My kids know really cool things.
Last year my son who is now a senior took an Astronomy elective. One
of the things they did was a scale model of the Solar System. Not the
kind that you make out of Styrofoam balls and wire coat hangers but a
scale model that gave them some idea of the magnitude of space and
the distances between us and our neighbors. They placed the sun in
the middle of the high school football field and then they walked for
about a block before they were far enough away to put Earth into the
model. By the time they were done mapping our planetary system they
walked a good bit of our little community.
This year one of my younger sons, a fifth grader, is learning about
the makeup of atoms and molecules. He came home one day and told me
that they too used the high school football field to demonstrate
distance, this time showing inner space. They learned that if the
center of an atom was in the middle of the football field, the first
particle to orbit the nucleus would begin its orbit at the end zone.
The lesson being that what appears to be solid matter really is
mostly empty space.
So what does all that have to do with giving thanks? Everything. No
matter where we are in our marriages and our careers and our
relationships with children, family, and friends the fact that we
exist at all is amazing beyond words.
Look at your hand, your desk, the people around you. All looking so
solid and separate. And yet, if the atoms that comprise our physical
beings are mostly empty space, then are we really as separate as we
seem? Or is the dividing line between you and me and all of creation
blur just a little?
Go outside, wherever you are – no – don't look out the window. Take
five minutes and go outside. Look at the sky. The clouds, the sun,
the snow, the rain. Check out the grass and the trees and the
buildings and the people. The animals. Breathe. Even if you are in
the middle of a major metropolitan area and the air is less than
crystal clear, breathe. We are unique in our solar system. No other
planet has just the right conditions to sustain life as we know it.
And as big as everything looks to you standing out there staring at
the sky, we are but a tiny speck of dust (much like Whoville)
whirling through icy space pulled by powers beyond our control or
comprehension.
And is it possible that this beautiful miraculous blue speck we call
home is the particle in some larger structure? What if our solar
system is an atom in a greater design?
This time of year with all the cooking and cleaning and shopping
(even if it's just for boots because the snow caught you unaware and
you trashed last year's collection in a cleaning frenzy) is
stressful. Whatever holidays you celebrate the added effort creates
anxiety. Wherever we are in our marriages it can seem doubly hard to
stay on track crafting a relationship that is fulfilling and
connected.
Tomorrow we in the US celebrate Thanksgiving. The day set aside to
call to mind the blessings of the past year, the bounty we have
harvested. I would invite you to find a moment of quiet where you can
pause and ponder the wonder of life. No matter where you are or how
terrible the struggle (and I know for many of you it is terrible)
life is a gift. If just for a moment, feel the wonder and the awe of
that miracle.
Give thanks.
Penny
Wednesday, November 26, 2003
Thursday, November 13, 2003
Musing on Marriage(tm) Popcorn
I'm really not sure where I'm going with this today. My youngest is
home with a cough and a stuffy nose and he wanted me to make him some
popcorn for a morning snack. As I was watching it spin about in the
air popper and grabbing at the first pieces out of the shoot I knew
that popcorn must have some deeper attributes and meanings to
explore. So bear with me while I play with this, under the
supervision of a coughy, sneezy, stuffy eight year old.
I wonder if we aren't all a little like popcorn. Hard and
impenetrable on the outside, but when you warm us up a little our
shells soften and we open to the world around us. Ever notice how
popcorn seeds all look alike? And yet, no two popped kernels are the
same. Like human beings they come in all sizes and shapes. Some
little, some big, some looking like they might be broken, but they
all are perfectly popcorn.
What if we carried that thought with us today? That our mate might
look cold and walled off on the outside, but might – just might,
soften and display his or her uniqueness when exposed to consistent
warmth. Being that we are all unique individuals we all come with
quirks and oddities. But many of those quirks and oddities are what
make us beautiful and wondrous.
I know there are things about your spouse which drive you insane, and
we talk about how to address those things and negotiate for change.
But when is the last time you gave any thought to his or her
uniqueness? His ability to remember any phone number he's ever
dialed? Her skill at intuitively knowing where every department is in
a large store. The fact that she can cook, supervise homework, and
plan for a major entertaining event all at the same time. His amazing
knack at seeing how something works with just a glance.
And what about the things each of you is passionate about? When was
the last time you really listened to your mate and the vast depth of
knowledge he or she has on some topic? When is the last time you took
the time to appreciate how his or her brain works? What would it take
for you to be open to letting him or her share with you some of that
energy and passion they have for their interests? Imagine the
possibilities if s/he feels safe and warm enough to open to you. You
might get a glimpse of someone really amazing.
Go home today and look at your mate as if you haven't seen him or her
in a long time. Look for the uniqueness. Look for the passion. Try a
bit of care and warmth and see if there's a shell that might soften
and allow you a glimpse of his or her inner self. Be appreciative, be
kind and be proud of this person you are married to. You are both
amazingly perfectly human and sometimes we need to just stop and call
that to mind.
Now, could you pass the salt please, the popcorn needs a little
flavor….
Penny
home with a cough and a stuffy nose and he wanted me to make him some
popcorn for a morning snack. As I was watching it spin about in the
air popper and grabbing at the first pieces out of the shoot I knew
that popcorn must have some deeper attributes and meanings to
explore. So bear with me while I play with this, under the
supervision of a coughy, sneezy, stuffy eight year old.
I wonder if we aren't all a little like popcorn. Hard and
impenetrable on the outside, but when you warm us up a little our
shells soften and we open to the world around us. Ever notice how
popcorn seeds all look alike? And yet, no two popped kernels are the
same. Like human beings they come in all sizes and shapes. Some
little, some big, some looking like they might be broken, but they
all are perfectly popcorn.
What if we carried that thought with us today? That our mate might
look cold and walled off on the outside, but might – just might,
soften and display his or her uniqueness when exposed to consistent
warmth. Being that we are all unique individuals we all come with
quirks and oddities. But many of those quirks and oddities are what
make us beautiful and wondrous.
I know there are things about your spouse which drive you insane, and
we talk about how to address those things and negotiate for change.
But when is the last time you gave any thought to his or her
uniqueness? His ability to remember any phone number he's ever
dialed? Her skill at intuitively knowing where every department is in
a large store. The fact that she can cook, supervise homework, and
plan for a major entertaining event all at the same time. His amazing
knack at seeing how something works with just a glance.
And what about the things each of you is passionate about? When was
the last time you really listened to your mate and the vast depth of
knowledge he or she has on some topic? When is the last time you took
the time to appreciate how his or her brain works? What would it take
for you to be open to letting him or her share with you some of that
energy and passion they have for their interests? Imagine the
possibilities if s/he feels safe and warm enough to open to you. You
might get a glimpse of someone really amazing.
Go home today and look at your mate as if you haven't seen him or her
in a long time. Look for the uniqueness. Look for the passion. Try a
bit of care and warmth and see if there's a shell that might soften
and allow you a glimpse of his or her inner self. Be appreciative, be
kind and be proud of this person you are married to. You are both
amazingly perfectly human and sometimes we need to just stop and call
that to mind.
Now, could you pass the salt please, the popcorn needs a little
flavor….
Penny
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
Musing on Marriage(tm) Be Present in the Present
Couples don't generally seek out help for their marriages unless they
are at the place of feeling completely lost and hopeless. By the time
that happens, one or both of them can't remember what it was like
when things were good and they have months, years and even decades of
bad feelings, resentments and hurt built up behind thick walls of
withdrawal.
When we begin to work on the marriage each person comes with a
laundry list of things that they feel badly about. Things that
happened last month or long long ago and that they are still feeling
the pain and betrayal. This is a normal human reaction. We want, we
need, to feel heard and validated. We need to know that our history
is honored and that someone cares that we are hurting.
But if we want to craft a marriage in the present and for the future
that is different than the one we had in the past, we need to let go
of those things. We need to acknowledge that those feelings hurt,
often that they hurt very much, and then we need to find a way to
move beyond that. We need to understand that in marriage there is no
evening the score, no entitlement for revenge and no balance sheet
that makes punishment an appropriate choice.
This is very evident when there has been infidelity, but I see it
with couples who have remained faithful but experienced abuse or
neglect or both. So often we spend so much time and energy focusing
on ending the affair or getting our spouse to engage in a
conversation and plan for fixing the marriage that when the day for
that finally arrives we see it as the day for vindication. "Aha!" we
think, "now we get to let our spouse know just how much they hurt us,
and we get to inflict some punishment of our own. After all, we're
entitled to a little justice after all this time."
Well, you can do that if you want. But you might want to keep in mind
that a marriage is not a court of law, and that you might get what
you feel is justice and appropriate punishment but you probably won't
be able to do that and have a happy marriage. As soon as you exact
your form of punishment your spouse, being hurt, will of course feel
the need to do so in return, creating a vicious downward spiral of
hurt and revenge – not unlike what got you to this place to begin
with.
