I took my son to a cardiologist this morning. It's not the first time
I've done so, nor will it be the last. My son has a congenital heart
defect virtually identical to the one that took the life of his older
brother at birth, twenty years ago. But unlike his older brother's,
the defect in Nathaniel's heart is mild requiring nothing more than a
visit to his doctor every two years. In time as he grows and changes
that may change as well. The day may come when he needs significant
intervention including open heart surgery to replace the unruly
valve. But not today. Today he is an active and vociferous ten year
old.
When we finished at the doctor my husband and I took Nathaniel out
for a little snack at a nearby Caribou. Sitting there watching him my
vision changed, just for a moment, and I realized something, looking
at this sparkly eyed creature in front of me. In the book of his
life, through those mischievous brown eyes and the spirit behind
them, we are but the supporting cast and he is the main character.
And then, looking around the coffee shop I held that thought about
each of the people I saw. The brand new mother at the table next to
me holding an infant so small it could hardly have been real. And the
baby itself, his little mouth pursed in contentment as his eyes slid
with baby like slowness around the room. The older couple, well
dressed, who seemed to hold each other in an awareness that didn't
allow for the rest of us. The barista behind the counter. The man
with the computer at the other end of the store and the moms with a
couple of small girls seated not too far from him. Behind me were two
women studying what looked to be a nursing textbook. Each of them
unique never to be repeated or replaced beings. Each of them the main
character in the book of their lives. And we, the others in the
coffee shop, simply supporting cast, perhaps not even that, perhaps
only extras, there to fill the space as they did whatever it was they
came to do at a coffee shop on a brisk October morning.
As we got up to leave I said to my son and my husband, "Say goodbye
to all these people, we'll never see them again." And they, my son
and my husband, looked at me as if I was a bit off and laughed and
rolled their eyes at me. But it's true. We may cross paths with these
people again, but it's unlikely. And, even if we do neither of us is
going to remember a brief shared time at a coffee house somewhere in
suburbia.
But each person leaving that coffee shop today will continue to write
the book of his or her life. Each will continue to play out the role
of the main character, telling the story from his or her point of
view as the years unfold and life moves forward. And each of us will
simultaneously play supporting roles and the parts of extras in the
books of many others at the same time we are writing our own stories.
Each of those roles interconnected with the lives and stories and
roles of the people around us whose lives we touch. Even if only for
a moment.
And in all that, when we really examine it, we must come to profound
realization of how much we are all alike in our humanness. We live,
we love, we laugh, we cry. Our experiences are universal. Some of us
are heroes, some are villains, and many are somewhere in between. But
we are completely and without reservation human. It is only when we
recognize that we are all the same that we can begin the quest for an
intentionally ethical lifestyle. When we see that others are the main
character of their own story we can afford them the honor and the
dignity that is their due simply by virtue of our shared humanity.
When we can see that – when we can look around a coffee shop or a
playground, or an online community and we can see each person's story
as unique and extraordinary we can move outside ourselves to a place
of profound respect. This is what SYMC seeks to do in our work with
infidelity. See that each person in the triangle plays a leading
role. And that each individual is uniquely and completely human with
all the tendencies toward good and evil that each of us carries. Each
person in the triangle laughs and cries, loves and hates, hurts and
is hurt in return. And each person writes the story of the affair
from his or her point of view. When we honor that, and only then, can
we reach out with love and compassion to each of the members of the
triangle. We can only talk about ethics and harming none when we
carry a deep respect for the person whom we are confronting,
comforting, or advising.
An oft quoted directive says, "Do unto others as you would have them
do unto you." And yet, that doesn't adequately address an internal
drive to honor another. That statement is about us – about what we
would like, or not like as the case may be, rather than about an
objective respect for another. If, therefore, I like being laughed at
I would base my decision on whether to laugh at someone else on my
feelings or wishes. But, if instead, I take the position of "harming
none" I am forced to look beyond myself, my likes and dislikes, and
toward the better good of those around me.
If I avoid conflict at all costs, a dangerous game in marriage, I
might assume that it is best to allow others to play the same
avoidance game. I would be doing unto another as I would like done
unto me. But avoiding conflict is harmful in the long run. In order
to search for a truly ethical position on any subject we must first
recognize the spark that exists in all of us and then seek a way to
honor each that spark as we honor our own.
Will our book, the story of our own life portray us as a hero? A
villain? A person to admire or to fear? The answer to that lies in
how we touch the lives of the others within that story. Do we hold
the vision of respect and dignity in highest regard? Do we seek
choices and solutions that are only for the better good? If so then
although we will certainly need to make difficult choices and take
unpopular actions when all is said and done and the final page is
turned we can only inspire respect and honor in those whose stories
will follow.
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
Musing on Marriage(tm) Marital Cancer
Last year, just about this time as the air was cooling and the trees
were turning from summer green to a duskier color in anticipation of
Autumn's paintbrush, I was diagnosed with the one of the rarest forms
of cancer known to humanity.
For most people, just the word itself is enough to send tremors of
fear crashing through every cell in their body. The world as you know
it comes to an end while you face this intruder and strategize ways
to neutralize its potential to cause harm or even loss of life. No
one would think to suggest that cancer is a benign condition that can
just be tolerated without risk.
What I want to tell you today is that there is an incredibly virulent
form of disease at work in your marriage. One that is every bit as
threatening to the life of your marriage as cancer is to the life
your body. The name of that disease is conflict avoidance.
Conflict avoidance, however, is a myth. The only way to avoid
conflict is to die – otherwise we simply postpone it. And then, it
tends to come back and bite us in the, well…… you get the picture.
When that happens, small issues that might have been worked out with
a little effort and creativity become much larger issues with added
resentment and irritation built into the mix.
Most of us don't really like conflict. It's a natural instinct to
want to avoid having to face it. Most of us don't really like being
ill either, but both sickness and conflict are parts of the human
existence – and as such – need to be addressed. Preserving our
physical health or our marital health means there are things we need
to just do, even when they're a bit unpleasant or even downright
frightening.
Let's take a relatively emotionally neutral subject and look at what
happens when the issue is avoided. Let's say Sally is married to
Manuel. Sally likes to spend at least an hour a day playing euchre on
the computer with a bunch of other women. Manuel's not all that
thrilled with it, but he doesn't want to rock the boat and raise the
issue with his wife.
Some of the excuses I hear for conflict postponement and that Manuel
give are:
"I don't want to hurt his/her feelings."
This is admirable. We should all strive not to hurt feelings. But
that's not really what's behind this excuse. What we're really saying
is , I don't want to face the possible unpleasantness and backlash
that might result in letting my spouse know I'm unhappy. Or, I don't
want to face my own feelings of distress that arise when I talk about
my desires that conflict with my spouse's. That's not kindness, it's
fear.
Manuel keeps silent because he fears his wife will cry and rant at
him and that their weekend will be ruined. It's a great strategy –
for her – she gets what she wants and he suffers silently. The
problems is as his irritation builds he'll begin to snipe at her,
making pointed little comments that will indeed hurt her feelings and
lead not to resolution but to more fighting and more disconnect in
their marriage.
"She has a right to have fun with her friends."
Perhaps. Depends on the friends and the sorts of fun she's having.
The problem is that when one spouse is having a great time and is
offending or irritating the other one in the process the marriage
takes a hit.
Sally does have a right to have friends. But unless there is an
understanding that friendships must complement the marriage rather
than detract from it, where is the line? At what point do friendships
decrease the quality of life by intruding into the most essential
relationships of marriage and family? Sally has a right to have
friends as long as her friends and her activities with them don't
offend or hurt her spouse or her marriage.
Avoiding this issue out of some misguided loyalty to a cultural
construct which does not protect marriages is a dangerous strategy.
"She's going to be really upset with me."
She might. And children are really upset when we deny them the latest
gadget or treat at the checkout. We all understand the need as
parents to set boundaries in the face of a child's upset, the same is
true of marriage. The difference is that as adults relating to each
other in an intimate relationship we need to work as a cooperative
team rather than as an authoritarian figure and a child.
Team work requires complete information. No one in their right mind
would think a task force at work could do its job effectively if one
or more members withheld vital information about the status of the
project. Doing so out of fear of one member of the team being upset
sabotages the efforts of the team as a whole and guarantees greater
upset all around. Conflict postponement.
There are things Manuel can and should do to minimize Sally's upset.
Going at her with guns blazing is not going to helpful. He needs to
remain calm and courteous and approach his wife with an attitude of
cooperation. Saying, "Your priorities are out line, can't you see
that the house and the marriage are suffering while you have a merry
little time playing stupid games," is NOT going to be helpful. It's
going to start a fight.
But, saying, "Gee honey, I know you enjoy your time with your
friends, but I'm lonely and missing you – what can we do to work this
out better?" is going to open a discussion about the time on the
computer, both their needs, and if they work together lead them
towards a solution which eliminates resentment.
"I've already told her how much this bothers me and she doesn't
care." Well, first, we don't know if she cares or not, unless she has
specifically said so – and even then we only have her word for it.
Additionally, feelings change over time and hers may have as well.
Even so, Manuel may be right and he may have repeatedly shared with
Sally his irritation about the game playing. In that case he needs to
reevaluate how he is sharing that information. The first concern is
whether or not he's being honest about his feelings and needs or
whether he's being rude and demanding. If he's expressing his
feelings honestly in a way that is courteous and calm then it may be
that he needs to do a better job of asking for input into change or
for change itself.
"Sally, I'm unhappy about the time playing games on the computer," is
a great start. Honest, calm, courteous. But it doesn't ask for
action. The next step is asking for input, "It's causing some
friction between us and I'm wondering what we can do to find a
solution."
If Manuel does all of that repeatedly over a period of weeks and
months – without losing his temper and without being disrespectful
towards Sally in the process – and there is still no change then he
has valuable information about Sally's willingness to protect the
marriage from her own self-interested actions. Depending on the
severity of the offense (obviously cocaine use is more problematic
than bridge with friends) he will need to decide what actions to take
at that point.
But, if he hides his head in the sand and never addresses the issue
of the computer games he will find himself becoming more and more
irritated with his wife. He is lying to her about himself and he
becomes the threat to the health of the marriage by not allowing her
the opportunity to make changes in her actions in order to keep the
relationship strong and on track.
Conflict postponement is one of the greatest threats to marital
health. Some consider it to be the greatest factor predicting
divorce. If you are concerned about being good to your spouse and
your marriage then you will put away a desire to `be nice' and
concentrate instead on being honesty and courteous.
Conflicted yours,
Penny
were turning from summer green to a duskier color in anticipation of
Autumn's paintbrush, I was diagnosed with the one of the rarest forms
of cancer known to humanity.
For most people, just the word itself is enough to send tremors of
fear crashing through every cell in their body. The world as you know
it comes to an end while you face this intruder and strategize ways
to neutralize its potential to cause harm or even loss of life. No
one would think to suggest that cancer is a benign condition that can
just be tolerated without risk.
What I want to tell you today is that there is an incredibly virulent
form of disease at work in your marriage. One that is every bit as
threatening to the life of your marriage as cancer is to the life
your body. The name of that disease is conflict avoidance.
Conflict avoidance, however, is a myth. The only way to avoid
conflict is to die – otherwise we simply postpone it. And then, it
tends to come back and bite us in the, well…… you get the picture.
When that happens, small issues that might have been worked out with
a little effort and creativity become much larger issues with added
resentment and irritation built into the mix.
Most of us don't really like conflict. It's a natural instinct to
want to avoid having to face it. Most of us don't really like being
ill either, but both sickness and conflict are parts of the human
existence – and as such – need to be addressed. Preserving our
physical health or our marital health means there are things we need
to just do, even when they're a bit unpleasant or even downright
frightening.
Let's take a relatively emotionally neutral subject and look at what
happens when the issue is avoided. Let's say Sally is married to
Manuel. Sally likes to spend at least an hour a day playing euchre on
the computer with a bunch of other women. Manuel's not all that
thrilled with it, but he doesn't want to rock the boat and raise the
issue with his wife.
Some of the excuses I hear for conflict postponement and that Manuel
give are:
"I don't want to hurt his/her feelings."
This is admirable. We should all strive not to hurt feelings. But
that's not really what's behind this excuse. What we're really saying
is , I don't want to face the possible unpleasantness and backlash
that might result in letting my spouse know I'm unhappy. Or, I don't
want to face my own feelings of distress that arise when I talk about
my desires that conflict with my spouse's. That's not kindness, it's
fear.
Manuel keeps silent because he fears his wife will cry and rant at
him and that their weekend will be ruined. It's a great strategy –
for her – she gets what she wants and he suffers silently. The
problems is as his irritation builds he'll begin to snipe at her,
making pointed little comments that will indeed hurt her feelings and
lead not to resolution but to more fighting and more disconnect in
their marriage.
"She has a right to have fun with her friends."
Perhaps. Depends on the friends and the sorts of fun she's having.
The problem is that when one spouse is having a great time and is
offending or irritating the other one in the process the marriage
takes a hit.
Sally does have a right to have friends. But unless there is an
understanding that friendships must complement the marriage rather
than detract from it, where is the line? At what point do friendships
decrease the quality of life by intruding into the most essential
relationships of marriage and family? Sally has a right to have
friends as long as her friends and her activities with them don't
offend or hurt her spouse or her marriage.
Avoiding this issue out of some misguided loyalty to a cultural
construct which does not protect marriages is a dangerous strategy.
"She's going to be really upset with me."
She might. And children are really upset when we deny them the latest
gadget or treat at the checkout. We all understand the need as
parents to set boundaries in the face of a child's upset, the same is
true of marriage. The difference is that as adults relating to each
other in an intimate relationship we need to work as a cooperative
team rather than as an authoritarian figure and a child.
Team work requires complete information. No one in their right mind
would think a task force at work could do its job effectively if one
or more members withheld vital information about the status of the
project. Doing so out of fear of one member of the team being upset
sabotages the efforts of the team as a whole and guarantees greater
upset all around. Conflict postponement.
There are things Manuel can and should do to minimize Sally's upset.
Going at her with guns blazing is not going to helpful. He needs to
remain calm and courteous and approach his wife with an attitude of
cooperation. Saying, "Your priorities are out line, can't you see
that the house and the marriage are suffering while you have a merry
little time playing stupid games," is NOT going to be helpful. It's
going to start a fight.
But, saying, "Gee honey, I know you enjoy your time with your
friends, but I'm lonely and missing you – what can we do to work this
out better?" is going to open a discussion about the time on the
computer, both their needs, and if they work together lead them
towards a solution which eliminates resentment.
"I've already told her how much this bothers me and she doesn't
care." Well, first, we don't know if she cares or not, unless she has
specifically said so – and even then we only have her word for it.
Additionally, feelings change over time and hers may have as well.
Even so, Manuel may be right and he may have repeatedly shared with
Sally his irritation about the game playing. In that case he needs to
reevaluate how he is sharing that information. The first concern is
whether or not he's being honest about his feelings and needs or
whether he's being rude and demanding. If he's expressing his
feelings honestly in a way that is courteous and calm then it may be
that he needs to do a better job of asking for input into change or
for change itself.
"Sally, I'm unhappy about the time playing games on the computer," is
a great start. Honest, calm, courteous. But it doesn't ask for
action. The next step is asking for input, "It's causing some
friction between us and I'm wondering what we can do to find a
solution."
If Manuel does all of that repeatedly over a period of weeks and
months – without losing his temper and without being disrespectful
towards Sally in the process – and there is still no change then he
has valuable information about Sally's willingness to protect the
marriage from her own self-interested actions. Depending on the
severity of the offense (obviously cocaine use is more problematic
than bridge with friends) he will need to decide what actions to take
at that point.
But, if he hides his head in the sand and never addresses the issue
of the computer games he will find himself becoming more and more
irritated with his wife. He is lying to her about himself and he
becomes the threat to the health of the marriage by not allowing her
the opportunity to make changes in her actions in order to keep the
relationship strong and on track.
Conflict postponement is one of the greatest threats to marital
health. Some consider it to be the greatest factor predicting
divorce. If you are concerned about being good to your spouse and
your marriage then you will put away a desire to `be nice' and
concentrate instead on being honesty and courteous.
Conflicted yours,
Penny
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
Musing on Marriage(tm) It Takes Two
One person can't save a marriage. Both partners need to be on board.
