Musing on Marriage(tm) Finding the Time - Just Do It!

My teacher and mentor Dr. Willard Harley is one of the few to
actually lay out a minimum number of hours that a couple must spend
together if they are to create and maintain the feelings of romantic
love. Fifteen hours. Each week. Alone together. Although any
professional working in the marriage saving industry will agree that
spending time together in the number one thing couples MUST do if
they are to craft a happy marriage, (and this is a group that agrees
on virtually nothing else) none that I know of have been courageous
enough to quantify how much time it takes.

Harley's number, fifteen hours a week, is based on the average amount
of time couples spend together when they are having an affair. He
proposes that if we did in marriage what unfaithful couples do to
create that kind of passion outside marriage we could have exactly
the same feelings of irresistabilty.... in the marrtiage.

My own experience in my marriage and that of the couples I coach
bears this out. When we make the time and create the experience we
feel connected, loved and in love. When we don't, we lose those
feelings of connection. My belief is that marriage is a commitment
and it's not about feeling good. But the best way to ensure that the
commitment is met and that families stay together is to keep the
feelings of love alive. No couple who admits to being in love with
each other files for divorce. It just doesn't happen.

So then, how do you find that much time? Even couples that I've
worked with long term whine to me about needing to squeeze it out of
somewhere. First I think we need to look at priorites. What is the
most important thing in terms of your health, wellbeing and
happiness? What is the most important indicator of your children's
future success? First is keeping your marriage together and second is
ensuring that it is happy. It follows that if that's what's most
important and that time together is the road to intimacy, then
finding the time must take priority.

Take out your calculator and let's break down the week. Seven days
times twenty four hours a day gives us 168 hours each week. Subtract
eight hours a day for sleeping and we are left with 112. I'll give
you sixty for work and commuting, that leaves 52. Let's say you need
another twenty for eating, dressing and personal care (that's four a
day!!) and you still are left with 32 hours.

Now I'm sure you have all kinds of things that you think are
necessary. The Monday night bowling league (or dare I say,
football??), the once a month meeting at the school, and the other
once a month volunteer commitment you have, and the scout meeting,
and the kids' sports activities. I have four boys still at home. I
know how much time it takes just to keep up with the notes from
school. But I challenge you to tell me which of those things is as
important to your overall wellbeing and that of your children as is
having a happy and fulfilling marriage.

We live in an instant society. Marriage is not instant. It takes time
to craft and protect the relationship and the connection we have to
each other. No matter what the urgency, there is nothing you have on
your calendar or wish list right now that is more important than time
alone with your mate.

Just Do It.

Penny

Musing on Marriage(tm) Lose the Guilt!

It's interesting to me that we have little compunction about
expecting our spouse to do things for us or in the manner that we
prefer, regardless of how they feel about it, and yet we get queasy
at the idea of vetoing an idea that we don't particularly care for
because it might make our mate feel bad. On the one side of the
equation we don't care if they feel bad as long as we get what we
want and on the flip side we tremble at the possibility that they
might feel the tiniest resentment at the possibility of not having
things their way.

The see saw effect. The I-win/you-lose, you-win/I-lose swinging back
and forth with each partner keeping score and both certain they are
getting the short end of the stick.
We all recall with ease the times we gave in and did something or
went along with something that was in some way objectionable. We have
a much harder time calling to mind the times when our mate did the
same. In fact, we're probably likely to say that he or she always
gets their way and we are always the one to give in.

If marriage was nothing more than a profit and loss statement, this
method might work. We could chart out our days on a spreadsheet and
keep an accurate record of who got what when. But it's not. Life is
not an accounting program and love doesn't fit neatly into a
spreadsheet. It is complicated by the fact that we feel. And how we
feel about our spouse is directly related to his or her behavior. So
that means, if we give in and agree to things which are
objectionable or offensive to us in one way or another, eventually we
won't like our partner all that much at all.

And if we don't like him or her, we're probably going to get to the
point where we really don't care how he or she feels. And when we get
to that point we're going to do all kinds of things that make him or
her feel bad. The only effective way to guard against that happening
is to speak up and not give in on the things we don't care for. In
other words, lose the guilt.

