him. But
how incredibly frightening it is for husbands and wives whose spouses
have done the unthinkable to rock the boat even further. It feels
like the final shove over the edge of a cliff – when the marriage is
already teetering precariously. And yet, like giving Mischief his
medication, it needs to be done.

Illness and the painful steps we need to take in order to overcome it
are easy to recognize and understand. But infidelity hides under the
guise of a love story. It confuses and blinds us to the very real
parallels between an affair and an illness. If we are to save the
marriage and move it away from the cliff and back towards healing we
must first address the illness, the addiction, of an affair. Doing so
requires unpleasantness.

The betrayed spouse, determined to save the marriage, is not allowed
the luxury of giving into emotions or instincts. Instead, they must
steel themselves against the emotional onslaught and take direct
action. Expose the affair. Confront the spouse and the affair
partner. Tell what they know and how they know it. Ask for help from
friends, family, and other influential people in their lives. And if
none of that brings about the end of the affair – they must protect
the marriage by separating entirely until the affair comes to an end
of its own accord. And yes, the straying partner, will indeed be very
angry.


"I don't want him to be mad at me." A normal compassionate desire.
True compassion however, looks below the surface of our own fear of
rejection and abandonment to the greater good. Often times in life we
must cause pain in order to ward off more harm. Infidelity may very
well be one of the greatest tests of our ability to do so.

Musing on Marriage(tm) Holes in the Roof

I love houses. Always have. A favorite weekend recreation is to tour
the semi annual parade of homes or to check out the newest open
models in the upscale developments around the area. During my
thirties I was an avid member of the National Trust for Historic
Preservation; my fun reading was made up of publications such
as "Early American Life" and "Preservation." I've lived in an old
house, built at the turn of the last century, and in an historic
house of a modern sort – built in the `40's with design elements
which were decades ahead of their time. For several years I had a
recreational decorating and design business. I helped restore a
Victorian, once facing condemnation, to near museum quality
standards. I've painted concrete floors to look like marble, designed
my kitchen from the walls out, and made strategic suggestions for the
structural elements of our current state of remodel. I love houses.
And in fact, when I travel to other parts of the country I am far
more likely to photograph the residential architecture than I am to
record the family on vacation. (Much to the chagrin of my children in
later years..)

So, what does this have to do with marriage? Well, I live in the
upper Midwest where Mother Nature mesmerizes us with thunderstorms,
floods, and tornadoes this time of year. Not long ago I watched a
newscast about a house that was damaged when a tree came through the
roof of a house in one of our many storms. (The man sleeping just
under the spot where the tree entered the house was unharmed but
definitely shaken!) It got me thinking about the correlation between
marriage and houses.

A marriage is much like a house. When it's new, everything is well
kept. It's clean. The roof is good, the plumbing works well, the
floors are level and unscathed. But inevitably, over time, things
begin to break down. If one owns an older or historic home there are
always things which clamor for attention – similar to a marriage
that's been neglected or damaged by thoughtless choices, independent
living and outright harmful actions. A marriage in trouble is much
like a house needing significant repair.

It could be that the plumbing needs to updated, the wiring changed
from old glass fuses to code compliant breakers, the walls may be
cracked and the floors might need to be shorn up to make them level
again. A marriage may have issues and conflicts surrounding in-laws,
money, sex, child rearing, hobbies, or even pets. Like a house that
needs significant work, those things need to be addressed in small
steps, with thoughtful planning and oodles of frustrating starts and
stops.

But what happens when a storm sends a tree crashing through the roof?
No matter what the state of the home prior to that event, all work
needs to stop and energies must be redirected toward emergency
repair. The tree needs to be carefully removed, the roof repaired and
any other structural damage investigated and repaired before work can
resume on the pre-existing conditions.

This is exactly the same dynamic that occurs in marriage when there
is infidelity. The marriage may need serious repair work in and of
itself. But once an affair sends a tree crashing through the
sheltering structure of the relationship all efforts directed at the
underlying problems take a back seat to the emergency measures
brought about by the affair itself. There's no point in attempting to
fix the cracked walls and outdated electricity in the marriage when
there is a tree protruding into the bedroom and the inner structure
is exposed to the elements.

The affair partner must be completely and permanently removed from
the relationship in the same way the tree must be removed from the
roof. It's a horribly difficult and painful process. Often the affair
partner has been a long time friend of one or both spouses. The loss
of the friendship and the betrayal that is felt is heart wrenching,
no matter what leg of the triangle one is on. But a friendship that
has intruded into the intimate structure of a marriage can no longer
be considered a friendship. Boundaries have been breached, and there
is no way to return to a state of innocence. None of the needed
repair work to the marriage can begin until this step is complete.
Intermittently ending and resuming contact with an affair partner
creates the same kind of damage as picking the tree up off the roof
and dropping it back on again – it creates larger holes and more
damage.