Both need to work at it. Both need to care. Both need to……
Bunk.
One person can make a tremendous difference in the atmosphere of the
marriage – in the day to day dynamics that define what the marriage
is all about. One person, making internal shifts that take
responsibility for one's part of the marital dynamics can (and often
does) make all the difference between a marriage that is happy and
fulfilling and one that is a dismal failure.
Oftentimes when my husband and I are having a bad day (or week or
month) one of us will make a conscious decision to step of the path
of ickiness and move to a better place. More often than not, it's my
husband who does that – he being much less pigheaded than I. He'll
stop midsentence, take a deep breath and say or do something to move
us somewhere less adversarial. It is absolutely a case of one person
making a difference, particularly because I could stay stuck in
pigheaded nastiness for quite some time.
Several years ago, when things with us were stuck and I was blaming
everything that was wrong with our lives on the past misdeeds (real
or imagined) of my husband, I had a moment of epiphany. Out of the
cosmos I was hit with the reality that my problem with the marriage
was nothing to do with what Steve did or did not do – it was entirely
about my regrets about my past choices and how they got me to where I
was that day. How freeing! Suddenly I wasn't waiting for him to
change in order for our marriage to be good. With a shift in attitude
I could let go of the past and focus on today – and only today.
Alright – so I hear you already shaking your head and muttering under
your breath that those are times when both partners are committed to
the marriage and to staying in it. Perhaps you're right. So let's
look at some of the tough case scenarios – anger/abuse, infidelity,
other addiction. Those are times you say when one person can't save
the marriage – when the destructive acts of one are too powerful or
too terrible to overcome.
At some point you are right. But I believe that point is much farther
down the road than most of us are willing to admit. It requires far
less work on our part if we can push the blame off onto someone who
is so obviously trashing the marriage instead of turning toward the
mirror and asking what we can do.
Now, I'm not talking about being nice. This is not about meeting
needs, being warm and fuzzy to your mate, or about biting your tongue
and living with a relationship that is less than desirable. I don't
do nice. I'm talking about deep, internal, difficult, personal
changes. The sorts of things that when I ask you to do them you tell
me you "can't." I'm talking about things like confronting conflict
rather than avoiding it. Being honest when you're hurting or upset.
(No shouting and fighting is not addressing conflict or being honest –
I mean calm, collected, courteous, grown up, vulnerable honesty.)
Intervening in an affair or addiction. Leaving an abusive situation.
Calling 911 and pressing charges when you are threatened or harmed.
Getting a restraining order. Refusing to enable or to play along with
a destructive situation. Tough love. Really really tough love.
When people get courage and the become willing to fully address the
things that are hurting the marriage they can make a tremendous
difference. Alone. When they take a stand for themselves and their
boundaries – when they protect their marriage the way a mother bear
protects her young – without malice and without sentimentality – they
can and they do make a difference.
I'm a big fan of pain. Without pain most of us would not change our
course of action. When we make our partner comfortable in his/her
destruction of our marriage we become as great a threat to the
marriage as the one who is cheating, addicted, or abusive. When we
refuse to enable those things, when we rock the boat, make waves, and
address our own fears of conflict we steer the rudder of our own
destiny. Only after doing so can we say that our actions made no
difference to the saving of the marriage.
Saying that it takes two is correct in the end. But as a first step
argument it's nothing more than a way to avoid the pain and the work
of our own internal changes.
P
Both need to work at it. Both need to care. Both need to……
Bunk.
One person can make a tremendous difference in the atmosphere of the
marriage – in the day to day dynamics that define what the marriage
is all about. One person, making internal shifts that take
responsibility for one's part of the marital dynamics can (and often
does) make all the difference between a marriage that is happy and
fulfilling and one that is a dismal failure.
Oftentimes when my husband and I are having a bad day (or week or
month) one of us will make a conscious decision to step of the path
of ickiness and move to a better place. More often than not, it's my
husband who does that – he being much less pigheaded than I. He'll
stop midsentence, take a deep breath and say or do something to move
us somewhere less adversarial. It is absolutely a case of one person
making a difference, particularly because I could stay stuck in
pigheaded nastiness for quite some time.
Several years ago, when things with us were stuck and I was blaming
everything that was wrong with our lives on the past misdeeds (real
or imagined) of my husband, I had a moment of epiphany. Out of the
cosmos I was hit with the reality that my problem with the marriage
was nothing to do with what Steve did or did not do – it was entirely
about my regrets about my past choices and how they got me to where I
was that day. How freeing! Suddenly I wasn't waiting for him to
change in order for our marriage to be good. With a shift in attitude
I could let go of the past and focus on today – and only today.
Alright – so I hear you already shaking your head and muttering under
your breath that those are times when both partners are committed to
the marriage and to staying in it. Perhaps you're right. So let's
look at some of the tough case scenarios – anger/abuse, infidelity,
other addiction. Those are times you say when one person can't save
the marriage – when the destructive acts of one are too powerful or
too terrible to overcome.
At some point you are right. But I believe that point is much farther
down the road than most of us are willing to admit. It requires far
less work on our part if we can push the blame off onto someone who
is so obviously trashing the marriage instead of turning toward the
mirror and asking what we can do.
Now, I'm not talking about being nice. This is not about meeting
needs, being warm and fuzzy to your mate, or about biting your tongue
and living with a relationship that is less than desirable. I don't
do nice. I'm talking about deep, internal, difficult, personal
changes. The sorts of things that when I ask you to do them you tell
me you "can't." I'm talking about things like confronting conflict
rather than avoiding it. Being honest when you're hurting or upset.
(No shouting and fighting is not addressing conflict or being honest –
I mean calm, collected, courteous, grown up, vulnerable honesty.)
Intervening in an affair or addiction. Leaving an abusive situation.
Calling 911 and pressing charges when you are threatened or harmed.
Getting a restraining order. Refusing to enable or to play along with
a destructive situation. Tough love. Really really tough love.
When people get courage and the become willing to fully address the
things that are hurting the marriage they can make a tremendous
difference. Alone. When they take a stand for themselves and their
boundaries – when they protect their marriage the way a mother bear
protects her young – without malice and without sentimentality – they
can and they do make a difference.
I'm a big fan of pain. Without pain most of us would not change our
course of action. When we make our partner comfortable in his/her
destruction of our marriage we become as great a threat to the
marriage as the one who is cheating, addicted, or abusive. When we
refuse to enable those things, when we rock the boat, make waves, and
address our own fears of conflict we steer the rudder of our own
destiny. Only after doing so can we say that our actions made no
difference to the saving of the marriage.
Saying that it takes two is correct in the end. But as a first step
argument it's nothing more than a way to avoid the pain and the work
of our own internal changes.
P
Monday, October 11, 2004
Musing on Marriage(tm) Death of a Hero
Superman died yesterday. Christopher Reeve, best know for his role as
Superman and later as an activist for spinal cord and central nervous
system research, died at the age of 52 of complications from an
infection. He was a hero not only on stage and film but in real life
as well. After a tragic accident on horseback in 1995 left him
paralyzed Reeve worked ardently as an advocate for research that
would allow not only himself to walk again but the millions of others
who suffer from similar injuries. Reeve became a real life hero of
greater proportions than Superman could ever dream of being. He was
the epitome of grace under duress.
This morning, as I heard the news on the radio, the DJ made a comment
I think was echoed in the hearts of many of Reeve's admirers around
the world, "I really believed he would walk again." Such was the
unwavering faith of the man in the wheel chair. So much so that he
inspired belief in what today is still impossible.
But Reeve was a hero in more than just his faith in the ability to
find a cure or the way he inspired others to hang on to hope. He was
a hero in that he remained, to the end, gracious, upbeat, committed
to life, and committed to living fully. He modeled the kind of
courage and dedication we ask for from individuals and couples when
their marriages are in deep crises or when they face the reality of
the struggle to recover and heal day in and day out. He didn't give
up.
``I refuse to allow a disability to determine how I live my life. I
don't mean to be reckless, but setting a goal that seems a bit
daunting actually is very helpful toward recovery,'' Reeve said of
his determination to walk again and the steps he was willing to take
to get there. Thanks to Reeve's dedication and persistence there is
hope for millions of people that never existed before.
When I worked as an EMT I was so often struck by how quickly life
changes. Between one heartbeat and the next everything we thought was
true about our lives can change. A car crash, a heart attack, being
thrown from a horse, or stumbling across a spouse's infidelity – in
one breath life will never again be the same.
So what do I want to say about this? I want to say that no matter how
terrible it seems, how impossible, improbable, or lost, the cause may
appear until one takes a final breath there is hope and there is work
to be done. Knowing what steps to take and when to take them may be
as difficult as doing the actual work. Overcoming one's own
resistance and habitual thought patterns might be a big part of the
picture. Learning to own our own feelings and reactions rather than
blaming others is incredibly demanding and usually painful. Healing a
marriage rocked by trauma of any sort is a journey of one day at a
time.
And yet – we can look to Christopher Reeve for hope and
inspiration. "Everyone" said he would never walk or feel again. With
an incredible amount of determination mixed in with new medical
experimentation, he was able to breathe for longer and longer periods
without a respirator. He was able to lift at least one finger. He
increased the strength in his arms and legs. And, he regained
sensation in other parts of his body. Every one of those things
was "impossible" before. Call me the eternal optimist but I believe
that had he lived he would have walked.
I also believe that most marriages can be saved. Not by what your
spouse may or may not do – but because of the changes you make.
Impossible you say? The ads for the Reeve's first Superman movie
said "You will believe he can fly." I did. I also believe he would
have walked. Both impossible feats. I believe in the power of thought
and hope and persistence. I believe in you.
P
Superman and later as an activist for spinal cord and central nervous
system research, died at the age of 52 of complications from an
infection. He was a hero not only on stage and film but in real life
as well. After a tragic accident on horseback in 1995 left him
paralyzed Reeve worked ardently as an advocate for research that
would allow not only himself to walk again but the millions of others
who suffer from similar injuries. Reeve became a real life hero of
greater proportions than Superman could ever dream of being. He was
the epitome of grace under duress.
This morning, as I heard the news on the radio, the DJ made a comment
I think was echoed in the hearts of many of Reeve's admirers around
the world, "I really believed he would walk again." Such was the
unwavering faith of the man in the wheel chair. So much so that he
inspired belief in what today is still impossible.
But Reeve was a hero in more than just his faith in the ability to
find a cure or the way he inspired others to hang on to hope. He was
a hero in that he remained, to the end, gracious, upbeat, committed
to life, and committed to living fully. He modeled the kind of
courage and dedication we ask for from individuals and couples when
their marriages are in deep crises or when they face the reality of
the struggle to recover and heal day in and day out. He didn't give
up.
``I refuse to allow a disability to determine how I live my life. I
don't mean to be reckless, but setting a goal that seems a bit
daunting actually is very helpful toward recovery,'' Reeve said of
his determination to walk again and the steps he was willing to take
to get there. Thanks to Reeve's dedication and persistence there is
hope for millions of people that never existed before.
When I worked as an EMT I was so often struck by how quickly life
changes. Between one heartbeat and the next everything we thought was
true about our lives can change. A car crash, a heart attack, being
thrown from a horse, or stumbling across a spouse's infidelity – in
one breath life will never again be the same.
So what do I want to say about this? I want to say that no matter how
terrible it seems, how impossible, improbable, or lost, the cause may
appear until one takes a final breath there is hope and there is work
to be done. Knowing what steps to take and when to take them may be
as difficult as doing the actual work. Overcoming one's own
resistance and habitual thought patterns might be a big part of the
picture. Learning to own our own feelings and reactions rather than
blaming others is incredibly demanding and usually painful. Healing a
marriage rocked by trauma of any sort is a journey of one day at a
time.
And yet – we can look to Christopher Reeve for hope and
inspiration. "Everyone" said he would never walk or feel again. With
an incredible amount of determination mixed in with new medical
experimentation, he was able to breathe for longer and longer periods
without a respirator. He was able to lift at least one finger. He
increased the strength in his arms and legs. And, he regained
sensation in other parts of his body. Every one of those things
was "impossible" before. Call me the eternal optimist but I believe
that had he lived he would have walked.
I also believe that most marriages can be saved. Not by what your
spouse may or may not do – but because of the changes you make.
Impossible you say? The ads for the Reeve's first Superman movie
said "You will believe he can fly." I did. I also believe he would
have walked. Both impossible feats. I believe in the power of thought
and hope and persistence. I believe in you.
P
Friday, October 1, 2004
Musing on Marriage(tm) On Being Judged
I got an email this week from a fellow marriage advocate and writer.
I'd initiated a conversation with the person to exchange information,
hoping to grow the village and benefit both our passions in this
business of saving marriages. Early in our conversation I mentioned
that I'd been the one to initiate and force a divorce in my first
marriage – something that haunts me daily when I see the effects on
my kids and on all the kids I see in situations where their families
are falling apart. And, something that I speak of very openly. It's
part of why people relate so well to me as a coach and writer.
As many of you know, this is why I'm so committed to this work. My
personal feeling is that if adults want to mess up their lives and
create a lot of pain and chaos for themselves they have every right
to do so. I feel sadness and compassion for them and will do whatever
I can to help, but as adults in a free society, they have the right
to make those kinds of choices. But once there are kids involved the
picture changes. If you read my Musing on staying together for the
kids you know that I feel very strongly about the obligation of
adults to protect and safeguard our children.
I failed at doing that. I admit it fully – have for years. And those
of you who know me well know how deeply having failed at that hurts
me. It's guilt and a sadness I know I'll never get over. It is the
one thing, the only thing that will make me cry with exactly the same
ease and swiftness as talking about the death of one of my children
many years ago. It haunts me in moments of lightheartedness and it
keeps me awake long into the night. The pain of a parent seeing the
suffering of a child, especially suffering the parent has caused, is
possibly the deepest pain we can endure.
The work that I do with couples whose marriages are not only on the
brink but falling through space brings me into daily contact with
kids whose lives are in the frenetic chaos of falling apart. I see, I
feel, I taste their pain and their terror. I watch from a distance as
they do the things my kids did when my marriage ended – the
rebellion, the failing grades, the adversarial positions they take,
the ending of their childhood. In contrast, I watch other families –
intact families – and their children. The stark difference between
the kids of families falling through space and those whose lives are
stable and secure is more pronounced than the difference between
night and day. Being a front row observer reminds me daily of the
wages of my choices. It hurts – and it makes me more determined to
stand up, speak out, and work to save and heal marriages in any way
possible.
So, this email that I got, in response to a request to combine a
couple of resources for saving marriages said this: "I feel very
uncomfortable seeing someone involved in this work if he/she is the
one who forced the divorce. It's usually the other way around---folks
get into this work because they had a divorce forced upon them."
Wowwww….. you can imagine how that was a knife twisting in my gut.
Not only was I being judged for mistakes of the past, but my ability –
no – my right to move forward and make amends through my work was
challenged, questioned. All the pain and guilt and sadness poured
over me in tidal waves that I hadn't experienced in a long long time.
Why am I telling you this? It's not to gain sympathy or to have you
say, "There, there, P, we know you do good work and we appreciate
it." No, it's to bring to awareness the terrible destruction that
comes of judging another person. At SYMC we are, to the person,
insistent upon and dedicated to the idea that we don't get to judge.
I don't care what you've done in the past – truly. I care about what
you are doing right now and whether your actions are leading you to a
life of more integrity and better choices.
Had an affair in the past? Addicted to some other substance? Anger
and abuse issues? Divorced one, two, three, four times? Sorry to hear
it, it must have been painful for everyone. Now, let's talk about
what you learned and how you can take that knowledge and wisdom and
craft a better life. What can you do to make amends? What are you
doing to ensure you never make the same mistake again? Not just for
you and your family, although you need to start there, but for the
rest of the planet as well.
Judging people, much like labeling, keeps them stuck. Judging
oneself – refusing to grant forgiveness for the things you've done in
the past – keeps you stuck as well. In fact, it's a wonderful way to
avoid the painful process of growth and renewal. If you take the
position that you did such and such and because of it are unworthy to
do something like --- oh, say marriage advocacy ---- then you're
allowing yourself to stay in a place that is less than where you
should be going. You're enabling a lifestyle of mediocrity less than
wonderful choices.
