Respect, gratitude, admiration, appreciation…. We all need it in some
form or another, and in intimate relationships the craving to be seen
as someone special can make or break the relationship. Shirley Glass,
the late expert and researcher on infidelity, talked about the
powerful attraction of seeing oneself reflected in the eyes of
another in a way that showed that self as attractive, desirable,
adored human beings.
I love movies in general and particularly as a way to see human
dynamics at work. I've been known to suggest viewing films as diverse
as "Winnie the Pooh" and "Miracle" in order to highlight something
we've talked about in a coaching session. Recently I've been
suggesting love stories where the chemistry is good and asking that
special attention be given to the way people look at one another when
attraction is in the air.
There are lots of things that we talk about as needs in marriage.
Conversation, sex, engagement in the marriage, commitment, money,
help with the home, parenting. All of these are things that we choose
to give to our partner of our own free will. Certainly a partner who
is meeting needs for us as well and who is avoiding hurting us in the
process is likely to make us more motivated to meet those needs, but
we can (if we choose) meet those needs regardless of how our mate is
acting.
The same cannot be said of honor or esteem – the acting out of
respect. Meeting that need requires that our mate be or do something
to earn our estimation. It's a concept we understand well in business
and even in other personal relationships. If we want someone to think
(and act as if ) we're pretty cool, then our actions need to be
congruent with the respect we desire.
For example, most of us would not expect glowing reviews and daily
pats on the back from our boss if we spent the greater part of each
day surfing the net, playing solitaire, or chatting up our coworkers
at the water cooler. We don't expect teachers to hand out A's and B's
to students who consistently lose their homework to the "dog," blow
off tests, or sleep through class. We don't vote for public officials
whose record of achievements is spotty or who have betrayed the
public trust with unethical acts. Nor do we opt for the second date
with someone who shows up late, dresses like they're ready to do
garden work, behaves rudely, and ignores for the greater part of our
time together. We don't admire people whose actions and behaviors do
not engender our respect.
Somehow that understanding of what it takes to be admired disappears
when romance enters the picture. If it the outcome wasn't so
important I would be tempted to laugh out loud and the sheer
disbelief at some of the things I hear. Husbands and wives who bend
over backwards to excel at parenting, their career, or other aspects
of their lives seem to believe that marriage requires little or no
effort on their part. And, that their spouse should show them
appreciation, admiration, and esteem simply because they're there.
Respect, the pre-requisite for honor and esteem – for that look of
delight in the eyes of a partner – must be earned. These are a few
actions guaranteed to make sure that doesn't happen:
• Coming home from work and plopping in front of the tv while
your mate takes care of the cooking and the homework
• Knowing the intricacies of setting your vcr or cable
recording device but claiming to be incapable of running the
dishwasher
• Refusing to have sex for months on end until everything in
the marriage is "just right" (it can't be "just right" without sex)
• Lack of attention to personal grooming, health and fitness
• Irritating habits - anything from smoking to knuckle
cracking to poor table manners and spending habits
• Breaking promises and commitments
• Anger, control, abuse
• Putting the job, the in-laws, the car, the yard work, the
kids' activities ahead of the marriage and your spouse
The list is, of course, endless and unique to every couple. But the
concept is the same. If you crave the admiration of your mate, if you
need to see yourself reflected in his or her eyes as someone special
and wonderful, then YOU need to act the part in order for that to
happen. In order to be respected and admired, one must first be
respectable and admirable.
All the best,
Penny
