Musing on Marriage(tm) Infidelity and the Egg

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the King's horses
And all the King's men
Couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again

I'm often asked why people who have affairs must permanently end all
contact with their affair partner if their marriage is to recover and
heal. After all, they were often friends with the lover prior to the
affair and they don't want to lose the friendship along with all the
other losses an affair leaves in its wake.

There are lots of quick and easy answers to that question. Ongoing
contact is offensive and painful for the spouse, the affair is likely
to rekindle, true healing of the marriage can't begin while the
involved spouse is still emotionally connected to the affair partner.
They are all valid reasons and there are good scientific reasons to
back them up. So what more is there to say? I had a sudden visual
image the other day that spoke to me about this issue and I'm hoping
I can relay it in a way that makes it clearer.

The vast majority of affairs occur with someone we know. A close
friend, co-worker, or even family member. Prior to an affair, even
relationships as close as long term friendships retain a level of
distance. Shirley Glass (Not Just Friends, 2003) describes it well
when she speaks about the walls healthy marriages have erected around
the couple to protect them from outside risks.

Intimacy requires vulnerability. As an affair couple moves along the
continuum from friendship to lover layers of protection are peeled
away. Topics that were off limits become primary areas of
conversation. Touch that is reserved for the marriage is now
exchanged with someone outside the marriage. Looks that pass between
lovers are different than those that pass between friends and that
layer or protection is now peeled away as well. Little by little, the
walls that surround and protect the marriage are breached. The layers
of distance are stripped away leaving the partners open, vulnerable,
and intimately known at a level deeper than merely friendship.

When couples connect at this level they come to know each other in a
way that cannot be reversed. They cannot unknow what they have come
to see beneath the layers. Nor can they disconnect entirely from the
intimacy that knowing creates.

When the affair ends, as most do, the layers of protection are gone.
Just as all the King's Horses and all the King's Men couldn't put
Humpty Dumpty together again – neither can we replace the layers
covering the deepest most vulnerable parts of our being. We have
been seen and we cannot remove the memory of that vision. An orange,
once peeled, is forever revealed. The same is true of the human heart
and soul.

Years later, an old flame – long forgotten and newly met – can touch
us in ways someone who has not known us so deeply has no power to do.
We know the inner core of our former loves, and they ours. This is,
at the primal level, the reason contact with an affair partner must
permanently end. That knowing – that depth of connection – cannot be
undone. To remain in contact is to ever put the marriage at risk. To
remain in contact sabotages our ability to recreate that level of
knowingness and intimacy with our mate.

This is why our spouses are so offended and threatened with continued
or renewed contact. They intuitively sense the missing protective
layers of unknowing. They instinctively recognize the connection that
has been created and the danger is poses to the marriage. They know
in their depths that as long as contact continues healing cannot
fully occur.

Friends can easily become lovers. But the reverse is not true. Lovers
cannot easily become "just" friends.

Musing on Marriage(tm) Infidelity and the Cat

My cat got in a fight the other night. A raucous screeching fight
that jerked us awake at 2am. When you share acreage with coyotes,
eagles, rabbits, pheasants, and stray cats, as we do, the sounds of
nighttime hostilities are not all that unusual. But the unmistakable
absence of the cat the next morning along with the bits of fur near
the patio confirmed my worst fears. He'd tangled with something more
than he'd bargained for.

We spent the day checking outbuildings and walking paths in the
woods – hoping against hope to find him. Preferably in one piece. To
no avail. Finally, at about 4pm, he sauntered on to the patio, took a
sip from the dog's dish and walked into the house as if nothing had
happened. But by evening it was clear he was not feeling well. Our
usually friendly and active pet planted himself in a spot in the
front hall – not moving except to turn around once in a while.

The family conferred and it was decided that unless he was greatly
improved by morning we'd be visiting the vet the next day. When
morning came he was still holding fort in his spot in the hallway,
refusing food, and feeling warm to the touch. I called the vet.