Much of what we need to do if our marriages are to be successful is
counter intuitive. Our emotions beg us to do anything to make our
spouse feel good. Until the resentment hits. And then our instincts
urge us to lash out and either demand a quid pro quo sacrifice or to
withdraw. None of that is conducive to crafting a harmonious and
joyful relationship. We do that by Living in the Center.

The Center is that place between instinct and emotion. The place
where we explore what our partner wants and needs, compare that to
our own feelings and desires and then work to find a solution that
takes both those things into account. To do this well, we need to be
aware of the guilt we're likely to experience the first several times
we need to deny a request, and to recognize that it is in our
spouse's best interest to protect the feelings we have for him or her
by not acquiescing to their every desire.

In the end, it's not a whole lot different than the hard choices we
need to make as parents. We are often faced with vetoing a request
from our children. The only real difference is that our spouse is not
a child but an equal partner in the marriage. That being the case we
need to make an important distinction. When we tell our spouse that
something doesn't work for us and that we wouldn't be all that happy
with a particular choice, we are not denying permission. As adults we
have the right to choose to do whatever we like. Instead we are
simply being honest about how we would feel and asking that those
feelings be taken into account when decisions are made.

If there is any guilt to be felt in this equation, it would seem to
me to belong with the partner who knowingly ignores the other's
feelings or who isn't honest about how they feel in the first place.

All the best,

Penny

Musing on Marriage(tm) Stop Trying to Save Your Marriage

Over the past couple of weeks I've had similar conversations with
more than one person on the subject of trying to save a marriage. And
each time I came away troubled with the concept in general. Trying to
save your marriage? Trying? A terrible word that gives the person
permission to fail. Trying implies that you'll give it a go, but
you're not really all that committed to success and if it doesn't
work… well, you tried.

In one of the earlier Star Wars movies Luke Skywalker is deep in the
wilds of the swamp planet Dagobah working with the Jedi Master Yoda.
Yoda tell Luke to raise his crashed and sunken ship from the muck
using only the Force. Luke looks doubtful at best and replies that
he'll try. Yoda responds, "Do or do not. Never try."

Ok, so I admit I was young and impressionable when Star Wars first
hit the big screen, but those few words of wisdom spoken by Yoda have
stayed with me over the years. As I began my career and as I became
more and more interested in the field of human potential and
development this was a theme I heard over and over again. I attended
numerous seminars, workshops and training sessions on motivating for
excellence. I subscribed to more than one publication that was
devoted to effecting change in oneself or facilitating it in others.
Everywhere I went, the message was the same. Do or do not. Never try.

The phrase, "self-talk," has been big in pop psychology in the last
twenty years. One of the things we know about the human condition is
that the way we speak to ourselves and the words we use have a
powerful influence on our behavior. It's the concept behind the use
of affirmations which became very popular in the early 80's and
continues to be used effectively to create change to this day.

So where am I going with all this and how does it relate to marriage?
Here's my thought. In order to create real and lasting change in
marriage it requires not only work, but commitment. Success is
measured by results. In daily life no one really gets a lot of credit
for tying. If you tell your family that you tried to make dinner, but
no food ever appears, they are not going to grant you any big points.
If you tell your boss you tried to get to work on time but just
couldn't do it day in and day out, I would suspect you wouldn't have
a job for any length of time. Our relationship with our spouse is
much the same.

The result – the success or failure of your marriage – depends on
what you do, not on what you try. Make a commitment to do the
fearless work of crafting a marriage that is open, honest, caring,
courteous and respectful. Every moment affords you the chance to make
choices which move you closer to that goal. Just Do It.

May the Force Be With You,

Penny

Musing on Marriage(tm) The Danger of Fairy Tales

Fairy Tales, or folk stories, have been part of our human existence
for time out of mind. Anthropologists tell us that the ancients made
up stories about the world around them in order to explain the
phenomena they observed. Millennia later the brothers Grimm made a
family project out of collecting the folk stories popular in small
part of the European continent put them together in a cohesive manner
and voila! the era or modern fairy tales was born. Once Disney got in
the act with all those darling animated versions the threat to
marriages was guaranteed.