None of us is perfect. We all make mistakes. Some yield greater and
more serious consequences. But, for as long as you have breath and
spark within you, the possibility, no, the obligation to learn from
your mistakes and to use that learning as a stepping stone to
something more exists. The obligation to allow others the same chance
to grow and heal and make amends exists as well.
There's a poem (that half an hour of online searching cannot find)
which talks about our fear, not of failing, but of being truly great.
Don't let your mistakes or those of anyone around you, impede or
dissuade you from greatness. Stop judging and take positive action.
What small thing can you do today on your walk toward greatness?
Penny
I'd initiated a conversation with the person to exchange information,
hoping to grow the village and benefit both our passions in this
business of saving marriages. Early in our conversation I mentioned
that I'd been the one to initiate and force a divorce in my first
marriage – something that haunts me daily when I see the effects on
my kids and on all the kids I see in situations where their families
are falling apart. And, something that I speak of very openly. It's
part of why people relate so well to me as a coach and writer.
As many of you know, this is why I'm so committed to this work. My
personal feeling is that if adults want to mess up their lives and
create a lot of pain and chaos for themselves they have every right
to do so. I feel sadness and compassion for them and will do whatever
I can to help, but as adults in a free society, they have the right
to make those kinds of choices. But once there are kids involved the
picture changes. If you read my Musing on staying together for the
kids you know that I feel very strongly about the obligation of
adults to protect and safeguard our children.
I failed at doing that. I admit it fully – have for years. And those
of you who know me well know how deeply having failed at that hurts
me. It's guilt and a sadness I know I'll never get over. It is the
one thing, the only thing that will make me cry with exactly the same
ease and swiftness as talking about the death of one of my children
many years ago. It haunts me in moments of lightheartedness and it
keeps me awake long into the night. The pain of a parent seeing the
suffering of a child, especially suffering the parent has caused, is
possibly the deepest pain we can endure.
The work that I do with couples whose marriages are not only on the
brink but falling through space brings me into daily contact with
kids whose lives are in the frenetic chaos of falling apart. I see, I
feel, I taste their pain and their terror. I watch from a distance as
they do the things my kids did when my marriage ended – the
rebellion, the failing grades, the adversarial positions they take,
the ending of their childhood. In contrast, I watch other families –
intact families – and their children. The stark difference between
the kids of families falling through space and those whose lives are
stable and secure is more pronounced than the difference between
night and day. Being a front row observer reminds me daily of the
wages of my choices. It hurts – and it makes me more determined to
stand up, speak out, and work to save and heal marriages in any way
possible.
So, this email that I got, in response to a request to combine a
couple of resources for saving marriages said this: "I feel very
uncomfortable seeing someone involved in this work if he/she is the
one who forced the divorce. It's usually the other way around---folks
get into this work because they had a divorce forced upon them."
Wowwww….. you can imagine how that was a knife twisting in my gut.
Not only was I being judged for mistakes of the past, but my ability –
no – my right to move forward and make amends through my work was
challenged, questioned. All the pain and guilt and sadness poured
over me in tidal waves that I hadn't experienced in a long long time.
Why am I telling you this? It's not to gain sympathy or to have you
say, "There, there, P, we know you do good work and we appreciate
it." No, it's to bring to awareness the terrible destruction that
comes of judging another person. At SYMC we are, to the person,
insistent upon and dedicated to the idea that we don't get to judge.
I don't care what you've done in the past – truly. I care about what
you are doing right now and whether your actions are leading you to a
life of more integrity and better choices.
Had an affair in the past? Addicted to some other substance? Anger
and abuse issues? Divorced one, two, three, four times? Sorry to hear
it, it must have been painful for everyone. Now, let's talk about
what you learned and how you can take that knowledge and wisdom and
craft a better life. What can you do to make amends? What are you
doing to ensure you never make the same mistake again? Not just for
you and your family, although you need to start there, but for the
rest of the planet as well.
Judging people, much like labeling, keeps them stuck. Judging
oneself – refusing to grant forgiveness for the things you've done in
the past – keeps you stuck as well. In fact, it's a wonderful way to
avoid the painful process of growth and renewal. If you take the
position that you did such and such and because of it are unworthy to
do something like --- oh, say marriage advocacy ---- then you're
allowing yourself to stay in a place that is less than where you
should be going. You're enabling a lifestyle of mediocrity less than
wonderful choices.
None of us is perfect. We all make mistakes. Some yield greater and
more serious consequences. But, for as long as you have breath and
spark within you, the possibility, no, the obligation to learn from
your mistakes and to use that learning as a stepping stone to
something more exists. The obligation to allow others the same chance
to grow and heal and make amends exists as well.
There's a poem (that half an hour of online searching cannot find)
which talks about our fear, not of failing, but of being truly great.
Don't let your mistakes or those of anyone around you, impede or
dissuade you from greatness. Stop judging and take positive action.
What small thing can you do today on your walk toward greatness?
Penny
Musing on Marriage(tm) Woodlands or Fields?
I live in rural western Wisconsin, a bucolic paradise of quickly
disappearing family dairy farms and little towns that have never
heard of Starbucks or Target. (I didn't say I liked it, I said I live
here ….) Anyway, as I was saying…. This is a beautiful spot on the
planet, rolling hills, woods, fields, pastures, and picturesque
farmsteads for miles and miles.
A couple of years ago when one of my boys was in Cub Scouts we had an
opportunity to take a ride in a small plane with one of the other
scout's dad who generously offered his plane and his time. We flew
from the little airport about 40 miles from us up over our little
town and back along the river – seeing quite a bit of the surrounding
countryside.
What an eye opener! Driving along the highways or county roads you
roll past miles and miles of fields and pasture with the occasional
hill of trees in the distance. From the vantage point of a car (or
pickup!) this part of the world is mostly open fields with a few
wooded areas tossed in for good effect. But from the air – with a
larger, farther reaching view, an entirely different picture presents
itself. In reality the woods are enormous, covering more than half
the surface of the earth in comparison to roads, fields, and
pastures. Who knew!? Not being a bird, or having a plane of my own, I
had no reason to think the landscape was any different than what I
saw from the highway. That little jaunt in a twin engine prop plane
changed my vision of where I live.
So what's that got to do with marriage? Glad you asked. The having to
do with marriage part is all about a shift in awareness – of seeing
things from a different perspective and realizing that simply because
you have always seen things in one way or another does not mean that
it is the only way to see those things.
In the early months of my career as a coach, Harvey*, whom I had
mentored on and off over the course of a year, asked me to coach him
through a difficult time in his marriage. His wife had moved out of
the house after having had an affair and she was on the verge of
filing for divorce. Her primary complaint about the marriage was
Harvey's anger and control tactics. She told him that over the course
of their 20+ year marriage she had been mostly unhappy.
Now, if you do work with couples experiencing infidelity you know
that a re-write of history is common, and perhaps that's what
Harvey's wife was doing. However, having mentored Harvey for close to
a year and then working as his coach it was readily apparent that he
did have problems with both anger and control. He would rant at me at
least once a week, twist things around, becoming both demanding and
disrespectful – I could see why his wife complained and I believe
that she had been truly unhappy.
Harvey, on the other hand, just couldn't see it. He said something to
me that since that time a whole host of men have said about their
wives' version of their marital history "When is she going to wake up
and realize that she's wrong and that we had lots and lots of good
times?" Harvey was just like me rolling along in a car across western
Wisconsin – seeing only the open fields with the trees in the
background. He didn't have the point of view to see that the trees
really covered a much greater part of the landscape than the fields
visible from the road.
Other versions of Harvey's statement are – "But I have pictures of
us at where she is smiling and laughing," or "I
remember going to and that she had a good time,"
or "We had lots of times where she was happy," or any number of
versions of the same refrain.
Interestingly, I only get this insistence that the past was wonderful
from men whose partners have left. And, even more interesting is
almost without fail these are men who have demonstrated problems with
control, anger, and abuse – verbal or physical. I have not (at least
as of today) heard a woman say the same thing about her spouse who
has pulled back from the marriage. There's probably a whole week of
Musings on the difference between men and women and how they react to
emotional situations, but that's for another time.
What I want to highlight today is the need to accept and validate
what the other person is saying about his – or in these cases her –
reality. Harvey's wife and the wives of many other men are seeing the
marriage from the air. To them, the good times are tiny open fields
edging the highway but the overriding picture of the marriage is a
forest of hurt and sadness. When they look back at their years of
being married they see little pockets of smiles, mostly at events or
activities maybe on holidays, and endless miles of tears.
If these husbands want to change the tide of the marriage – if they
hope to have a chance of enticing their wives back they need to stop
arguing about whether or not she was happy. A dozen (or a thousand)
pictures of a smiling woman do not a happy marriage make. Instead
they need to accept that her reality, although different from theirs,
is as real to her as his is to him. Instead of waiting for her
to `wake up' these husbands must accept at face value what she is
saying – she was unhappy, the marriage was not a wonderful place for
her, and then he needs to do something about it.
Changing one's vision of reality is often difficult. Unless we can
experience what someone else is experiencing it's virtually
impossible for us to know what it's like. We can imagine – but we
struggle to hold in our consciousness a point of view different than
our own. This, I believe, is why I see this phenomenon in men with
control problems. Control and the ensuing anger come from the idea
that our way is the only way and that we have a right to insist on
getting our way at any cost to the other person. Tunnel vision. The
inability to understand that there is a way to view something that is
different from our usual position. Rigidity.
Today, three or four years after my eye opening ride in that plane, I
sometimes forget that there are vast expanses of woods beyond the
fields and pastures that line the highways of rural Wisconsin. But
when I stop to think about it, I know they're there. In my minds eye
I can envision the hills and bluffs covered with trees. If your wife
is telling you she's unhappy – that she's been unhappy for a long
time – don't argue! Just because you see things from the front seat
of the car doesn't mean that another reality doesn't exist. Fly with
her – ask her to tell you about her reality. And then ask her what
you can do to make the next leg of the trip one that is much more
satisfying for her. And then, do it.
Happy Flying,
Penny
*Name changed to protect privacy and confidentiality
disappearing family dairy farms and little towns that have never
heard of Starbucks or Target. (I didn't say I liked it, I said I live
here ….) Anyway, as I was saying…. This is a beautiful spot on the
planet, rolling hills, woods, fields, pastures, and picturesque
farmsteads for miles and miles.
A couple of years ago when one of my boys was in Cub Scouts we had an
opportunity to take a ride in a small plane with one of the other
scout's dad who generously offered his plane and his time. We flew
from the little airport about 40 miles from us up over our little
town and back along the river – seeing quite a bit of the surrounding
countryside.
What an eye opener! Driving along the highways or county roads you
roll past miles and miles of fields and pasture with the occasional
hill of trees in the distance. From the vantage point of a car (or
pickup!) this part of the world is mostly open fields with a few
wooded areas tossed in for good effect. But from the air – with a
larger, farther reaching view, an entirely different picture presents
itself. In reality the woods are enormous, covering more than half
the surface of the earth in comparison to roads, fields, and
pastures. Who knew!? Not being a bird, or having a plane of my own, I
had no reason to think the landscape was any different than what I
saw from the highway. That little jaunt in a twin engine prop plane
changed my vision of where I live.
So what's that got to do with marriage? Glad you asked. The having to
do with marriage part is all about a shift in awareness – of seeing
things from a different perspective and realizing that simply because
you have always seen things in one way or another does not mean that
it is the only way to see those things.
In the early months of my career as a coach, Harvey*, whom I had
mentored on and off over the course of a year, asked me to coach him
through a difficult time in his marriage. His wife had moved out of
the house after having had an affair and she was on the verge of
filing for divorce. Her primary complaint about the marriage was
Harvey's anger and control tactics. She told him that over the course
of their 20+ year marriage she had been mostly unhappy.
Now, if you do work with couples experiencing infidelity you know
that a re-write of history is common, and perhaps that's what
Harvey's wife was doing. However, having mentored Harvey for close to
a year and then working as his coach it was readily apparent that he
did have problems with both anger and control. He would rant at me at
least once a week, twist things around, becoming both demanding and
disrespectful – I could see why his wife complained and I believe
that she had been truly unhappy.
Harvey, on the other hand, just couldn't see it. He said something to
me that since that time a whole host of men have said about their
wives' version of their marital history "When is she going to wake up
and realize that she's wrong and that we had lots and lots of good
times?" Harvey was just like me rolling along in a car across western
Wisconsin – seeing only the open fields with the trees in the
background. He didn't have the point of view to see that the trees
really covered a much greater part of the landscape than the fields
visible from the road.
Other versions of Harvey's statement are – "But I have pictures of
us at
remember going to
or "We had lots of times where she was happy," or any number of
versions of the same refrain.
Interestingly, I only get this insistence that the past was wonderful
from men whose partners have left. And, even more interesting is
almost without fail these are men who have demonstrated problems with
control, anger, and abuse – verbal or physical. I have not (at least
as of today) heard a woman say the same thing about her spouse who
has pulled back from the marriage. There's probably a whole week of
Musings on the difference between men and women and how they react to
emotional situations, but that's for another time.
What I want to highlight today is the need to accept and validate
what the other person is saying about his – or in these cases her –
reality. Harvey's wife and the wives of many other men are seeing the
marriage from the air. To them, the good times are tiny open fields
edging the highway but the overriding picture of the marriage is a
forest of hurt and sadness. When they look back at their years of
being married they see little pockets of smiles, mostly at events or
activities maybe on holidays, and endless miles of tears.
If these husbands want to change the tide of the marriage – if they
hope to have a chance of enticing their wives back they need to stop
arguing about whether or not she was happy. A dozen (or a thousand)
pictures of a smiling woman do not a happy marriage make. Instead
they need to accept that her reality, although different from theirs,
is as real to her as his is to him. Instead of waiting for her
to `wake up' these husbands must accept at face value what she is
saying – she was unhappy, the marriage was not a wonderful place for
her, and then he needs to do something about it.
Changing one's vision of reality is often difficult. Unless we can
experience what someone else is experiencing it's virtually
impossible for us to know what it's like. We can imagine – but we
struggle to hold in our consciousness a point of view different than
our own. This, I believe, is why I see this phenomenon in men with
control problems. Control and the ensuing anger come from the idea
that our way is the only way and that we have a right to insist on
getting our way at any cost to the other person. Tunnel vision. The
inability to understand that there is a way to view something that is
different from our usual position. Rigidity.
Today, three or four years after my eye opening ride in that plane, I
sometimes forget that there are vast expanses of woods beyond the
fields and pastures that line the highways of rural Wisconsin. But
when I stop to think about it, I know they're there. In my minds eye
I can envision the hills and bluffs covered with trees. If your wife
is telling you she's unhappy – that she's been unhappy for a long
time – don't argue! Just because you see things from the front seat
of the car doesn't mean that another reality doesn't exist. Fly with
her – ask her to tell you about her reality. And then ask her what
you can do to make the next leg of the trip one that is much more
satisfying for her. And then, do it.
Happy Flying,
Penny
*Name changed to protect privacy and confidentiality
Wednesday, September 29, 2004
Musing On Marriage(tm) Staying Together "For the Kids"
Before the "me" generation of the late 60's and 70's married couples
with children tended to stay married for a lot of reasons that aren't
as powerfully present in today's world. Women now make up nearly 50%
of the workforce in the US and we generate more than half of the US
economy. Women are not as likely to stay married due to financial
dependence as they were in the past. Women are also better educated
and less dependent overall. The sexual revolution of the 60's and
70's made it possible not only to remove pregnancy from sex but it
also displaced the idea of sex only within marriage and not until
marriage. Religion, which played a strong role in keeping couples
together has become less and less of a motivating force. Some studies
suggest that the rate of divorce is higher in the "Bible Belt" than
elsewhere. The Catholic Church, once the last holdout against
divorce, now takes a circuitous route to acceptance with the
annulment process – claiming the marriage was never valid to begin
with. And even those Catholics who divorce without seeking an
annulment find acceptance – if not in their home parishes in
neighboring Christian communities. The untouched factor for many
years continued to be staying together for the sake of the kids.
We've all known couples who were passionately unhappily married but
who gritted their teeth and stuck it out. For the kids. The parents
who couldn't stand the sight of each other but who sat down to dinner
each night as a family, celebrated holidays as a family, attended
school functions as a family, and created a stable home – as a
family – from which the children would inevitably move away from and
into their own lives as adults. These parents stayed together,
sacrificing the best years of their lives – pouring the hearts and
souls into their work and their hobbies to avoid the pain of their
failed marriages – mostly because they believed doing so was in the
best interest of the children.
