Musing on Marriage(tm) Keep Your Eyes on the Road Ahead

Where Are Your Eyes?

My mom is a professional musician. I grew up surrounded by the
classics and by a variety of music that was popular in the 50's - the
time when my mom was a teenager and young adult. We played musical
games at the dinner table, name that tune and name that rhythm. For
as long as I can remember she sang to us and once we could sing along
she would harmonize with our renditions of the melody. So, when I was
thinking about what I wanted to write for today's Musing a song from
my childhood memories immediately began to play in my head.

"All together now - one, two, three,
Keep your mind on your driving,
Keep your hands on the wheel,
Keep your snoopy eyes on the road ahead"
(Paul Evens and The Curls – Sittin in the Backseat 1959)

And that's what I want to talk about – where are your eyes and your
energy focused? When our marriages are struggling and we're working
hard to learn new skills it's so easy to get caught up in what has
gone before. We obsess about and rehash the months and years and all
the past transgressions of our spouse. And we base our current
actions on our memories of the past. Which in turn feeds the
likelihood of the outcome in the present isn't going to look a whole
lot different than the very past we are trying to escape.

But here is something that I'd like you to tattoo on your left hand,
post on your refrigerator or write in lipstick on your bathroom
mirror:

If your marriage is unhappy in the present it is not because of what
has happened in the past, it is because of the choices you are making
today.

I can't change the past, and unless you have a time machine hidden in
your basement, neither can you. All the talking and rehashing will
not make the painful events of the past any less so. And although we
can intellectually recognize that those things happened long ago,
when we talk about them in the present the feelings they evoke are
very real and very much in the present. So that puts us in the
untenable position of feeling painful emotions about something which
cannot be changed.

If our thoughts are focused on the idea that our marriage is
terrible, because it has been so in the past (or in the past week)
then that is what will take on larger than life proportions in our
reality. I'm not suggesting that you pretend that everything is rosy
and ignore the difficult issues that need to be addressed. I am
suggesting that remaining in the present and addressing conflicts
based on what is happening right now is the first step in crafting a
fulfilling and satisfying future.

I can hear you saying – "But our sex life/finances/in-laws/careers
have been a problem for years they're not just in the present." I'm
not arguing with that statement. I'm suggesting that if your sex life
or finances or issues with family or career or anything else is not
working for you it's because you are making choices RIGHT NOW that
are not in the best interest of you, your spouse and your marriage.
We can't change the poor choices and hurt feelings of the past; we
can change direction in the present and build a brighter future.

Keep Your Eyes on the Road Ahead,

Penny