Once the affair partner is no longer in the picture, the hard work of
repair can begin. First and foremost the gaping holes left by the
affair must be mended. Depending on the length of the affair and how
far into the emotional bonding of the marriage the affair partner was
allowed to intrude, repair work could be replacement of the entire
roof or simply a minimal patch job. The longer the affair, with the
marriage being exposed to the damage of wind and rain, the more
repair will be needed. The holes left by infidelity are things such
as damaged trust, resentment, the inevitable withdrawal felt by the
straying spouse when the affair ends, and stress on the underlying
structure of the marriage.

Marriages rarely end in divorce due to the affair itself. But failure
to repair the damage from the affair will almost without fail lead to
complete destruction of the marriage. Marriages end because there
the gaping holes remaining which continue to expose the relationship
to more harm. Some couples can do the repair work themselves. These
are the calmly methodical sorts who can read about the necessary
measures and implement them in without becoming bogged down in the
emotional tug of war recovery always entails. For most couples, as
with homeowners, hiring a professional is indispensable in making
sure the repairs are done well and in a timely manner.

As the holes are patched, the shingles replaced, and the structure
found to be intact attention can once again be turned to the problems
which existed before the tree made its untimely entrance into the
lives of the homeowners. Those issues and conflicts may have become
larger or more serious because of the damaged caused either directly
or indirectly by the crisis of the storm – that's the nature of
destructive events; they have far reaching consequences. Time,
patience, persistence, and good professional help can make all the
difference in repairing a storm damaged home or healing a marriage
torn apart by an affair.

Wishing you clear skies…
Penny

Musing on Marriage(tm) R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Respect, gratitude, admiration, appreciation…. We all need it in some
form or another, and in intimate relationships the craving to be seen
as someone special can make or break the relationship. Shirley Glass,
the late expert and researcher on infidelity, talked about the
powerful attraction of seeing oneself reflected in the eyes of
another in a way that showed that self as attractive, desirable,
adored human beings.

I love movies in general and particularly as a way to see human
dynamics at work. I've been known to suggest viewing films as diverse
as "Winnie the Pooh" and "Miracle" in order to highlight something
we've talked about in a coaching session. Recently I've been
suggesting love stories where the chemistry is good and asking that
special attention be given to the way people look at one another when
attraction is in the air.

There are lots of things that we talk about as needs in marriage.
Conversation, sex, engagement in the marriage, commitment, money,
help with the home, parenting. All of these are things that we choose
to give to our partner of our own free will. Certainly a partner who
is meeting needs for us as well and who is avoiding hurting us in the
process is likely to make us more motivated to meet those needs, but
we can (if we choose) meet those needs regardless of how our mate is
acting.

The same cannot be said of honor or esteem – the acting out of
respect. Meeting that need requires that our mate be or do something
to earn our estimation. It's a concept we understand well in business
and even in other personal relationships. If we want someone to think
(and act as if ) we're pretty cool, then our actions need to be
congruent with the respect we desire.

For example, most of us would not expect glowing reviews and daily
pats on the back from our boss if we spent the greater part of each
day surfing the net, playing solitaire, or chatting up our coworkers
at the water cooler. We don't expect teachers to hand out A's and B's
to students who consistently lose their homework to the "dog," blow
off tests, or sleep through class. We don't vote for public officials
whose record of achievements is spotty or who have betrayed the
public trust with unethical acts. Nor do we opt for the second date
with someone who shows up late, dresses like they're ready to do
garden work, behaves rudely, and ignores for the greater part of our
time together. We don't admire people whose actions and behaviors do
not engender our respect.

Somehow that understanding of what it takes to be admired disappears
when romance enters the picture. If it the outcome wasn't so
important I would be tempted to laugh out loud and the sheer
disbelief at some of the things I hear. Husbands and wives who bend
over backwards to excel at parenting, their career, or other aspects
of their lives seem to believe that marriage requires little or no
effort on their part. And, that their spouse should show them
appreciation, admiration, and esteem simply because they're there.