Were they right? I don't know that there's a definitive answer to
that. What I do know is the carnage I see day after day in the
divorced families where staying together for the sake of the children
no longer is an option. In fact, the concept itself seems to be
disappearing from our consciousness. Now we hear about the need for
self actualization. The need to find oneself or to pursue one's
passions (often that translates to the person waiting in the wings).
The need to realize one's own dreams, even if that means shattering
the lives of the people closest to oneself. We don't talk much,
anymore, about staying together for the sake of the children, and
when we do it's in pitying tones for those who choose that route. As
if they've somehow failed the rest of us by their dedication to the
wellbeing of their offspring.
The pendulum has indeed swung in the other direction. Which of course
raises the question of whether there is a middle ground – a place of
balance between self and other. At what point does one sacrifice too
much of self for another, even ones' own child? And at what point is
one being selfish is pursuit of personal fulfillment? Is staying in
the marriage purely for the sake of the children something to be
looked down on or even feared?
Should we stay in a miserable marriage solely for the sake of the
children? I think the question needs looking at in a slightly
different light. Would I ask someone to stay in an unhappy marriage
just for the children without doing anything proactive to change the
marriage? No, I don't think so. But then, I wouldn't advocate going
to work just for the paycheck without actively participating in the
job one was hired to do. Both seem to be a recipe for frustration
verging on madness.
So let's change the question around a bit. Is the welfare of the
children reason enough to stick it out and work on an ill marriage,
even if there seems to be no feelings and no hope? To that I say a
resounding, Yes!
I'm really not picky about the reasons why people choose to stay in a
marriage, giving it another shot at recovery. In fact, it seems to me
that honoring one's obligations as parents, guardians, and nurturers
of the next generation is one of the better reasons to do so. What I
don't want to see is the old paradigm of staying for the kids and
enduring a life of misery. Stay for the kids – and then work hard and
work smart to effect positive change in the marriage.
with children tended to stay married for a lot of reasons that aren't
as powerfully present in today's world. Women now make up nearly 50%
of the workforce in the US and we generate more than half of the US
economy. Women are not as likely to stay married due to financial
dependence as they were in the past. Women are also better educated
and less dependent overall. The sexual revolution of the 60's and
70's made it possible not only to remove pregnancy from sex but it
also displaced the idea of sex only within marriage and not until
marriage. Religion, which played a strong role in keeping couples
together has become less and less of a motivating force. Some studies
suggest that the rate of divorce is higher in the "Bible Belt" than
elsewhere. The Catholic Church, once the last holdout against
divorce, now takes a circuitous route to acceptance with the
annulment process – claiming the marriage was never valid to begin
with. And even those Catholics who divorce without seeking an
annulment find acceptance – if not in their home parishes in
neighboring Christian communities. The untouched factor for many
years continued to be staying together for the sake of the kids.
We've all known couples who were passionately unhappily married but
who gritted their teeth and stuck it out. For the kids. The parents
who couldn't stand the sight of each other but who sat down to dinner
each night as a family, celebrated holidays as a family, attended
school functions as a family, and created a stable home – as a
family – from which the children would inevitably move away from and
into their own lives as adults. These parents stayed together,
sacrificing the best years of their lives – pouring the hearts and
souls into their work and their hobbies to avoid the pain of their
failed marriages – mostly because they believed doing so was in the
best interest of the children.
Were they right? I don't know that there's a definitive answer to
that. What I do know is the carnage I see day after day in the
divorced families where staying together for the sake of the children
no longer is an option. In fact, the concept itself seems to be
disappearing from our consciousness. Now we hear about the need for
self actualization. The need to find oneself or to pursue one's
passions (often that translates to the person waiting in the wings).
The need to realize one's own dreams, even if that means shattering
the lives of the people closest to oneself. We don't talk much,
anymore, about staying together for the sake of the children, and
when we do it's in pitying tones for those who choose that route. As
if they've somehow failed the rest of us by their dedication to the
wellbeing of their offspring.
The pendulum has indeed swung in the other direction. Which of course
raises the question of whether there is a middle ground – a place of
balance between self and other. At what point does one sacrifice too
much of self for another, even ones' own child? And at what point is
one being selfish is pursuit of personal fulfillment? Is staying in
the marriage purely for the sake of the children something to be
looked down on or even feared?
Should we stay in a miserable marriage solely for the sake of the
children? I think the question needs looking at in a slightly
different light. Would I ask someone to stay in an unhappy marriage
just for the children without doing anything proactive to change the
marriage? No, I don't think so. But then, I wouldn't advocate going
to work just for the paycheck without actively participating in the
job one was hired to do. Both seem to be a recipe for frustration
verging on madness.
So let's change the question around a bit. Is the welfare of the
children reason enough to stick it out and work on an ill marriage,
even if there seems to be no feelings and no hope? To that I say a
resounding, Yes!
I'm really not picky about the reasons why people choose to stay in a
marriage, giving it another shot at recovery. In fact, it seems to me
that honoring one's obligations as parents, guardians, and nurturers
of the next generation is one of the better reasons to do so. What I
don't want to see is the old paradigm of staying for the kids and
enduring a life of misery. Stay for the kids – and then work hard and
work smart to effect positive change in the marriage.
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
Musing on Marriage(tm) A Wedding
I went to a wedding this past weekend. It was a beautiful event. The
bride wore her mother's wedding dress, the flowers were a colorful
array of wildflowers and roses, the ceremony was elegantly simple
without all the pomp and hoopla that distract from the solemnity of
the day, and the couple seemed truly and deeply in love with each
other. It was one of the most delightful weddings I've ever attended.
I sobbed internally through the entire ritual.
Those of you who know me know that I cry at the drop of a hat. I
cried watching the riverboats make their way up the Mississippi for
the Grand Excursion this July. I cried at the series finale of
Friends. And I cry every year just watching Independence Day
celebrations. But this was different. This was more than emotion
running over at the eyelids; this was tears of loss and sorrow and a
feeling of impending doom.
See, what I know is that no matter how beautiful the wedding or how
deeply connected the couple seems as they stand there at the altar or
dance their first dance their chances of "forsaking all others til
death do us part," is pretty slim. The numbers are not in their
favor. Sixty to eighty percent of marriages in the US are struck by
the ravages of infidelity. The incidence of wives having affairs is
increasing drastically with the ease of emotional connection via the
internet. Sexual addiction (a form of infidelity) is at epidemic
proportions.
Every day I talk to clients or receive email and phone calls from
people around the world telling me the stories of the tragedies which
strike their marriages. And as I watched this young couple, so
obviously in love, I wondered how long it would be before the wedding
pictures and video would be the source of greatest pain rather than
joy. And the tears fell silently in my heart.
As I watched them exchange their vows and I listened to the priest
speak about the covenant of marriage (lifelong, exclusive, and
created) my mind went to a dear friend who was experiencing his 21st
wedding anniversary – newly divorced after his wife's multiple
affairs. And I cried.
As they cut their cake and walked among their guests I thought of
someone close to me whose husband has left her yet again for another
woman – caught in the horror of his addiction and unable to break
free. I saw her internal strength and commitment in the face of this
betrayal. And I cried.
As I watched them dance their first dance, laughing and smiling into
each other's eyes I thought of my own first marriage. So many years
and so many lost dreams ago. And my heart felt as if it would never
be happy again.
Infidelity is a catastrophic event that wreaks destruction every bit
as great as hurricane, tornado, or earthquake. The internal landscape
of all whom it touches is changed forever. People recover, some go on
to contribute to society in a way that they might never have done but
for the loss in their lives. But none of us would ever choose such a
path willingly.
With all my heart I hope and pray that this young couple will never
experience or even know of the sorrows I see and hear daily. I wish
them many years of honesty, friendship, love and companionship. And I
grieve for those whose dreams of such are shattered.
bride wore her mother's wedding dress, the flowers were a colorful
array of wildflowers and roses, the ceremony was elegantly simple
without all the pomp and hoopla that distract from the solemnity of
the day, and the couple seemed truly and deeply in love with each
other. It was one of the most delightful weddings I've ever attended.
I sobbed internally through the entire ritual.
Those of you who know me know that I cry at the drop of a hat. I
cried watching the riverboats make their way up the Mississippi for
the Grand Excursion this July. I cried at the series finale of
Friends. And I cry every year just watching Independence Day
celebrations. But this was different. This was more than emotion
running over at the eyelids; this was tears of loss and sorrow and a
feeling of impending doom.
See, what I know is that no matter how beautiful the wedding or how
deeply connected the couple seems as they stand there at the altar or
dance their first dance their chances of "forsaking all others til
death do us part," is pretty slim. The numbers are not in their
favor. Sixty to eighty percent of marriages in the US are struck by
the ravages of infidelity. The incidence of wives having affairs is
increasing drastically with the ease of emotional connection via the
internet. Sexual addiction (a form of infidelity) is at epidemic
proportions.
Every day I talk to clients or receive email and phone calls from
people around the world telling me the stories of the tragedies which
strike their marriages. And as I watched this young couple, so
obviously in love, I wondered how long it would be before the wedding
pictures and video would be the source of greatest pain rather than
joy. And the tears fell silently in my heart.
As I watched them exchange their vows and I listened to the priest
speak about the covenant of marriage (lifelong, exclusive, and
created) my mind went to a dear friend who was experiencing his 21st
wedding anniversary – newly divorced after his wife's multiple
affairs. And I cried.
As they cut their cake and walked among their guests I thought of
someone close to me whose husband has left her yet again for another
woman – caught in the horror of his addiction and unable to break
free. I saw her internal strength and commitment in the face of this
betrayal. And I cried.
As I watched them dance their first dance, laughing and smiling into
each other's eyes I thought of my own first marriage. So many years
and so many lost dreams ago. And my heart felt as if it would never
be happy again.
Infidelity is a catastrophic event that wreaks destruction every bit
as great as hurricane, tornado, or earthquake. The internal landscape
of all whom it touches is changed forever. People recover, some go on
to contribute to society in a way that they might never have done but
for the loss in their lives. But none of us would ever choose such a
path willingly.
With all my heart I hope and pray that this young couple will never
experience or even know of the sorrows I see and hear daily. I wish
them many years of honesty, friendship, love and companionship. And I
grieve for those whose dreams of such are shattered.
Friday, June 25, 2004
Musing on Marriage(tm) Infidelity and the Egg
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the King's horses
And all the King's men
Couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again
I'm often asked why people who have affairs must permanently end all
contact with their affair partner if their marriage is to recover and
heal. After all, they were often friends with the lover prior to the
affair and they don't want to lose the friendship along with all the
other losses an affair leaves in its wake.
There are lots of quick and easy answers to that question. Ongoing
contact is offensive and painful for the spouse, the affair is likely
to rekindle, true healing of the marriage can't begin while the
involved spouse is still emotionally connected to the affair partner.
They are all valid reasons and there are good scientific reasons to
back them up. So what more is there to say? I had a sudden visual
image the other day that spoke to me about this issue and I'm hoping
I can relay it in a way that makes it clearer.
The vast majority of affairs occur with someone we know. A close
friend, co-worker, or even family member. Prior to an affair, even
relationships as close as long term friendships retain a level of
distance. Shirley Glass (Not Just Friends, 2003) describes it well
when she speaks about the walls healthy marriages have erected around
the couple to protect them from outside risks.
Intimacy requires vulnerability. As an affair couple moves along the
continuum from friendship to lover layers of protection are peeled
away. Topics that were off limits become primary areas of
conversation. Touch that is reserved for the marriage is now
exchanged with someone outside the marriage. Looks that pass between
lovers are different than those that pass between friends and that
layer or protection is now peeled away as well. Little by little, the
walls that surround and protect the marriage are breached. The layers
of distance are stripped away leaving the partners open, vulnerable,
and intimately known at a level deeper than merely friendship.
When couples connect at this level they come to know each other in a
way that cannot be reversed. They cannot unknow what they have come
to see beneath the layers. Nor can they disconnect entirely from the
intimacy that knowing creates.
When the affair ends, as most do, the layers of protection are gone.
Just as all the King's Horses and all the King's Men couldn't put
Humpty Dumpty together again – neither can we replace the layers
covering the deepest most vulnerable parts of our being. We have
been seen and we cannot remove the memory of that vision. An orange,
once peeled, is forever revealed. The same is true of the human heart
and soul.
Years later, an old flame – long forgotten and newly met – can touch
us in ways someone who has not known us so deeply has no power to do.
We know the inner core of our former loves, and they ours. This is,
at the primal level, the reason contact with an affair partner must
permanently end. That knowing – that depth of connection – cannot be
undone. To remain in contact is to ever put the marriage at risk. To
remain in contact sabotages our ability to recreate that level of
knowingness and intimacy with our mate.
This is why our spouses are so offended and threatened with continued
or renewed contact. They intuitively sense the missing protective
layers of unknowing. They instinctively recognize the connection that
has been created and the danger is poses to the marriage. They know
in their depths that as long as contact continues healing cannot
fully occur.
Friends can easily become lovers. But the reverse is not true. Lovers
cannot easily become "just" friends.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the King's horses
And all the King's men
Couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again
I'm often asked why people who have affairs must permanently end all
contact with their affair partner if their marriage is to recover and
heal. After all, they were often friends with the lover prior to the
affair and they don't want to lose the friendship along with all the
other losses an affair leaves in its wake.
There are lots of quick and easy answers to that question. Ongoing
contact is offensive and painful for the spouse, the affair is likely
to rekindle, true healing of the marriage can't begin while the
involved spouse is still emotionally connected to the affair partner.
They are all valid reasons and there are good scientific reasons to
back them up. So what more is there to say? I had a sudden visual
image the other day that spoke to me about this issue and I'm hoping
I can relay it in a way that makes it clearer.
The vast majority of affairs occur with someone we know. A close
friend, co-worker, or even family member. Prior to an affair, even
relationships as close as long term friendships retain a level of
distance. Shirley Glass (Not Just Friends, 2003) describes it well
when she speaks about the walls healthy marriages have erected around
the couple to protect them from outside risks.
Intimacy requires vulnerability. As an affair couple moves along the
continuum from friendship to lover layers of protection are peeled
away. Topics that were off limits become primary areas of
conversation. Touch that is reserved for the marriage is now
exchanged with someone outside the marriage. Looks that pass between
lovers are different than those that pass between friends and that
layer or protection is now peeled away as well. Little by little, the
walls that surround and protect the marriage are breached. The layers
of distance are stripped away leaving the partners open, vulnerable,
and intimately known at a level deeper than merely friendship.
When couples connect at this level they come to know each other in a
way that cannot be reversed. They cannot unknow what they have come
to see beneath the layers. Nor can they disconnect entirely from the
intimacy that knowing creates.
When the affair ends, as most do, the layers of protection are gone.
Just as all the King's Horses and all the King's Men couldn't put
Humpty Dumpty together again – neither can we replace the layers
covering the deepest most vulnerable parts of our being. We have
been seen and we cannot remove the memory of that vision. An orange,
once peeled, is forever revealed. The same is true of the human heart
and soul.
Years later, an old flame – long forgotten and newly met – can touch
us in ways someone who has not known us so deeply has no power to do.
We know the inner core of our former loves, and they ours. This is,
at the primal level, the reason contact with an affair partner must
permanently end. That knowing – that depth of connection – cannot be
undone. To remain in contact is to ever put the marriage at risk. To
remain in contact sabotages our ability to recreate that level of
knowingness and intimacy with our mate.
This is why our spouses are so offended and threatened with continued
or renewed contact. They intuitively sense the missing protective
layers of unknowing. They instinctively recognize the connection that
has been created and the danger is poses to the marriage. They know
in their depths that as long as contact continues healing cannot
fully occur.
Friends can easily become lovers. But the reverse is not true. Lovers
cannot easily become "just" friends.
Saturday, June 19, 2004
Musing on Marriage(tm) Infidelity and the Cat
My cat got in a fight the other night. A raucous screeching fight
that jerked us awake at 2am. When you share acreage with coyotes,
eagles, rabbits, pheasants, and stray cats, as we do, the sounds of
nighttime hostilities are not all that unusual. But the unmistakable
absence of the cat the next morning along with the bits of fur near
the patio confirmed my worst fears. He'd tangled with something more
than he'd bargained for.
