I love houses. Always have. A favorite weekend recreation is to tour
the semi annual parade of homes or to check out the newest open
models in the upscale developments around the area. During my
thirties I was an avid member of the National Trust for Historic
Preservation; my fun reading was made up of publications such
as "Early American Life" and "Preservation." I've lived in an old
house, built at the turn of the last century, and in an historic
house of a modern sort – built in the `40's with design elements
which were decades ahead of their time. For several years I had a
recreational decorating and design business. I helped restore a
Victorian, once facing condemnation, to near museum quality
standards. I've painted concrete floors to look like marble, designed
my kitchen from the walls out, and made strategic suggestions for the
structural elements of our current state of remodel. I love houses.
And in fact, when I travel to other parts of the country I am far
more likely to photograph the residential architecture than I am to
record the family on vacation. (Much to the chagrin of my children in
later years..)
So, what does this have to do with marriage? Well, I live in the
upper Midwest where Mother Nature mesmerizes us with thunderstorms,
floods, and tornadoes this time of year. Not long ago I watched a
newscast about a house that was damaged when a tree came through the
roof of a house in one of our many storms. (The man sleeping just
under the spot where the tree entered the house was unharmed but
definitely shaken!) It got me thinking about the correlation between
marriage and houses.
A marriage is much like a house. When it's new, everything is well
kept. It's clean. The roof is good, the plumbing works well, the
floors are level and unscathed. But inevitably, over time, things
begin to break down. If one owns an older or historic home there are
always things which clamor for attention – similar to a marriage
that's been neglected or damaged by thoughtless choices, independent
living and outright harmful actions. A marriage in trouble is much
like a house needing significant repair.
It could be that the plumbing needs to updated, the wiring changed
from old glass fuses to code compliant breakers, the walls may be
cracked and the floors might need to be shorn up to make them level
again. A marriage may have issues and conflicts surrounding in-laws,
money, sex, child rearing, hobbies, or even pets. Like a house that
needs significant work, those things need to be addressed in small
steps, with thoughtful planning and oodles of frustrating starts and
stops.
But what happens when a storm sends a tree crashing through the roof?
No matter what the state of the home prior to that event, all work
needs to stop and energies must be redirected toward emergency
repair. The tree needs to be carefully removed, the roof repaired and
any other structural damage investigated and repaired before work can
resume on the pre-existing conditions.
This is exactly the same dynamic that occurs in marriage when there
is infidelity. The marriage may need serious repair work in and of
itself. But once an affair sends a tree crashing through the
sheltering structure of the relationship all efforts directed at the
underlying problems take a back seat to the emergency measures
brought about by the affair itself. There's no point in attempting to
fix the cracked walls and outdated electricity in the marriage when
there is a tree protruding into the bedroom and the inner structure
is exposed to the elements.
The affair partner must be completely and permanently removed from
the relationship in the same way the tree must be removed from the
roof. It's a horribly difficult and painful process. Often the affair
partner has been a long time friend of one or both spouses. The loss
of the friendship and the betrayal that is felt is heart wrenching,
no matter what leg of the triangle one is on. But a friendship that
has intruded into the intimate structure of a marriage can no longer
be considered a friendship. Boundaries have been breached, and there
is no way to return to a state of innocence. None of the needed
repair work to the marriage can begin until this step is complete.
Intermittently ending and resuming contact with an affair partner
creates the same kind of damage as picking the tree up off the roof
and dropping it back on again – it creates larger holes and more
damage.
Once the affair partner is no longer in the picture, the hard work of
repair can begin. First and foremost the gaping holes left by the
affair must be mended. Depending on the length of the affair and how
far into the emotional bonding of the marriage the affair partner was
allowed to intrude, repair work could be replacement of the entire
roof or simply a minimal patch job. The longer the affair, with the
marriage being exposed to the damage of wind and rain, the more
repair will be needed. The holes left by infidelity are things such
as damaged trust, resentment, the inevitable withdrawal felt by the
straying spouse when the affair ends, and stress on the underlying
structure of the marriage.
Marriages rarely end in divorce due to the affair itself. But failure
to repair the damage from the affair will almost without fail lead to
complete destruction of the marriage. Marriages end because there
the gaping holes remaining which continue to expose the relationship
to more harm. Some couples can do the repair work themselves. These
are the calmly methodical sorts who can read about the necessary
measures and implement them in without becoming bogged down in the
emotional tug of war recovery always entails. For most couples, as
with homeowners, hiring a professional is indispensable in making
sure the repairs are done well and in a timely manner.
As the holes are patched, the shingles replaced, and the structure
found to be intact attention can once again be turned to the problems
which existed before the tree made its untimely entrance into the
lives of the homeowners. Those issues and conflicts may have become
larger or more serious because of the damaged caused either directly
or indirectly by the crisis of the storm – that's the nature of
destructive events; they have far reaching consequences. Time,
patience, persistence, and good professional help can make all the
difference in repairing a storm damaged home or healing a marriage
torn apart by an affair.
Wishing you clear skies…
Penny
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