Musing on Marriage(tm) Be the Safe Place

                                                  

Originally written for and posted at Marriage Advocates

Being the “safe place” seems to be one of the newer buzzwords for close relationships. We want to be the safe place for our kids to share their challenges, for our friends to look for support,  or for our spouse to seek haven from the struggles of the workaday world. I get that. I embrace that. We should all have safe places to open our hearts and bare our souls. Places where it is safe to be truly and authentically ourselves as we ponder and process why we’re here and what it all means. Or to just relax and restore after a long day.

Being the safe place is all about courage and compassion. The courage to relinquish the illusion of control and to let life unfold as we witness the wonder of another’s process. The compassion to observe both the frailty and divinity in another and to know both are a mirror of our own inner spark. Being the safe place is about patience. Allowing another the time and space to come to their own awakenings and realizations. The calm in the midst of chaos. The rock. The anchor. The safe harbor in the storm.

I think most of us really want to be that safe place for our mates. It is a lofty and valid goal for any relationship, especially in marriage. But I was completely taken aback a few weeks ago when I heard someone say she wanted to be the safe place for her spouse during his affair.

The betrayal of infidelity affects every part of the marital relationship and turns it on its head. For years I’ve thought I should write a Musing titled, “If It Feels Wrong Do It” because almost every action we need to take while our partner is having an affair is completely counter-intuitive, counter to what we think a good partner would do, and counter-emotional. That includes being the safe place.

As a couple we create a team. We work together, make decisions together, consult each other, and create the vehicle for a shared vision. Team Marriage. When one partner is having an affair Team Marriage disappears. The co-creation of a stable and secure life together - where we stand shoulder to shoulder –  is no longer a reality. There is no team.

While the straying partner may not admit it upfront, by the time the affair is outed the pattern of acting contrary to the team is already well established. Emotional intimacy is directed from the spouse and family to an outsider. Financial resources are routed elsewhere. Time is stolen. And the shared vision is transferred to someone else.

One of the hardest things for the betrayed partner to comprehend is the loss of the team. If we’re like most couples we’ve forged our partnership through dating, planning a wedding, adjusting to living together, possibly a pregnancy or pregnancies, the birth and early days of children, grown children, family drama, teenagers, job changes … through it all, the sleepless nights, laugh ‘til your sides hurt silly times, planning and executing of large and small events, we’ve been a team. Some of those times more successfully than others – but the team survives.

Until there is an affair. There is no Team Marriage when one partner is involved in betraying the marital bond.

When that happens the betrayed spouse is faced with significant and painful cognitive dissonance. The inherent trust within the marital bond is at war with information that our most trusted companion has acted in ways that are unfathomable. We want to do the things we’ve always done when the marriage is under stress – talk, offer support, understand, brainstorm, in short - be the safe place. Sadly, those tactics will rarely, if ever, work when the issue facing the marriage is infidelity.  

Instead, the faithful partner must come to terms with taking unilateral actions which the straying spouse is certain to find objectionable. The likely reaction is more distance, anger, threats, and even separation until the affair comes to an end. The pain of the affair and the confusion of the cognitive dissonance make it exceptionally challenging for the partner who wants to save the marriage to take necessary actions to protect it. Attempting to be the safe place will almost certainly result in more suffering for the betrayed partner and more damage to the marriage; it offers the straying spouse a seemingly free pass to continue their infidelity. Or, as it’s been called, having their cake and eating it too. Keeping the team alive means doing things that look an awful lot like additional damage to the marriage. 

When two people marry they create an entity, the marriage, that is larger than the sum of its parts. Each person is fully responsible for safeguarding the marriage.  Choices we are faced with when our spouse is unfaithful include things such as confronting the straying partner, exposing the affair, protecting finances, and even separation. As heartbreaking as these measures may be they are actions of integrity which honor and protect the marital vows and the bond of matrimony. Be the safe place for your marriage.

Musing On Marriage (tm) For Better or Worse

Several years ago, I wrote an article titled “So Did You Mean It When You Said,” asking if you were serious when you vowed, “For better or for worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and health,” and so forth. It remains, to this day, one of my favorite Musings on Marriage (tm).

The wedding vows, those words which create the foundation of our marriage, are so beautiful and heartfelt when we’re in love with a shared vision of an endless future together, but they seem to mock us with awful cruelty when things go terribly wrong. And, sadly, things go terribly wrong far too often.

The thing about vows and promises, covenants and pledges is that we make them for the hard times. No one needs to promise fidelity when there is no temptation. There’s no point. One promises fidelity for the day our head is turned, our heart misses a beat, and our interest, in someone who is not our spouse, is piqued. This is the day we were talking about when we said “forsaking all others”. Our vow of fidelity is far less about walking down the aisle, away from our past, than it is about taking a deep breath and walking away from temptation, without looking back. I’d further suggest that it compels us to go straight home and have a heart to heart with our mate to let him or her know there was an incoming threat.