What's the alternative? Well, as in all things marriage, it is a
counter intuitive move that leaves the past in the past. Begin with
today. Be honest with each other about how you feel regarding the
choices you each make and the lifestyle you have right now. Learn to
negotiate courteously for change. Be an advocate for your own
marriage and only accept decisions that work well for you and your
spouse at the same time. Spend time together; have fun.
Work on what is happening RIGHT NOW. Unhappy with the division of
chores? Say so! But don't bring up your frustration of who got up
with the baby in the middle of the night( the 'baby' who is now
studying for a PhD in some obscure field). Don't harp on the help you
didn't get the year the shingles blew off half the house. You can't
change that, but you can change what is going on RIGHT NOW.
Will you feel better immediately? No. It takes time to overcome the
mistakes of the past.
Will it make you feel better about those mistakes? No. Nothing can or
will. Unless you have a time machine to go backwards and change
history, there is no making the pain of the past better.
The choice you need to make is this, are you going to color your
future with the hurt of the past, or are you going to start with a
clean slate and create a picture of what you would like your marriage
to be in the future?
If you want to build a better future then you need to stop living in
the past and begin right now to behave as if the future you want is
right now. It feels awkward and it feels fake, but it is the first
phase of getting to where you want to be. We don't drive by looking
in the rearview mirror, and we don't create happy marriages in the
future by living in the past.
Penny
are at the place of feeling completely lost and hopeless. By the time
that happens, one or both of them can't remember what it was like
when things were good and they have months, years and even decades of
bad feelings, resentments and hurt built up behind thick walls of
withdrawal.
When we begin to work on the marriage each person comes with a
laundry list of things that they feel badly about. Things that
happened last month or long long ago and that they are still feeling
the pain and betrayal. This is a normal human reaction. We want, we
need, to feel heard and validated. We need to know that our history
is honored and that someone cares that we are hurting.
But if we want to craft a marriage in the present and for the future
that is different than the one we had in the past, we need to let go
of those things. We need to acknowledge that those feelings hurt,
often that they hurt very much, and then we need to find a way to
move beyond that. We need to understand that in marriage there is no
evening the score, no entitlement for revenge and no balance sheet
that makes punishment an appropriate choice.
This is very evident when there has been infidelity, but I see it
with couples who have remained faithful but experienced abuse or
neglect or both. So often we spend so much time and energy focusing
on ending the affair or getting our spouse to engage in a
conversation and plan for fixing the marriage that when the day for
that finally arrives we see it as the day for vindication. "Aha!" we
think, "now we get to let our spouse know just how much they hurt us,
and we get to inflict some punishment of our own. After all, we're
entitled to a little justice after all this time."
Well, you can do that if you want. But you might want to keep in mind
that a marriage is not a court of law, and that you might get what
you feel is justice and appropriate punishment but you probably won't
be able to do that and have a happy marriage. As soon as you exact
your form of punishment your spouse, being hurt, will of course feel
the need to do so in return, creating a vicious downward spiral of
hurt and revenge – not unlike what got you to this place to begin
with.
What's the alternative? Well, as in all things marriage, it is a
counter intuitive move that leaves the past in the past. Begin with
today. Be honest with each other about how you feel regarding the
choices you each make and the lifestyle you have right now. Learn to
negotiate courteously for change. Be an advocate for your own
marriage and only accept decisions that work well for you and your
spouse at the same time. Spend time together; have fun.
Work on what is happening RIGHT NOW. Unhappy with the division of
chores? Say so! But don't bring up your frustration of who got up
with the baby in the middle of the night( the 'baby' who is now
studying for a PhD in some obscure field). Don't harp on the help you
didn't get the year the shingles blew off half the house. You can't
change that, but you can change what is going on RIGHT NOW.
Will you feel better immediately? No. It takes time to overcome the
mistakes of the past.
Will it make you feel better about those mistakes? No. Nothing can or
will. Unless you have a time machine to go backwards and change
history, there is no making the pain of the past better.
The choice you need to make is this, are you going to color your
future with the hurt of the past, or are you going to start with a
clean slate and create a picture of what you would like your marriage
to be in the future?
If you want to build a better future then you need to stop living in
the past and begin right now to behave as if the future you want is
right now. It feels awkward and it feels fake, but it is the first
phase of getting to where you want to be. We don't drive by looking
in the rearview mirror, and we don't create happy marriages in the
future by living in the past.
Penny
Thursday, November 6, 2003
Musing on Marriage(tm) (Good) Advice in a Country Song
He said: "Just think it over, and write me a list,
"So we can figure out what we both deserve."
She hardly could believe it, that their love had come to this:
Dividing an' deciding his and hers.
But she grabbed a paper napkin, an' asked the waitress for a pen.
An' one by one, she wrote down what she wanted most from him.
"Honesty, sincerity, tenderness and trust.
"A little less time for the rest of the world,
"And more for the two of us.
"Kisses each mornin', 'I love you's' at night,
"Just like it used to be.
"The way life was when you were in love with me."
Honesty, by Rodney Atkins, ©2003
Ok, my little country music loving skeleton is out of the closet and
exposed in all its glory. But I heard this on the radio again this
morning as I was folding laundry, and really, how could I resist??
Last night was, after all, the Country Music Awards.
The number one thing I preach at my coaching clients day in and day
out is the need for honesty. Honesty is the only tool we have for
opening the door to change in our marriages. But this song speaks to
more than just that. Honesty is only the first step. If men and
women are going to find happiness and fulfillment in their marriages
then there are certain things that must happen.
You must be honest with each other. You must spend time alone
together doing things they both enjoy and connecting with each other.
You must connect on an intimate level and meet each other's emotional
needs. And what are those needs? Intimate affection, the kind that
lovers share. Connected conversation, the kind that says I enjoy
hearing what goes on in your mind. Time spent doing enjoyable things
together.
When we are dating and falling in love those things seem to come so
naturally, so easily. But when our marriages are in trouble those
seem to be the last things we want to do. We want our feelings to
change first and then we'll be willing to change how we behave. The
question then becomes something along the lines of the chicken and
the egg conundrum. Which comes first?
It seems impossible to spend time with and meet the needs of someone
whom we really don't like all that much. It seems false and awkward
and just plain wrong. We feel like a phony. And, if our marriage has
slipped that far, our spouse probably thinks we are a phony as well.
But if we don't spend time together and we don't meet each other's
needs the chasm between us seems to yawn ever wider and our hope of
bridging it erodes with each passing day.
Often I find myself wanting to get out the megaphone (too many cop
shows during my formative years) and shout – "Put down your weapons.
Back away from the sarcasm and the verbal jabs." Sometimes I spend
weeks or months just trying to negotiate a truce and restore some
level of calm. But once that is done there are still two people who
stand on the opposite sides of the canyon without any idea of how to
restore feelings of love. Most don't believe it can happen.
So what comes first the feelings or the behavior, the chicken or the
egg? We seem to think that if we can change our attitudes and our
feelings that our behavior will follow. I disagree, I believe we need
to actively change what we are doing and how we are interacting and
that given time our feelings and attitudes will catch up. My
experience has shown that if husbands and wives put down their
weapons call a truce and then begin to do the things that look like
they are a loving caring couple that love and care will eventually
grow.
Sure it feels awkward at first. So did walking and talking. So did
the first day on a new job or the first week away at college. So does
a first date. Practice makes permanent. Couples who commit to the
time and the changes needed to restore their marriage will be
rewarded time and time again. And it will feel:
"Just like it used to be.
"The way life was when you were in love with me."
Penny
"So we can figure out what we both deserve."
She hardly could believe it, that their love had come to this:
Dividing an' deciding his and hers.
But she grabbed a paper napkin, an' asked the waitress for a pen.
An' one by one, she wrote down what she wanted most from him.
"Honesty, sincerity, tenderness and trust.
"A little less time for the rest of the world,
"And more for the two of us.
"Kisses each mornin', 'I love you's' at night,
"Just like it used to be.
"The way life was when you were in love with me."
Honesty, by Rodney Atkins, ©2003
Ok, my little country music loving skeleton is out of the closet and
exposed in all its glory. But I heard this on the radio again this
morning as I was folding laundry, and really, how could I resist??
Last night was, after all, the Country Music Awards.
The number one thing I preach at my coaching clients day in and day
out is the need for honesty. Honesty is the only tool we have for
opening the door to change in our marriages. But this song speaks to
more than just that. Honesty is only the first step. If men and
women are going to find happiness and fulfillment in their marriages
then there are certain things that must happen.
You must be honest with each other. You must spend time alone
together doing things they both enjoy and connecting with each other.
