Musing on Marriage(tm) Stop Trying to Save Your Marriage

Over the past couple of weeks I've had similar conversations with
more than one person on the subject of trying to save a marriage. And
each time I came away troubled with the concept in general. Trying to
save your marriage? Trying? A terrible word that gives the person
permission to fail. Trying implies that you'll give it a go, but
you're not really all that committed to success and if it doesn't
work… well, you tried.

In one of the earlier Star Wars movies Luke Skywalker is deep in the
wilds of the swamp planet Dagobah working with the Jedi Master Yoda.
Yoda tell Luke to raise his crashed and sunken ship from the muck
using only the Force. Luke looks doubtful at best and replies that
he'll try. Yoda responds, "Do or do not. Never try."

Ok, so I admit I was young and impressionable when Star Wars first
hit the big screen, but those few words of wisdom spoken by Yoda have
stayed with me over the years. As I began my career and as I became
more and more interested in the field of human potential and
development this was a theme I heard over and over again. I attended
numerous seminars, workshops and training sessions on motivating for
excellence. I subscribed to more than one publication that was
devoted to effecting change in oneself or facilitating it in others.
Everywhere I went, the message was the same. Do or do not. Never try.

The phrase, "self-talk," has been big in pop psychology in the last
twenty years. One of the things we know about the human condition is
that the way we speak to ourselves and the words we use have a
powerful influence on our behavior. It's the concept behind the use
of affirmations which became very popular in the early 80's and
continues to be used effectively to create change to this day.

So where am I going with all this and how does it relate to marriage?
Here's my thought. In order to create real and lasting change in
marriage it requires not only work, but commitment. Success is
measured by results. In daily life no one really gets a lot of credit
for tying. If you tell your family that you tried to make dinner, but
no food ever appears, they are not going to grant you any big points.
If you tell your boss you tried to get to work on time but just
couldn't do it day in and day out, I would suspect you wouldn't have
a job for any length of time. Our relationship with our spouse is
much the same.

The result – the success or failure of your marriage – depends on
what you do, not on what you try. Make a commitment to do the
fearless work of crafting a marriage that is open, honest, caring,
courteous and respectful. Every moment affords you the chance to make
choices which move you closer to that goal. Just Do It.

May the Force Be With You,

Penny