Musing on Marriage(tm) Giving Thanks

My kids know really cool things.

Last year my son who is now a senior took an Astronomy elective. One
of the things they did was a scale model of the Solar System. Not the
kind that you make out of Styrofoam balls and wire coat hangers but a
scale model that gave them some idea of the magnitude of space and
the distances between us and our neighbors. They placed the sun in
the middle of the high school football field and then they walked for
about a block before they were far enough away to put Earth into the
model. By the time they were done mapping our planetary system they
walked a good bit of our little community.

This year one of my younger sons, a fifth grader, is learning about
the makeup of atoms and molecules. He came home one day and told me
that they too used the high school football field to demonstrate
distance, this time showing inner space. They learned that if the
center of an atom was in the middle of the football field, the first
particle to orbit the nucleus would begin its orbit at the end zone.
The lesson being that what appears to be solid matter really is
mostly empty space.

So what does all that have to do with giving thanks? Everything. No
matter where we are in our marriages and our careers and our
relationships with children, family, and friends the fact that we
exist at all is amazing beyond words.

Look at your hand, your desk, the people around you. All looking so
solid and separate. And yet, if the atoms that comprise our physical
beings are mostly empty space, then are we really as separate as we
seem? Or is the dividing line between you and me and all of creation
blur just a little?

Go outside, wherever you are – no – don't look out the window. Take
five minutes and go outside. Look at the sky. The clouds, the sun,
the snow, the rain. Check out the grass and the trees and the
buildings and the people. The animals. Breathe. Even if you are in
the middle of a major metropolitan area and the air is less than
crystal clear, breathe. We are unique in our solar system. No other
planet has just the right conditions to sustain life as we know it.
And as big as everything looks to you standing out there staring at
the sky, we are but a tiny speck of dust (much like Whoville)
whirling through icy space pulled by powers beyond our control or
comprehension.

And is it possible that this beautiful miraculous blue speck we call
home is the particle in some larger structure? What if our solar
system is an atom in a greater design?

This time of year with all the cooking and cleaning and shopping
(even if it's just for boots because the snow caught you unaware and
you trashed last year's collection in a cleaning frenzy) is
stressful. Whatever holidays you celebrate the added effort creates
anxiety. Wherever we are in our marriages it can seem doubly hard to
stay on track crafting a relationship that is fulfilling and
connected.

Tomorrow we in the US celebrate Thanksgiving. The day set aside to
call to mind the blessings of the past year, the bounty we have
harvested. I would invite you to find a moment of quiet where you can
pause and ponder the wonder of life. No matter where you are or how
terrible the struggle (and I know for many of you it is terrible)
life is a gift. If just for a moment, feel the wonder and the awe of
that miracle.

Give thanks.

Penny

Musing on Marriage(tm) Popcorn

I'm really not sure where I'm going with this today. My youngest is
home with a cough and a stuffy nose and he wanted me to make him some
popcorn for a morning snack. As I was watching it spin about in the
air popper and grabbing at the first pieces out of the shoot I knew
that popcorn must have some deeper attributes and meanings to
explore. So bear with me while I play with this, under the
supervision of a coughy, sneezy, stuffy eight year old.

I wonder if we aren't all a little like popcorn. Hard and
impenetrable on the outside, but when you warm us up a little our
shells soften and we open to the world around us. Ever notice how
popcorn seeds all look alike? And yet, no two popped kernels are the
same. Like human beings they come in all sizes and shapes. Some
little, some big, some looking like they might be broken, but they
all are perfectly popcorn.

What if we carried that thought with us today? That our mate might
look cold and walled off on the outside, but might – just might,
soften and display his or her uniqueness when exposed to consistent
warmth. Being that we are all unique individuals we all come with
quirks and oddities. But many of those quirks and oddities are what
make us beautiful and wondrous.

I know there are things about your spouse which drive you insane, and
we talk about how to address those things and negotiate for change.
But when is the last time you gave any thought to his or her
uniqueness? His ability to remember any phone number he's ever
dialed? Her skill at intuitively knowing where every department is in
a large store. The fact that she can cook, supervise homework, and
plan for a major entertaining event all at the same time. His amazing
knack at seeing how something works with just a glance.

And what about the things each of you is passionate about? When was
the last time you really listened to your mate and the vast depth of
knowledge he or she has on some topic? When is the last time you took
the time to appreciate how his or her brain works? What would it take
for you to be open to letting him or her share with you some of that
energy and passion they have for their interests? Imagine the
possibilities if s/he feels safe and warm enough to open to you. You
might get a glimpse of someone really amazing.

Go home today and look at your mate as if you haven't seen him or her
in a long time. Look for the uniqueness. Look for the passion. Try a
bit of care and warmth and see if there's a shell that might soften
and allow you a glimpse of his or her inner self. Be appreciative, be
kind and be proud of this person you are married to. You are both
amazingly perfectly human and sometimes we need to just stop and call
that to mind.

Now, could you pass the salt please, the popcorn needs a little
flavor….

Penny

Musing on Marriage(tm) Be Present in the Present

Couples don't generally seek out help for their marriages unless they
are at the place of feeling completely lost and hopeless. By the time
that happens, one or both of them can't remember what it was like
when things were good and they have months, years and even decades of
bad feelings, resentments and hurt built up behind thick walls of
withdrawal.

When we begin to work on the marriage each person comes with a
laundry list of things that they feel badly about. Things that
happened last month or long long ago and that they are still feeling
the pain and betrayal. This is a normal human reaction. We want, we
need, to feel heard and validated. We need to know that our history
is honored and that someone cares that we are hurting.