We spent the day checking outbuildings and walking paths in the
woods – hoping against hope to find him. Preferably in one piece. To
no avail. Finally, at about 4pm, he sauntered on to the patio, took a
sip from the dog's dish and walked into the house as if nothing had
happened. But by evening it was clear he was not feeling well. Our
usually friendly and active pet planted himself in a spot in the
front hall – not moving except to turn around once in a while.
The family conferred and it was decided that unless he was greatly
improved by morning we'd be visiting the vet the next day. When
morning came he was still holding fort in his spot in the hallway,
refusing food, and feeling warm to the touch. I called the vet.
Unlike most cats I've had, Mischief likes to go for rides in the car.
But he's really not all that thrilled about visiting the vet. A
shaved head (to get a good look at his wounds), thermometer reading,
and shot of penicillin later, he was a very unhappy kitty. The vet
sent us home with a bottle of once a day antibiotics and instructions
to clean the wound daily. Yes, a very unhappy kitty indeed.
I have this theory that you can tell when pets are feeling a whole
lot better because they fight like crazy to avoid taking their
medication. This time was not any different. The first day – not a
problem. The second day – he managed to get a good dig into my son's
arm with his claws in the process. The third day – the first attempt
sent the dropper scuttling across the kitchen floor, the second
attempt he spit out all over me and my son. After that, he wouldn't
come near me the rest of the day and treated all attempts on my part
to be friendly with complete disdain.
The fourth day – today – I couldn't bring myself to try again. He was
looking good, acting well, and still mad at me for the previous day's
attempt. I decided not to even try. And then, my son came to me
holding the cat. "Mom, we need to give Mischief his medicine – aren't
you going to do it?" he asked.
"Well, uhmmm, I was thinking I wouldn't, " I said.
"But I want to make sure he's better."
"I know, " I sighed, "but I don't want him to be mad at me again…"
And that's when it hit me. This is exactly what happens to my clients
when I ask them to do what I know is needed to help create the
conditions that bring about an end to their spouse's affair. They
love their mate and don't want him or her to be mad at them. They
want to be the nice one, the good guy, the one who is loving and kind
and supportive. Not the one upsetting their partner's world with all
kinds of unpleasantness.
A sick cat well on the mend is a small issue. I can deal with the cat
being mad at me – he'll get over it – he's a cat, and I feed him. But
how incredibly frightening it is for husbands and wives whose spouses
have done the unthinkable to rock the boat even further. It feels
like the final shove over the edge of a cliff – when the marriage is
already teetering precariously. And yet, like giving Mischief his
medication, it needs to be done.
Illness and the painful steps we need to take in order to overcome it
are easy to recognize and understand. But infidelity hides under the
guise of a love story. It confuses and blinds us to the very real
parallels between an affair and an illness. If we are to save the
marriage and move it away from the cliff and back towards healing we
must first address the illness, the addiction, of an affair. Doing so
requires unpleasantness.
The betrayed spouse, determined to save the marriage, is not allowed
the luxury of giving into emotions or instincts. Instead, they must
steel themselves against the emotional onslaught and take direct
action. Expose the affair. Confront the spouse and the affair
partner. Tell what they know and how they know it. Ask for help from
friends, family, and other influential people in their lives. And if
none of that brings about the end of the affair – they must protect
the marriage by separating entirely until the affair comes to an end
of its own accord. And yes, the straying partner, will indeed be very
angry.
"I don't want him to be mad at me." A normal compassionate desire.
True compassion however, looks below the surface of our own fear of
rejection and abandonment to the greater good. Often times in life we
must cause pain in order to ward off more harm. Infidelity may very
well be one of the greatest tests of our ability to do so.
that jerked us awake at 2am. When you share acreage with coyotes,
eagles, rabbits, pheasants, and stray cats, as we do, the sounds of
nighttime hostilities are not all that unusual. But the unmistakable
absence of the cat the next morning along with the bits of fur near
the patio confirmed my worst fears. He'd tangled with something more
than he'd bargained for.
We spent the day checking outbuildings and walking paths in the
woods – hoping against hope to find him. Preferably in one piece. To
no avail. Finally, at about 4pm, he sauntered on to the patio, took a
sip from the dog's dish and walked into the house as if nothing had
happened. But by evening it was clear he was not feeling well. Our
usually friendly and active pet planted himself in a spot in the
front hall – not moving except to turn around once in a while.
The family conferred and it was decided that unless he was greatly
improved by morning we'd be visiting the vet the next day. When
morning came he was still holding fort in his spot in the hallway,
refusing food, and feeling warm to the touch. I called the vet.
Unlike most cats I've had, Mischief likes to go for rides in the car.
But he's really not all that thrilled about visiting the vet. A
shaved head (to get a good look at his wounds), thermometer reading,
and shot of penicillin later, he was a very unhappy kitty. The vet
sent us home with a bottle of once a day antibiotics and instructions
to clean the wound daily. Yes, a very unhappy kitty indeed.
I have this theory that you can tell when pets are feeling a whole
lot better because they fight like crazy to avoid taking their
medication. This time was not any different. The first day – not a
problem. The second day – he managed to get a good dig into my son's
arm with his claws in the process. The third day – the first attempt
sent the dropper scuttling across the kitchen floor, the second
attempt he spit out all over me and my son. After that, he wouldn't
come near me the rest of the day and treated all attempts on my part
to be friendly with complete disdain.
The fourth day – today – I couldn't bring myself to try again. He was
looking good, acting well, and still mad at me for the previous day's
attempt. I decided not to even try. And then, my son came to me
holding the cat. "Mom, we need to give Mischief his medicine – aren't
you going to do it?" he asked.
"Well, uhmmm, I was thinking I wouldn't, " I said.
"But I want to make sure he's better."
"I know, " I sighed, "but I don't want him to be mad at me again…"
And that's when it hit me. This is exactly what happens to my clients
when I ask them to do what I know is needed to help create the
conditions that bring about an end to their spouse's affair. They
love their mate and don't want him or her to be mad at them. They
want to be the nice one, the good guy, the one who is loving and kind
and supportive. Not the one upsetting their partner's world with all
kinds of unpleasantness.
A sick cat well on the mend is a small issue. I can deal with the cat
being mad at me – he'll get over it – he's a cat, and I feed him. But
how incredibly frightening it is for husbands and wives whose spouses
have done the unthinkable to rock the boat even further. It feels
like the final shove over the edge of a cliff – when the marriage is
already teetering precariously. And yet, like giving Mischief his
medication, it needs to be done.
Illness and the painful steps we need to take in order to overcome it
are easy to recognize and understand. But infidelity hides under the
guise of a love story. It confuses and blinds us to the very real
parallels between an affair and an illness. If we are to save the
marriage and move it away from the cliff and back towards healing we
must first address the illness, the addiction, of an affair. Doing so
requires unpleasantness.
The betrayed spouse, determined to save the marriage, is not allowed
the luxury of giving into emotions or instincts. Instead, they must
steel themselves against the emotional onslaught and take direct
action. Expose the affair. Confront the spouse and the affair
partner. Tell what they know and how they know it. Ask for help from
friends, family, and other influential people in their lives. And if
none of that brings about the end of the affair – they must protect
the marriage by separating entirely until the affair comes to an end
of its own accord. And yes, the straying partner, will indeed be very
angry.
"I don't want him to be mad at me." A normal compassionate desire.
True compassion however, looks below the surface of our own fear of
rejection and abandonment to the greater good. Often times in life we
must cause pain in order to ward off more harm. Infidelity may very
well be one of the greatest tests of our ability to do so.
Wednesday, June 9, 2004
Musing on Marriage(tm) Holes in the Roof
I love houses. Always have. A favorite weekend recreation is to tour
the semi annual parade of homes or to check out the newest open
models in the upscale developments around the area. During my
thirties I was an avid member of the National Trust for Historic
Preservation; my fun reading was made up of publications such
as "Early American Life" and "Preservation." I've lived in an old
house, built at the turn of the last century, and in an historic
house of a modern sort – built in the `40's with design elements
which were decades ahead of their time. For several years I had a
recreational decorating and design business. I helped restore a
Victorian, once facing condemnation, to near museum quality
standards. I've painted concrete floors to look like marble, designed
my kitchen from the walls out, and made strategic suggestions for the
structural elements of our current state of remodel. I love houses.
And in fact, when I travel to other parts of the country I am far
more likely to photograph the residential architecture than I am to
record the family on vacation. (Much to the chagrin of my children in
later years..)
So, what does this have to do with marriage? Well, I live in the
upper Midwest where Mother Nature mesmerizes us with thunderstorms,
floods, and tornadoes this time of year. Not long ago I watched a
newscast about a house that was damaged when a tree came through the
roof of a house in one of our many storms. (The man sleeping just
under the spot where the tree entered the house was unharmed but
definitely shaken!) It got me thinking about the correlation between
marriage and houses.
A marriage is much like a house. When it's new, everything is well
kept. It's clean. The roof is good, the plumbing works well, the
floors are level and unscathed. But inevitably, over time, things
begin to break down. If one owns an older or historic home there are
always things which clamor for attention – similar to a marriage
that's been neglected or damaged by thoughtless choices, independent
living and outright harmful actions. A marriage in trouble is much
like a house needing significant repair.
It could be that the plumbing needs to updated, the wiring changed
from old glass fuses to code compliant breakers, the walls may be
cracked and the floors might need to be shorn up to make them level
again. A marriage may have issues and conflicts surrounding in-laws,
money, sex, child rearing, hobbies, or even pets. Like a house that
needs significant work, those things need to be addressed in small
steps, with thoughtful planning and oodles of frustrating starts and
stops.
But what happens when a storm sends a tree crashing through the roof?
No matter what the state of the home prior to that event, all work
needs to stop and energies must be redirected toward emergency
repair. The tree needs to be carefully removed, the roof repaired and
any other structural damage investigated and repaired before work can
resume on the pre-existing conditions.
This is exactly the same dynamic that occurs in marriage when there
is infidelity. The marriage may need serious repair work in and of
itself. But once an affair sends a tree crashing through the
sheltering structure of the relationship all efforts directed at the
underlying problems take a back seat to the emergency measures
brought about by the affair itself. There's no point in attempting to
fix the cracked walls and outdated electricity in the marriage when
there is a tree protruding into the bedroom and the inner structure
is exposed to the elements.
The affair partner must be completely and permanently removed from
the relationship in the same way the tree must be removed from the
roof. It's a horribly difficult and painful process. Often the affair
partner has been a long time friend of one or both spouses. The loss
of the friendship and the betrayal that is felt is heart wrenching,
no matter what leg of the triangle one is on. But a friendship that
has intruded into the intimate structure of a marriage can no longer
be considered a friendship. Boundaries have been breached, and there
is no way to return to a state of innocence. None of the needed
repair work to the marriage can begin until this step is complete.
Intermittently ending and resuming contact with an affair partner
creates the same kind of damage as picking the tree up off the roof
and dropping it back on again – it creates larger holes and more
damage.
Once the affair partner is no longer in the picture, the hard work of
repair can begin. First and foremost the gaping holes left by the
affair must be mended. Depending on the length of the affair and how
far into the emotional bonding of the marriage the affair partner was
allowed to intrude, repair work could be replacement of the entire
roof or simply a minimal patch job. The longer the affair, with the
marriage being exposed to the damage of wind and rain, the more
repair will be needed. The holes left by infidelity are things such
as damaged trust, resentment, the inevitable withdrawal felt by the
straying spouse when the affair ends, and stress on the underlying
structure of the marriage.
Marriages rarely end in divorce due to the affair itself. But failure
to repair the damage from the affair will almost without fail lead to
complete destruction of the marriage. Marriages end because there
the gaping holes remaining which continue to expose the relationship
to more harm. Some couples can do the repair work themselves. These
are the calmly methodical sorts who can read about the necessary
measures and implement them in without becoming bogged down in the
emotional tug of war recovery always entails. For most couples, as
with homeowners, hiring a professional is indispensable in making
sure the repairs are done well and in a timely manner.
As the holes are patched, the shingles replaced, and the structure
found to be intact attention can once again be turned to the problems
which existed before the tree made its untimely entrance into the
lives of the homeowners. Those issues and conflicts may have become
larger or more serious because of the damaged caused either directly
or indirectly by the crisis of the storm – that's the nature of
destructive events; they have far reaching consequences. Time,
patience, persistence, and good professional help can make all the
difference in repairing a storm damaged home or healing a marriage
torn apart by an affair.
Wishing you clear skies…
Penny
the semi annual parade of homes or to check out the newest open
models in the upscale developments around the area. During my
thirties I was an avid member of the National Trust for Historic
Preservation; my fun reading was made up of publications such
as "Early American Life" and "Preservation." I've lived in an old
house, built at the turn of the last century, and in an historic
house of a modern sort – built in the `40's with design elements
which were decades ahead of their time. For several years I had a
recreational decorating and design business. I helped restore a
Victorian, once facing condemnation, to near museum quality
standards. I've painted concrete floors to look like marble, designed
my kitchen from the walls out, and made strategic suggestions for the
structural elements of our current state of remodel. I love houses.
And in fact, when I travel to other parts of the country I am far
more likely to photograph the residential architecture than I am to
record the family on vacation. (Much to the chagrin of my children in
later years..)
So, what does this have to do with marriage? Well, I live in the
upper Midwest where Mother Nature mesmerizes us with thunderstorms,
floods, and tornadoes this time of year. Not long ago I watched a
newscast about a house that was damaged when a tree came through the
roof of a house in one of our many storms. (The man sleeping just
under the spot where the tree entered the house was unharmed but
definitely shaken!) It got me thinking about the correlation between
marriage and houses.
A marriage is much like a house. When it's new, everything is well
kept. It's clean. The roof is good, the plumbing works well, the
floors are level and unscathed. But inevitably, over time, things
begin to break down. If one owns an older or historic home there are
always things which clamor for attention – similar to a marriage
that's been neglected or damaged by thoughtless choices, independent
living and outright harmful actions. A marriage in trouble is much
like a house needing significant repair.
It could be that the plumbing needs to updated, the wiring changed
from old glass fuses to code compliant breakers, the walls may be
cracked and the floors might need to be shorn up to make them level
again. A marriage may have issues and conflicts surrounding in-laws,
money, sex, child rearing, hobbies, or even pets. Like a house that
needs significant work, those things need to be addressed in small
steps, with thoughtful planning and oodles of frustrating starts and
stops.
But what happens when a storm sends a tree crashing through the roof?
No matter what the state of the home prior to that event, all work
needs to stop and energies must be redirected toward emergency
repair. The tree needs to be carefully removed, the roof repaired and
any other structural damage investigated and repaired before work can
resume on the pre-existing conditions.
This is exactly the same dynamic that occurs in marriage when there
is infidelity. The marriage may need serious repair work in and of
itself. But once an affair sends a tree crashing through the
sheltering structure of the relationship all efforts directed at the
underlying problems take a back seat to the emergency measures
brought about by the affair itself. There's no point in attempting to
fix the cracked walls and outdated electricity in the marriage when
there is a tree protruding into the bedroom and the inner structure
is exposed to the elements.
The affair partner must be completely and permanently removed from
the relationship in the same way the tree must be removed from the
roof. It's a horribly difficult and painful process. Often the affair
partner has been a long time friend of one or both spouses. The loss
of the friendship and the betrayal that is felt is heart wrenching,
no matter what leg of the triangle one is on. But a friendship that
has intruded into the intimate structure of a marriage can no longer
be considered a friendship. Boundaries have been breached, and there
is no way to return to a state of innocence. None of the needed
repair work to the marriage can begin until this step is complete.
Intermittently ending and resuming contact with an affair partner
creates the same kind of damage as picking the tree up off the roof
and dropping it back on again – it creates larger holes and more
damage.
Once the affair partner is no longer in the picture, the hard work of
repair can begin. First and foremost the gaping holes left by the
affair must be mended. Depending on the length of the affair and how
far into the emotional bonding of the marriage the affair partner was
allowed to intrude, repair work could be replacement of the entire
roof or simply a minimal patch job. The longer the affair, with the
marriage being exposed to the damage of wind and rain, the more
repair will be needed. The holes left by infidelity are things such
as damaged trust, resentment, the inevitable withdrawal felt by the
straying spouse when the affair ends, and stress on the underlying
structure of the marriage.