Is there anyone among us who didn't grow up with tales of Snow White,
Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, and more recently for the younger crowd,
The Little Mermaid and Belle the Beauty half of Beauty and the Beast?
There's a whole week's worth of writing on the role of men and women
in relationships portrayed in those fables but that's not today's
focus. Today I want to talk about how each of those stories end.

"And they lived happily ever after. The End."

As if the wooing and winning part was all there is to creating a
relationship that works. As if once the attraction is recognized and
the obstacles overcome (evil stepparents, poison apples and tentacled
sea witches) the rest of life will take care of itself. As if happily
ever after is guaranteed. And therein lies the danger of fairy tales.

Every day in my coaching practice couples confide in me that there
must be something fatally wrong with their marriage because they
disagree on some issue. That their marriage is doomed because they
have days when they don't feel connected. That they must have married
the wrong person because things were going so well and then they had
a fight. They tell me that there is no way they can possibly get it
right with their spouse because no matter how hard they try or how
much progress they've made things are still not perfect. They don't
have "happily ever after."

Marriage is not about happily ever after. At least not in the sense
of nothing will ever intrude or cause conflict again. Life is messy.
Marriage is messy. Conflict is inevitable. It's not the conflict that
causes problems, it's how we handle the issues which are bound to
arise. Are we honest about our feelings regarding whatever the
problem might be? Are we willing to put our emotional reactions on
hold and craft a solution that works for both partners? Are we
willing to endure the discomfort of making no move until we find one
that can be supported by ourselves and our mates?

Do we really think that Cinderella, who spent her days in comfy worn
out clothes singing with the birds and chatting up the mice, was
really all that thrilled to dress in rigid haute couture and abide by
rules for royal behavior? Do we believe that Snow White's Prince
Charming welcomed not one but seven single men with odd personal
habits into their home to spend time with his new wife? Is it
possible that Sleeping Beauty's narcoleptic tendencies, not to
mention her meddling godparents, caused a little friction in their
newly wedded bliss?
Fairy Tales are fabulous stories. And if you love mythology the way I
do the older less sanitized versions are spring boards for wonderful
introspection. But defining the success of a real life flesh and
blood, perfectly human romantic relationship using the concept of
happily ever after is a recipe for failure. Happily ever after is
possible, but to achieve it you'll have to grab onto a hearty dose of
empathy, an even bigger measure of courage wrap it all up with a
sense of humor and be willing to make the right choices in the
present moment. Every moment. And if you blow it this time you pick
yourself up, dust off the debris, figure out what needs to change,
grab onto that courage and do it all again.

All the best,
Penny

Musing on Marriage(tm) If it Feels Right ... It's Probably Not

In my coaching practice I specialize in helping couples in all stages
of infidelity.
From discovery where the faithful spouse is devastated and usually
working alone with me through recovery where both spouses and I craft
a strategy to pick up the pieces left in the wake of the affair. For
as long as I've been doing this I've insisted that saving a marriage
rocked by infidelity requires that both partners do things which are
counter intuitive.

Over the last couple of years as I've added more and more non
infidelity cases to my list of clients I've come to the conclusion
that this is true of all marriages. Crafting and maintaining a happy
and fulfilling marriage requires that we check our instincts and
intuition at the door and create patterns which go against the grain.

If like me, you grew up in the seventies and eighties… a product of
the "Feel Good," and "Me," generation much less the nineties where
new age thought and getting in touch with oneself really blossomed,
the whole idea of not acting on our instincts and emotions can seem
like downright blasphemy. For the most part couples nowadays are a
product of a philosophy that puts how we feel above any other
information. If it feels right then we must do it, and if it's
awkward or uncomfortable then it must be wrong.

