So if you given any thought to the process of negotiation and the
application of it in business as opposed to marriage you have no
doubt come to the place of recognizing that emotions are a big deal.
In the story I told yesterday about the disgruntled customer, the
reason my boss couldn't successfully handle the situation and was
ready to escalate to the litigation level was solely because his
emotions were in the mix. It was his business baby and his product
that were under attack, at least in his perception of things. And so
in the flight or fight mode.... he was ready to runble. Even though
doing so would have been destructive to him and to the company. I,
being a newcomer, didn't have that emotional baggage to deal with.
Well, marriage is all about emotional baggage. A romantic
relationship is an emotional state and our perceptions and views are
colored by those feelings. This creates an added level to the
complexity of negotiation. If we are to really do it well, we need to
find a way to put those emotions on hold and let our intellects do
the work. Then, when we're done negotiating we can have a reality
check with our feelings to see if the solution is one that really
works for us. Until that point it is an intellectual exercise.
We've recently bought and sold property and we had to replace a
vehicle. (Blew up while on the road, but that's a story for another
day.) All of those transactions required negotiation. As an avid
observer of human behavior it is very interesting to me to watch
these things, rumble them around in my head and then tie them to what
I already know. Here's what I saw.
When you let your emotions dictate how you respond… or whether you
respond…. you lose. When you let your emotions dictate the
information you are willing to share… you lose. When you let your
emotions get in the way of exploring what the other party wants…you
lose. When you let your emotions give away too much…you lose and when
you let your emotions create a refusal to budge…you lose. Are you
seeing the same pattern I am? Emotions have no place in the
negotiating process except as valuable information that you need to
share with each other. Emotions should not be part of the exploration
and brainstorming process.
Negotiating is a cold and calculating exercise. To do it well we need
to detach from the emotional baggage we have relating to the
situation at hand. Stick to the facts. Assume that both parties are
looking for the same thing… an outcome that works well for both.
What is it I want? What is it the other person wants? What factors
influence those desires? (This is the only role feelings should play.
They are valuable information and must be taken into account.) What
would it take to get to where either of us wants to be? What haven't
we thought of? What other ideas are out there? Removing the emotion
allows you to brainstorm ideas that seem silly but which stimulate
the creative process. Removing the emotion allows you to work as a
team rather than as opponents. This is the key to negotiation.
Brainstorm ideas based on the information you gather about each other
and what you each want and need. Stay detached. Avoid letting your
personal biases get in the way of really looking at what your spouse
is saying about his or her needs and desires. Look for solutions that
would match those needs… and yours. Detach, detach, detach….. allow
your brain to search out new and uncharted ideas.
Once you do that you can bring the emotions back into the picture for
a reality check on how a potential solution will work (or not) for
you…….
Have a great weekend!
Penny
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