It's interesting to me that we have little compunction about
expecting our spouse to do things for us or in the manner that we
prefer, regardless of how they feel about it, and yet we get queasy
at the idea of vetoing an idea that we don't particularly care for
because it might make our mate feel bad. On the one side of the
equation we don't care if they feel bad as long as we get what we
want and on the flip side we tremble at the possibility that they
might feel the tiniest resentment at the possibility of not having
things their way.
The see saw effect. The I-win/you-lose, you-win/I-lose swinging back
and forth with each partner keeping score and both certain they are
getting the short end of the stick.
We all recall with ease the times we gave in and did something or
went along with something that was in some way objectionable. We have
a much harder time calling to mind the times when our mate did the
same. In fact, we're probably likely to say that he or she always
gets their way and we are always the one to give in.
If marriage was nothing more than a profit and loss statement, this
method might work. We could chart out our days on a spreadsheet and
keep an accurate record of who got what when. But it's not. Life is
not an accounting program and love doesn't fit neatly into a
spreadsheet. It is complicated by the fact that we feel. And how we
feel about our spouse is directly related to his or her behavior. So
that means, if we give in and agree to things which are
objectionable or offensive to us in one way or another, eventually we
won't like our partner all that much at all.
And if we don't like him or her, we're probably going to get to the
point where we really don't care how he or she feels. And when we get
to that point we're going to do all kinds of things that make him or
her feel bad. The only effective way to guard against that happening
is to speak up and not give in on the things we don't care for. In
other words, lose the guilt.
Much of what we need to do if our marriages are to be successful is
counter intuitive. Our emotions beg us to do anything to make our
spouse feel good. Until the resentment hits. And then our instincts
urge us to lash out and either demand a quid pro quo sacrifice or to
withdraw. None of that is conducive to crafting a harmonious and
joyful relationship. We do that by Living in the Center.
The Center is that place between instinct and emotion. The place
where we explore what our partner wants and needs, compare that to
our own feelings and desires and then work to find a solution that
takes both those things into account. To do this well, we need to be
aware of the guilt we're likely to experience the first several times
we need to deny a request, and to recognize that it is in our
spouse's best interest to protect the feelings we have for him or her
by not acquiescing to their every desire.
In the end, it's not a whole lot different than the hard choices we
need to make as parents. We are often faced with vetoing a request
from our children. The only real difference is that our spouse is not
a child but an equal partner in the marriage. That being the case we
need to make an important distinction. When we tell our spouse that
something doesn't work for us and that we wouldn't be all that happy
with a particular choice, we are not denying permission. As adults we
have the right to choose to do whatever we like. Instead we are
simply being honest about how we would feel and asking that those
feelings be taken into account when decisions are made.
If there is any guilt to be felt in this equation, it would seem to
me to belong with the partner who knowingly ignores the other's
feelings or who isn't honest about how they feel in the first place.
All the best,
Penny
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