My teacher and mentor Dr. Willard Harley is one of the few to
actually lay out a minimum number of hours that a couple must spend
together if they are to create and maintain the feelings of romantic
love. Fifteen hours. Each week. Alone together. Although any
professional working in the marriage saving industry will agree that
spending time together in the number one thing couples MUST do if
they are to craft a happy marriage, (and this is a group that agrees
on virtually nothing else) none that I know of have been courageous
enough to quantify how much time it takes.
Harley's number, fifteen hours a week, is based on the average amount
of time couples spend together when they are having an affair. He
proposes that if we did in marriage what unfaithful couples do to
create that kind of passion outside marriage we could have exactly
the same feelings of irresistabilty.... in the marrtiage.
My own experience in my marriage and that of the couples I coach
bears this out. When we make the time and create the experience we
feel connected, loved and in love. When we don't, we lose those
feelings of connection. My belief is that marriage is a commitment
and it's not about feeling good. But the best way to ensure that the
commitment is met and that families stay together is to keep the
feelings of love alive. No couple who admits to being in love with
each other files for divorce. It just doesn't happen.
So then, how do you find that much time? Even couples that I've
worked with long term whine to me about needing to squeeze it out of
somewhere. First I think we need to look at priorites. What is the
most important thing in terms of your health, wellbeing and
happiness? What is the most important indicator of your children's
future success? First is keeping your marriage together and second is
ensuring that it is happy. It follows that if that's what's most
important and that time together is the road to intimacy, then
finding the time must take priority.
Take out your calculator and let's break down the week. Seven days
times twenty four hours a day gives us 168 hours each week. Subtract
eight hours a day for sleeping and we are left with 112. I'll give
you sixty for work and commuting, that leaves 52. Let's say you need
another twenty for eating, dressing and personal care (that's four a
day!!) and you still are left with 32 hours.
Now I'm sure you have all kinds of things that you think are
necessary. The Monday night bowling league (or dare I say,
football??), the once a month meeting at the school, and the other
once a month volunteer commitment you have, and the scout meeting,
and the kids' sports activities. I have four boys still at home. I
know how much time it takes just to keep up with the notes from
school. But I challenge you to tell me which of those things is as
important to your overall wellbeing and that of your children as is
having a happy and fulfilling marriage.
We live in an instant society. Marriage is not instant. It takes time
to craft and protect the relationship and the connection we have to
each other. No matter what the urgency, there is nothing you have on
your calendar or wish list right now that is more important than time
alone with your mate.
Just Do It.
Penny
No comments:
Post a Comment