Unfortunately if we adopt that attitude in marriage we'll find
ourselves in a mess pretty quickly. In romantic relationships our
instincts and emotions will take us on a wild see saw ride in short
order. Instead of speaking honestly about how we feel and what we'd
like we'll pretend that everything is fine, because we don't want to
cause conflict. Or if we are to the breaking point by too much
pretending (or not enough sleep) we'll tell our spouse exactly what
they need to do and what we think of them if they don't…. neither of
which is being honest, it's simply being rude.

And heaven help our spouse if they choose to be honest and we are on
the instinct and emotion path. He or she will most likely be in for a
heft blast of defensiveness topped with enough irritable intimidation
to make them back off. None of us wants to hear that everything we do
isn't perfect; our first instinct is to defend against the idea of
change with whatever weapon is handy.

The idea of setting aside those emotions, speaking honestly and
negotiating to a solution that is good for both parties is so counter
intuitive that virtually no one does it without a serious learning
curve. Wherever you are on that learning curve, just becoming aware
of the patterns or making real progress toward change pat yourself on
the back for getting there. Marriage, like life, is a journey. This
moment offers you the option of making the best possible non
intuitive choice for creating the marriage of your dreams. If it
feels wrong, it may very well be the right thing to do.

All the best!
Penny

Musing on Marriage(tm) Married and Alone

Couples. Everywhere. The world seems to be made of pairs and they are
all around us. That's great if we are part of a twosome ourselves,
but sadly it isn't always the case. Sometimes even the staunchest
supporters of marriage and those of us most wanting to be married
find ourselves alone. And then the coupleness of the world at large
seems to be a cruel joke played out before out eyes.

In my coaching practice I most often deal with husbands and wives who
are alone due to the infidelity of their spouse. Perhaps the straying
partner has initiated a separation to be with the affair partner or
the faithful spouse has separated to protect themselves from further
pain. Sometimes a husband or wife who has been unhappy for years
chooses to take a break from further neglect and separates. And of
course there are instances of abuse where safety dictates that the
abused spouse separate for safety reasons. In between those are a
host of other causes for married aloneness, but the result is the
same. Married. Alone.

Unlike death, married aloneness leaves you in a nowhere land of being
committed to a partner who is not present. Such a state rules out
dating and other activities that could threaten your continuing
commitment to the marriage and your partner. And unlike death, there
is no closure. There is the constant wondering, waiting and weighing
of every decision you make, every action you contemplate. In short,
you obsess. And you hurt.

The natural instinct is to worry and fret behind the scenes. To call
your friends and family for updates on what your spouse might be
doing. To drive by where they work or their new living quarters. To
show them that you are changing and improving…. Without really
showing them… passively staying in view with a, "Look at what your
missing," sort of energy. All of those things are normal instincts.

But as we talk about daily, the things we need to do to craft a
successful marriage or repair one that is wounded are counter
intuitive. If we follow our instincts in almost any marital pursuit
we'll be going down the wrong path. Being a married alone is not any
different. Instead of holding on so tightly, this is the time to
detach. Not from the marriage and not from your spouse, but from the
situation which has led to the separation. Hold tight to the desire
for a strong and healthy relationship with your mate. Wrap it up, put
it in a safe place in your heart, and then move on.


Take a class. Reinvest in a former hobby or explore possibilities of
new ones. Volunteer somewhere. Nothing helps revive the heart and
revitalize the soul as does the satisfaction of helping someone else
in need. Put some energy into friendships that might have grown
stale. Read a book that `s purely entertainment and has nothing to
say about marriage an relationships. Get out of the house. Join a spa
or health club. Get a new hairstyle. Make something with your own
hands. Write a book or a short story. Get a life!! The only caveat is
that friends be same sex and advocates for your marriage.

Moving on will not hamper your efforts to save the marriage once your
spouse decides to reconsider the marriage. On the contrary doing so
will reenergize you and speed the healing process. You will be
calmer, more centered, and feel better about yourself, all of which
make you a better partner in any relationship. Worried that he or she
won't like the changes you're making? Don't be, it's all negotiable
when the time for reconciliation occurs.