You must connect on an intimate level and meet each other's emotional
needs. And what are those needs? Intimate affection, the kind that
lovers share. Connected conversation, the kind that says I enjoy
hearing what goes on in your mind. Time spent doing enjoyable things
together.
When we are dating and falling in love those things seem to come so
naturally, so easily. But when our marriages are in trouble those
seem to be the last things we want to do. We want our feelings to
change first and then we'll be willing to change how we behave. The
question then becomes something along the lines of the chicken and
the egg conundrum. Which comes first?
It seems impossible to spend time with and meet the needs of someone
whom we really don't like all that much. It seems false and awkward
and just plain wrong. We feel like a phony. And, if our marriage has
slipped that far, our spouse probably thinks we are a phony as well.
But if we don't spend time together and we don't meet each other's
needs the chasm between us seems to yawn ever wider and our hope of
bridging it erodes with each passing day.
Often I find myself wanting to get out the megaphone (too many cop
shows during my formative years) and shout – "Put down your weapons.
Back away from the sarcasm and the verbal jabs." Sometimes I spend
weeks or months just trying to negotiate a truce and restore some
level of calm. But once that is done there are still two people who
stand on the opposite sides of the canyon without any idea of how to
restore feelings of love. Most don't believe it can happen.
So what comes first the feelings or the behavior, the chicken or the
egg? We seem to think that if we can change our attitudes and our
feelings that our behavior will follow. I disagree, I believe we need
to actively change what we are doing and how we are interacting and
that given time our feelings and attitudes will catch up. My
experience has shown that if husbands and wives put down their
weapons call a truce and then begin to do the things that look like
they are a loving caring couple that love and care will eventually
grow.
Sure it feels awkward at first. So did walking and talking. So did
the first day on a new job or the first week away at college. So does
a first date. Practice makes permanent. Couples who commit to the
time and the changes needed to restore their marriage will be
rewarded time and time again. And it will feel:
"Just like it used to be.
"The way life was when you were in love with me."
Penny
Sunday, October 26, 2003
Musing on Marriage(tm) Finding the Time - Just Do It!
My teacher and mentor Dr. Willard Harley is one of the few to
actually lay out a minimum number of hours that a couple must spend
together if they are to create and maintain the feelings of romantic
love. Fifteen hours. Each week. Alone together. Although any
professional working in the marriage saving industry will agree that
spending time together in the number one thing couples MUST do if
they are to craft a happy marriage, (and this is a group that agrees
on virtually nothing else) none that I know of have been courageous
enough to quantify how much time it takes.
Harley's number, fifteen hours a week, is based on the average amount
of time couples spend together when they are having an affair. He
proposes that if we did in marriage what unfaithful couples do to
create that kind of passion outside marriage we could have exactly
the same feelings of irresistabilty.... in the marrtiage.
My own experience in my marriage and that of the couples I coach
bears this out. When we make the time and create the experience we
feel connected, loved and in love. When we don't, we lose those
feelings of connection. My belief is that marriage is a commitment
and it's not about feeling good. But the best way to ensure that the
commitment is met and that families stay together is to keep the
feelings of love alive. No couple who admits to being in love with
each other files for divorce. It just doesn't happen.
So then, how do you find that much time? Even couples that I've
worked with long term whine to me about needing to squeeze it out of
somewhere. First I think we need to look at priorites. What is the
most important thing in terms of your health, wellbeing and
happiness? What is the most important indicator of your children's
future success? First is keeping your marriage together and second is
ensuring that it is happy. It follows that if that's what's most
important and that time together is the road to intimacy, then
finding the time must take priority.
Take out your calculator and let's break down the week. Seven days
times twenty four hours a day gives us 168 hours each week. Subtract
eight hours a day for sleeping and we are left with 112. I'll give
you sixty for work and commuting, that leaves 52. Let's say you need
another twenty for eating, dressing and personal care (that's four a
day!!) and you still are left with 32 hours.
Now I'm sure you have all kinds of things that you think are
necessary. The Monday night bowling league (or dare I say,
football??), the once a month meeting at the school, and the other
once a month volunteer commitment you have, and the scout meeting,
and the kids' sports activities. I have four boys still at home. I
know how much time it takes just to keep up with the notes from
school. But I challenge you to tell me which of those things is as
important to your overall wellbeing and that of your children as is
having a happy and fulfilling marriage.
We live in an instant society. Marriage is not instant. It takes time
to craft and protect the relationship and the connection we have to
each other. No matter what the urgency, there is nothing you have on
your calendar or wish list right now that is more important than time
alone with your mate.
Just Do It.
Penny
actually lay out a minimum number of hours that a couple must spend
together if they are to create and maintain the feelings of romantic
love. Fifteen hours. Each week. Alone together. Although any
professional working in the marriage saving industry will agree that
spending time together in the number one thing couples MUST do if
they are to craft a happy marriage, (and this is a group that agrees
on virtually nothing else) none that I know of have been courageous
enough to quantify how much time it takes.
Harley's number, fifteen hours a week, is based on the average amount
of time couples spend together when they are having an affair. He
proposes that if we did in marriage what unfaithful couples do to
create that kind of passion outside marriage we could have exactly
the same feelings of irresistabilty.... in the marrtiage.
My own experience in my marriage and that of the couples I coach
bears this out. When we make the time and create the experience we
feel connected, loved and in love. When we don't, we lose those
feelings of connection. My belief is that marriage is a commitment
and it's not about feeling good. But the best way to ensure that the
commitment is met and that families stay together is to keep the
feelings of love alive. No couple who admits to being in love with
each other files for divorce. It just doesn't happen.
So then, how do you find that much time? Even couples that I've
worked with long term whine to me about needing to squeeze it out of
somewhere. First I think we need to look at priorites. What is the
most important thing in terms of your health, wellbeing and
happiness? What is the most important indicator of your children's
future success? First is keeping your marriage together and second is
ensuring that it is happy. It follows that if that's what's most
important and that time together is the road to intimacy, then
finding the time must take priority.
Take out your calculator and let's break down the week. Seven days
times twenty four hours a day gives us 168 hours each week. Subtract
eight hours a day for sleeping and we are left with 112. I'll give
you sixty for work and commuting, that leaves 52. Let's say you need
another twenty for eating, dressing and personal care (that's four a
day!!) and you still are left with 32 hours.
Now I'm sure you have all kinds of things that you think are
necessary. The Monday night bowling league (or dare I say,
football??), the once a month meeting at the school, and the other
once a month volunteer commitment you have, and the scout meeting,
and the kids' sports activities. I have four boys still at home. I
know how much time it takes just to keep up with the notes from
school. But I challenge you to tell me which of those things is as
important to your overall wellbeing and that of your children as is
having a happy and fulfilling marriage.
We live in an instant society. Marriage is not instant. It takes time
to craft and protect the relationship and the connection we have to
each other. No matter what the urgency, there is nothing you have on
your calendar or wish list right now that is more important than time
alone with your mate.
Just Do It.
Penny
Saturday, October 25, 2003
Musing on Marriage(tm) Lose the Guilt!
It's interesting to me that we have little compunction about
expecting our spouse to do things for us or in the manner that we
prefer, regardless of how they feel about it, and yet we get queasy
at the idea of vetoing an idea that we don't particularly care for
because it might make our mate feel bad. On the one side of the
equation we don't care if they feel bad as long as we get what we
want and on the flip side we tremble at the possibility that they
might feel the tiniest resentment at the possibility of not having
things their way.
The see saw effect. The I-win/you-lose, you-win/I-lose swinging back
and forth with each partner keeping score and both certain they are
getting the short end of the stick.
We all recall with ease the times we gave in and did something or
went along with something that was in some way objectionable. We have
a much harder time calling to mind the times when our mate did the
same. In fact, we're probably likely to say that he or she always
gets their way and we are always the one to give in.
If marriage was nothing more than a profit and loss statement, this
method might work. We could chart out our days on a spreadsheet and
keep an accurate record of who got what when. But it's not. Life is
not an accounting program and love doesn't fit neatly into a
spreadsheet. It is complicated by the fact that we feel. And how we
feel about our spouse is directly related to his or her behavior. So
that means, if we give in and agree to things which are
objectionable or offensive to us in one way or another, eventually we
won't like our partner all that much at all.
And if we don't like him or her, we're probably going to get to the
point where we really don't care how he or she feels. And when we get
to that point we're going to do all kinds of things that make him or
her feel bad. The only effective way to guard against that happening
is to speak up and not give in on the things we don't care for. In
other words, lose the guilt.
Much of what we need to do if our marriages are to be successful is
counter intuitive. Our emotions beg us to do anything to make our
spouse feel good. Until the resentment hits. And then our instincts
urge us to lash out and either demand a quid pro quo sacrifice or to
withdraw. None of that is conducive to crafting a harmonious and
joyful relationship. We do that by Living in the Center.
