Fairy Tales, or folk stories, have been part of our human existence
for time out of mind. Anthropologists tell us that the ancients made
up stories about the world around them in order to explain the
phenomena they observed. Millennia later the brothers Grimm made a
family project out of collecting the folk stories popular in small
part of the European continent put them together in a cohesive manner
and voila! the era or modern fairy tales was born. Once Disney got in
the act with all those darling animated versions the threat to
marriages was guaranteed.
Is there anyone among us who didn't grow up with tales of Snow White,
Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, and more recently for the younger crowd,
The Little Mermaid and Belle the Beauty half of Beauty and the Beast?
There's a whole week's worth of writing on the role of men and women
in relationships portrayed in those fables but that's not today's
focus. Today I want to talk about how each of those stories end.
"And they lived happily ever after. The End."
As if the wooing and winning part was all there is to creating a
relationship that works. As if once the attraction is recognized and
the obstacles overcome (evil stepparents, poison apples and tentacled
sea witches) the rest of life will take care of itself. As if happily
ever after is guaranteed. And therein lies the danger of fairy tales.
Every day in my coaching practice couples confide in me that there
must be something fatally wrong with their marriage because they
disagree on some issue. That their marriage is doomed because they
have days when they don't feel connected. That they must have married
the wrong person because things were going so well and then they had
a fight. They tell me that there is no way they can possibly get it
right with their spouse because no matter how hard they try or how
much progress they've made things are still not perfect. They don't
have "happily ever after."
Marriage is not about happily ever after. At least not in the sense
of nothing will ever intrude or cause conflict again. Life is messy.
Marriage is messy. Conflict is inevitable. It's not the conflict that
causes problems, it's how we handle the issues which are bound to
arise. Are we honest about our feelings regarding whatever the
problem might be? Are we willing to put our emotional reactions on
hold and craft a solution that works for both partners? Are we
willing to endure the discomfort of making no move until we find one
that can be supported by ourselves and our mates?
Do we really think that Cinderella, who spent her days in comfy worn
out clothes singing with the birds and chatting up the mice, was
really all that thrilled to dress in rigid haute couture and abide by
rules for royal behavior? Do we believe that Snow White's Prince
Charming welcomed not one but seven single men with odd personal
habits into their home to spend time with his new wife? Is it
possible that Sleeping Beauty's narcoleptic tendencies, not to
mention her meddling godparents, caused a little friction in their
newly wedded bliss?
Fairy Tales are fabulous stories. And if you love mythology the way I
do the older less sanitized versions are spring boards for wonderful
introspection. But defining the success of a real life flesh and
blood, perfectly human romantic relationship using the concept of
happily ever after is a recipe for failure. Happily ever after is
possible, but to achieve it you'll have to grab onto a hearty dose of
empathy, an even bigger measure of courage wrap it all up with a
sense of humor and be willing to make the right choices in the
present moment. Every moment. And if you blow it this time you pick
yourself up, dust off the debris, figure out what needs to change,
grab onto that courage and do it all again.
All the best,
Penny
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