At least once a day, and often many more times than that someone
says to me, "People don't change." Sometimes I hear it from a worn
out and hurting spouse who has given up on their own marriage. More
I often I hear it second hand – someone is advising someone else to
ditch their marriage and making that statement as if it were cast in
stone. Many times it is a straying spouse justifying to themselves
and to the world their choice to abandon their vows in favor of
someone outside the marriage -- "My husband/wife was so terrible to
live with and I know he/she will never change -- I'm only pursuing
my own happiness."
So, what I want to know is who on earth came up with this statement
that `people don't change,' and what special power do they have that
allowed them to convince what seems to be an entire society of
something that is so obviously not true? Obvious to the point of
being ridiculous – like saying the sun will not rise day in and day
out when we can all see quite clearly that it does.
Everyone changes. And every one of us experiences profound life
altering changes. Or perhaps I should say life altering events from
which we cannot help but to emerge changed.
A parent dies
A child in born
A child is born with significant challenges
We go to college/get our first job/buy a home
We get fired from a job
We lose all our money
We win the lottery
We move from the place we have called home all our lives
We get a dog
Our children go to school/grow up/leave home
We recover memories of abuse in our past
We learn that we are adopted
We find out a parent had an affair many years ago
Parents age
We age
We find unexpectedly that we have some disease
Our child has a drug problem
Our child is gifted
Fire/flood/storm destroys our home
We discover a spouse's infidelity
We are unfaithful
The list could go on for pages. Forever. For several years, long
ago, I worked as an EMT in a small rural community. I saw heart
attacks, accidents, deaths, children born beautifully whole who
became profoundly ill, strokes, and suicides. Week after week the
thought would hit me that all of us go about our daily lives doing
what we do, and then, between one breath and the next, that life is
changed forever.
I also saw extraordinary courage. People who did what they had to
do, in the face of difficulty and pain, because it was there and it
needed to be done. Men and women who looked inside themselves, saw
only fear, and yet who behaved with courage that was inspiring. They
changed as their lives changed. We all do, from the time we are born
until the day we leave this life.
So when someone says to me that `people don't change' I have to
struggle to keep from snorting and rolling my eyes and asking who on
earth convinced them of something so obviously untrue (Which only
goes to show that having learned not to do that I CAN change my
instinct to be disrespectful). Look around!!! I say, change is
everywhere all the time and every person you know has been forced by
life to change over and over again.
People do change. As humans we are incapable of not changing. The
real question is what will it take to choose to change rather than
simply being forced to by the circumstances life tosses at us. What
will it take to claim our own empowerment and direct the course of
our lives?
Most importantly, the truth I tell husbands and wives every day is
this – If you want your marriage to change, you need to change.
There is an indescribable spiraling of energy in a marriage – for
real change to occur within the relationship both partners need to
make very primal changes. And yet, the responsibility for that
change lies one hundred percent with each individual.
I wonder if when someone says, "People don't change," what they are
really saying is, "I don't like where I am and I don't want to do
the hard work of change." It is much less frightening to push the
blame for a hurting relationship onto our mate's shoulders than it
is to face our own internal labyrinth.
All the best,
Penny
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