But if we want to craft a marriage in the present and for the future
that is different than the one we had in the past, we need to let go
of those things. We need to acknowledge that those feelings hurt,
often that they hurt very much, and then we need to find a way to
move beyond that. We need to understand that in marriage there is no
evening the score, no entitlement for revenge and no balance sheet
that makes punishment an appropriate choice.

This is very evident when there has been infidelity, but I see it
with couples who have remained faithful but experienced abuse or
neglect or both. So often we spend so much time and energy focusing
on ending the affair or getting our spouse to engage in a
conversation and plan for fixing the marriage that when the day for
that finally arrives we see it as the day for vindication. "Aha!" we
think, "now we get to let our spouse know just how much they hurt us,
and we get to inflict some punishment of our own. After all, we're
entitled to a little justice after all this time."

Well, you can do that if you want. But you might want to keep in mind
that a marriage is not a court of law, and that you might get what
you feel is justice and appropriate punishment but you probably won't
be able to do that and have a happy marriage. As soon as you exact
your form of punishment your spouse, being hurt, will of course feel
the need to do so in return, creating a vicious downward spiral of
hurt and revenge – not unlike what got you to this place to begin
with.

What's the alternative? Well, as in all things marriage, it is a
counter intuitive move that leaves the past in the past. Begin with
today. Be honest with each other about how you feel regarding the
choices you each make and the lifestyle you have right now. Learn to
negotiate courteously for change. Be an advocate for your own
marriage and only accept decisions that work well for you and your
spouse at the same time. Spend time together; have fun.

Work on what is happening RIGHT NOW. Unhappy with the division of
chores? Say so! But don't bring up your frustration of who got up
with the baby in the middle of the night( the 'baby' who is now
studying for a PhD in some obscure field). Don't harp on the help you
didn't get the year the shingles blew off half the house. You can't
change that, but you can change what is going on RIGHT NOW.

Will you feel better immediately? No. It takes time to overcome the
mistakes of the past.

Will it make you feel better about those mistakes? No. Nothing can or
will. Unless you have a time machine to go backwards and change
history, there is no making the pain of the past better.

The choice you need to make is this, are you going to color your
future with the hurt of the past, or are you going to start with a
clean slate and create a picture of what you would like your marriage
to be in the future?

If you want to build a better future then you need to stop living in
the past and begin right now to behave as if the future you want is
right now. It feels awkward and it feels fake, but it is the first
phase of getting to where you want to be. We don't drive by looking
in the rearview mirror, and we don't create happy marriages in the
future by living in the past.


Penny

Musing on Marriage(tm) (Good) Advice in a Country Song

He said: "Just think it over, and write me a list,
"So we can figure out what we both deserve."
She hardly could believe it, that their love had come to this:
Dividing an' deciding his and hers.
But she grabbed a paper napkin, an' asked the waitress for a pen.
An' one by one, she wrote down what she wanted most from him.

"Honesty, sincerity, tenderness and trust.
"A little less time for the rest of the world,
"And more for the two of us.
"Kisses each mornin', 'I love you's' at night,
"Just like it used to be.
"The way life was when you were in love with me."

Honesty, by Rodney Atkins, ©2003


Ok, my little country music loving skeleton is out of the closet and
exposed in all its glory. But I heard this on the radio again this
morning as I was folding laundry, and really, how could I resist??
Last night was, after all, the Country Music Awards.

The number one thing I preach at my coaching clients day in and day
out is the need for honesty. Honesty is the only tool we have for
opening the door to change in our marriages. But this song speaks to
more than just that. Honesty is only the first step. If men and
women are going to find happiness and fulfillment in their marriages
then there are certain things that must happen.

You must be honest with each other. You must spend time alone
together doing things they both enjoy and connecting with each other.
You must connect on an intimate level and meet each other's emotional
needs. And what are those needs? Intimate affection, the kind that
lovers share. Connected conversation, the kind that says I enjoy
hearing what goes on in your mind. Time spent doing enjoyable things
together.

When we are dating and falling in love those things seem to come so
naturally, so easily. But when our marriages are in trouble those
seem to be the last things we want to do. We want our feelings to
change first and then we'll be willing to change how we behave. The
question then becomes something along the lines of the chicken and
the egg conundrum. Which comes first?

It seems impossible to spend time with and meet the needs of someone
whom we really don't like all that much. It seems false and awkward
and just plain wrong. We feel like a phony. And, if our marriage has
slipped that far, our spouse probably thinks we are a phony as well.
But if we don't spend time together and we don't meet each other's
needs the chasm between us seems to yawn ever wider and our hope of
bridging it erodes with each passing day.

Often I find myself wanting to get out the megaphone (too many cop
shows during my formative years) and shout – "Put down your weapons.
Back away from the sarcasm and the verbal jabs." Sometimes I spend
weeks or months just trying to negotiate a truce and restore some
level of calm. But once that is done there are still two people who
stand on the opposite sides of the canyon without any idea of how to
restore feelings of love. Most don't believe it can happen.

So what comes first the feelings or the behavior, the chicken or the
egg? We seem to think that if we can change our attitudes and our
feelings that our behavior will follow. I disagree, I believe we need
to actively change what we are doing and how we are interacting and
that given time our feelings and attitudes will catch up. My
experience has shown that if husbands and wives put down their
weapons call a truce and then begin to do the things that look like
they are a loving caring couple that love and care will eventually
grow.

Sure it feels awkward at first. So did walking and talking. So did
the first day on a new job or the first week away at college. So does
a first date. Practice makes permanent. Couples who commit to the
time and the changes needed to restore their marriage will be
rewarded time and time again. And it will feel:

"Just like it used to be.
"The way life was when you were in love with me."

Penny