Last year, just about this time as the air was cooling and the trees
were turning from summer green to a duskier color in anticipation of
Autumn's paintbrush, I was diagnosed with the one of the rarest forms
of cancer known to humanity.
For most people, just the word itself is enough to send tremors of
fear crashing through every cell in their body. The world as you know
it comes to an end while you face this intruder and strategize ways
to neutralize its potential to cause harm or even loss of life. No
one would think to suggest that cancer is a benign condition that can
just be tolerated without risk.
What I want to tell you today is that there is an incredibly virulent
form of disease at work in your marriage. One that is every bit as
threatening to the life of your marriage as cancer is to the life
your body. The name of that disease is conflict avoidance.
Conflict avoidance, however, is a myth. The only way to avoid
conflict is to die – otherwise we simply postpone it. And then, it
tends to come back and bite us in the, well…… you get the picture.
When that happens, small issues that might have been worked out with
a little effort and creativity become much larger issues with added
resentment and irritation built into the mix.
Most of us don't really like conflict. It's a natural instinct to
want to avoid having to face it. Most of us don't really like being
ill either, but both sickness and conflict are parts of the human
existence – and as such – need to be addressed. Preserving our
physical health or our marital health means there are things we need
to just do, even when they're a bit unpleasant or even downright
frightening.
Let's take a relatively emotionally neutral subject and look at what
happens when the issue is avoided. Let's say Sally is married to
Manuel. Sally likes to spend at least an hour a day playing euchre on
the computer with a bunch of other women. Manuel's not all that
thrilled with it, but he doesn't want to rock the boat and raise the
issue with his wife.
Some of the excuses I hear for conflict postponement and that Manuel
give are:
"I don't want to hurt his/her feelings."
This is admirable. We should all strive not to hurt feelings. But
that's not really what's behind this excuse. What we're really saying
is , I don't want to face the possible unpleasantness and backlash
that might result in letting my spouse know I'm unhappy. Or, I don't
want to face my own feelings of distress that arise when I talk about
my desires that conflict with my spouse's. That's not kindness, it's
fear.
Manuel keeps silent because he fears his wife will cry and rant at
him and that their weekend will be ruined. It's a great strategy –
for her – she gets what she wants and he suffers silently. The
problems is as his irritation builds he'll begin to snipe at her,
making pointed little comments that will indeed hurt her feelings and
lead not to resolution but to more fighting and more disconnect in
their marriage.
"She has a right to have fun with her friends."
Perhaps. Depends on the friends and the sorts of fun she's having.
The problem is that when one spouse is having a great time and is
offending or irritating the other one in the process the marriage
takes a hit.
Sally does have a right to have friends. But unless there is an
understanding that friendships must complement the marriage rather
than detract from it, where is the line? At what point do friendships
decrease the quality of life by intruding into the most essential
relationships of marriage and family? Sally has a right to have
friends as long as her friends and her activities with them don't
offend or hurt her spouse or her marriage.
Avoiding this issue out of some misguided loyalty to a cultural
construct which does not protect marriages is a dangerous strategy.
"She's going to be really upset with me."
She might. And children are really upset when we deny them the latest
gadget or treat at the checkout. We all understand the need as
parents to set boundaries in the face of a child's upset, the same is
true of marriage. The difference is that as adults relating to each
other in an intimate relationship we need to work as a cooperative
team rather than as an authoritarian figure and a child.
Team work requires complete information. No one in their right mind
would think a task force at work could do its job effectively if one
or more members withheld vital information about the status of the
project. Doing so out of fear of one member of the team being upset
sabotages the efforts of the team as a whole and guarantees greater
upset all around. Conflict postponement.
There are things Manuel can and should do to minimize Sally's upset.
Going at her with guns blazing is not going to helpful. He needs to
remain calm and courteous and approach his wife with an attitude of
cooperation. Saying, "Your priorities are out line, can't you see
that the house and the marriage are suffering while you have a merry
little time playing stupid games," is NOT going to be helpful. It's
going to start a fight.
But, saying, "Gee honey, I know you enjoy your time with your
friends, but I'm lonely and missing you – what can we do to work this
out better?" is going to open a discussion about the time on the
computer, both their needs, and if they work together lead them
towards a solution which eliminates resentment.
"I've already told her how much this bothers me and she doesn't
care." Well, first, we don't know if she cares or not, unless she has
specifically said so – and even then we only have her word for it.
Additionally, feelings change over time and hers may have as well.
Even so, Manuel may be right and he may have repeatedly shared with
Sally his irritation about the game playing. In that case he needs to
reevaluate how he is sharing that information. The first concern is
whether or not he's being honest about his feelings and needs or
whether he's being rude and demanding. If he's expressing his
feelings honestly in a way that is courteous and calm then it may be
that he needs to do a better job of asking for input into change or
for change itself.
"Sally, I'm unhappy about the time playing games on the computer," is
a great start. Honest, calm, courteous. But it doesn't ask for
action. The next step is asking for input, "It's causing some
friction between us and I'm wondering what we can do to find a
solution."
If Manuel does all of that repeatedly over a period of weeks and
months – without losing his temper and without being disrespectful
towards Sally in the process – and there is still no change then he
has valuable information about Sally's willingness to protect the
marriage from her own self-interested actions. Depending on the
severity of the offense (obviously cocaine use is more problematic
than bridge with friends) he will need to decide what actions to take
at that point.
But, if he hides his head in the sand and never addresses the issue
of the computer games he will find himself becoming more and more
irritated with his wife. He is lying to her about himself and he
becomes the threat to the health of the marriage by not allowing her
the opportunity to make changes in her actions in order to keep the
relationship strong and on track.
Conflict postponement is one of the greatest threats to marital
health. Some consider it to be the greatest factor predicting
divorce. If you are concerned about being good to your spouse and
your marriage then you will put away a desire to `be nice' and
concentrate instead on being honesty and courteous.
Conflicted yours,
Penny
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