The Center is that place between instinct and emotion. The place
where we explore what our partner wants and needs, compare that to
our own feelings and desires and then work to find a solution that
takes both those things into account. To do this well, we need to be
aware of the guilt we're likely to experience the first several times
we need to deny a request, and to recognize that it is in our
spouse's best interest to protect the feelings we have for him or her
by not acquiescing to their every desire.
In the end, it's not a whole lot different than the hard choices we
need to make as parents. We are often faced with vetoing a request
from our children. The only real difference is that our spouse is not
a child but an equal partner in the marriage. That being the case we
need to make an important distinction. When we tell our spouse that
something doesn't work for us and that we wouldn't be all that happy
with a particular choice, we are not denying permission. As adults we
have the right to choose to do whatever we like. Instead we are
simply being honest about how we would feel and asking that those
feelings be taken into account when decisions are made.
If there is any guilt to be felt in this equation, it would seem to
me to belong with the partner who knowingly ignores the other's
feelings or who isn't honest about how they feel in the first place.
All the best,
Penny
expecting our spouse to do things for us or in the manner that we
prefer, regardless of how they feel about it, and yet we get queasy
at the idea of vetoing an idea that we don't particularly care for
because it might make our mate feel bad. On the one side of the
equation we don't care if they feel bad as long as we get what we
want and on the flip side we tremble at the possibility that they
might feel the tiniest resentment at the possibility of not having
things their way.
The see saw effect. The I-win/you-lose, you-win/I-lose swinging back
and forth with each partner keeping score and both certain they are
getting the short end of the stick.
We all recall with ease the times we gave in and did something or
went along with something that was in some way objectionable. We have
a much harder time calling to mind the times when our mate did the
same. In fact, we're probably likely to say that he or she always
gets their way and we are always the one to give in.
If marriage was nothing more than a profit and loss statement, this
method might work. We could chart out our days on a spreadsheet and
keep an accurate record of who got what when. But it's not. Life is
not an accounting program and love doesn't fit neatly into a
spreadsheet. It is complicated by the fact that we feel. And how we
feel about our spouse is directly related to his or her behavior. So
that means, if we give in and agree to things which are
objectionable or offensive to us in one way or another, eventually we
won't like our partner all that much at all.
And if we don't like him or her, we're probably going to get to the
point where we really don't care how he or she feels. And when we get
to that point we're going to do all kinds of things that make him or
her feel bad. The only effective way to guard against that happening
is to speak up and not give in on the things we don't care for. In
other words, lose the guilt.
Much of what we need to do if our marriages are to be successful is
counter intuitive. Our emotions beg us to do anything to make our
spouse feel good. Until the resentment hits. And then our instincts
urge us to lash out and either demand a quid pro quo sacrifice or to
withdraw. None of that is conducive to crafting a harmonious and
joyful relationship. We do that by Living in the Center.
The Center is that place between instinct and emotion. The place
where we explore what our partner wants and needs, compare that to
our own feelings and desires and then work to find a solution that
takes both those things into account. To do this well, we need to be
aware of the guilt we're likely to experience the first several times
we need to deny a request, and to recognize that it is in our
spouse's best interest to protect the feelings we have for him or her
by not acquiescing to their every desire.
In the end, it's not a whole lot different than the hard choices we
need to make as parents. We are often faced with vetoing a request
from our children. The only real difference is that our spouse is not
a child but an equal partner in the marriage. That being the case we
need to make an important distinction. When we tell our spouse that
something doesn't work for us and that we wouldn't be all that happy
with a particular choice, we are not denying permission. As adults we
have the right to choose to do whatever we like. Instead we are
simply being honest about how we would feel and asking that those
feelings be taken into account when decisions are made.
If there is any guilt to be felt in this equation, it would seem to
me to belong with the partner who knowingly ignores the other's
feelings or who isn't honest about how they feel in the first place.
All the best,
Penny
Friday, October 24, 2003
Musing on Marriage(tm) Stop Trying to Save Your Marriage
Over the past couple of weeks I've had similar conversations with
more than one person on the subject of trying to save a marriage. And
each time I came away troubled with the concept in general. Trying to
save your marriage? Trying? A terrible word that gives the person
permission to fail. Trying implies that you'll give it a go, but
you're not really all that committed to success and if it doesn't
work… well, you tried.
In one of the earlier Star Wars movies Luke Skywalker is deep in the
wilds of the swamp planet Dagobah working with the Jedi Master Yoda.
Yoda tell Luke to raise his crashed and sunken ship from the muck
using only the Force. Luke looks doubtful at best and replies that
he'll try. Yoda responds, "Do or do not. Never try."
Ok, so I admit I was young and impressionable when Star Wars first
hit the big screen, but those few words of wisdom spoken by Yoda have
stayed with me over the years. As I began my career and as I became
more and more interested in the field of human potential and
development this was a theme I heard over and over again. I attended
numerous seminars, workshops and training sessions on motivating for
excellence. I subscribed to more than one publication that was
devoted to effecting change in oneself or facilitating it in others.
Everywhere I went, the message was the same. Do or do not. Never try.
The phrase, "self-talk," has been big in pop psychology in the last
twenty years. One of the things we know about the human condition is
that the way we speak to ourselves and the words we use have a
powerful influence on our behavior. It's the concept behind the use
of affirmations which became very popular in the early 80's and
continues to be used effectively to create change to this day.
So where am I going with all this and how does it relate to marriage?
Here's my thought. In order to create real and lasting change in
marriage it requires not only work, but commitment. Success is
measured by results. In daily life no one really gets a lot of credit
for tying. If you tell your family that you tried to make dinner, but
no food ever appears, they are not going to grant you any big points.
If you tell your boss you tried to get to work on time but just
couldn't do it day in and day out, I would suspect you wouldn't have
a job for any length of time. Our relationship with our spouse is
much the same.
The result – the success or failure of your marriage – depends on
what you do, not on what you try. Make a commitment to do the
fearless work of crafting a marriage that is open, honest, caring,
courteous and respectful. Every moment affords you the chance to make
choices which move you closer to that goal. Just Do It.
May the Force Be With You,
Penny
more than one person on the subject of trying to save a marriage. And
each time I came away troubled with the concept in general. Trying to
save your marriage? Trying? A terrible word that gives the person
permission to fail. Trying implies that you'll give it a go, but
you're not really all that committed to success and if it doesn't
work… well, you tried.
In one of the earlier Star Wars movies Luke Skywalker is deep in the
wilds of the swamp planet Dagobah working with the Jedi Master Yoda.
Yoda tell Luke to raise his crashed and sunken ship from the muck
using only the Force. Luke looks doubtful at best and replies that
he'll try. Yoda responds, "Do or do not. Never try."
Ok, so I admit I was young and impressionable when Star Wars first
hit the big screen, but those few words of wisdom spoken by Yoda have
stayed with me over the years. As I began my career and as I became
more and more interested in the field of human potential and
development this was a theme I heard over and over again. I attended
numerous seminars, workshops and training sessions on motivating for
excellence. I subscribed to more than one publication that was
devoted to effecting change in oneself or facilitating it in others.
Everywhere I went, the message was the same. Do or do not. Never try.
The phrase, "self-talk," has been big in pop psychology in the last
twenty years. One of the things we know about the human condition is
that the way we speak to ourselves and the words we use have a
powerful influence on our behavior. It's the concept behind the use
of affirmations which became very popular in the early 80's and
continues to be used effectively to create change to this day.
So where am I going with all this and how does it relate to marriage?
Here's my thought. In order to create real and lasting change in
marriage it requires not only work, but commitment. Success is
measured by results. In daily life no one really gets a lot of credit
for tying. If you tell your family that you tried to make dinner, but
no food ever appears, they are not going to grant you any big points.
If you tell your boss you tried to get to work on time but just
couldn't do it day in and day out, I would suspect you wouldn't have
a job for any length of time. Our relationship with our spouse is
much the same.
The result – the success or failure of your marriage – depends on
what you do, not on what you try. Make a commitment to do the
fearless work of crafting a marriage that is open, honest, caring,
courteous and respectful. Every moment affords you the chance to make
choices which move you closer to that goal. Just Do It.
May the Force Be With You,
Penny
Wednesday, October 8, 2003
Musing on Marriage(tm) The Danger of Fairy Tales
Fairy Tales, or folk stories, have been part of our human existence
for time out of mind. Anthropologists tell us that the ancients made
up stories about the world around them in order to explain the
phenomena they observed. Millennia later the brothers Grimm made a
family project out of collecting the folk stories popular in small
part of the European continent put them together in a cohesive manner
and voila! the era or modern fairy tales was born. Once Disney got in
the act with all those darling animated versions the threat to
marriages was guaranteed.
Is there anyone among us who didn't grow up with tales of Snow White,
Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, and more recently for the younger crowd,
The Little Mermaid and Belle the Beauty half of Beauty and the Beast?
