Couples don't generally seek out help for their marriages unless they
are at the place of feeling completely lost and hopeless. By the time
that happens, one or both of them can't remember what it was like
when things were good and they have months, years and even decades of
bad feelings, resentments and hurt built up behind thick walls of
withdrawal.
When we begin to work on the marriage each person comes with a
laundry list of things that they feel badly about. Things that
happened last month or long long ago and that they are still feeling
the pain and betrayal. This is a normal human reaction. We want, we
need, to feel heard and validated. We need to know that our history
is honored and that someone cares that we are hurting.
But if we want to craft a marriage in the present and for the future
that is different than the one we had in the past, we need to let go
of those things. We need to acknowledge that those feelings hurt,
often that they hurt very much, and then we need to find a way to
move beyond that. We need to understand that in marriage there is no
evening the score, no entitlement for revenge and no balance sheet
that makes punishment an appropriate choice.
This is very evident when there has been infidelity, but I see it
with couples who have remained faithful but experienced abuse or
neglect or both. So often we spend so much time and energy focusing
on ending the affair or getting our spouse to engage in a
conversation and plan for fixing the marriage that when the day for
that finally arrives we see it as the day for vindication. "Aha!" we
think, "now we get to let our spouse know just how much they hurt us,
and we get to inflict some punishment of our own. After all, we're
entitled to a little justice after all this time."
Well, you can do that if you want. But you might want to keep in mind
that a marriage is not a court of law, and that you might get what
you feel is justice and appropriate punishment but you probably won't
be able to do that and have a happy marriage. As soon as you exact
your form of punishment your spouse, being hurt, will of course feel
the need to do so in return, creating a vicious downward spiral of
hurt and revenge – not unlike what got you to this place to begin
with.
What's the alternative? Well, as in all things marriage, it is a
counter intuitive move that leaves the past in the past. Begin with
today. Be honest with each other about how you feel regarding the
choices you each make and the lifestyle you have right now. Learn to
negotiate courteously for change. Be an advocate for your own
marriage and only accept decisions that work well for you and your
spouse at the same time. Spend time together; have fun.
Work on what is happening RIGHT NOW. Unhappy with the division of
chores? Say so! But don't bring up your frustration of who got up
with the baby in the middle of the night( the 'baby' who is now
studying for a PhD in some obscure field). Don't harp on the help you
didn't get the year the shingles blew off half the house. You can't
change that, but you can change what is going on RIGHT NOW.
Will you feel better immediately? No. It takes time to overcome the
mistakes of the past.
Will it make you feel better about those mistakes? No. Nothing can or
will. Unless you have a time machine to go backwards and change
history, there is no making the pain of the past better.
The choice you need to make is this, are you going to color your
future with the hurt of the past, or are you going to start with a
clean slate and create a picture of what you would like your marriage
to be in the future?
If you want to build a better future then you need to stop living in
the past and begin right now to behave as if the future you want is
right now. It feels awkward and it feels fake, but it is the first
phase of getting to where you want to be. We don't drive by looking
in the rearview mirror, and we don't create happy marriages in the
future by living in the past.
Penny
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