Unlike most cats I've had, Mischief likes to go for rides in the car.
But he's really not all that thrilled about visiting the vet. A
shaved head (to get a good look at his wounds), thermometer reading,
and shot of penicillin later, he was a very unhappy kitty. The vet
sent us home with a bottle of once a day antibiotics and instructions
to clean the wound daily. Yes, a very unhappy kitty indeed.

I have this theory that you can tell when pets are feeling a whole
lot better because they fight like crazy to avoid taking their
medication. This time was not any different. The first day – not a
problem. The second day – he managed to get a good dig into my son's
arm with his claws in the process. The third day – the first attempt
sent the dropper scuttling across the kitchen floor, the second
attempt he spit out all over me and my son. After that, he wouldn't
come near me the rest of the day and treated all attempts on my part
to be friendly with complete disdain.

The fourth day – today – I couldn't bring myself to try again. He was
looking good, acting well, and still mad at me for the previous day's
attempt. I decided not to even try. And then, my son came to me
holding the cat. "Mom, we need to give Mischief his medicine – aren't
you going to do it?" he asked.

"Well, uhmmm, I was thinking I wouldn't, " I said.

"But I want to make sure he's better."

"I know, " I sighed, "but I don't want him to be mad at me again…"

And that's when it hit me. This is exactly what happens to my clients
when I ask them to do what I know is needed to help create the
conditions that bring about an end to their spouse's affair. They
love their mate and don't want him or her to be mad at them. They
want to be the nice one, the good guy, the one who is loving and kind
and supportive. Not the one upsetting their partner's world with all
kinds of unpleasantness.

A sick cat well on the mend is a small issue. I can deal with the cat
being mad at me – he'll get over it – he's a cat, and I feed him. But
how incredibly frightening it is for husbands and wives whose spouses
have done the unthinkable to rock the boat even further. It feels
like the final shove over the edge of a cliff – when the marriage is
already teetering precariously. And yet, like giving Mischief his
medication, it needs to be done.

Illness and the painful steps we need to take in order to overcome it
are easy to recognize and understand. But infidelity hides under the
guise of a love story. It confuses and blinds us to the very real
parallels between an affair and an illness. If we are to save the
marriage and move it away from the cliff and back towards healing we
must first address the illness, the addiction, of an affair. Doing so
requires unpleasantness.

The betrayed spouse, determined to save the marriage, is not allowed
the luxury of giving into emotions or instincts. Instead, they must
steel themselves against the emotional onslaught and take direct
action. Expose the affair. Confront the spouse and the affair
partner. Tell what they know and how they know it. Ask for help from
friends, family, and other influential people in their lives. And if
none of that brings about the end of the affair – they must protect
the marriage by separating entirely until the affair comes to an end
of its own accord. And yes, the straying partner, will indeed be very
angry.


"I don't want him to be mad at me." A normal compassionate desire.
True compassion however, looks below the surface of our own fear of
rejection and abandonment to the greater good. Often times in life we
must cause pain in order to ward off more harm. Infidelity may very
well be one of the greatest tests of our ability to do so.

Musing on Marriage(tm) Holes in the Roof

I love houses. Always have. A favorite weekend recreation is to tour
the semi annual parade of homes or to check out the newest open
models in the upscale developments around the area. During my
thirties I was an avid member of the National Trust for Historic
Preservation; my fun reading was made up of publications such
as "Early American Life" and "Preservation." I've lived in an old
house, built at the turn of the last century, and in an historic
house of a modern sort – built in the `40's with design elements
which were decades ahead of their time. For several years I had a
recreational decorating and design business. I helped restore a
Victorian, once facing condemnation, to near museum quality
standards. I've painted concrete floors to look like marble, designed
my kitchen from the walls out, and made strategic suggestions for the
structural elements of our current state of remodel. I love houses.
And in fact, when I travel to other parts of the country I am far
more likely to photograph the residential architecture than I am to
record the family on vacation. (Much to the chagrin of my children in
later years..)