There's a whole week's worth of writing on the role of men and women
in relationships portrayed in those fables but that's not today's
focus. Today I want to talk about how each of those stories end.
"And they lived happily ever after. The End."
As if the wooing and winning part was all there is to creating a
relationship that works. As if once the attraction is recognized and
the obstacles overcome (evil stepparents, poison apples and tentacled
sea witches) the rest of life will take care of itself. As if happily
ever after is guaranteed. And therein lies the danger of fairy tales.
Every day in my coaching practice couples confide in me that there
must be something fatally wrong with their marriage because they
disagree on some issue. That their marriage is doomed because they
have days when they don't feel connected. That they must have married
the wrong person because things were going so well and then they had
a fight. They tell me that there is no way they can possibly get it
right with their spouse because no matter how hard they try or how
much progress they've made things are still not perfect. They don't
have "happily ever after."
Marriage is not about happily ever after. At least not in the sense
of nothing will ever intrude or cause conflict again. Life is messy.
Marriage is messy. Conflict is inevitable. It's not the conflict that
causes problems, it's how we handle the issues which are bound to
arise. Are we honest about our feelings regarding whatever the
problem might be? Are we willing to put our emotional reactions on
hold and craft a solution that works for both partners? Are we
willing to endure the discomfort of making no move until we find one
that can be supported by ourselves and our mates?
Do we really think that Cinderella, who spent her days in comfy worn
out clothes singing with the birds and chatting up the mice, was
really all that thrilled to dress in rigid haute couture and abide by
rules for royal behavior? Do we believe that Snow White's Prince
Charming welcomed not one but seven single men with odd personal
habits into their home to spend time with his new wife? Is it
possible that Sleeping Beauty's narcoleptic tendencies, not to
mention her meddling godparents, caused a little friction in their
newly wedded bliss?
Fairy Tales are fabulous stories. And if you love mythology the way I
do the older less sanitized versions are spring boards for wonderful
introspection. But defining the success of a real life flesh and
blood, perfectly human romantic relationship using the concept of
happily ever after is a recipe for failure. Happily ever after is
possible, but to achieve it you'll have to grab onto a hearty dose of
empathy, an even bigger measure of courage wrap it all up with a
sense of humor and be willing to make the right choices in the
present moment. Every moment. And if you blow it this time you pick
yourself up, dust off the debris, figure out what needs to change,
grab onto that courage and do it all again.
All the best,
Penny
for time out of mind. Anthropologists tell us that the ancients made
up stories about the world around them in order to explain the
phenomena they observed. Millennia later the brothers Grimm made a
family project out of collecting the folk stories popular in small
part of the European continent put them together in a cohesive manner
and voila! the era or modern fairy tales was born. Once Disney got in
the act with all those darling animated versions the threat to
marriages was guaranteed.
Is there anyone among us who didn't grow up with tales of Snow White,
Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, and more recently for the younger crowd,
The Little Mermaid and Belle the Beauty half of Beauty and the Beast?
There's a whole week's worth of writing on the role of men and women
in relationships portrayed in those fables but that's not today's
focus. Today I want to talk about how each of those stories end.
"And they lived happily ever after. The End."
As if the wooing and winning part was all there is to creating a
relationship that works. As if once the attraction is recognized and
the obstacles overcome (evil stepparents, poison apples and tentacled
sea witches) the rest of life will take care of itself. As if happily
ever after is guaranteed. And therein lies the danger of fairy tales.
Every day in my coaching practice couples confide in me that there
must be something fatally wrong with their marriage because they
disagree on some issue. That their marriage is doomed because they
have days when they don't feel connected. That they must have married
the wrong person because things were going so well and then they had
a fight. They tell me that there is no way they can possibly get it
right with their spouse because no matter how hard they try or how
much progress they've made things are still not perfect. They don't
have "happily ever after."
Marriage is not about happily ever after. At least not in the sense
of nothing will ever intrude or cause conflict again. Life is messy.
Marriage is messy. Conflict is inevitable. It's not the conflict that
causes problems, it's how we handle the issues which are bound to
arise. Are we honest about our feelings regarding whatever the
problem might be? Are we willing to put our emotional reactions on
hold and craft a solution that works for both partners? Are we
willing to endure the discomfort of making no move until we find one
that can be supported by ourselves and our mates?
Do we really think that Cinderella, who spent her days in comfy worn
out clothes singing with the birds and chatting up the mice, was
really all that thrilled to dress in rigid haute couture and abide by
rules for royal behavior? Do we believe that Snow White's Prince
Charming welcomed not one but seven single men with odd personal
habits into their home to spend time with his new wife? Is it
possible that Sleeping Beauty's narcoleptic tendencies, not to
mention her meddling godparents, caused a little friction in their
newly wedded bliss?
Fairy Tales are fabulous stories. And if you love mythology the way I
do the older less sanitized versions are spring boards for wonderful
introspection. But defining the success of a real life flesh and
blood, perfectly human romantic relationship using the concept of
happily ever after is a recipe for failure. Happily ever after is
possible, but to achieve it you'll have to grab onto a hearty dose of
empathy, an even bigger measure of courage wrap it all up with a
sense of humor and be willing to make the right choices in the
present moment. Every moment. And if you blow it this time you pick
yourself up, dust off the debris, figure out what needs to change,
grab onto that courage and do it all again.
All the best,
Penny
Tuesday, October 7, 2003
Musing on Marriage(tm) If it Feels Right ... It's Probably Not
In my coaching practice I specialize in helping couples in all stages
of infidelity.
From discovery where the faithful spouse is devastated and usually
working alone with me through recovery where both spouses and I craft
a strategy to pick up the pieces left in the wake of the affair. For
as long as I've been doing this I've insisted that saving a marriage
rocked by infidelity requires that both partners do things which are
counter intuitive.
Over the last couple of years as I've added more and more non
infidelity cases to my list of clients I've come to the conclusion
that this is true of all marriages. Crafting and maintaining a happy
and fulfilling marriage requires that we check our instincts and
intuition at the door and create patterns which go against the grain.
If like me, you grew up in the seventies and eighties… a product of
the "Feel Good," and "Me," generation much less the nineties where
new age thought and getting in touch with oneself really blossomed,
the whole idea of not acting on our instincts and emotions can seem
like downright blasphemy. For the most part couples nowadays are a
product of a philosophy that puts how we feel above any other
information. If it feels right then we must do it, and if it's
awkward or uncomfortable then it must be wrong.
Unfortunately if we adopt that attitude in marriage we'll find
ourselves in a mess pretty quickly. In romantic relationships our
instincts and emotions will take us on a wild see saw ride in short
order. Instead of speaking honestly about how we feel and what we'd
like we'll pretend that everything is fine, because we don't want to
cause conflict. Or if we are to the breaking point by too much
pretending (or not enough sleep) we'll tell our spouse exactly what
they need to do and what we think of them if they don't…. neither of
which is being honest, it's simply being rude.
And heaven help our spouse if they choose to be honest and we are on
the instinct and emotion path. He or she will most likely be in for a
heft blast of defensiveness topped with enough irritable intimidation
to make them back off. None of us wants to hear that everything we do
isn't perfect; our first instinct is to defend against the idea of
change with whatever weapon is handy.
The idea of setting aside those emotions, speaking honestly and
negotiating to a solution that is good for both parties is so counter
intuitive that virtually no one does it without a serious learning
curve. Wherever you are on that learning curve, just becoming aware
of the patterns or making real progress toward change pat yourself on
the back for getting there. Marriage, like life, is a journey. This
moment offers you the option of making the best possible non
intuitive choice for creating the marriage of your dreams. If it
feels wrong, it may very well be the right thing to do.
All the best!
Penny
of infidelity.
From discovery where the faithful spouse is devastated and usually
working alone with me through recovery where both spouses and I craft
a strategy to pick up the pieces left in the wake of the affair. For
as long as I've been doing this I've insisted that saving a marriage
rocked by infidelity requires that both partners do things which are
counter intuitive.
Over the last couple of years as I've added more and more non
infidelity cases to my list of clients I've come to the conclusion
that this is true of all marriages. Crafting and maintaining a happy
and fulfilling marriage requires that we check our instincts and
intuition at the door and create patterns which go against the grain.
If like me, you grew up in the seventies and eighties… a product of
the "Feel Good," and "Me," generation much less the nineties where
new age thought and getting in touch with oneself really blossomed,
the whole idea of not acting on our instincts and emotions can seem
like downright blasphemy. For the most part couples nowadays are a
product of a philosophy that puts how we feel above any other
information. If it feels right then we must do it, and if it's
awkward or uncomfortable then it must be wrong.
