Originally written for and posted at Marriage Advocates
Being the “safe place” seems to be one of the newer
buzzwords for close relationships. We want to be the safe place for our kids to
share their challenges, for our friends to look for support, or for our spouse to seek haven from the
struggles of the workaday world. I get that. I embrace that. We should all have
safe places to open our hearts and bare our souls. Places where it is safe to
be truly and authentically ourselves as we ponder and process why we’re here
and what it all means. Or to just relax and restore after a long day.
Being the safe place is all about courage and compassion.
The courage to relinquish the illusion of control and to let life unfold as we
witness the wonder of another’s process. The compassion to observe both the
frailty and divinity in another and to know both are a mirror of our own inner
spark. Being the safe place is about patience. Allowing another the time and
space to come to their own awakenings and realizations. The calm in the midst
of chaos. The rock. The anchor. The safe harbor in the storm.
I think most of us really want to be that safe place for our
mates. It is a lofty and valid goal for any relationship, especially in
marriage. But I was completely taken aback a few weeks ago when I heard someone
say she wanted to be the safe place for her spouse during his affair.
The betrayal of infidelity affects every part of the marital
relationship and turns it on its head. For years I’ve thought I should write a
Musing titled, “If It Feels Wrong Do It” because almost every action we need to
take while our partner is having an affair is completely counter-intuitive,
counter to what we think a good partner would do, and counter-emotional. That
includes being the safe place.
As a couple we create a team. We work together, make
decisions together, consult each other, and create the vehicle for a shared
vision. Team Marriage. When one partner is having an affair Team Marriage
disappears. The co-creation of a stable and secure life together - where we
stand shoulder to shoulder – is no
longer a reality. There is no team.
While the straying partner may not admit it upfront, by the
time the affair is outed the pattern of acting contrary to the team is already
well established. Emotional intimacy is directed from the spouse and family to
an outsider. Financial resources are routed elsewhere. Time is stolen. And the
shared vision is transferred to someone else.
One of the hardest things for the betrayed partner to
comprehend is the loss of the team. If we’re like most couples we’ve forged our
partnership through dating, planning a wedding, adjusting to living together,
possibly a pregnancy or pregnancies, the birth and early days of children,
grown children, family drama, teenagers, job changes … through it all, the
sleepless nights, laugh ‘til your sides hurt silly times, planning and
executing of large and small events, we’ve been a team. Some of those times
more successfully than others – but the team survives.
Until there is an affair. There is no Team Marriage when one
partner is involved in betraying the marital bond.
When that happens the betrayed spouse is faced with
significant and painful cognitive dissonance. The inherent trust within the
marital bond is at war with information that our most trusted companion has
acted in ways that are unfathomable. We want to do the things we’ve always done
when the marriage is under stress – talk, offer support, understand, brainstorm,
in short - be the safe place. Sadly, those tactics will rarely, if ever, work
when the issue facing the marriage is infidelity.
Instead, the faithful partner must come to terms with taking
unilateral actions which the straying spouse is certain to find objectionable.
The likely reaction is more distance, anger, threats, and even separation until
the affair comes to an end. The pain of the affair and the confusion of the
cognitive dissonance make it exceptionally challenging for the partner who
wants to save the marriage to take necessary actions to protect it. Attempting
to be the safe place will almost certainly result in more suffering for the
betrayed partner and more damage to the marriage; it offers the straying spouse
a seemingly free pass to continue their infidelity. Or, as it’s been called,
having their cake and eating it too. Keeping the team alive means doing things
that look an awful lot like additional damage to the marriage.
When two people marry they create an entity, the marriage,
that is larger than the sum of its parts. Each person is fully responsible for
safeguarding the marriage. Choices we
are faced with when our spouse is unfaithful include things such as confronting
the straying partner, exposing the affair, protecting finances, and even
separation. As heartbreaking as these measures may be they are actions of
integrity which honor and protect the marital vows and the bond of matrimony.
Be the safe place for your marriage.