What's the first step? Get out of your usual rut. Instead of staying
home and trying to break into his email, why not call a friend and go
to a movie. Rather than writing long painful essays in your journal
about how much you miss her, why not get out the hammer and saw and
do a little work on the deck. And best of all, take some time to
really be with your kids if you can. They need you now more than
ever. Go to a park, read a story, play a game. This kind of comfort
will reap benefits for years to come.

All the best!
Penny


Today's Musing on Marriage is dedicated to the memory of Shirley
Glass. Ms. Glass was a well known and widely respected psychologist
and researcher who spent her career redefining the therapeutic
community's understanding of infidelity, as well as helping countless
couples to heal through her clinical work and her writings. Ms.
Glass' research was impeccable and far reaching and the conclusions
she put forth affect our understanding of the dynamics of infidelity
and the steps needed for recovery. Her passing on October 8th of this
year leaves a gaping hole in the world of those working to repair and
heal marriages everywhere.
She will be missed.

Musing on Marriage(tm) Negotiating? Leave the Emotions at Home

So if you given any thought to the process of negotiation and the
application of it in business as opposed to marriage you have no
doubt come to the place of recognizing that emotions are a big deal.
In the story I told yesterday about the disgruntled customer, the
reason my boss couldn't successfully handle the situation and was
ready to escalate to the litigation level was solely because his
emotions were in the mix. It was his business baby and his product
that were under attack, at least in his perception of things. And so
in the flight or fight mode.... he was ready to runble. Even though
doing so would have been destructive to him and to the company. I,
being a newcomer, didn't have that emotional baggage to deal with.

Well, marriage is all about emotional baggage. A romantic
relationship is an emotional state and our perceptions and views are
colored by those feelings. This creates an added level to the
complexity of negotiation. If we are to really do it well, we need to
find a way to put those emotions on hold and let our intellects do
the work. Then, when we're done negotiating we can have a reality
check with our feelings to see if the solution is one that really
works for us. Until that point it is an intellectual exercise.

We've recently bought and sold property and we had to replace a
vehicle. (Blew up while on the road, but that's a story for another
day.) All of those transactions required negotiation. As an avid
observer of human behavior it is very interesting to me to watch
these things, rumble them around in my head and then tie them to what
I already know. Here's what I saw.

When you let your emotions dictate how you respond… or whether you
respond…. you lose. When you let your emotions dictate the
information you are willing to share… you lose. When you let your
emotions get in the way of exploring what the other party wants…you
lose. When you let your emotions give away too much…you lose and when
you let your emotions create a refusal to budge…you lose. Are you
seeing the same pattern I am? Emotions have no place in the
negotiating process except as valuable information that you need to
share with each other. Emotions should not be part of the exploration
and brainstorming process.

Negotiating is a cold and calculating exercise. To do it well we need
to detach from the emotional baggage we have relating to the
situation at hand. Stick to the facts. Assume that both parties are
looking for the same thing… an outcome that works well for both.

What is it I want? What is it the other person wants? What factors
influence those desires? (This is the only role feelings should play.
They are valuable information and must be taken into account.) What
would it take to get to where either of us wants to be? What haven't
we thought of? What other ideas are out there? Removing the emotion
allows you to brainstorm ideas that seem silly but which stimulate
the creative process. Removing the emotion allows you to work as a
team rather than as opponents. This is the key to negotiation.

Brainstorm ideas based on the information you gather about each other
and what you each want and need. Stay detached. Avoid letting your
personal biases get in the way of really looking at what your spouse
is saying about his or her needs and desires. Look for solutions that
would match those needs… and yours. Detach, detach, detach….. allow
your brain to search out new and uncharted ideas.

Once you do that you can bring the emotions back into the picture for
a reality check on how a potential solution will work (or not) for
you…….

Have a great weekend!

Penny

Musing on Marriage(tm) Negotiation

Negotiation. I love negotiation. Always have. Even as a child I would
wheel and deal and wheedle to see what it would take to get what I
wanted. Generally this was something along the lines of a ride to a
friend's or an overnight stay with Grandma but the process was always
the same. What would you (almost always my mom) need in order for
this to happen?