Unfortunately if we adopt that attitude in marriage we'll find
ourselves in a mess pretty quickly. In romantic relationships our
instincts and emotions will take us on a wild see saw ride in short
order. Instead of speaking honestly about how we feel and what we'd
like we'll pretend that everything is fine, because we don't want to
cause conflict. Or if we are to the breaking point by too much
pretending (or not enough sleep) we'll tell our spouse exactly what
they need to do and what we think of them if they don't…. neither of
which is being honest, it's simply being rude.
And heaven help our spouse if they choose to be honest and we are on
the instinct and emotion path. He or she will most likely be in for a
heft blast of defensiveness topped with enough irritable intimidation
to make them back off. None of us wants to hear that everything we do
isn't perfect; our first instinct is to defend against the idea of
change with whatever weapon is handy.
The idea of setting aside those emotions, speaking honestly and
negotiating to a solution that is good for both parties is so counter
intuitive that virtually no one does it without a serious learning
curve. Wherever you are on that learning curve, just becoming aware
of the patterns or making real progress toward change pat yourself on
the back for getting there. Marriage, like life, is a journey. This
moment offers you the option of making the best possible non
intuitive choice for creating the marriage of your dreams. If it
feels wrong, it may very well be the right thing to do.
All the best!
Penny
Sunday, October 5, 2003
Musing on Marriage(tm) Married and Alone
Couples. Everywhere. The world seems to be made of pairs and they are
all around us. That's great if we are part of a twosome ourselves,
but sadly it isn't always the case. Sometimes even the staunchest
supporters of marriage and those of us most wanting to be married
find ourselves alone. And then the coupleness of the world at large
seems to be a cruel joke played out before out eyes.
In my coaching practice I most often deal with husbands and wives who
are alone due to the infidelity of their spouse. Perhaps the straying
partner has initiated a separation to be with the affair partner or
the faithful spouse has separated to protect themselves from further
pain. Sometimes a husband or wife who has been unhappy for years
chooses to take a break from further neglect and separates. And of
course there are instances of abuse where safety dictates that the
abused spouse separate for safety reasons. In between those are a
host of other causes for married aloneness, but the result is the
same. Married. Alone.
Unlike death, married aloneness leaves you in a nowhere land of being
committed to a partner who is not present. Such a state rules out
dating and other activities that could threaten your continuing
commitment to the marriage and your partner. And unlike death, there
is no closure. There is the constant wondering, waiting and weighing
of every decision you make, every action you contemplate. In short,
you obsess. And you hurt.
The natural instinct is to worry and fret behind the scenes. To call
your friends and family for updates on what your spouse might be
doing. To drive by where they work or their new living quarters. To
show them that you are changing and improving…. Without really
showing them… passively staying in view with a, "Look at what your
missing," sort of energy. All of those things are normal instincts.
But as we talk about daily, the things we need to do to craft a
successful marriage or repair one that is wounded are counter
intuitive. If we follow our instincts in almost any marital pursuit
we'll be going down the wrong path. Being a married alone is not any
different. Instead of holding on so tightly, this is the time to
detach. Not from the marriage and not from your spouse, but from the
situation which has led to the separation. Hold tight to the desire
for a strong and healthy relationship with your mate. Wrap it up, put
it in a safe place in your heart, and then move on.
Take a class. Reinvest in a former hobby or explore possibilities of
new ones. Volunteer somewhere. Nothing helps revive the heart and
revitalize the soul as does the satisfaction of helping someone else
in need. Put some energy into friendships that might have grown
stale. Read a book that `s purely entertainment and has nothing to
say about marriage an relationships. Get out of the house. Join a spa
or health club. Get a new hairstyle. Make something with your own
hands. Write a book or a short story. Get a life!! The only caveat is
that friends be same sex and advocates for your marriage.
Moving on will not hamper your efforts to save the marriage once your
spouse decides to reconsider the marriage. On the contrary doing so
will reenergize you and speed the healing process. You will be
calmer, more centered, and feel better about yourself, all of which
make you a better partner in any relationship. Worried that he or she
won't like the changes you're making? Don't be, it's all negotiable
when the time for reconciliation occurs.
What's the first step? Get out of your usual rut. Instead of staying
home and trying to break into his email, why not call a friend and go
to a movie. Rather than writing long painful essays in your journal
about how much you miss her, why not get out the hammer and saw and
do a little work on the deck. And best of all, take some time to
really be with your kids if you can. They need you now more than
ever. Go to a park, read a story, play a game. This kind of comfort
will reap benefits for years to come.
All the best!
Penny
Today's Musing on Marriage is dedicated to the memory of Shirley
Glass. Ms. Glass was a well known and widely respected psychologist
and researcher who spent her career redefining the therapeutic
community's understanding of infidelity, as well as helping countless
couples to heal through her clinical work and her writings. Ms.
Glass' research was impeccable and far reaching and the conclusions
she put forth affect our understanding of the dynamics of infidelity
and the steps needed for recovery. Her passing on October 8th of this
year leaves a gaping hole in the world of those working to repair and
heal marriages everywhere.
She will be missed.
all around us. That's great if we are part of a twosome ourselves,
but sadly it isn't always the case. Sometimes even the staunchest
supporters of marriage and those of us most wanting to be married
find ourselves alone. And then the coupleness of the world at large
seems to be a cruel joke played out before out eyes.
In my coaching practice I most often deal with husbands and wives who
are alone due to the infidelity of their spouse. Perhaps the straying
partner has initiated a separation to be with the affair partner or
the faithful spouse has separated to protect themselves from further
pain. Sometimes a husband or wife who has been unhappy for years
chooses to take a break from further neglect and separates. And of
course there are instances of abuse where safety dictates that the
abused spouse separate for safety reasons. In between those are a
host of other causes for married aloneness, but the result is the
same. Married. Alone.
Unlike death, married aloneness leaves you in a nowhere land of being
committed to a partner who is not present. Such a state rules out
dating and other activities that could threaten your continuing
commitment to the marriage and your partner. And unlike death, there
is no closure. There is the constant wondering, waiting and weighing
of every decision you make, every action you contemplate. In short,
you obsess. And you hurt.
The natural instinct is to worry and fret behind the scenes. To call
your friends and family for updates on what your spouse might be
doing. To drive by where they work or their new living quarters. To
show them that you are changing and improving…. Without really
showing them… passively staying in view with a, "Look at what your
missing," sort of energy. All of those things are normal instincts.
But as we talk about daily, the things we need to do to craft a
successful marriage or repair one that is wounded are counter
intuitive. If we follow our instincts in almost any marital pursuit
we'll be going down the wrong path. Being a married alone is not any
different. Instead of holding on so tightly, this is the time to
detach. Not from the marriage and not from your spouse, but from the
situation which has led to the separation. Hold tight to the desire
for a strong and healthy relationship with your mate. Wrap it up, put
it in a safe place in your heart, and then move on.
Take a class. Reinvest in a former hobby or explore possibilities of
new ones. Volunteer somewhere. Nothing helps revive the heart and
revitalize the soul as does the satisfaction of helping someone else
in need. Put some energy into friendships that might have grown
stale. Read a book that `s purely entertainment and has nothing to
say about marriage an relationships. Get out of the house. Join a spa
or health club. Get a new hairstyle. Make something with your own
hands. Write a book or a short story. Get a life!! The only caveat is
that friends be same sex and advocates for your marriage.
Moving on will not hamper your efforts to save the marriage once your
spouse decides to reconsider the marriage. On the contrary doing so
will reenergize you and speed the healing process. You will be
calmer, more centered, and feel better about yourself, all of which
make you a better partner in any relationship. Worried that he or she
won't like the changes you're making? Don't be, it's all negotiable
when the time for reconciliation occurs.
What's the first step? Get out of your usual rut. Instead of staying
home and trying to break into his email, why not call a friend and go
to a movie. Rather than writing long painful essays in your journal
about how much you miss her, why not get out the hammer and saw and
do a little work on the deck. And best of all, take some time to
really be with your kids if you can. They need you now more than
ever. Go to a park, read a story, play a game. This kind of comfort
will reap benefits for years to come.
All the best!
Penny
Today's Musing on Marriage is dedicated to the memory of Shirley
Glass. Ms. Glass was a well known and widely respected psychologist
and researcher who spent her career redefining the therapeutic
community's understanding of infidelity, as well as helping countless
couples to heal through her clinical work and her writings. Ms.
Glass' research was impeccable and far reaching and the conclusions
she put forth affect our understanding of the dynamics of infidelity
and the steps needed for recovery. Her passing on October 8th of this
year leaves a gaping hole in the world of those working to repair and
heal marriages everywhere.
She will be missed.
Friday, October 3, 2003
Musing on Marriage(tm) Negotiating? Leave the Emotions at Home
So if you given any thought to the process of negotiation and the
application of it in business as opposed to marriage you have no
doubt come to the place of recognizing that emotions are a big deal.