Respect, the pre-requisite for honor and esteem – for that look of
delight in the eyes of a partner – must be earned. These are a few
actions guaranteed to make sure that doesn't happen:

• Coming home from work and plopping in front of the tv while
your mate takes care of the cooking and the homework
• Knowing the intricacies of setting your vcr or cable
recording device but claiming to be incapable of running the
dishwasher
• Refusing to have sex for months on end until everything in
the marriage is "just right" (it can't be "just right" without sex)
• Lack of attention to personal grooming, health and fitness
• Irritating habits - anything from smoking to knuckle
cracking to poor table manners and spending habits
• Breaking promises and commitments
• Anger, control, abuse
• Putting the job, the in-laws, the car, the yard work, the
kids' activities ahead of the marriage and your spouse

The list is, of course, endless and unique to every couple. But the
concept is the same. If you crave the admiration of your mate, if you
need to see yourself reflected in his or her eyes as someone special
and wonderful, then YOU need to act the part in order for that to
happen. In order to be respected and admired, one must first be
respectable and admirable.

All the best,
Penny

Musing on Marriage(tm) Divorce is Not the Same as Unmarried

I specialize in infidelity, so by nature the clients that I have are
under tremendous strain and anxiety. Their marriages appear to be DOA
when the find their way to my door and yet, in spite of the
appearances of death, people come to me for hope in reviving and
restoring their relationship with their mate. But eventually, almost
without fail, the day will come when my client will call me insisting
that they need to file for a divorce in order to get the straying
partner out of their life so the pain will finally stop.

As an advocate for the marriage I do what I can to encourage them to
take care of themselves, detach from what their spouse is doing, and
stay in the marriage. But the conversations that I have around that
entire topic have triggered some thoughts about marriage, divorce,
covenants, and the unmaking of such.

Marriage is a covenant. A solemn promise given with one's word of
honor. Major religions view it as such and most of us still get
married in a religious rite of some kind. The promises that we make
form something bigger than the sum of the bride and groom. A marriage
becomes a thing in and of itself, created from two but embodying a
oneness. Swirling the essences of two human beings into an energy all
its own. Intimacy in way that is unknowable until one has lived it.

If that is the case then there is more to becoming unmarried than a
simple piece of paper signed by a judge and filed with the county
court. A divorce decree can sever the legal commitment and
attachment. Property and assets can be divided up in a way that is
cut and dried – finalized with a few transactions and a couple of
signatures. But a marriage is more than a legal contract. If it were
not then we would not see the outpouring of political action on the
part of the gay and lesbian communities asking to be granted the
right to marry.

Becoming unmarried means taking apart the covenant. Reclaiming one's
own energy and giving back that of the former mate. That's not so
easy to do when a marriage ends with anger, hurt, recriminations or
just plain sadness, as most do. Becoming unmarried means detaching
emotionally, physically, and spiritually from the spouse. If there
are children involved it becomes virtually impossible to achieve all
three of those layers of detachment. Physical attachment will linger
as long as the children live. Emotional attachment goes very deep
even in the most painful relationships and we carry that attachment
with us beyond the untying of the legal bond. Spiritual attachment…
ahhh…. that is the heart of the covenant and the hardest to undo. I'm
not sure it's possible for most people to achieve.

When we are hurting in our marriages, like anywhere else, it is only
natural that we look for a way to escape the pain. Society paints
divorce as a somewhat unpleasant but generally easy way out of
marital difficulty. It's not. There is no easy way out. The dynamics
we have created with our spouses rarely change once the piece of
paper is filed at the courthouse. Couples still argue over the care
of the children, still obsess about the affair partner and the
relationship the former spouse has with them, still need to negotiate
about holidays and family events. Divorce does not remove the
connection from our hearts or our lives.

The only things that change when a divorce is finalized are a few
financial details and perhaps where each person lives. That's it. The
pain, the loss, the frustration, the ongoing dealings with that
person remains much the same until we undo the covenant. Achieving
that requires difficult internal personal work and a shift in
consciousness. Probably as much or more work than staying in the
marriage. Interesting thought, staying in the marriage……….

Penny

Musing on Marriage(tm) Keep Your Eyes on the Road Ahead

Where Are Your Eyes?

My mom is a professional musician. I grew up surrounded by the
classics and by a variety of music that was popular in the 50's - the
time when my mom was a teenager and young adult. We played musical
games at the dinner table, name that tune and name that rhythm. For
as long as I can remember she sang to us and once we could sing along
she would harmonize with our renditions of the melody. So, when I was
thinking about what I wanted to write for today's Musing a song from
my childhood memories immediately began to play in my head.

"All together now - one, two, three,
Keep your mind on your driving,
Keep your hands on the wheel,
Keep your snoopy eyes on the road ahead"
(Paul Evens and The Curls – Sittin in the Backseat 1959)

And that's what I want to talk about – where are your eyes and your
energy focused? When our marriages are struggling and we're working
hard to learn new skills it's so easy to get caught up in what has
gone before. We obsess about and rehash the months and years and all
the past transgressions of our spouse. And we base our current
actions on our memories of the past. Which in turn feeds the
likelihood of the outcome in the present isn't going to look a whole
lot different than the very past we are trying to escape.

