Couples. Everywhere. The world seems to be made of pairs and they are
all around us. That's great if we are part of a twosome ourselves,
but sadly it isn't always the case. Sometimes even the staunchest
supporters of marriage and those of us most wanting to be married
find ourselves alone. And then the coupleness of the world at large
seems to be a cruel joke played out before out eyes.
In my coaching practice I most often deal with husbands and wives who
are alone due to the infidelity of their spouse. Perhaps the straying
partner has initiated a separation to be with the affair partner or
the faithful spouse has separated to protect themselves from further
pain. Sometimes a husband or wife who has been unhappy for years
chooses to take a break from further neglect and separates. And of
course there are instances of abuse where safety dictates that the
abused spouse separate for safety reasons. In between those are a
host of other causes for married aloneness, but the result is the
same. Married. Alone.
Unlike death, married aloneness leaves you in a nowhere land of being
committed to a partner who is not present. Such a state rules out
dating and other activities that could threaten your continuing
commitment to the marriage and your partner. And unlike death, there
is no closure. There is the constant wondering, waiting and weighing
of every decision you make, every action you contemplate. In short,
you obsess. And you hurt.
The natural instinct is to worry and fret behind the scenes. To call
your friends and family for updates on what your spouse might be
doing. To drive by where they work or their new living quarters. To
show them that you are changing and improving…. Without really
showing them… passively staying in view with a, "Look at what your
missing," sort of energy. All of those things are normal instincts.
But as we talk about daily, the things we need to do to craft a
successful marriage or repair one that is wounded are counter
intuitive. If we follow our instincts in almost any marital pursuit
we'll be going down the wrong path. Being a married alone is not any
different. Instead of holding on so tightly, this is the time to
detach. Not from the marriage and not from your spouse, but from the
situation which has led to the separation. Hold tight to the desire
for a strong and healthy relationship with your mate. Wrap it up, put
it in a safe place in your heart, and then move on.
Take a class. Reinvest in a former hobby or explore possibilities of
new ones. Volunteer somewhere. Nothing helps revive the heart and
revitalize the soul as does the satisfaction of helping someone else
in need. Put some energy into friendships that might have grown
stale. Read a book that `s purely entertainment and has nothing to
say about marriage an relationships. Get out of the house. Join a spa
or health club. Get a new hairstyle. Make something with your own
hands. Write a book or a short story. Get a life!! The only caveat is
that friends be same sex and advocates for your marriage.
Moving on will not hamper your efforts to save the marriage once your
spouse decides to reconsider the marriage. On the contrary doing so
will reenergize you and speed the healing process. You will be
calmer, more centered, and feel better about yourself, all of which
make you a better partner in any relationship. Worried that he or she
won't like the changes you're making? Don't be, it's all negotiable
when the time for reconciliation occurs.
What's the first step? Get out of your usual rut. Instead of staying
home and trying to break into his email, why not call a friend and go
to a movie. Rather than writing long painful essays in your journal
about how much you miss her, why not get out the hammer and saw and
do a little work on the deck. And best of all, take some time to
really be with your kids if you can. They need you now more than
ever. Go to a park, read a story, play a game. This kind of comfort
will reap benefits for years to come.
All the best!
Penny
Today's Musing on Marriage is dedicated to the memory of Shirley
Glass. Ms. Glass was a well known and widely respected psychologist
and researcher who spent her career redefining the therapeutic
community's understanding of infidelity, as well as helping countless
couples to heal through her clinical work and her writings. Ms.
Glass' research was impeccable and far reaching and the conclusions
she put forth affect our understanding of the dynamics of infidelity
and the steps needed for recovery. Her passing on October 8th of this
year leaves a gaping hole in the world of those working to repair and
heal marriages everywhere.
She will be missed.
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