So, what does this have to do with marriage? Well, I live in the
upper Midwest where Mother Nature mesmerizes us with thunderstorms,
floods, and tornadoes this time of year. Not long ago I watched a
newscast about a house that was damaged when a tree came through the
roof of a house in one of our many storms. (The man sleeping just
under the spot where the tree entered the house was unharmed but
definitely shaken!) It got me thinking about the correlation between
marriage and houses.

A marriage is much like a house. When it's new, everything is well
kept. It's clean. The roof is good, the plumbing works well, the
floors are level and unscathed. But inevitably, over time, things
begin to break down. If one owns an older or historic home there are
always things which clamor for attention – similar to a marriage
that's been neglected or damaged by thoughtless choices, independent
living and outright harmful actions. A marriage in trouble is much
like a house needing significant repair.

It could be that the plumbing needs to updated, the wiring changed
from old glass fuses to code compliant breakers, the walls may be
cracked and the floors might need to be shorn up to make them level
again. A marriage may have issues and conflicts surrounding in-laws,
money, sex, child rearing, hobbies, or even pets. Like a house that
needs significant work, those things need to be addressed in small
steps, with thoughtful planning and oodles of frustrating starts and
stops.

But what happens when a storm sends a tree crashing through the roof?
No matter what the state of the home prior to that event, all work
needs to stop and energies must be redirected toward emergency
repair. The tree needs to be carefully removed, the roof repaired and
any other structural damage investigated and repaired before work can
resume on the pre-existing conditions.

This is exactly the same dynamic that occurs in marriage when there
is infidelity. The marriage may need serious repair work in and of
itself. But once an affair sends a tree crashing through the
sheltering structure of the relationship all efforts directed at the
underlying problems take a back seat to the emergency measures
brought about by the affair itself. There's no point in attempting to
fix the cracked walls and outdated electricity in the marriage when
there is a tree protruding into the bedroom and the inner structure
is exposed to the elements.

The affair partner must be completely and permanently removed from
the relationship in the same way the tree must be removed from the
roof. It's a horribly difficult and painful process. Often the affair
partner has been a long time friend of one or both spouses. The loss
of the friendship and the betrayal that is felt is heart wrenching,
no matter what leg of the triangle one is on. But a friendship that
has intruded into the intimate structure of a marriage can no longer
be considered a friendship. Boundaries have been breached, and there
is no way to return to a state of innocence. None of the needed
repair work to the marriage can begin until this step is complete.
Intermittently ending and resuming contact with an affair partner
creates the same kind of damage as picking the tree up off the roof
and dropping it back on again – it creates larger holes and more
damage.

Once the affair partner is no longer in the picture, the hard work of
repair can begin. First and foremost the gaping holes left by the
affair must be mended. Depending on the length of the affair and how
far into the emotional bonding of the marriage the affair partner was
allowed to intrude, repair work could be replacement of the entire
roof or simply a minimal patch job. The longer the affair, with the
marriage being exposed to the damage of wind and rain, the more
repair will be needed. The holes left by infidelity are things such
as damaged trust, resentment, the inevitable withdrawal felt by the
straying spouse when the affair ends, and stress on the underlying
structure of the marriage.

Marriages rarely end in divorce due to the affair itself. But failure
to repair the damage from the affair will almost without fail lead to
complete destruction of the marriage. Marriages end because there
the gaping holes remaining which continue to expose the relationship
to more harm. Some couples can do the repair work themselves. These
are the calmly methodical sorts who can read about the necessary
measures and implement them in without becoming bogged down in the
emotional tug of war recovery always entails. For most couples, as
with homeowners, hiring a professional is indispensable in making
sure the repairs are done well and in a timely manner.

As the holes are patched, the shingles replaced, and the structure
found to be intact attention can once again be turned to the problems
which existed before the tree made its untimely entrance into the
lives of the homeowners. Those issues and conflicts may have become
larger or more serious because of the damaged caused either directly
or indirectly by the crisis of the storm – that's the nature of
destructive events; they have far reaching consequences. Time,
patience, persistence, and good professional help can make all the
difference in repairing a storm damaged home or healing a marriage
torn apart by an affair.

Wishing you clear skies…
Penny