But here is something that I'd like you to tattoo on your left hand,
post on your refrigerator or write in lipstick on your bathroom
mirror:

If your marriage is unhappy in the present it is not because of what
has happened in the past, it is because of the choices you are making
today.

I can't change the past, and unless you have a time machine hidden in
your basement, neither can you. All the talking and rehashing will
not make the painful events of the past any less so. And although we
can intellectually recognize that those things happened long ago,
when we talk about them in the present the feelings they evoke are
very real and very much in the present. So that puts us in the
untenable position of feeling painful emotions about something which
cannot be changed.

If our thoughts are focused on the idea that our marriage is
terrible, because it has been so in the past (or in the past week)
then that is what will take on larger than life proportions in our
reality. I'm not suggesting that you pretend that everything is rosy
and ignore the difficult issues that need to be addressed. I am
suggesting that remaining in the present and addressing conflicts
based on what is happening right now is the first step in crafting a
fulfilling and satisfying future.

I can hear you saying – "But our sex life/finances/in-laws/careers
have been a problem for years they're not just in the present." I'm
not arguing with that statement. I'm suggesting that if your sex life
or finances or issues with family or career or anything else is not
working for you it's because you are making choices RIGHT NOW that
are not in the best interest of you, your spouse and your marriage.
We can't change the poor choices and hurt feelings of the past; we
can change direction in the present and build a brighter future.

Keep Your Eyes on the Road Ahead,

Penny

Musing on Marriage(tm) So Did You Mean It When You Said

"For better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or
poorer, til death us do part."

Most of us said something very like that when we took our wedding
vows. And most of us took those vows in front of family, friends, and
a representative of our God in our faith community. And not only did
we say those things in that manner, but we spent an awful lot of
time, effort, and money getting to the moment when we did so.

A wedding is a lot of beautiful ritual and tradition – not to mention
yards of lace and tulle, bushels of flowers, and layers of cakes –
with one thing being the defining center which ties it all together.
The vows. Those few words about sickness and health, better or worse.
So I'm wondering. Did you mean it?

When all was said and done, the dress bought, the cake baked, the tux
fitted and the DJ hired – did you mean it? The part about sickness
and health, better or worse? How about the richer or poorer part?

Every week at least one client, and usually several more than that,
tells me that they just can't do it anymore, that they have to file
for divorce. It could be that they've discovered their spouse is
addicted to drugs or gambling. It might be that he or she is
oblivious to my client's needs in the marriage. And, because I
specialize in infidelity it is often because the spouse is having an
affair and the pain is tearing the heart out of my client, the
person they once vowed to love and honor and cherish, forsaking all
others.

Whatever the cause of the pain, it is very real and very heart
wrenching. This is when the chips are down and we see what it is we
are made of. Hardship is no joke and our natural instinct as humans
is to survive – to remove ourselves from the pain and the threat it
makes to our happiness and security. Run! Get out! Save yourself! Our
emotions and our instincts give us a hearty push and our friends and
family are not far behind.

If being married was easy, there would be no reason for taking vows.
Vows are something we take in order to show our commitment to some
aspect of life that is difficult to perform or carry out. Vows are
promises that show our determination to go against the flow when it
seems going with the flow is the only option available. Remaining
true to our vows in the face of pain and tragedy is what makes us
fully responsible adults in a world that lauds irresponsibility.
Staying faithful to promises we made forges the steel in our souls.

"But she isn't honoring her promises." "He never treated me with
honor and now he's living with someone else." "I have a right to end
this marriage because of what he has done to me." Funny thing about
the promises we make at weddings – they really aren't about what the
other person does or does not do. Our wedding vows are all about us
and our commitment to the marriage. A commitment that is explicitly
stated to be not only in times of joy and laughter but in the deepest
darkest moments of our lives. A commitment to stick it out come hell
or high water regardless of the pain and suffering. Til death us do
part.

I also know that there comes a time when we need to concede defeat.
When the courts and the legal system cannot be fought or when it
truly happens that the marriage cannot be saved. But these are
decisions that should me made in the cold light of rationality after
every option has been tried and has failed. And I would say that
includes at least a year of separation and no contact before coming
to that decision.

I know that many of you are suffering and fighting against seemingly
insurmountable odds in your marriage right now. It seems that the
easy and perhaps only way out is to end the marriage. It seems
incredibly unfair to watch the days and the months go by wondering
when you will have a life again. It is for moments such as these that
you spoke those words and sealed your promise of commitment in front
of witnesses. So I just have to ask one more time, did you mean it?

All the best,
Penny