In the story I told yesterday about the disgruntled customer, the
reason my boss couldn't successfully handle the situation and was
ready to escalate to the litigation level was solely because his
emotions were in the mix. It was his business baby and his product
that were under attack, at least in his perception of things. And so
in the flight or fight mode.... he was ready to runble. Even though
doing so would have been destructive to him and to the company. I,
being a newcomer, didn't have that emotional baggage to deal with.
Well, marriage is all about emotional baggage. A romantic
relationship is an emotional state and our perceptions and views are
colored by those feelings. This creates an added level to the
complexity of negotiation. If we are to really do it well, we need to
find a way to put those emotions on hold and let our intellects do
the work. Then, when we're done negotiating we can have a reality
check with our feelings to see if the solution is one that really
works for us. Until that point it is an intellectual exercise.
We've recently bought and sold property and we had to replace a
vehicle. (Blew up while on the road, but that's a story for another
day.) All of those transactions required negotiation. As an avid
observer of human behavior it is very interesting to me to watch
these things, rumble them around in my head and then tie them to what
I already know. Here's what I saw.
When you let your emotions dictate how you respond… or whether you
respond…. you lose. When you let your emotions dictate the
information you are willing to share… you lose. When you let your
emotions get in the way of exploring what the other party wants…you
lose. When you let your emotions give away too much…you lose and when
you let your emotions create a refusal to budge…you lose. Are you
seeing the same pattern I am? Emotions have no place in the
negotiating process except as valuable information that you need to
share with each other. Emotions should not be part of the exploration
and brainstorming process.
Negotiating is a cold and calculating exercise. To do it well we need
to detach from the emotional baggage we have relating to the
situation at hand. Stick to the facts. Assume that both parties are
looking for the same thing… an outcome that works well for both.
What is it I want? What is it the other person wants? What factors
influence those desires? (This is the only role feelings should play.
They are valuable information and must be taken into account.) What
would it take to get to where either of us wants to be? What haven't
we thought of? What other ideas are out there? Removing the emotion
allows you to brainstorm ideas that seem silly but which stimulate
the creative process. Removing the emotion allows you to work as a
team rather than as opponents. This is the key to negotiation.
Brainstorm ideas based on the information you gather about each other
and what you each want and need. Stay detached. Avoid letting your
personal biases get in the way of really looking at what your spouse
is saying about his or her needs and desires. Look for solutions that
would match those needs… and yours. Detach, detach, detach….. allow
your brain to search out new and uncharted ideas.
Once you do that you can bring the emotions back into the picture for
a reality check on how a potential solution will work (or not) for
you…….
Have a great weekend!
Penny
application of it in business as opposed to marriage you have no
doubt come to the place of recognizing that emotions are a big deal.
In the story I told yesterday about the disgruntled customer, the
reason my boss couldn't successfully handle the situation and was
ready to escalate to the litigation level was solely because his
emotions were in the mix. It was his business baby and his product
that were under attack, at least in his perception of things. And so
in the flight or fight mode.... he was ready to runble. Even though
doing so would have been destructive to him and to the company. I,
being a newcomer, didn't have that emotional baggage to deal with.
Well, marriage is all about emotional baggage. A romantic
relationship is an emotional state and our perceptions and views are
colored by those feelings. This creates an added level to the
complexity of negotiation. If we are to really do it well, we need to
find a way to put those emotions on hold and let our intellects do
the work. Then, when we're done negotiating we can have a reality
check with our feelings to see if the solution is one that really
works for us. Until that point it is an intellectual exercise.
We've recently bought and sold property and we had to replace a
vehicle. (Blew up while on the road, but that's a story for another
day.) All of those transactions required negotiation. As an avid
observer of human behavior it is very interesting to me to watch
these things, rumble them around in my head and then tie them to what
I already know. Here's what I saw.
When you let your emotions dictate how you respond… or whether you
respond…. you lose. When you let your emotions dictate the
information you are willing to share… you lose. When you let your
emotions get in the way of exploring what the other party wants…you
lose. When you let your emotions give away too much…you lose and when
you let your emotions create a refusal to budge…you lose. Are you
seeing the same pattern I am? Emotions have no place in the
negotiating process except as valuable information that you need to
share with each other. Emotions should not be part of the exploration
and brainstorming process.
Negotiating is a cold and calculating exercise. To do it well we need
to detach from the emotional baggage we have relating to the
situation at hand. Stick to the facts. Assume that both parties are
looking for the same thing… an outcome that works well for both.
What is it I want? What is it the other person wants? What factors
influence those desires? (This is the only role feelings should play.
They are valuable information and must be taken into account.) What
would it take to get to where either of us wants to be? What haven't
we thought of? What other ideas are out there? Removing the emotion
allows you to brainstorm ideas that seem silly but which stimulate
the creative process. Removing the emotion allows you to work as a
team rather than as opponents. This is the key to negotiation.
Brainstorm ideas based on the information you gather about each other
and what you each want and need. Stay detached. Avoid letting your
personal biases get in the way of really looking at what your spouse
is saying about his or her needs and desires. Look for solutions that
would match those needs… and yours. Detach, detach, detach….. allow
your brain to search out new and uncharted ideas.
Once you do that you can bring the emotions back into the picture for
a reality check on how a potential solution will work (or not) for
you…….
Have a great weekend!
Penny
Thursday, October 2, 2003
Musing on Marriage(tm) Negotiation
Negotiation. I love negotiation. Always have. Even as a child I would
wheel and deal and wheedle to see what it would take to get what I
wanted. Generally this was something along the lines of a ride to a
friend's or an overnight stay with Grandma but the process was always
the same. What would you (almost always my mom) need in order for
this to happen?
From the time I was ten my mom was a single parent working more than
full time to support three kids. As a teenager growing up in a home
with little financial resources I figured out pretty quickly there
was no free ride. If I wanted something that took time or money I
needed to figure out how to make it happen, and I needed to get Mom
on board with my plan. There was an awful lot of swapping cleaning
chores for permission to spend the weekend with a girlfriend, and
bigger teenage necessities (such as the every teenager's lifeline,
the stereo – with 8 track, cassette and turntable!) meant I had to
get a job. I babysat for neighbors from the time I was 12, worked at
DQ the day I turned 15, and had a full time retail job at 161/2. To
this day I can clean a bathroom from top to bottom in twelve minutes
flat and I'm willing to work as hard as I have to if the reward is
something I really want. But I drew the line at things which were
objectionable to me. There was no way I would have agreed to clean my
brothers' rooms and I refused to eat food that looked like glob.
(Every mother's number one negotiating plea… "Eat this and you can do
"
And that is the crux of the negotiation. Is the reward worth the
effort? Are you offering your partner something that is really
attractive to them? Are you getting something that warms your heart
and makes you smile? And is the trade off something that is not
offensive, objectionable or painful for either party? Are you both
happy with the outcome? My mom got her house cleaned and I got to
spend the weekend with my best friend giggling and talking about boys
and make up.
Before I hung out my Coaching shingle, I worked at a small
corporation in the Twin Cities. I was hired to design, set up and
implement the Customer Service department. Part of those duties meant
I needed to deal with former disgruntled customers who owed us lots
of money. One in particular had a nasty beef with our company. It
seems that they had received some inferior goods and that in the
transition of growth no one at our company had handled their
complaints. Product sat on their dock unusable, and they owed money
to my company, and no one was budging. By the time I was hired
(almost a year into the mess) threats of lawsuits were flying fast
and furious. Then it got dumped on my desk, with the statement
to, "Clean this up."
My boss insisted that we needed to get payment and if they threatened
to sue we would simply threaten more. Well, I thought I'd do a little
investigating first before getting attorneys involved and before bad
press about our company spread through the industry. So I called the
loudest angriest voice making the threats for our former customer.
And I listened. What happened? And then what? Where is the product
now?
Then I validated. Yes that is terrible. I can see why you would be
upset. I wouldn't be happy if I had to deal with this either. I'm
sorry no one's handled this before.
Then I asked. If I could fix this, what would it take? Is there a way
you would be willing to make payments on your balance owing for goods
you have accepted and used? What would have to happen with the
product in question? Who else do we need to get involved?
That led to a meeting with my boss and our CEO. I told them that I
could get back payment for goods received, but that we would need to
do something with the product they were declining. And that argument
over whether or not that particular batch was good was in no one's
best interest, it hadn't worked in a year, and that eating a little
of the balance was better than taking an entire loss and going to
court on top of it.
Then I went to our customer's CEO and the manager I'd spoken with
earlier. Here's what we're willing to do. Here's what we'd like. Is
there any way that can work for you?
In the end, they paid every cent of the balance on product they'd
accepted. We credited them for the rejected product, and they handled
the disposal (a large expense in itself). But that's not the end of
the story. In the weeks that followed as I continued to talk with the
first manager, the most angry and threatening of the contacts I'd
made, I convinced him to give our company another chance. (Remember,
this is after a year of threats of legal action.)