“But she’s going to be jealous and insecure!” you say. Yup, she might.
“He’s going to be angry and accusing.” Mm hmm, also a possibility.

But here’s the thing about vows: they are not about the other person.

The vows we take are about us and how we pledge to behave. We don’t say, “forsaking all others unless you start making eyes at the tennis coach.” We don’t agree to “love, honor, and respect as long as you are nice to me.” We promise to forsake all others and love, honor, and respect – period. Vows are not conditional.

And yet…

originally written and published for Marriage Advocates -  follow the link below to continue reading

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Musing on Marriage (tm) My Grown Up Christmas List

I stumbled yesterday into a little antiques and used bookstore in the tiny town where I live. Somewhere between the books on Civil War heroes and the vintage prints at the back of the store I started to cry. In spite of all the holly jolly cheer blaring at us from every direction, there is a special kind of sadness that comes with the holidays.

Virtually all of us have experienced losses that seem to rise to the surface during the holiday season. The empty chair, the face no longer seen ‘round the hearth, the haunting scents and melodies that remind us of happier times, not to mention the increased stress we all feel this time of year.

For those in the midst of marital trauma, the holidays can bring painful to a whole new level. Partners caught in the triangle of an affair deal in heartbreak the way department stores deal in glitz, and the ordinary stresses of everyday life can get the best of us and our marriages. This drama and heartbreak can make surviving infidelity during the holidays seem an impossible task. It’s no accident that most divorce filings occur in January, but you can take steps right now to make sure you don’t become one of those statistics.  Below are some tips for navigating with grace and dignity – even, or perhaps especially – when it seems you just can’t face one more day. I call it the Grown Up Christmas List.

originally written and published for Marriage Advocates follow the link below to continue reading

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Is My Spouse Cheating? 10 Red Flags

Is My Spouse Cheating? Ten Red Flags

You're certain something isn't quite right and yet you can't put your finger on what it is. Or perhaps your spouse has become so distant you cannot seem to reach him or her. It may even be that your partner has moved out or told you that he/she is no longer in love with you. You suspect that there may be someone else and yet if you've had the courage to bring it up with your mate the suggestion has been adamantly denied. Are there signs that a

spouse is having an affair? The answer to that is yes. Be careful not to confuse signs with proof.

"I'm not in love with you anymore."
When someone tells me that his or her spouse said this, a big warning bell goes off in my head. I consider this to be one of the most consistent things unfaithful men and women say to their partners. My immediate thought is, "If s/he is not in love with you - who is s/he in love with?"

This statement suggests that a person is comparing how he or she feels about the spouse to the heady feelings of infatuation caused by an affair. Turbulently intense feelings of obsession and connectedness in the early days of relationships are caused by biochemical reactions in our brains - when this is triggered by someone outside the marriage it overrides the deeper feelings of connectedness, attachment, security, and enjoyment within the marriage. The straying partner seems to develop immediate amnesia regarding feelings for his or her spouse in the chemically induced rush or new infatuation.

"We're just friends.

Next to "I don't love you," this statement ranks as one of the most predictable statements wayward men and women make. A typical pattern is spending more and more time with a "friend" either at work or possibly at a recreational activity. This person is often described as someone who has "a lot in common" with the spouse, and who "understands" things the spouse is going through in her or her life. This could be anything from dealing with a boss or coworker to major life altering experiences. Either way, it's a warning sign

A sudden need for privacy Things that in the past were never hidden suddenly become "private". A computer becomes password protected with 1 minute of inactivity. Bank and credit card statements are redirected to a work address. Phone records disappear. Looking in a purse or wallet for something as innocent as a pen or insurance card creates an enormous scene with you being accused of snooping, invading personal space, and even attempting to control your spouse.

"I need my space to decide what to do about our relationship."

Frequently men and women who are involved with someone outside their marriage will say this as a way to ensure more privacy. A sudden desire to move out of the home (or to force you to move out!) is often an indication that there is someone else in the picture and that the spouse is seeking ways to have more freedom to come and go without question. Straying partners come up with all sorts of reasons why they need to separate from their spouse. I look at this as highly suspicious. Mitigating circumstances would include verbal or physical abuse or addiction on the part of the other spouse (you).

A change in work habits.

Working late, going in at odd hours, or putting in significantly more time can all be indications that a spouse is unfaithful. Certainly all of us are subject to increased work loads, so watch for other signs as well.

Spending a lot of time on the computer.

The ease with which one can have secret email accounts has allowed infidelity to blossom at alarming rates. Chat rooms and online dating services increase the problem exponentially. Pornography is huge business and sexual addiction is rampant. More and more women are cheating online. This goes hand in hand with a sudden need for more privacy. Social networking sites such as facebook are cited in a growing number of divorce cases.