Marriages rarely end in divorce due to the affair itself. But failure
to repair the damage from the affair will almost without fail lead to
complete destruction of the marriage. Marriages end because there
the gaping holes remaining which continue to expose the relationship
to more harm. Some couples can do the repair work themselves. These
are the calmly methodical sorts who can read about the necessary
measures and implement them in without becoming bogged down in the
emotional tug of war recovery always entails. For most couples, as
with homeowners, hiring a professional is indispensable in making
sure the repairs are done well and in a timely manner.
As the holes are patched, the shingles replaced, and the structure
found to be intact attention can once again be turned to the problems
which existed before the tree made its untimely entrance into the
lives of the homeowners. Those issues and conflicts may have become
larger or more serious because of the damaged caused either directly
or indirectly by the crisis of the storm – that's the nature of
destructive events; they have far reaching consequences. Time,
patience, persistence, and good professional help can make all the
difference in repairing a storm damaged home or healing a marriage
torn apart by an affair.
Wishing you clear skies…
Penny
Monday, May 24, 2004
Musing on Marriage(tm) R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Respect, gratitude, admiration, appreciation…. We all need it in some
form or another, and in intimate relationships the craving to be seen
as someone special can make or break the relationship. Shirley Glass,
the late expert and researcher on infidelity, talked about the
powerful attraction of seeing oneself reflected in the eyes of
another in a way that showed that self as attractive, desirable,
adored human beings.
I love movies in general and particularly as a way to see human
dynamics at work. I've been known to suggest viewing films as diverse
as "Winnie the Pooh" and "Miracle" in order to highlight something
we've talked about in a coaching session. Recently I've been
suggesting love stories where the chemistry is good and asking that
special attention be given to the way people look at one another when
attraction is in the air.
There are lots of things that we talk about as needs in marriage.
Conversation, sex, engagement in the marriage, commitment, money,
help with the home, parenting. All of these are things that we choose
to give to our partner of our own free will. Certainly a partner who
is meeting needs for us as well and who is avoiding hurting us in the
process is likely to make us more motivated to meet those needs, but
we can (if we choose) meet those needs regardless of how our mate is
acting.
The same cannot be said of honor or esteem – the acting out of
respect. Meeting that need requires that our mate be or do something
to earn our estimation. It's a concept we understand well in business
and even in other personal relationships. If we want someone to think
(and act as if ) we're pretty cool, then our actions need to be
congruent with the respect we desire.
For example, most of us would not expect glowing reviews and daily
pats on the back from our boss if we spent the greater part of each
day surfing the net, playing solitaire, or chatting up our coworkers
at the water cooler. We don't expect teachers to hand out A's and B's
to students who consistently lose their homework to the "dog," blow
off tests, or sleep through class. We don't vote for public officials
whose record of achievements is spotty or who have betrayed the
public trust with unethical acts. Nor do we opt for the second date
with someone who shows up late, dresses like they're ready to do
garden work, behaves rudely, and ignores for the greater part of our
time together. We don't admire people whose actions and behaviors do
not engender our respect.
Somehow that understanding of what it takes to be admired disappears
when romance enters the picture. If it the outcome wasn't so
important I would be tempted to laugh out loud and the sheer
disbelief at some of the things I hear. Husbands and wives who bend
over backwards to excel at parenting, their career, or other aspects
of their lives seem to believe that marriage requires little or no
effort on their part. And, that their spouse should show them
appreciation, admiration, and esteem simply because they're there.
Respect, the pre-requisite for honor and esteem – for that look of
delight in the eyes of a partner – must be earned. These are a few
actions guaranteed to make sure that doesn't happen:
• Coming home from work and plopping in front of the tv while
your mate takes care of the cooking and the homework
• Knowing the intricacies of setting your vcr or cable
recording device but claiming to be incapable of running the
dishwasher
• Refusing to have sex for months on end until everything in
the marriage is "just right" (it can't be "just right" without sex)
• Lack of attention to personal grooming, health and fitness
• Irritating habits - anything from smoking to knuckle
cracking to poor table manners and spending habits
• Breaking promises and commitments
• Anger, control, abuse
• Putting the job, the in-laws, the car, the yard work, the
kids' activities ahead of the marriage and your spouse
The list is, of course, endless and unique to every couple. But the
concept is the same. If you crave the admiration of your mate, if you
need to see yourself reflected in his or her eyes as someone special
and wonderful, then YOU need to act the part in order for that to
happen. In order to be respected and admired, one must first be
respectable and admirable.
All the best,
Penny
form or another, and in intimate relationships the craving to be seen
as someone special can make or break the relationship. Shirley Glass,
the late expert and researcher on infidelity, talked about the
powerful attraction of seeing oneself reflected in the eyes of
another in a way that showed that self as attractive, desirable,
adored human beings.
I love movies in general and particularly as a way to see human
dynamics at work. I've been known to suggest viewing films as diverse
as "Winnie the Pooh" and "Miracle" in order to highlight something
we've talked about in a coaching session. Recently I've been
suggesting love stories where the chemistry is good and asking that
special attention be given to the way people look at one another when
attraction is in the air.
There are lots of things that we talk about as needs in marriage.
Conversation, sex, engagement in the marriage, commitment, money,
help with the home, parenting. All of these are things that we choose
to give to our partner of our own free will. Certainly a partner who
is meeting needs for us as well and who is avoiding hurting us in the
process is likely to make us more motivated to meet those needs, but
we can (if we choose) meet those needs regardless of how our mate is
acting.
The same cannot be said of honor or esteem – the acting out of
respect. Meeting that need requires that our mate be or do something
to earn our estimation. It's a concept we understand well in business
and even in other personal relationships. If we want someone to think
(and act as if ) we're pretty cool, then our actions need to be
congruent with the respect we desire.
For example, most of us would not expect glowing reviews and daily
pats on the back from our boss if we spent the greater part of each
day surfing the net, playing solitaire, or chatting up our coworkers
at the water cooler. We don't expect teachers to hand out A's and B's
to students who consistently lose their homework to the "dog," blow
off tests, or sleep through class. We don't vote for public officials
whose record of achievements is spotty or who have betrayed the
public trust with unethical acts. Nor do we opt for the second date
with someone who shows up late, dresses like they're ready to do
garden work, behaves rudely, and ignores for the greater part of our
time together. We don't admire people whose actions and behaviors do
not engender our respect.
Somehow that understanding of what it takes to be admired disappears
when romance enters the picture. If it the outcome wasn't so
important I would be tempted to laugh out loud and the sheer
disbelief at some of the things I hear. Husbands and wives who bend
over backwards to excel at parenting, their career, or other aspects
of their lives seem to believe that marriage requires little or no
effort on their part. And, that their spouse should show them
appreciation, admiration, and esteem simply because they're there.
Respect, the pre-requisite for honor and esteem – for that look of
delight in the eyes of a partner – must be earned. These are a few
actions guaranteed to make sure that doesn't happen:
• Coming home from work and plopping in front of the tv while
your mate takes care of the cooking and the homework
• Knowing the intricacies of setting your vcr or cable
recording device but claiming to be incapable of running the
dishwasher
• Refusing to have sex for months on end until everything in
the marriage is "just right" (it can't be "just right" without sex)
• Lack of attention to personal grooming, health and fitness
• Irritating habits - anything from smoking to knuckle
cracking to poor table manners and spending habits
• Breaking promises and commitments
• Anger, control, abuse
• Putting the job, the in-laws, the car, the yard work, the
kids' activities ahead of the marriage and your spouse
The list is, of course, endless and unique to every couple. But the
concept is the same. If you crave the admiration of your mate, if you
need to see yourself reflected in his or her eyes as someone special
and wonderful, then YOU need to act the part in order for that to
happen. In order to be respected and admired, one must first be
respectable and admirable.
All the best,
Penny
Friday, February 20, 2004
Musing on Marriage(tm) Divorce is Not the Same as Unmarried
I specialize in infidelity, so by nature the clients that I have are
under tremendous strain and anxiety. Their marriages appear to be DOA
when the find their way to my door and yet, in spite of the
appearances of death, people come to me for hope in reviving and
restoring their relationship with their mate. But eventually, almost
without fail, the day will come when my client will call me insisting
that they need to file for a divorce in order to get the straying
partner out of their life so the pain will finally stop.
As an advocate for the marriage I do what I can to encourage them to
take care of themselves, detach from what their spouse is doing, and
stay in the marriage. But the conversations that I have around that
entire topic have triggered some thoughts about marriage, divorce,
covenants, and the unmaking of such.
Marriage is a covenant. A solemn promise given with one's word of
honor. Major religions view it as such and most of us still get
married in a religious rite of some kind. The promises that we make
form something bigger than the sum of the bride and groom. A marriage
becomes a thing in and of itself, created from two but embodying a
oneness. Swirling the essences of two human beings into an energy all
its own. Intimacy in way that is unknowable until one has lived it.
If that is the case then there is more to becoming unmarried than a
simple piece of paper signed by a judge and filed with the county
court. A divorce decree can sever the legal commitment and
attachment. Property and assets can be divided up in a way that is
cut and dried – finalized with a few transactions and a couple of
signatures. But a marriage is more than a legal contract. If it were
not then we would not see the outpouring of political action on the
part of the gay and lesbian communities asking to be granted the
right to marry.
Becoming unmarried means taking apart the covenant. Reclaiming one's
own energy and giving back that of the former mate. That's not so
easy to do when a marriage ends with anger, hurt, recriminations or
just plain sadness, as most do. Becoming unmarried means detaching
emotionally, physically, and spiritually from the spouse. If there
are children involved it becomes virtually impossible to achieve all
three of those layers of detachment. Physical attachment will linger
as long as the children live. Emotional attachment goes very deep
even in the most painful relationships and we carry that attachment
with us beyond the untying of the legal bond. Spiritual attachment…
ahhh…. that is the heart of the covenant and the hardest to undo. I'm
not sure it's possible for most people to achieve.
When we are hurting in our marriages, like anywhere else, it is only
natural that we look for a way to escape the pain. Society paints
divorce as a somewhat unpleasant but generally easy way out of
marital difficulty. It's not. There is no easy way out. The dynamics
we have created with our spouses rarely change once the piece of
paper is filed at the courthouse. Couples still argue over the care
of the children, still obsess about the affair partner and the
relationship the former spouse has with them, still need to negotiate
about holidays and family events. Divorce does not remove the
connection from our hearts or our lives.
The only things that change when a divorce is finalized are a few
financial details and perhaps where each person lives. That's it. The
pain, the loss, the frustration, the ongoing dealings with that
person remains much the same until we undo the covenant. Achieving
that requires difficult internal personal work and a shift in
consciousness. Probably as much or more work than staying in the
marriage. Interesting thought, staying in the marriage……….
Penny
under tremendous strain and anxiety. Their marriages appear to be DOA
when the find their way to my door and yet, in spite of the
appearances of death, people come to me for hope in reviving and
restoring their relationship with their mate. But eventually, almost
without fail, the day will come when my client will call me insisting
that they need to file for a divorce in order to get the straying
partner out of their life so the pain will finally stop.
As an advocate for the marriage I do what I can to encourage them to
take care of themselves, detach from what their spouse is doing, and
stay in the marriage. But the conversations that I have around that
entire topic have triggered some thoughts about marriage, divorce,
covenants, and the unmaking of such.
Marriage is a covenant. A solemn promise given with one's word of
honor. Major religions view it as such and most of us still get
married in a religious rite of some kind. The promises that we make
form something bigger than the sum of the bride and groom. A marriage
becomes a thing in and of itself, created from two but embodying a
oneness. Swirling the essences of two human beings into an energy all
its own. Intimacy in way that is unknowable until one has lived it.
If that is the case then there is more to becoming unmarried than a
simple piece of paper signed by a judge and filed with the county
court. A divorce decree can sever the legal commitment and
attachment. Property and assets can be divided up in a way that is
cut and dried – finalized with a few transactions and a couple of
signatures. But a marriage is more than a legal contract. If it were
not then we would not see the outpouring of political action on the
part of the gay and lesbian communities asking to be granted the
right to marry.
Becoming unmarried means taking apart the covenant. Reclaiming one's
own energy and giving back that of the former mate. That's not so
easy to do when a marriage ends with anger, hurt, recriminations or
just plain sadness, as most do. Becoming unmarried means detaching
emotionally, physically, and spiritually from the spouse. If there
are children involved it becomes virtually impossible to achieve all
three of those layers of detachment. Physical attachment will linger
as long as the children live. Emotional attachment goes very deep
even in the most painful relationships and we carry that attachment
with us beyond the untying of the legal bond. Spiritual attachment…
ahhh…. that is the heart of the covenant and the hardest to undo. I'm
not sure it's possible for most people to achieve.
When we are hurting in our marriages, like anywhere else, it is only
natural that we look for a way to escape the pain. Society paints
divorce as a somewhat unpleasant but generally easy way out of
marital difficulty. It's not. There is no easy way out. The dynamics
we have created with our spouses rarely change once the piece of
paper is filed at the courthouse. Couples still argue over the care
of the children, still obsess about the affair partner and the
relationship the former spouse has with them, still need to negotiate
about holidays and family events. Divorce does not remove the
connection from our hearts or our lives.
The only things that change when a divorce is finalized are a few
financial details and perhaps where each person lives. That's it. The
pain, the loss, the frustration, the ongoing dealings with that
person remains much the same until we undo the covenant. Achieving
that requires difficult internal personal work and a shift in
consciousness. Probably as much or more work than staying in the
marriage. Interesting thought, staying in the marriage……….
Penny
Thursday, January 29, 2004
Musing on Marriage(tm) Keep Your Eyes on the Road Ahead
Where Are Your Eyes?
classics and by a variety of music that was popular in the 50's - the
time when my mom was a teenager and young adult. We played musical
games at the dinner table, name that tune and name that rhythm. For
as long as I can remember she sang to us and once we could sing along
she would harmonize with our renditions of the melody. So, when I was
thinking about what I wanted to write for today's Musing a song from
my childhood memories immediately began to play in my head.
"All together now - one, two, three,
Keep your mind on your driving,
Keep your hands on the wheel,
Keep your snoopy eyes on the road ahead"
(Paul Evens and The Curls – Sittin in the Backseat 1959)
And that's what I want to talk about – where are your eyes and your
energy focused? When our marriages are struggling and we're working
hard to learn new skills it's so easy to get caught up in what has
gone before. We obsess about and rehash the months and years and all
the past transgressions of our spouse. And we base our current
actions on our memories of the past. Which in turn feeds the
likelihood of the outcome in the present isn't going to look a whole
lot different than the very past we are trying to escape.
But here is something that I'd like you to tattoo on your left hand,
post on your refrigerator or write in lipstick on your bathroom
mirror:
If your marriage is unhappy in the present it is not because of what
has happened in the past, it is because of the choices you are making
today.
I can't change the past, and unless you have a time machine hidden in
your basement, neither can you. All the talking and rehashing will
not make the painful events of the past any less so. And although we
can intellectually recognize that those things happened long ago,
when we talk about them in the present the feelings they evoke are
very real and very much in the present. So that puts us in the
untenable position of feeling painful emotions about something which
cannot be changed.
If our thoughts are focused on the idea that our marriage is
terrible, because it has been so in the past (or in the past week)
then that is what will take on larger than life proportions in our
reality. I'm not suggesting that you pretend that everything is rosy
and ignore the difficult issues that need to be addressed. I am
suggesting that remaining in the present and addressing conflicts
based on what is happening right now is the first step in crafting a
fulfilling and satisfying future.
I can hear you saying – "But our sex life/finances/in-laws/careers
have been a problem for years they're not just in the present." I'm
not arguing with that statement. I'm suggesting that if your sex life
or finances or issues with family or career or anything else is not
working for you it's because you are making choices RIGHT NOW that
are not in the best interest of you, your spouse and your marriage.
We can't change the poor choices and hurt feelings of the past; we
can change direction in the present and build a brighter future.
Keep Your Eyes on the Road Ahead,
Penny
Monday, January 19, 2004
Musing on Marriage(tm) So Did You Mean It When You Said
"For better or worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or
poorer, til death us do part."