Within months they were agreeing to use us for testing new product
releases. They set out very strict quality and time requirements
placing us on probation. (Implementing the question – what would it
take?) We passed with flying colors. And the company that everyone
wrote off as lost became our biggest customer. To the tune of over a
million in sales for the first half of the year.
This is all about negotiation. And it doesn't matter if it's at home
or in the workplace, the elements are the same. What is the issue?
How does the other person feel about it? What do they need to make it
work? What are you willing to do that will work for you as well? Is
there some way to bridge any remaining gaps? Listen, validate,
offer, and look for solutions that take your needs AND the other
party's into account.
A million in sales is nothing compared to having a happy and
fulfilling marriage. What are you doing to make that a reality?
All the best!
Penny
wheel and deal and wheedle to see what it would take to get what I
wanted. Generally this was something along the lines of a ride to a
friend's or an overnight stay with Grandma but the process was always
the same. What would you (almost always my mom) need in order for
this to happen?
From the time I was ten my mom was a single parent working more than
full time to support three kids. As a teenager growing up in a home
with little financial resources I figured out pretty quickly there
was no free ride. If I wanted something that took time or money I
needed to figure out how to make it happen, and I needed to get Mom
on board with my plan. There was an awful lot of swapping cleaning
chores for permission to spend the weekend with a girlfriend, and
bigger teenage necessities (such as the every teenager's lifeline,
the stereo – with 8 track, cassette and turntable!) meant I had to
get a job. I babysat for neighbors from the time I was 12, worked at
DQ the day I turned 15, and had a full time retail job at 161/2. To
this day I can clean a bathroom from top to bottom in twelve minutes
flat and I'm willing to work as hard as I have to if the reward is
something I really want. But I drew the line at things which were
objectionable to me. There was no way I would have agreed to clean my
brothers' rooms and I refused to eat food that looked like glob.
(Every mother's number one negotiating plea… "Eat this and you can do
And that is the crux of the negotiation. Is the reward worth the
effort? Are you offering your partner something that is really
attractive to them? Are you getting something that warms your heart
and makes you smile? And is the trade off something that is not
offensive, objectionable or painful for either party? Are you both
happy with the outcome? My mom got her house cleaned and I got to
spend the weekend with my best friend giggling and talking about boys
and make up.
Before I hung out my Coaching shingle, I worked at a small
corporation in the Twin Cities. I was hired to design, set up and
implement the Customer Service department. Part of those duties meant
I needed to deal with former disgruntled customers who owed us lots
of money. One in particular had a nasty beef with our company. It
seems that they had received some inferior goods and that in the
transition of growth no one at our company had handled their
complaints. Product sat on their dock unusable, and they owed money
to my company, and no one was budging. By the time I was hired
(almost a year into the mess) threats of lawsuits were flying fast
and furious. Then it got dumped on my desk, with the statement
to, "Clean this up."
My boss insisted that we needed to get payment and if they threatened
to sue we would simply threaten more. Well, I thought I'd do a little
investigating first before getting attorneys involved and before bad
press about our company spread through the industry. So I called the
loudest angriest voice making the threats for our former customer.
And I listened. What happened? And then what? Where is the product
now?
Then I validated. Yes that is terrible. I can see why you would be
upset. I wouldn't be happy if I had to deal with this either. I'm
sorry no one's handled this before.
Then I asked. If I could fix this, what would it take? Is there a way
you would be willing to make payments on your balance owing for goods
you have accepted and used? What would have to happen with the
product in question? Who else do we need to get involved?
That led to a meeting with my boss and our CEO. I told them that I
could get back payment for goods received, but that we would need to
do something with the product they were declining. And that argument
over whether or not that particular batch was good was in no one's
best interest, it hadn't worked in a year, and that eating a little
of the balance was better than taking an entire loss and going to
court on top of it.
Then I went to our customer's CEO and the manager I'd spoken with
earlier. Here's what we're willing to do. Here's what we'd like. Is
there any way that can work for you?
In the end, they paid every cent of the balance on product they'd
accepted. We credited them for the rejected product, and they handled
the disposal (a large expense in itself). But that's not the end of
the story. In the weeks that followed as I continued to talk with the
first manager, the most angry and threatening of the contacts I'd
made, I convinced him to give our company another chance. (Remember,
this is after a year of threats of legal action.)
Within months they were agreeing to use us for testing new product
releases. They set out very strict quality and time requirements
placing us on probation. (Implementing the question – what would it
take?) We passed with flying colors. And the company that everyone
wrote off as lost became our biggest customer. To the tune of over a
million in sales for the first half of the year.
This is all about negotiation. And it doesn't matter if it's at home
or in the workplace, the elements are the same. What is the issue?
How does the other person feel about it? What do they need to make it
work? What are you willing to do that will work for you as well? Is
there some way to bridge any remaining gaps? Listen, validate,
offer, and look for solutions that take your needs AND the other
party's into account.
A million in sales is nothing compared to having a happy and
fulfilling marriage. What are you doing to make that a reality?
All the best!
Penny
Monday, September 29, 2003
Musing on Marriage(tm) Monday, Monday
Monday morning. Another back to work, back to school, back to the
same routine week. Or not. You have the power and the opportunity to
make this day different. To change the course of the week and in so
doing your life and your marriage. Beginning today.
What would it take for you to be happier, more content in your
marriage? Something you would like more of from your spouse? Maybe
something less? Something you want changed. Whatever it is the
process of getting from here to there is pretty much the same and it
begins with that internal shift we talked about last week.
No matter how much in love you are, your partner cannot read your
mind. So the first part of effecting positive change in your
marriage is (surprise!) honesty. Letting him or her know what it is
making you unhappy and asking for the specific change you desire.
"But I have been honest!" you insist. Perhaps. But let's look at
what honesty in marriage is all about. Nowhere in our society is
real honesty modeled or taught. Ohhhh…. We here rude opinions and
judgmental proclamations masquerading as honesty. Saying, "That's
not very nice," or "Get off the coach and help me," or "I can't
believe you said/did/think that." is not honesty. Expressing your
opinion about your partner's shortcomings is not honesty. It might
be a truthful reflection of your opinion, but it's not a factual
statement about anything other than the internal musings of your
brain.
Honesty is only about you. And although you can be honest about your
thoughts and opinions, they are still subjective states of mind. The
only truth you can utter without question or argument is how you
feel. To express how you feel in reaction to an event is honesty. "I
feel when ," is
an honest statement. It is all about you and your emotional reaction
to life around you.
This kind of honesty is the primary building block of creating the
marriage you desire. And once again this is about changing your
interaction in the marriage. It's not about changing your spouse.
Making honesty a habit takes awareness. It's one of those changes in
behavior that leads to the internal shift. For today, be aware.
Listen to the world around you….. do you hear honesty? Or do you
hear opinions, judgments and demands? Challenge yourself to speak
three honest statements to your spouse, "Honey, I feel when
same routine week. Or not. You have the power and the opportunity to
make this day different. To change the course of the week and in so
doing your life and your marriage. Beginning today.
What would it take for you to be happier, more content in your
marriage? Something you would like more of from your spouse? Maybe
something less? Something you want changed. Whatever it is the
process of getting from here to there is pretty much the same and it
begins with that internal shift we talked about last week.
No matter how much in love you are, your partner cannot read your
mind. So the first part of effecting positive change in your
marriage is (surprise!) honesty. Letting him or her know what it is
making you unhappy and asking for the specific change you desire.
"But I have been honest!" you insist. Perhaps. But let's look at
what honesty in marriage is all about. Nowhere in our society is
real honesty modeled or taught. Ohhhh…. We here rude opinions and
judgmental proclamations masquerading as honesty. Saying, "That's
not very nice," or "Get off the coach and help me," or "I can't
believe you said/did/think that." is not honesty. Expressing your
opinion about your partner's shortcomings is not honesty. It might
be a truthful reflection of your opinion, but it's not a factual
statement about anything other than the internal musings of your
brain.
Honesty is only about you. And although you can be honest about your
thoughts and opinions, they are still subjective states of mind. The
only truth you can utter without question or argument is how you
feel. To express how you feel in reaction to an event is honesty. "I
feel
an honest statement. It is all about you and your emotional reaction
to life around you.
This kind of honesty is the primary building block of creating the
marriage you desire. And once again this is about changing your
interaction in the marriage. It's not about changing your spouse.
Making honesty a habit takes awareness. It's one of those changes in
behavior that leads to the internal shift. For today, be aware.
Listen to the world around you….. do you hear honesty? Or do you
hear opinions, judgments and demands? Challenge yourself to speak
three honest statements to your spouse, "Honey, I feel
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