I specialize in infidelity, so by nature the clients that I have are
under tremendous strain and anxiety. Their marriages appear to be DOA
when the find their way to my door and yet, in spite of the
appearances of death, people come to me for hope in reviving and
restoring their relationship with their mate. But eventually, almost
without fail, the day will come when my client will call me insisting
that they need to file for a divorce in order to get the straying
partner out of their life so the pain will finally stop.
As an advocate for the marriage I do what I can to encourage them to
take care of themselves, detach from what their spouse is doing, and
stay in the marriage. But the conversations that I have around that
entire topic have triggered some thoughts about marriage, divorce,
covenants, and the unmaking of such.
Marriage is a covenant. A solemn promise given with one's word of
honor. Major religions view it as such and most of us still get
married in a religious rite of some kind. The promises that we make
form something bigger than the sum of the bride and groom. A marriage
becomes a thing in and of itself, created from two but embodying a
oneness. Swirling the essences of two human beings into an energy all
its own. Intimacy in way that is unknowable until one has lived it.
If that is the case then there is more to becoming unmarried than a
simple piece of paper signed by a judge and filed with the county
court. A divorce decree can sever the legal commitment and
attachment. Property and assets can be divided up in a way that is
cut and dried – finalized with a few transactions and a couple of
signatures. But a marriage is more than a legal contract. If it were
not then we would not see the outpouring of political action on the
part of the gay and lesbian communities asking to be granted the
right to marry.
Becoming unmarried means taking apart the covenant. Reclaiming one's
own energy and giving back that of the former mate. That's not so
easy to do when a marriage ends with anger, hurt, recriminations or
just plain sadness, as most do. Becoming unmarried means detaching
emotionally, physically, and spiritually from the spouse. If there
are children involved it becomes virtually impossible to achieve all
three of those layers of detachment. Physical attachment will linger
as long as the children live. Emotional attachment goes very deep
even in the most painful relationships and we carry that attachment
with us beyond the untying of the legal bond. Spiritual attachment…
ahhh…. that is the heart of the covenant and the hardest to undo. I'm
not sure it's possible for most people to achieve.
When we are hurting in our marriages, like anywhere else, it is only
natural that we look for a way to escape the pain. Society paints
divorce as a somewhat unpleasant but generally easy way out of
marital difficulty. It's not. There is no easy way out. The dynamics
we have created with our spouses rarely change once the piece of
paper is filed at the courthouse. Couples still argue over the care
of the children, still obsess about the affair partner and the
relationship the former spouse has with them, still need to negotiate
about holidays and family events. Divorce does not remove the
connection from our hearts or our lives.
The only things that change when a divorce is finalized are a few
financial details and perhaps where each person lives. That's it. The
pain, the loss, the frustration, the ongoing dealings with that
person remains much the same until we undo the covenant. Achieving
that requires difficult internal personal work and a shift in
consciousness. Probably as much or more work than staying in the
marriage. Interesting thought, staying in the marriage……….
Penny