Most of us said something very like that when we took our wedding
vows. And most of us took those vows in front of family, friends, and
a representative of our God in our faith community. And not only did
we say those things in that manner, but we spent an awful lot of
time, effort, and money getting to the moment when we did so.
A wedding is a lot of beautiful ritual and tradition – not to mention
yards of lace and tulle, bushels of flowers, and layers of cakes –
with one thing being the defining center which ties it all together.
The vows. Those few words about sickness and health, better or worse.
So I'm wondering. Did you mean it?
When all was said and done, the dress bought, the cake baked, the tux
fitted and the DJ hired – did you mean it? The part about sickness
and health, better or worse? How about the richer or poorer part?
Every week at least one client, and usually several more than that,
tells me that they just can't do it anymore, that they have to file
for divorce. It could be that they've discovered their spouse is
addicted to drugs or gambling. It might be that he or she is
oblivious to my client's needs in the marriage. And, because I
specialize in infidelity it is often because the spouse is having an
affair and the pain is tearing the heart out of my client, the
person they once vowed to love and honor and cherish, forsaking all
others.
Whatever the cause of the pain, it is very real and very heart
wrenching. This is when the chips are down and we see what it is we
are made of. Hardship is no joke and our natural instinct as humans
is to survive – to remove ourselves from the pain and the threat it
makes to our happiness and security. Run! Get out! Save yourself! Our
emotions and our instincts give us a hearty push and our friends and
family are not far behind.
If being married was easy, there would be no reason for taking vows.
Vows are something we take in order to show our commitment to some
aspect of life that is difficult to perform or carry out. Vows are
promises that show our determination to go against the flow when it
seems going with the flow is the only option available. Remaining
true to our vows in the face of pain and tragedy is what makes us
fully responsible adults in a world that lauds irresponsibility.
Staying faithful to promises we made forges the steel in our souls.
"But she isn't honoring her promises." "He never treated me with
honor and now he's living with someone else." "I have a right to end
this marriage because of what he has done to me." Funny thing about
the promises we make at weddings – they really aren't about what the
other person does or does not do. Our wedding vows are all about us
and our commitment to the marriage. A commitment that is explicitly
stated to be not only in times of joy and laughter but in the deepest
darkest moments of our lives. A commitment to stick it out come hell
or high water regardless of the pain and suffering. Til death us do
part.
I also know that there comes a time when we need to concede defeat.
When the courts and the legal system cannot be fought or when it
truly happens that the marriage cannot be saved. But these are
decisions that should me made in the cold light of rationality after
every option has been tried and has failed. And I would say that
includes at least a year of separation and no contact before coming
to that decision.
I know that many of you are suffering and fighting against seemingly
insurmountable odds in your marriage right now. It seems that the
easy and perhaps only way out is to end the marriage. It seems
incredibly unfair to watch the days and the months go by wondering
when you will have a life again. It is for moments such as these that
you spoke those words and sealed your promise of commitment in front
of witnesses. So I just have to ask one more time, did you mean it?
All the best,
Penny
poorer, til death us do part."
Most of us said something very like that when we took our wedding
vows. And most of us took those vows in front of family, friends, and
a representative of our God in our faith community. And not only did
we say those things in that manner, but we spent an awful lot of
time, effort, and money getting to the moment when we did so.
A wedding is a lot of beautiful ritual and tradition – not to mention
yards of lace and tulle, bushels of flowers, and layers of cakes –
with one thing being the defining center which ties it all together.
The vows. Those few words about sickness and health, better or worse.
So I'm wondering. Did you mean it?
When all was said and done, the dress bought, the cake baked, the tux
fitted and the DJ hired – did you mean it? The part about sickness
and health, better or worse? How about the richer or poorer part?
Every week at least one client, and usually several more than that,
tells me that they just can't do it anymore, that they have to file
for divorce. It could be that they've discovered their spouse is
addicted to drugs or gambling. It might be that he or she is
oblivious to my client's needs in the marriage. And, because I
specialize in infidelity it is often because the spouse is having an
affair and the pain is tearing the heart out of my client, the
person they once vowed to love and honor and cherish, forsaking all
others.
Whatever the cause of the pain, it is very real and very heart
wrenching. This is when the chips are down and we see what it is we
are made of. Hardship is no joke and our natural instinct as humans
is to survive – to remove ourselves from the pain and the threat it
makes to our happiness and security. Run! Get out! Save yourself! Our
emotions and our instincts give us a hearty push and our friends and
family are not far behind.
If being married was easy, there would be no reason for taking vows.
Vows are something we take in order to show our commitment to some
aspect of life that is difficult to perform or carry out. Vows are
promises that show our determination to go against the flow when it
seems going with the flow is the only option available. Remaining
true to our vows in the face of pain and tragedy is what makes us
fully responsible adults in a world that lauds irresponsibility.
Staying faithful to promises we made forges the steel in our souls.
"But she isn't honoring her promises." "He never treated me with
honor and now he's living with someone else." "I have a right to end
this marriage because of what he has done to me." Funny thing about
the promises we make at weddings – they really aren't about what the
other person does or does not do. Our wedding vows are all about us
and our commitment to the marriage. A commitment that is explicitly
stated to be not only in times of joy and laughter but in the deepest
darkest moments of our lives. A commitment to stick it out come hell
or high water regardless of the pain and suffering. Til death us do
part.
I also know that there comes a time when we need to concede defeat.
When the courts and the legal system cannot be fought or when it
truly happens that the marriage cannot be saved. But these are
decisions that should me made in the cold light of rationality after
every option has been tried and has failed. And I would say that
includes at least a year of separation and no contact before coming
to that decision.
I know that many of you are suffering and fighting against seemingly
insurmountable odds in your marriage right now. It seems that the
easy and perhaps only way out is to end the marriage. It seems
incredibly unfair to watch the days and the months go by wondering
when you will have a life again. It is for moments such as these that
you spoke those words and sealed your promise of commitment in front
of witnesses. So I just have to ask one more time, did you mean it?
All the best,
Penny
Wednesday, January 14, 2004
Musing on Marriage(tm) Life Altering Changes
At least once a day, and often many more times than that someone
says to me, "People don't change." Sometimes I hear it from a worn
out and hurting spouse who has given up on their own marriage. More
I often I hear it second hand – someone is advising someone else to
ditch their marriage and making that statement as if it were cast in
stone. Many times it is a straying spouse justifying to themselves
and to the world their choice to abandon their vows in favor of
someone outside the marriage -- "My husband/wife was so terrible to
live with and I know he/she will never change -- I'm only pursuing
my own happiness."
So, what I want to know is who on earth came up with this statement
that `people don't change,' and what special power do they have that
allowed them to convince what seems to be an entire society of
something that is so obviously not true? Obvious to the point of
being ridiculous – like saying the sun will not rise day in and day
out when we can all see quite clearly that it does.
Everyone changes. And every one of us experiences profound life
altering changes. Or perhaps I should say life altering events from
which we cannot help but to emerge changed.
A parent dies
A child in born
A child is born with significant challenges
We go to college/get our first job/buy a home
We get fired from a job
We lose all our money
We win the lottery
We move from the place we have called home all our lives
We get a dog
Our children go to school/grow up/leave home
We recover memories of abuse in our past
We learn that we are adopted
We find out a parent had an affair many years ago
Parents age
We age
We find unexpectedly that we have some disease
Our child has a drug problem
Our child is gifted
Fire/flood/storm destroys our home
We discover a spouse's infidelity
We are unfaithful
The list could go on for pages. Forever. For several years, long
ago, I worked as an EMT in a small rural community. I saw heart
attacks, accidents, deaths, children born beautifully whole who
became profoundly ill, strokes, and suicides. Week after week the
thought would hit me that all of us go about our daily lives doing
what we do, and then, between one breath and the next, that life is
changed forever.
I also saw extraordinary courage. People who did what they had to
do, in the face of difficulty and pain, because it was there and it
needed to be done. Men and women who looked inside themselves, saw
only fear, and yet who behaved with courage that was inspiring. They
changed as their lives changed. We all do, from the time we are born
until the day we leave this life.
So when someone says to me that `people don't change' I have to
struggle to keep from snorting and rolling my eyes and asking who on
earth convinced them of something so obviously untrue (Which only
goes to show that having learned not to do that I CAN change my
instinct to be disrespectful). Look around!!! I say, change is
everywhere all the time and every person you know has been forced by
life to change over and over again.
People do change. As humans we are incapable of not changing. The
real question is what will it take to choose to change rather than
simply being forced to by the circumstances life tosses at us. What
will it take to claim our own empowerment and direct the course of
our lives?
Most importantly, the truth I tell husbands and wives every day is
this – If you want your marriage to change, you need to change.
There is an indescribable spiraling of energy in a marriage – for
real change to occur within the relationship both partners need to
make very primal changes. And yet, the responsibility for that
change lies one hundred percent with each individual.
I wonder if when someone says, "People don't change," what they are
really saying is, "I don't like where I am and I don't want to do
the hard work of change." It is much less frightening to push the
blame for a hurting relationship onto our mate's shoulders than it
is to face our own internal labyrinth.
All the best,
Penny
says to me, "People don't change." Sometimes I hear it from a worn
out and hurting spouse who has given up on their own marriage. More
I often I hear it second hand – someone is advising someone else to
ditch their marriage and making that statement as if it were cast in
stone. Many times it is a straying spouse justifying to themselves
and to the world their choice to abandon their vows in favor of
someone outside the marriage -- "My husband/wife was so terrible to
live with and I know he/she will never change -- I'm only pursuing
my own happiness."
So, what I want to know is who on earth came up with this statement
that `people don't change,' and what special power do they have that
allowed them to convince what seems to be an entire society of
something that is so obviously not true? Obvious to the point of
being ridiculous – like saying the sun will not rise day in and day
out when we can all see quite clearly that it does.
Everyone changes. And every one of us experiences profound life
altering changes. Or perhaps I should say life altering events from
which we cannot help but to emerge changed.
A parent dies
A child in born
A child is born with significant challenges
We go to college/get our first job/buy a home
We get fired from a job
We lose all our money
We win the lottery
We move from the place we have called home all our lives
We get a dog
Our children go to school/grow up/leave home
We recover memories of abuse in our past
We learn that we are adopted
We find out a parent had an affair many years ago
Parents age
We age
We find unexpectedly that we have some disease
Our child has a drug problem
Our child is gifted
Fire/flood/storm destroys our home
We discover a spouse's infidelity
We are unfaithful
The list could go on for pages. Forever. For several years, long
ago, I worked as an EMT in a small rural community. I saw heart
attacks, accidents, deaths, children born beautifully whole who
became profoundly ill, strokes, and suicides. Week after week the
thought would hit me that all of us go about our daily lives doing
what we do, and then, between one breath and the next, that life is
changed forever.
I also saw extraordinary courage. People who did what they had to
do, in the face of difficulty and pain, because it was there and it
needed to be done. Men and women who looked inside themselves, saw
only fear, and yet who behaved with courage that was inspiring. They
changed as their lives changed. We all do, from the time we are born
until the day we leave this life.
So when someone says to me that `people don't change' I have to
struggle to keep from snorting and rolling my eyes and asking who on
earth convinced them of something so obviously untrue (Which only
goes to show that having learned not to do that I CAN change my
instinct to be disrespectful). Look around!!! I say, change is
everywhere all the time and every person you know has been forced by
life to change over and over again.
People do change. As humans we are incapable of not changing. The
real question is what will it take to choose to change rather than
simply being forced to by the circumstances life tosses at us. What
will it take to claim our own empowerment and direct the course of
our lives?
Most importantly, the truth I tell husbands and wives every day is
this – If you want your marriage to change, you need to change.
There is an indescribable spiraling of energy in a marriage – for
real change to occur within the relationship both partners need to
make very primal changes. And yet, the responsibility for that
change lies one hundred percent with each individual.
I wonder if when someone says, "People don't change," what they are
really saying is, "I don't like where I am and I don't want to do
the hard work of change." It is much less frightening to push the
blame for a hurting relationship onto our mate's shoulders than it
is to face our own internal labyrinth.
All the best,
Penny
Tuesday, January 13, 2004
Musing on Marriage(tm) Marriage and the Remodeling Project
My husband, Steve, and I bought our home here in Wisconsin almost
exactly four and a half years ago. After nearly two years of looking
in five different states and insisting that we did not want or have
time for a `project' we excitedly bought a house that needed just
about every type of work imaginable. To give you an idea of the
extent of our new project, our house came with no kitchen
(there was an empty white box of a room designated as such but that
was it) and none of the four bathrooms was fully functional. That
was the tip of the iceberg.
Now being the pragmatic realists that we are we
not only began to tackle the kitchen and the bathrooms and the other
necessary tasks but we took on some purely aesthetic changes as
well. I want to tell you about one of those and how it relates to
this idea of marriage and pain and all those things. (And, in case
you did not get this at the time I wrote the Popcorn piece – I can
make just about anything into a piece about marriage.)
Once Upon A Time there was a Stairway. A functional and perfectly
sound Stairway that had only the flaw of Incredible Ugliness.
(Really, I'm not making that up – it was uuuuggggly) This Stairway
lived in the heart of our home going from our family room on the
lowest level to the living room on the main level and then
continuing in all its Ugly Glory up to the game room in the loft.
The Stairway was so Ugly that it turned our eyes from the projects
that needed to be done and sang a Siren Song of ripping and tearing
and dreaming. We were here less than a month when we saw The
Picture. A big beautiful glossy full color Picture of a stunning
spiral staircase. It called our names and pulled us from the warmth
of our bed in the wee hours of the night. We raced to the site of
the Ugliness, our eyes glazed over as we envisioned what It Could
Be. Spiral, winding its way sinuously up through three levels.
Beautiful.
Like all dreams of turning Ugliness into Beauty the Stairway
Project, as it came to be known, took far more effort than we could
ever have dreamed. It required at least a year and a half of
planning just the structural support that would be needed. During
that time we were consumed with researching the various spiral
staircase manufacturers and comparing each and every aspect of their
wares.
Before we could begin to create the new we needed to tear out and
remove the old. It was two more years of hard labor on everything
but the Stairway itself. Our loft became inaccessible for nearly two
years as the Old Stairway found its way in pieces onto the Funeral
Pyre of our bonfire pit. Three levels of flooring needed to be
pulled out, disposed of and then replaced. Two levels of ceiling
needed to be installed and finished. Two levels of walls needed new
sheetrock, mud and paint. One window and three structural wall
supports had to be added. And along the way were various Adventures
such as the Great Fall which pulled us off course and reminded us
that control is an illusion.
When all the prep work was done, the tiles laid, the wood floor
sealed, the balusters installed and finished at last the stair
treads themselves snaked up the center pole. After more than four
years of dreams and nightmares it all seemed rather anti-climactic.
They took less than a day to attach. Finally, on this New Year's Day
in the year 2004 of the Common Era I put the final coat of finish
and we held the official Ribbon Cutting on Jan 2.
It was only in the final week that all the years of effort came to a
cohesive whole. More than 1600 days of destruction and mess and dust
and disarray and then all at once it became a Thing of Beauty.
So what does this tale have to do with marriage? When couples come
to me with accounts of pain and neglect and incompatibility they are
like the Stairway Project. So much that needs to be done before it
will all come together. And so often, like the ripping and tearing
and dust making that we did, the steps (ha! No pun intended!) which
move a marriage from ugly and painful to beautiful and gracious seem
to be taking us away from that goal. The tasks and the building that
need to be done seem incredibly overwhelming and the work seems to
be constant without any sign of progress. And it is painful – messy
and painful. And it looks much worse before it begins to look better.
It is only when we get to the .end of the rebuilding process that we
see it all fall together in a way that appears effortless. When the
support has been laid and the decisions that lead to a mutually
wonderful lifestyle have been worked through – often with dust and
debris! – suddenly out of what seems like nowhere a marriage that is
beautiful and gracious emerges.
I am blessed to be part of the process in others' lives. It
takes courage and vision – and that is something each of us has
built into our humanness. Harness yours and see what beautiful
spirals you can create.
Keep Climbing,
Penny
exactly four and a half years ago. After nearly two years of looking
in five different states and insisting that we did not want or have
time for a `project' we excitedly bought a house that needed just
about every type of work imaginable. To give you an idea of the
extent of our new project
(there was an empty white box of a room designated as such but that
was it) and none of the four bathrooms was fully functional. That
was the tip of the iceberg.
