Before the "me" generation of the late 60's and 70's married couples
with children tended to stay married for a lot of reasons that aren't
as powerfully present in today's world. Women now make up nearly 50%
of the workforce in the US and we generate more than half of the US
economy. Women are not as likely to stay married due to financial
dependence as they were in the past. Women are also better educated
and less dependent overall. The sexual revolution of the 60's and
70's made it possible not only to remove pregnancy from sex but it
also displaced the idea of sex only within marriage and not until
marriage. Religion, which played a strong role in keeping couples
together has become less and less of a motivating force. Some studies
suggest that the rate of divorce is higher in the "Bible Belt" than
elsewhere. The Catholic Church, once the last holdout against
divorce, now takes a circuitous route to acceptance with the
annulment process – claiming the marriage was never valid to begin
with. And even those Catholics who divorce without seeking an
annulment find acceptance – if not in their home parishes in
neighboring Christian communities. The untouched factor for many
years continued to be staying together for the sake of the kids.
We've all known couples who were passionately unhappily married but
who gritted their teeth and stuck it out. For the kids. The parents
who couldn't stand the sight of each other but who sat down to dinner
each night as a family, celebrated holidays as a family, attended
school functions as a family, and created a stable home – as a
family – from which the children would inevitably move away from and
into their own lives as adults. These parents stayed together,
sacrificing the best years of their lives – pouring the hearts and
souls into their work and their hobbies to avoid the pain of their
failed marriages – mostly because they believed doing so was in the
best interest of the children.
Were they right? I don't know that there's a definitive answer to
that. What I do know is the carnage I see day after day in the
divorced families where staying together for the sake of the children
no longer is an option. In fact, the concept itself seems to be
disappearing from our consciousness. Now we hear about the need for
self actualization. The need to find oneself or to pursue one's
passions (often that translates to the person waiting in the wings).
The need to realize one's own dreams, even if that means shattering
the lives of the people closest to oneself. We don't talk much,
anymore, about staying together for the sake of the children, and
when we do it's in pitying tones for those who choose that route. As
if they've somehow failed the rest of us by their dedication to the
wellbeing of their offspring.
The pendulum has indeed swung in the other direction. Which of course
raises the question of whether there is a middle ground – a place of
balance between self and other. At what point does one sacrifice too
much of self for another, even ones' own child? And at what point is
one being selfish is pursuit of personal fulfillment? Is staying in
the marriage purely for the sake of the children something to be
looked down on or even feared?
Should we stay in a miserable marriage solely for the sake of the
children? I think the question needs looking at in a slightly
different light. Would I ask someone to stay in an unhappy marriage
just for the children without doing anything proactive to change the
marriage? No, I don't think so. But then, I wouldn't advocate going
to work just for the paycheck without actively participating in the
job one was hired to do. Both seem to be a recipe for frustration
verging on madness.
So let's change the question around a bit. Is the welfare of the
children reason enough to stick it out and work on an ill marriage,
even if there seems to be no feelings and no hope? To that I say a
resounding, Yes!
I'm really not picky about the reasons why people choose to stay in a
marriage, giving it another shot at recovery. In fact, it seems to me
that honoring one's obligations as parents, guardians, and nurturers
of the next generation is one of the better reasons to do so. What I
don't want to see is the old paradigm of staying for the kids and
enduring a life of misery. Stay for the kids – and then work hard and
work smart to effect positive change in the marriage.