From the time I was ten my mom was a single parent working more than
full time to support three kids. As a teenager growing up in a home
with little financial resources I figured out pretty quickly there
was no free ride. If I wanted something that took time or money I
needed to figure out how to make it happen, and I needed to get Mom
on board with my plan. There was an awful lot of swapping cleaning
chores for permission to spend the weekend with a girlfriend, and
bigger teenage necessities (such as the every teenager's lifeline,
the stereo – with 8 track, cassette and turntable!) meant I had to
get a job. I babysat for neighbors from the time I was 12, worked at
DQ the day I turned 15, and had a full time retail job at 161/2. To
this day I can clean a bathroom from top to bottom in twelve minutes
flat and I'm willing to work as hard as I have to if the reward is
something I really want. But I drew the line at things which were
objectionable to me. There was no way I would have agreed to clean my
brothers' rooms and I refused to eat food that looked like glob.
(Every mother's number one negotiating plea… "Eat this and you can do
"

And that is the crux of the negotiation. Is the reward worth the
effort? Are you offering your partner something that is really
attractive to them? Are you getting something that warms your heart
and makes you smile? And is the trade off something that is not
offensive, objectionable or painful for either party? Are you both
happy with the outcome? My mom got her house cleaned and I got to
spend the weekend with my best friend giggling and talking about boys
and make up.

Before I hung out my Coaching shingle, I worked at a small
corporation in the Twin Cities. I was hired to design, set up and
implement the Customer Service department. Part of those duties meant
I needed to deal with former disgruntled customers who owed us lots
of money. One in particular had a nasty beef with our company. It
seems that they had received some inferior goods and that in the
transition of growth no one at our company had handled their
complaints. Product sat on their dock unusable, and they owed money
to my company, and no one was budging. By the time I was hired
(almost a year into the mess) threats of lawsuits were flying fast
and furious. Then it got dumped on my desk, with the statement
to, "Clean this up."

My boss insisted that we needed to get payment and if they threatened
to sue we would simply threaten more. Well, I thought I'd do a little
investigating first before getting attorneys involved and before bad
press about our company spread through the industry. So I called the
loudest angriest voice making the threats for our former customer.

And I listened. What happened? And then what? Where is the product
now?
Then I validated. Yes that is terrible. I can see why you would be
upset. I wouldn't be happy if I had to deal with this either. I'm
sorry no one's handled this before.
Then I asked. If I could fix this, what would it take? Is there a way
you would be willing to make payments on your balance owing for goods
you have accepted and used? What would have to happen with the
product in question? Who else do we need to get involved?

That led to a meeting with my boss and our CEO. I told them that I
could get back payment for goods received, but that we would need to
do something with the product they were declining. And that argument
over whether or not that particular batch was good was in no one's
best interest, it hadn't worked in a year, and that eating a little
of the balance was better than taking an entire loss and going to
court on top of it.

Then I went to our customer's CEO and the manager I'd spoken with
earlier. Here's what we're willing to do. Here's what we'd like. Is
there any way that can work for you?

In the end, they paid every cent of the balance on product they'd
accepted. We credited them for the rejected product, and they handled
the disposal (a large expense in itself). But that's not the end of
the story. In the weeks that followed as I continued to talk with the
first manager, the most angry and threatening of the contacts I'd
made, I convinced him to give our company another chance. (Remember,
this is after a year of threats of legal action.)

Within months they were agreeing to use us for testing new product
releases. They set out very strict quality and time requirements
placing us on probation. (Implementing the question – what would it
take?) We passed with flying colors. And the company that everyone
wrote off as lost became our biggest customer. To the tune of over a
million in sales for the first half of the year.

This is all about negotiation. And it doesn't matter if it's at home
or in the workplace, the elements are the same. What is the issue?
How does the other person feel about it? What do they need to make it
work? What are you willing to do that will work for you as well? Is
there some way to bridge any remaining gaps? Listen, validate,
offer, and look for solutions that take your needs AND the other
party's into account.

A million in sales is nothing compared to having a happy and
fulfilling marriage. What are you doing to make that a reality?

All the best!

Penny