Now being the pragmatic realists that we are
not only began to tackle the kitchen and the bathrooms and the other
necessary tasks but we took on some purely aesthetic changes as
well. I want to tell you about one of those and how it relates to
this idea of marriage and pain and all those things. (And, in case
you did not get this at the time I wrote the Popcorn piece – I can
make just about anything into a piece about marriage.)
Once Upon A Time there was a Stairway. A functional and perfectly
sound Stairway that had only the flaw of Incredible Ugliness.
(Really, I'm not making that up – it was uuuuggggly) This Stairway
lived in the heart of our home going from our family room on the
lowest level to the living room on the main level and then
continuing in all its Ugly Glory up to the game room in the loft.
The Stairway was so Ugly that it turned our eyes from the projects
that needed to be done and sang a Siren Song of ripping and tearing
and dreaming. We were here less than a month when we saw The
Picture. A big beautiful glossy full color Picture of a stunning
spiral staircase. It called our names and pulled us from the warmth
of our bed in the wee hours of the night. We raced to the site of
the Ugliness, our eyes glazed over as we envisioned what It Could
Be. Spiral, winding its way sinuously up through three levels.
Beautiful.
Like all dreams of turning Ugliness into Beauty the Stairway
Project, as it came to be known, took far more effort than we could
ever have dreamed. It required at least a year and a half of
planning just the structural support that would be needed. During
that time we were consumed with researching the various spiral
staircase manufacturers and comparing each and every aspect of their
wares.
Before we could begin to create the new we needed to tear out and
remove the old. It was two more years of hard labor on everything
but the Stairway itself. Our loft became inaccessible for nearly two
years as the Old Stairway found its way in pieces onto the Funeral
Pyre of our bonfire pit. Three levels of flooring needed to be
pulled out, disposed of and then replaced. Two levels of ceiling
needed to be installed and finished. Two levels of walls needed new
sheetrock, mud and paint. One window and three structural wall
supports had to be added. And along the way were various Adventures
such as the Great Fall which pulled us off course and reminded us
that control is an illusion.
When all the prep work was done, the tiles laid, the wood floor
sealed, the balusters installed and finished at last the stair
treads themselves snaked up the center pole. After more than four
years of dreams and nightmares it all seemed rather anti-climactic.
They took less than a day to attach. Finally, on this New Year's Day
in the year 2004 of the Common Era I put the final coat of finish
and we held the official Ribbon Cutting on Jan 2.
It was only in the final week that all the years of effort came to a
cohesive whole. More than 1600 days of destruction and mess and dust
and disarray and then all at once it became a Thing of Beauty.
So what does this tale have to do with marriage? When couples come
to me with accounts of pain and neglect and incompatibility they are
like the Stairway Project. So much that needs to be done before it
will all come together. And so often, like the ripping and tearing
and dust making that we did, the steps (ha! No pun intended!) which
move a marriage from ugly and painful to beautiful and gracious seem
to be taking us away from that goal. The tasks and the building that
need to be done seem incredibly overwhelming and the work seems to
be constant without any sign of progress. And it is painful – messy
and painful. And it looks much worse before it begins to look better.
It is only when we get to the .end of the rebuilding process that we
see it all fall together in a way that appears effortless. When the
support has been laid and the decisions that lead to a mutually
wonderful lifestyle have been worked through – often with dust and
debris! – suddenly out of what seems like nowhere a marriage that is
beautiful and gracious emerges.
I am blessed to be part of the process in others' lives. It
takes courage and vision – and that is something each of us has
built into our humanness. Harness yours and see what beautiful
spirals you can create.
Keep Climbing,
Penny
Musing on Marriage(tm) Marriage and the Remodeling Project
My husband, Steve, and I bought our home here in Wisconsin almost
exactly four and a half years ago. After nearly two years of looking
in five different states and insisting that we did not want or have
time for a `project' we excitedly bought a house that needed just
about every type of work imaginable. To give you an idea of the
extent of our new project, our house came with no kitchen
(there was an empty white box of a room designated as such but that
was it) and none of the four bathrooms was fully functional. That
was the tip of the iceberg.
Now being the pragmatic realists that we are we
not only began to tackle the kitchen and the bathrooms and the other
necessary tasks but we took on some purely aesthetic changes as
well. I want to tell you about one of those and how it relates to
this idea of marriage and pain and all those things. (And, in case
you did not get this at the time I wrote the Popcorn piece – I can
make just about anything into a piece about marriage.)
Once Upon A Time there was a Stairway. A functional and perfectly
sound Stairway that had only the flaw of Incredible Ugliness.
(Really, I'm not making that up – it was uuuuggggly) This Stairway
lived in the heart of our home going from our family room on the
lowest level to the living room on the main level and then
continuing in all its Ugly Glory up to the game room in the loft.
The Stairway was so Ugly that it turned our eyes from the projects
that needed to be done and sang a Siren Song of ripping and tearing
and dreaming. We were here less than a month when we saw The
Picture. A big beautiful glossy full color Picture of a stunning
spiral staircase. It called our names and pulled us from the warmth
of our bed in the wee hours of the night. We raced to the site of
the Ugliness, our eyes glazed over as we envisioned what It Could
Be. Spiral, winding its way sinuously up through three levels.
Beautiful.
Like all dreams of turning Ugliness into Beauty the Stairway
Project, as it came to be known, took far more effort than we could
ever have dreamed. It required at least a year and a half of
planning just the structural support that would be needed. During
that time we were consumed with researching the various spiral
staircase manufacturers and comparing each and every aspect of their
wares.
Before we could begin to create the new we needed to tear out and
remove the old. It was two more years of hard labor on everything
but the Stairway itself. Our loft became inaccessible for nearly two
years as the Old Stairway found its way in pieces onto the Funeral
Pyre of our bonfire pit. Three levels of flooring needed to be
pulled out, disposed of and then replaced. Two levels of ceiling
needed to be installed and finished. Two levels of walls needed new
sheetrock, mud and paint. One window and three structural wall
supports had to be added. And along the way were various Adventures
such as the Great Fall which pulled us off course and reminded us
that control is an illusion.
When all the prep work was done, the tiles laid, the wood floor
sealed, the balusters installed and finished at last the stair
treads themselves snaked up the center pole. After more than four
years of dreams and nightmares it all seemed rather anti-climactic.
They took less than a day to attach. Finally, on this New Year's Day
in the year 2004 of the Common Era I put the final coat of finish
and we held the official Ribbon Cutting on Jan 2.
It was only in the final week that all the years of effort came to a
cohesive whole. More than 1600 days of destruction and mess and dust
and disarray and then all at once it became a Thing of Beauty.
So what does this tale have to do with marriage? When couples come
to me with accounts of pain and neglect and incompatibility they are
like the Stairway Project. So much that needs to be done before it
will all come together. And so often, like the ripping and tearing
and dust making that we did, the steps (ha! No pun intended!) which
move a marriage from ugly and painful to beautiful and gracious seem
to be taking us away from that goal. The tasks and the building that
need to be done seem incredibly overwhelming and the work seems to
be constant without any sign of progress. And it is painful – messy
and painful. And it looks much worse before it begins to look better.
It is only when we get to the .end of the rebuilding process that we
see it all fall together in a way that appears effortless. When the
support has been laid and the decisions that lead to a mutually
wonderful lifestyle have been worked through – often with dust and
debris! – suddenly out of what seems like nowhere a marriage that is
beautiful and gracious emerges.
I am blessed to be part of the process in others' lives. It
takes courage and vision – and that is something each of us has
built into our humanness. Harness yours and see what beautiful
spirals you can create.
Keep Climbing,
Penny
exactly four and a half years ago. After nearly two years of looking
in five different states and insisting that we did not want or have
time for a `project' we excitedly bought a house that needed just
about every type of work imaginable. To give you an idea of the
extent of our new project
(there was an empty white box of a room designated as such but that
was it) and none of the four bathrooms was fully functional. That
was the tip of the iceberg.
Now being the pragmatic realists that we are
not only began to tackle the kitchen and the bathrooms and the other
necessary tasks but we took on some purely aesthetic changes as
well. I want to tell you about one of those and how it relates to
this idea of marriage and pain and all those things. (And, in case
you did not get this at the time I wrote the Popcorn piece – I can
make just about anything into a piece about marriage.)
Once Upon A Time there was a Stairway. A functional and perfectly
sound Stairway that had only the flaw of Incredible Ugliness.
(Really, I'm not making that up – it was uuuuggggly) This Stairway
lived in the heart of our home going from our family room on the
lowest level to the living room on the main level and then
continuing in all its Ugly Glory up to the game room in the loft.
The Stairway was so Ugly that it turned our eyes from the projects
that needed to be done and sang a Siren Song of ripping and tearing
and dreaming. We were here less than a month when we saw The
Picture. A big beautiful glossy full color Picture of a stunning
spiral staircase. It called our names and pulled us from the warmth
of our bed in the wee hours of the night. We raced to the site of
the Ugliness, our eyes glazed over as we envisioned what It Could
Be. Spiral, winding its way sinuously up through three levels.
Beautiful.
Like all dreams of turning Ugliness into Beauty the Stairway
Project, as it came to be known, took far more effort than we could
ever have dreamed. It required at least a year and a half of
planning just the structural support that would be needed. During
that time we were consumed with researching the various spiral
staircase manufacturers and comparing each and every aspect of their
wares.
Before we could begin to create the new we needed to tear out and
remove the old. It was two more years of hard labor on everything
but the Stairway itself. Our loft became inaccessible for nearly two
years as the Old Stairway found its way in pieces onto the Funeral
Pyre of our bonfire pit. Three levels of flooring needed to be
pulled out, disposed of and then replaced. Two levels of ceiling
needed to be installed and finished. Two levels of walls needed new
sheetrock, mud and paint. One window and three structural wall
supports had to be added. And along the way were various Adventures
such as the Great Fall which pulled us off course and reminded us
that control is an illusion.
When all the prep work was done, the tiles laid, the wood floor
sealed, the balusters installed and finished at last the stair
treads themselves snaked up the center pole. After more than four
years of dreams and nightmares it all seemed rather anti-climactic.
They took less than a day to attach. Finally, on this New Year's Day
in the year 2004 of the Common Era I put the final coat of finish
and we held the official Ribbon Cutting on Jan 2.
It was only in the final week that all the years of effort came to a
cohesive whole. More than 1600 days of destruction and mess and dust
and disarray and then all at once it became a Thing of Beauty.
So what does this tale have to do with marriage? When couples come
to me with accounts of pain and neglect and incompatibility they are
like the Stairway Project. So much that needs to be done before it
will all come together. And so often, like the ripping and tearing
and dust making that we did, the steps (ha! No pun intended!) which
move a marriage from ugly and painful to beautiful and gracious seem
to be taking us away from that goal. The tasks and the building that
need to be done seem incredibly overwhelming and the work seems to
be constant without any sign of progress. And it is painful – messy
and painful. And it looks much worse before it begins to look better.
It is only when we get to the .end of the rebuilding process that we
see it all fall together in a way that appears effortless. When the
support has been laid and the decisions that lead to a mutually
wonderful lifestyle have been worked through – often with dust and
debris! – suddenly out of what seems like nowhere a marriage that is
beautiful and gracious emerges.
I am blessed to be part of the process in others' lives. It
takes courage and vision – and that is something each of us has
built into our humanness. Harness yours and see what beautiful
spirals you can create.
Keep Climbing,
Penny
Monday, January 12, 2004
Musing on Marriage(tm) Feel the Pain
I attended a coaching intensive this summer led by Dave Buck, one of
the leaders in the coaching industry. He talked about the difference
between a good coach, a proficient coach and a masterful coach. His
assertion was that a good coach listens to the client, looks for
problems or issues that are familiar and then helps the client
`fix' those things. A proficient coach can looks for problems and
issues throughout the conversation with the client and helps to work
through those things – even if it is something new and unfamiliar
to the coach. A masterful coach CREATES problems.
A masterful coach understands that real personal growth comes from
rocking the boat which can be a less than pleasant experience –
at least at the outset.
And that is where the idea of feeling the pain comes in. For those
of us who work in the marriage healing industry our long term goal
is to craft a marriage that is happy and fulfilling to both husband
and wife. So it seems counter-productive to go to a place of more
pain. And yet, I find that is exactly what happens. My experience
has been that the changes couples must make in order to heal their
marriages make it virtually unavoidable that things will look and
feel a whole lot worse before they begin to be better.
When marriages are hurting often the people involved hide that hurt
behind anger and disrespect. Focusing energy on how terrible the
other person is allows us not to feel the very real and very deep
pain that we carry inside. When we stop those angry and
disrespectful behaviors we are often overwhelmed with the intensity
of the hurt. Our first instinct is to find some way to not feel it.
Bury ourselves in our work, our kids, our homes or even in the
recovery and healing of our marriages. None of those are
intrinsically poor choices, but I believe that real internal shifts
take place in the fecundity of grief.
In grieving the past, and the loss of the dream, we have the chance
to really examine our own role in that loss and to dig deep for the
courage to change ourselves. Part of the pain that we must
experience and the grieving that needs to be done is for the loss of
our own innocence. When we can grieve our own culpability we can
begin to take the steps towards shifting our attitudes and behaviors.
Feeling the pain is not the same as wallowing. It's not about
choosing to be miserable. In fact it is the antithesis of that.
Feeling the pain is about facing head on the death of the marriage
you thought you had or were going to have. And from that pain
finding the strength to do what you need to do to create a better
vision for the future.
As a coach it is tempting to move couples towards light and easy. It
is painful for me to see the pain of others. Growing into being a
masterful coach means sitting peacefully with those in pain and
guiding them gently through the process of loss towards the light at
the end of the tunnel.
If you are hurting today, my heart is with you. I hope that you see
that you have the wisdom and the courage to go through the pain and
reach the other side where healing can begin for real.
All the best,
Penny
the leaders in the coaching industry. He talked about the difference
between a good coach, a proficient coach and a masterful coach. His
assertion was that a good coach listens to the client, looks for
problems or issues that are familiar and then helps the client
`fix' those things. A proficient coach can looks for problems and
issues throughout the conversation with the client and helps to work
through those things – even if it is something new and unfamiliar
to the coach. A masterful coach CREATES problems.
A masterful coach understands that real personal growth comes from
rocking the boat which can be a less than pleasant experience –
at least at the outset.
And that is where the idea of feeling the pain comes in. For those
of us who work in the marriage healing industry our long term goal
is to craft a marriage that is happy and fulfilling to both husband
and wife. So it seems counter-productive to go to a place of more
pain. And yet, I find that is exactly what happens. My experience
has been that the changes couples must make in order to heal their
marriages make it virtually unavoidable that things will look and
feel a whole lot worse before they begin to be better.
When marriages are hurting often the people involved hide that hurt
behind anger and disrespect. Focusing energy on how terrible the
other person is allows us not to feel the very real and very deep
pain that we carry inside. When we stop those angry and
disrespectful behaviors we are often overwhelmed with the intensity
of the hurt. Our first instinct is to find some way to not feel it.
Bury ourselves in our work, our kids, our homes or even in the
recovery and healing of our marriages. None of those are
intrinsically poor choices, but I believe that real internal shifts
take place in the fecundity of grief.
In grieving the past, and the loss of the dream, we have the chance
to really examine our own role in that loss and to dig deep for the
courage to change ourselves. Part of the pain that we must
experience and the grieving that needs to be done is for the loss of
our own innocence. When we can grieve our own culpability we can
begin to take the steps towards shifting our attitudes and behaviors.
Feeling the pain is not the same as wallowing. It's not about
choosing to be miserable. In fact it is the antithesis of that.
Feeling the pain is about facing head on the death of the marriage
you thought you had or were going to have. And from that pain
finding the strength to do what you need to do to create a better
vision for the future.
As a coach it is tempting to move couples towards light and easy. It
is painful for me to see the pain of others. Growing into being a
masterful coach means sitting peacefully with those in pain and
guiding them gently through the process of loss towards the light at
the end of the tunnel.
If you are hurting today, my heart is with you. I hope that you see
that you have the wisdom and the courage to go through the pain and
reach the other side where healing can begin for real.
All the best,
Penny
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