Spending (and hiding) a lot of time on the phone, especially the cell phone.

Many affairs occur primarily on the phone or the internet. Many of us seem to be connected at the ear to our phones these days. This in itself is not suspicious but hanging up suddenly, erased call details, unavailable phone records, and defensiveness about any of those things is.

Inconsistencies in the details. Behavior that does not add up.
Not being where he or she said was expected to be. Missing time. Money that cannot be accounted for. Receipts for things which you don't have. Missing clothing. Clothing that does not belong to your family. Being caught in little lies about the details of the day.

New lingerie or other intimate items of clothing.
One of the things I get asked frequently is whether to be concerned about a sudden interest in Victoria's Secret apparel after years of big white underwear and sleeping in t-shirts. If it's not being worn for your benefit, then the answer to that is a resounding, "Yes!" On the flip side, women, be concerned about the sudden unexplained appearance of new clothes in your husband's closet. If he's a shopper and a dresser, not a concern. But if he's gone from his high school t-shirts to silk and wool and you didn't buy them for him, look for other clues. Could be that he got a promotion and now wants to dress for success - could also be that someone else is dressing him. Or undressing him.

Your fears and suspicions.
If you find yourself needing to find excuses for your spouse's behavior or needing to convince yourself that your mate would never cheat on you then that in itself is a warning sign. Your intuition about your life is frequently one of the best indicators available. If you suspect your spouse might be cheating on you, do some investigating and then confront him or her with what you've found. Do it in a way that is calm and courteous. Ask for honesty. Be prepared for lies. It is a sad fact that people having affairs become brilliant liars - people who never told a lie before in their lives. Trust your gut.

Remember, warning signs are indicators. It's up to you to stay congruent with your integrity. Double check what you think you see. Discuss your concerns with your partner. Get a second opinion from a professional who understands the dynamics of affairs.

copyright Penny R. Tupy 2003

Penny is a professional marriage coach specializing in infidelity addiction and abuse. For one on one assistance in implementing these concepts and techniques or for other marital help she can be reached at at 651.775.8302

Meditations on Marriage - The Small Things

"I long to accomplish a great and noble tasks, but it is my chief duty
to accomplish humble tasks as though they were great and noble. The
world is moved along, not only by the mighty shoves of its heroes, but
also by the aggregate of the tiny pushes of each honest worker." --
Helen Keller

~*~*~*~*~*~*

We look to the big deal in our relationships. The biggest bunch of
flowers, the exotic vacation, the expensive gift. But life is in the
small things -- and marriage most of all. The most heroic spouse is the
one who, day after day, lives his or her Values with compassion.

What humble thing can I do today with the same passion and thought
given to larger acts?

In love,

P

Meditations on Marriage - Courage

"It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure,
to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer
meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for
in movement there is life, and in change there is power." -- Alan Cohen

What, in my relationship, am I holding onto pretending it affords me
security? Where do I refuse to take a risk -- a risk that could be the
first move toward healing, laughter, joy, and love? Where am I grasping
when I could be reaching out with an open hand?

Today, let me be courageous in releasing those things that no longer
serve me or my marriage. Let me, instead, release my illusion of
security that I can be open to learning, growth, and transformation.

In love,

P

Musing on Marriage(tm) Post Election Reflection

No matter what your preference for winner, this was an historic moment
in the making. At the end of the day we would have either the first
female VP or the first African American president. Truly a day to pause
and reflect on how far we've come. Not to mention the, possibly record
making high, voter turnout (I just looked ... numbers are still coming
in and there's some debate about how to interpret them).

Yes, we can. We always could. And it was far less about who sat in the
Oval Office than it was about getting involved, being heard, and caring
more about the fate of our nation than we do about who wins the next
sports championship.

It seems to me ... if we are to reclaim and rebuild a country of
integrity, strength, and compassion ... then We The People need to step
up to the plate and do the work.

When I went to bed, immediately following Obama's acceptance speech,
popular vote was still running pretty close to 50/50. That means half of
we who voted are waking up with their dreams in the loss column this
morning. Both McCain and Obama stressed the need to come together in
unity to begin the work of healing and growing.

We, here in the healing marriages community, get this. Just as it takes
both partners joining hands and hearts and spirits to craft a marriage
of strength and fulfillment, just as it takes engagement and curiosity
and action from both partners, just as it takes the hard work of growth
and integrity to make a marriage work, so too does it take all that to
craft a nation in keeping with the vision of our founding fathers .... a
vision of freedom and responsibility never before seen in history.

So this morning, this day after the culmination of an historic race and
election, I challenge each and every one of you to look deep inside and
in the words of John Kennedy, "Ask not what your country can do for you,
ask what you can do for your country." And then do it.

Yes, we can.

P